Today is "International Talk Like A Pirate Day", So Brush Up On Your Somali Pirate Negotiating Skills

Today is "International Talk Like a Pirate Day." I'm trying to play along but my Somali is pretty rusty. But, what the hell, I drink to "Potato Week" so I'll try. You can speak like a pirate if it floats your boat but it's more important to drink like a pirate. Slurred speech makes one sound like a drunken pirate.

Celebrations of this Day was started 1995 by John Baur ("Ol' Chumbucket") and Mark Summers ("Cap'n Slappy"), of the United States, who declared that on this day everyone should talk like a true pirate. The parodic tradition caught on and turned into a yearly holiday, to the great joy of the pirate fans all over the world, except Pittsburgh.

So remember, when you see your co-worker or a boss today, instead of usual "Hello" greet them with "Ahoy, me hearty!" and then duck because they'll probably have no idea of what you're talking about.

The News As I See It: It’s the first day of Oktoberfest in Germany. Nothing says problem drinking like starting Oktoberfest in the middle of September. The Germans go crazy for anything with a high alcohol content. That’s why they’re fascinated by David Hasselhoff.

A Republican is going to be filling Democrat Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down first.

After saying the jobs bill is paid for, Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can't figure out if Obama's the kind of guy who makes infomercials or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials.

According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her a Kardashian sister.

An earthquake struck Cuba. No tsunami warning was issued, but Florida residents were told to expect a wave of Cuban rafters.

This Date In History: 1881; President James Garfield died of a gunshot wound inflicted by a disappointed office seeker the previous July 2nd. 1934; Bruno Hauptmann was arrested for the Lindbergh baby kidnap-murder. 1955; President Juan Peron of Argentina was deposed and exiled after a military coup.

1957; The United States conducted its first underground nuclear test in the Nevada desert. 1962; Governor Ross Barnett blocked James Meredith from enrolling in the University of Mississippi. 1985; The Mexico City area was struck by the first of two devastating earthquakes that claimed thousands of lives. The second earthquake hit 36 hours later.

1994; U.S. troops entered Haiti to enforce the return of exiled president Jean-Bertrand Aristide. 2001; The Pentagon ordered combat aircraft to the Persian Gulf following the September 11th terrorist attacks.

Picture Of The Day: The pirates of politics fit quite well into today's post beginning with Barack the pirate and the rest of today's pirate culprits. My personal preference is Sarah Palin because of her booty.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. No one was there. 2) Mexicans drive low riders so they won’t have to get out of the car to pick tomatoes. 3) George Washington’s brother was the Uncle of Our Country. 4) I would gladly trade in my "Caller I.D." for a "Caller I.Q." 5) All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 19th: The devil will definitely go down to Georgia and other places as you celebrate your birthday week. If I were you, I'd begin preparing various alibis just in case. Mine has been prepared for a week now in anticipation of the havoc that might be created. The name "Belvedere" may leave a lasting impression on you.

Birthdays: My pal, drinking buddy and partner in crime, Emilio - Happy Birthday Bud! 19XX, George Cadbury, manufacturer, social reformer 1839, William Hesketh Lever, soap-maker, philanthropist 1851, Benjamin Reifel, Sioux activist and U.S. representative 1906, Sir William Golding, English novelist 1911, Jim Abbott, baseball pitcher 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem. How to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" The biker said, "Hey, thanks!". and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, "As a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?" The old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. The Director said, "Well, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

The visitor said, "Oh, I get it, a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." The Director said, "No, a normal person would just pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar, sees him and says, "Murray, I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you drink like this before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend, Morris." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. His friend says, "But, I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles and then slurs, "Not anymore! Morris is!"

An older woman was shopping at the local supermarket. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said , "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

A middle-aged man met an older woman at a bar one night. She was rather attractive for her age and they drank and shot the bull for quite a while. Then, she asked the man if he ever had a mother and daughter threesome? The man said no.

They drank a bit more, then she said, "Tonight is your lucky night." They went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"

That's it for today my little puddy tats. Remember, love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

The New Fall Television Lineup?

The economy is going to hell in a hand basket and the political news is disgusting, with the Solyndra scandal representing the latest incompetance from the White House. But fear not, we can always count on the new fall television lineup...or can we?

If the television networks use the same strategy as Obama has used to pull America from financial ruin, we may be in for some viewer disappointment.

