My pal Garnett sent me a video about the aftermath of the Tsunami in Japan last year and it really moved me. I have no idea how recent this video is, but just like Old Timer's disease, I meet new friends every day so it's new to me. The enormity of such a severe catastrophe was devastating to watch and I shudder to think of how those poor people managed to cope with the injuries and death in the disaster. This video is about the rebuilding of the cities and the lives of the survivors. In short, it is a thank you note to the world for all the help they received.
Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling: Let's say, You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings. What do you think you should do? Raise the ceilings or pump out the shit? Your choice is coming November 2012.
The News As I See It: Obama will be going to Disney World where he'll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland? Of course, it's going to be awkward when he walks into the "Hall of Presidents" and sees them making room for Mitt Romney. Newt Gingrich released an ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well, Romney is not the only one. John Huntsman speaks Chinese. Rick Perry, of course, speaks gibberish.
Jon Huntsman dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame. John Edwards' trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition. If you live in New York City, Burger King, home of the Whopper, now delivers. Think about it. Some nights you just don't have the energy to get all dressed up and go out to dinner at Burger King. One of the products unveiled at the Consumers Electronics Show is a remote for your television that you control with your mind. When you think "on", it turns on the TV. When you stop thinking completely, it turns on "Jersey Shore."
This Date In History: 1733; The first polar bear was exhibited in America, in Boston. 1778; Captain James Cook became the first European to visit the Sandwich Islands (Hawaii). 1782; Daniel Webster was born in Salisbury, New Hampshire. 1788; The First Fleet, carrying convicts and sheep, arrived in Australia's Botany Bay. 1912; The ill-fated Scott expedition reached the South Pole, only to discover Amundsen had been there first. 1943; The Nazi siege of Leningrad was broken. Picture Of The Day: Butterflies have always fascinated me.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Having sex with her is just like a rock concert. We yell and cheer and when she wants an encore, she flicks her lighter. Sometimes I have to tell her that Elvis has left the building. 2) The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. 3) I met her in a revolving door and I've been going around with her ever since. 4) When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "He's two" will do just fine. He's not wine or cheese and I didn't really care in the first place. 5) Just once I'd like to see the local TV news interview someone at a crime scene who wasn't surprised the crime occurred in a neighborhood like theirs.....and that's five ! Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 18th: This week may cause some problems for you as your secrets are shared across the Internet. Today might be the day when you get stuck in a hole with a dwarf. Remember all the research you did into dwarf habits in order to prevent mental breakdown? You have your Southern folk and you have your Northern folk. Which one you are is probably not of consequence, because you're stranger than most. Chances of romance are high, around 69.7 percent if you're from up north, 73.2 percent if you're from Dixie.
Birthdays: Sister Jeanne's birthday is tomorrow - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Montesquieu, jurist and political philosopher 1689, Peter Roget, lexicographer 1779, Daniel Webster, American Statesman 1782, Joseph Glidden, inventor 1813, A.A. Milne, author 1882, Oliver Hardy, actor 1892, Cary Grant, actor 1904, Danny Kaye, actor, singer, comedian 1913, Kevin Costner, actor, filmmaker 1955, Elke Clijsters, tennis player 1985.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer bought a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. He put the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon. Just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?" The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you." They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken go cluck "Go!" and the old rooster took off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about five inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and Boom! He shoots the young rooster. He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife, "Son of a bitch! That's third gay rooster I had to shoot this week!" The owner of small business was confused about how much he should pay for an invoice, which included a volume discount. So he decided to ask his blonde secretary. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college, and I need some help. If I were to give you $7,525 minus 12.5% for a discount, how much would you take off?" She paused briefly and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories. A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth. The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but she'll have to take the bus on the other days because I play golf."
A sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "Skipper, a special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here." The captain ordered, "Read it to me!" The sailor began reading nervously, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy." The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!" A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring, I know dis u firs time and you frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, jus anyting you want. Whatchu want?" A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want...numba 69" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks, "You wanna Kung pao chicken wif broccori?" That's it for today my little ducklings. Remember, the only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday. Stay Tuned !
I must take the time to wish a very happy birthday to my pal Jack Darnell who will be 39 years old tomorrow. Jack turns 39 every year which accounts for his youth and exuberance. He writes a blog called Shipslog which recounts the adventures of his early days and his current treks around the country with his wife Sherry. Once in a blue moon, Jimmy's Journal gives the TAC Award which was created in July of 2008 to certain bloggers who make life a little bit better for all the rest of us through their contributions to the blogging world. Jack is certainly one of those rare breeds and I never leave his blog without a smile on my face. When I grow up, I want to be just like Jack! Read Jack's blog by clicking this link http://shipslog-jack.blogspot.com/and tell him Jimmy sent you. Thanks a million, Jack!
The National Weather Service warned that anyone traveling in heavy snow and ice conditions should make sure they have the following: Shovel, blankets, extra clothing including hat and gloves, 24 hours worth of food, rock salt, flashlight with spare batteries, road flares or reflective triangles, empty gas can, first aid kit and jumper cables. I felt like an idiot on the bus this morning! The News As I See It: A little bit of this, a little bit of that....mostly that! According to USA Today, the Internal Revenue Service's budget is too small for them to reform all the things they need to do. That's fantastic! Researchers found a frog in New Guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except the President and members of Congress. There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure. McDonald’s is apparently teaming up Harper Collins to give out an estimated 9 million books. That would never work in America. Our kids would just dip the books in ranch dressing and eat them.
This Date In History: 1547; Ivan the Terrible was crowned the first czar of Russia. 1883; The U.S. Civil Service Commission established. 1920; A year after it was ratified, the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, prohibiting the sale of alcoholic beverages, went into effect. 1942; Actress Carole Lombard, the wife of actor Clark Gable, died in a plane crash. 1991; Operation Desert Storm was announced by the White House. 1992; The El Salvador government signed a peace treaty with guerrilla forces, formally ending 12 years of civil war. 2001; Laurent Kabila, president of the Democratic Republic of the Congo, was assassinated. 2003; Space shuttle Columbia blasted off on what would be its final mission. The craft broke up on its descent on Feb. 1, killing all on board. Picture Of The Day: Today's picture was pilfered from my pal Jack's blog and I am blaming Possum S. Hemmingway for the theft. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Do not use a microwave oven and a toaster at the same time. It will throw Earth out of orbit and we will plummet into the sun. 2) There are rumors now that Khloe Kardashian is not a real Kardashian. I remember how devastated I was when I found out I was not a real Kardashian. 3) I don't mind going to work, but the eight hour wait to go home is bullshit. 4) was having a brief conversation with a young guy with a college degree in Liberal Arts. He interrupted me to ask, "Do you want fries with that?" 5) This politically correct crap is really getting out of hand. Now you have to refer to blondes with limited intelligence as a light-haired detour off the information superhighway.....and that's five ! Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 16th: The bad thing is that it's Monday. The good think that it's a holiday. Sometimes Mondays can be very good and there's no reason why today won't be your day unless you put a ferret in your pants. Chance of romance is 38.3 percent. With the ferret, it's an even 40 percent.
Birthdays: My friend Sandra - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, Robert W. Service, writer 1874, Fulgencio Batista, Cuban President 1901, Ethel Merman, entertainer 1909, Dizzy Dean, baseball player 1911, William Kennedy, novelist 1928, Susan Sontag