Based on that theory, I present to you my version of what the new fall television shows would look like if Obama and O'biden were producing and scheduling the shows.

The News As I See It: Congress is investigating why the Obama administration invested over $500 million in a solar panel company called Solyndra, which filed for bankruptcy. Only the White House could pick a solar panel company that goes broke in California in the summer.

Mitt Romney’s campaign is offering a chance to win a day with Romney. It’s called, "Vote for Mitt Romney or else you’ll have to spend a day with Mitt Romney."

Michele Bachmann and Cindy McCain had dinner together at a Mexican restaurant in Arizona. It wasn’t good. First they sent their entree back to the kitchen, then they sent the kitchen staff back to Guadalajara.

President Obozo’s re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president or if you come in 2nd place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe O'Biden. Odumbo is determined to help the unemployed because it’s looking increasingly likely that in a year, he’ll be one of them.

Italy is asking China to help bail them out of their debt crisis. Doesn’t that piss you off? Hey Italy, China is our sugar daddy.

The Democrats lost a seat they’ve held in New York since the 1920s. The White House said, "At least we created one new job."

This Date In History: 1630; The Massachusetts village of Shawmut changed its name to Boston. 1810; Mexico began its revolt against Spanish rule. 1908; General Motors was founded by William C. Durant. 1919; The American Legion was incorporated by an act of Congress.

1940; The United States first adopted peacetime conscription when President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Selective Training and Service Act into law. 1974; President Ford announced conditional amnesty for Vietnam War deserters and draft evaders. 1975; Papua New Guinea became independent.

1982; Lebanese Christians massacred hundreds of Palestinian refugees in Beirut. 1987; The Montreal Protocol was signed by 25 nations, limiting production on substances that harm the ozone layer. To date, 168 nations have joined the protocol.

Picture Of The Day: Yes, it's the new fall television lineup brought to you by those same zany idiots who produced Barack Obozo and his inept Congress. This should be a great season to watch TV from the comfort of whoever's home you live in now that your home has been foreclosed.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend works at Hooters.....in the kitchen. 2) If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly. 3) When I was a teenager, I would go into the woods and drink beer, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But I ran into a bear. So, there I was, raising my right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. That Smokey is way more intense in person!

4) In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. That's a better system and I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!" 5) I had a job interview with an insurance company, and the lady said, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me that question".....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 16th: Fridays are great days to have a birthday. If worse comes to worst, you don't have to work tomorrow and you have more time to figure out at which bar you left your car. Romance is defintely on the horizon, so don't settle for less like you usually do. And definitely no blind dates! You've been on so many blind dates, you should get a free dog. Dress nice and remember what I told you about clean underwear.

Birthdays: Childhood friend and race car champion Gary and my pal Natalie - Happy Birthday all 19XX, James Jerome Hill, railroad builder 1838, Albrecht Kossel, physiologist 1853, Jean Arp, sculptor, painter 1887, Allen Funt, radio and television producer 1914, Lauren Bacall, actress 1924, B. B. King, guitarist 1925, Charlie Byrd, jazz guitarist 1925.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Diane and Mike were going through a messy divorce whe Mike died suddenly one day. Dianne was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read. Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read, "Mike Is Dead".

The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket." Diane's face lit up and she replied, "Great! I want it to read, "Mike Is Dead - Boat For Sale."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his ass. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new face. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" He replied, "My darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda from Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

A preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. The preacher asked, "Does this mower work, son?" Little Johnny said, "Sure does. Just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house and said, "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." Johnny said, "You need to curse at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!" Little Johnny said, "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher, it'll come back to you."

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in "the act." Before dad can even react, Little Johnny jump on his dad's back and yells, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride Daddy!"

Relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, daddy continues going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off..."

Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. Billy said, "My Father is better than your Father!" Johnny declared, "No, he's not!" Johnny then responded. "My brother is better than your brother!" Billy said, "He is not! He is not!"

Billy said, "My Mother is better than your Mother!" A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once."

That's it for today my little dandy lions. Remember, a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Time for happy hour in AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

I "Hoveround" Bars So I Called The Scooter Store

After watching a commercial from the Scooter Store and answering the questions posed in the ad, I became interested in acquiring one. One of the questions was "Have you fallen in the last 12 months?" This was a bit unclear as I wasn't sure if they meant inside or outside of the bar.

Another question they asked was do you have difficulty getting to the bathroom. Once again, I felt the question was not clear. If the bathroom is ten feet away and I'm on my first Johnnie Walker Black, then the answer is no. If I'm on my fifth Johnnie Walker Black and I'm using the bar stool as a walker, then the answer is yes.

According to the ad, I can probably get the Scooter free. I'm thinking if I add GPS to the Scooter, it theoretically resolves the conflict of drinking and driving. I mean other than brushing a few mailboxes placed too near the sidewalk, I'm home.

I placed a call to the 800 number to inquire further about the scooter but the sales associate on the other line kept accidentally hanging up. I'll keep you abreast of my progress.

The News As I See It: Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they’re warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.

A South Carolina man was arrested for sneaking a taser gun into a football game and using it on somebody. The man was arrested — and immediately signed by the Oakland Raiders.

Obama is planning an official state trip to Australia this November and has sent O'Biden to look for an Australian translator. Obama has described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he’s the kind of person that sees the country as "half employed."

Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That’s the difference between Texas and California. In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders. It’s reported that Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed.

Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a "bedrock conservative." When he heard this, John McCain said, "I grew up in Bedrock, and I don’t remember seeing him."

This Date In History: This Date In History: 1814; Francis Scott Key composed the lyrics to The Star Spangled Banner. 1901; President Theodore Roosevelt succeeded him. 1927; Modern dance pioneer Isadora Duncan died in Nice, France.

1940; Congress passed the Selective Service Act, providing for the first peacetime draft in U.S. history. 1959; The Soviet space probe Luna 2 became the first man-made object to reach the Moon when it crashed onto the lunar surface.

1982; Princess Grace of Monaco died from injuries sustained in a car crash the previous day. 1994; Acting commissioner Bud Selig announced the cancellation of the 1994 baseball season on the 34th day of a strike by players.

Picture Of The Day: The perfect vehicle for my AREA 51 escapades. It is equipped with GPS to find my way home. This replaces my old method of dropping breadcrumbs along the way. The breadcrumb plan became unreliable as more and more neighborhood ducks learned of the plan.

It has a basket to hold any beverage I might have and a handy rear view mirror to alert me of possible duck attacks. The only thing it needs is an additional seat for any wayward lass who decides to accompany me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Veni, vidi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping. 2) My ex-wife went shopping for feminine protection. She decided on a thirty eight revolver. 3) I met a girl at Macy's. She was shopping. I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. 4) One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. 5) It's scary when your body starts making the same noises as your coffeemaker.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 14th: A good day to go to the shopping mall for some great sales. Don't fret too much about getting older, you're still fine. You may have to begin to worry when all your favorite music is in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart. Anywho, things will go well and your romance odds are 90-10, especially after you stop by that place in the store where they drench you in free cologne.

Birthdays: It's homie birthdays beginning with my grandson Kc 19XX, My sweet pal and fellow blogger Julie 19XX, My pal and fellow blogger Karebear 19XX, My high school pal Dana 19XX, and my pal Scott 19XX - Happy Birthday all!

Alexander von Humboldt, German naturalist and explorer 1769, Ivan Petrovich Pavlov, physiologist 1849, Alice Stone Blackwell, feminist 1857, Charles Dana Gibson, illustrator 1867, Margaret Sanger, feminist 1879, Constance Baker Motley, lawyer and jurist 1921.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" Fred replied, "Outstanding. They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me." His friend says, "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank.

Fred thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" His friend said, "You mean a rose?" Fred said, "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife and said, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

An older woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. She said, "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" The woman replied, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that mark on your chest?" The girl says, "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that mark on your chest?" The girl replies, "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love."

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. The doctor says, "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" The girl answers, "No, he goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. The nurse said, "No, I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay like that until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1) High fever 2) Congestion 3) Nausea 4) Fatigue 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

That's it for today my little hush puppies. Remember, never say never....unless you're using this cliche. It's hump day - Happy hour in AREA 51 sounds like a plan. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Ten Years Later

I felt so very, very small as I watched Sunday's observance of the tenth anniversary of the terrorist attacks on New York City, the Pentagon and in the air over Pennsylvania. Moreover, the services were so moving that, to a degree, I found myself reliving the horror and bewilderment of that day in 2001.

One of the things that touched me were the many young children of victims who were among those selected to read the names of the people who died that fateful day. Some of the children were too young, some not even born and none of those children will ever know their father or mother.

It was a stirring day, watching the pomp and circumstance and knowing deep down, there was the possibility of yet another terrorist attack on America. Still, everyone threw their shoulders back and held their head high as the victims of September 11th were honored. It was a day that I was extremely proud to be an America. God bless us all and God bless America.

The News As I See It: According to the latest L.A. Times poll, Seventy-five percent of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. Sixty percent of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico.

The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we’re still the fattest, so that’s good. Switzerland came in 1st place. I guess those little army knives are selling like crazy.

Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there’s no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected.

The virus in the movie "Contagion" is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I’m thinking about Obama.

Speaking of Obama da prez introduced his $447 billion jobs plan. A lot of economists say it could work — if we had $447 billion.

This Date In History: 1609; Henry Hudson began his exploration of the Hudson River. 1953; Future President John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Bouvier. 1977; South African black civil rights leader Steven Biko died while in police custody. 1992; Dr. Mae Carol Jemison became the first black woman in space aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour. 1999; Indonesia announced it would allow an international peacekeeping force to restore order to East Timor.

Picture Of The Day: Some of the more striking pictures from yesterday's observance of the September 11th attacks on America.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Tomorrow is "Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day." 2) I never knew why my father spent so much time in the garage until I got married. 3) When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere. 4) I don't even care if you're a master carpenter, you never realize how big 9 centimeters really is until you've observed your wife giving birth. 5) I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river and, at the last minute, I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 12th: Get back into your rhythm and make sure you're on the right track. Take a friend to lunch but no martini's. You know what happened the last time. Romance today is probably not in the cards, but what the hell, who has sex on Monday anyway?

Birthdays: My sweet pal Nury - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Richard Jordan Gatling, inventor 1818, Mary Ann Dyer Goodnight, philanthropist 1839, Henry Louis Mencken, editor, author, and critic 1880, Maurice Chevalier, singer and film actor 1888, Alfred A. Knopf, American publisher 1892, Ben Shahn, painter 1898, Jesse Owens, track star 1913.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old Jewish men would see each other every morning in their walk in the park. Murray finally decided that he would introduce himself and said, "Good morning sir. I see you every morning here so I though I'd say hello. My Name is Murray." The other man replied, "Nice to meet you Murray, my name is Myron." As it turned out, both Murray and Myron not only lived in the same apartment building, but on the same floor.

A few days after meeting, Murray and Myron came out of their apartments at the same time for their morning walk in the park. After greeting, the two walked to the elevator. Suddenly, a beautiful white cat came running down the corridor and stopped at feet of Myron. Myron reached down, picked up the cat and gently stroked it.

Around the corner, hurriedly came the widow Lipschitz, frantically searching for her cat. When she saw Myron holding the cat, she gratefully cried, "Oh thank God, you've found him." Taking the cat from Myron's arms, she said, "Thank you so much! Do you like pussy cats?" Myron replied, "Yes, I do."

With that, the widow Lipschitz and her cat walked back to her apartment. Murray turned to Myron and said, "Oy, Myron, vat a way with the women! I think the widow Lipschitz may have an eye for you." Myron said, "No, I think not. She doesn't even know me." Murray said, "Vat, she doesn't know you? You hoid the suggestive way vat she said." Myron replied, "She vas just happy to find her cat. Trust me, she doesn't know me!"

Myron says, "She vas looking at you with that eye. So, vy do you think that vay?" Myron says, "She said, 'Do you like pussy cats?'" Murray says, "So...?" Myron says, "So, my name isn't Katz, it's Cohen!"

Two psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes. The speaker said, "Just to establish some parameters, Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?" The student responded, "Sadness." The speaker said, "Mr Biggs, the opposite of depression?" Mr. Biggs replied, "Elation."

The speaker then turned to Bubba and asked, "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?" Bubba replied, "I believe that would be giddyup."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Two women were gossiping at bus stop and one woman says to the other, "You know, Martha's husband drinks a six pack of beer every Sunday while he's watching football. I think he's got a "problem."

A drunk sitting on the bus bench next to them, turns and says, "Hey lady, drinking a six pack of beer on a Sunday afternoon is not a problem. A problem is waking up naked chained to a goat."

A Public Service Announcement From Jimmy's Journal: The nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus is called the Anal Optic Nerve and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

A man's small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said,"I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" The lad replied, "Grandpa" The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

That's it for today my little poppy seeds. Remember, a duck's opinion of you is influenced by whether or not you have bread. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

R E M E M B E R

Sunday marks the tenth anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. For ten years, the annual commemoration has been seen as a day of national unity and sober remembrance. As usual, and especially this year, there are already credible threats of terrorists attacks.

I'm particularly tired of hearing about terrorist rhetoric and threats. If it were me, every time I received any sort of threat from any terrorist organization, I would immediately announce to the world that there would ten indiscriminate drone attacks in the country of origin. It may not stop the terrorist, but I'd feel a lot better. But, that's just me.

God bless the victims of the September 11th attacks and God bless America!

The News As I See It: Last night was Obama’s jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on Obama. Da Prez plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map.

Obama's speech was translated into Indian, Spanish and Chinese so that the people who have our jobs could understand.

Republicans actually decided not to give a rebuttal to President Obama’s jobs speech last night. I guess they figured there’s already a rebuttal to his jobs speech.....No jobs.

Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was shampoo, rinse, and repeat. People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people....and that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.

The oil industry says that if they are allowed to drill more, they can create a million jobs. Of course, most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off of ducks.

A new study found that children born in March are more likely to become pilots, while children that are supposed to be born in March but keep delaying their arrival become Delta pilots.

This Date In History: 1776; The Second Continental Congress changed the name of the nation to the United States of America, from the United Colonies. 1850; California became the 31st state.

1893; President Grover Cleveland's daughter, Esther Cleveland, became the first president's child to be born in the White House. 1926; The National Broadcasting Company (NBC) was created by the Radio Corporation of America.

1948; The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea) was created. 1956; Elvis Presley appeared on television for the first time on The Ed Sullivan Show. 1976; Communist Chinese leader Mao Zedong died in Beijing at age 82.

Picture Of The Day: No explanation necessary.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? 2) I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. 3) Everyone has a photographic memory, it's just that some don't have film. 4) Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once. 5) In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 9th: Don't be discourged with recent politics and speeches. There's more important things to worry about this weekend if you know what I mean. Buy those shoes you were thinking about. While you're at it, buy some odor eaters for the shoes, as well. There have been too many dogs following you around. Romance odds are 70-30 provided you buy those odor eaters. If not, plan on renting a movie.

Birthdays: Luigi Galvani, physician 1737, William Bligh,British admiral 1743, Joseph Leidy, scientist 1823, Otis Redding, singer, songwriter 1941, Michael Keaton, actor 1951, Hugh Grant, actor 1960, Adam Sandler, comedian, musician, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A preacher was giving his usual Sunday sermon when a young woman in the balcony, taken up by the moment, slipped and fell over the rail. Fortunately, she managed to grasp the railing with one hand and dangerously dangled there. Unfortunately, the mini skirt she was wearing rode up to her waist, entirely exposing the front of her young body.

The preacher, heavily involved in the final throes of his sermon, saw the young woman with everything exposed, dangling by one hand. He was concerned and worried that the spectacle not only might effect his sermon, but also the money that the church would make when they passed the collection plates.

The preacher quickly motioned to his deacon to go up and rescue the girl and nervously hurried to finish his sermon and start the collections. He saw that some of the males in the congregation had noticed the commotion and were feasting their eyes on the spectacle.

Fearful that this would ruin everything, he exclaimed, "We have a minor emergency which shall be rectified shortly. Sister Jones has slipped from the balcony and his hanging there by one hand. Her private parts are exposed and if any member of the congregation turns around to look at poor sister Jones, The lord will make them go blind."

An old man in the front pew of the church stood up, put his hand over his left eye and exclaimed, "I'm gonna take a chance on one eye!"

An older lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store to get some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Frances for her contribution to today's stories.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed and asks, "Who?" The nun replies, "Sara Pipalini." St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and Says. "No sister, you read it wrong. The paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat", agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage. She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. She explained the problem to the vet.

The vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." She asked, "Do you think that will work?" The vet replied, "It just worked for me!"

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that the lottery was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are pissed off."

That's it for today my little prairie puppies. Remember, if you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out. AREA 51 sounds like a plan! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !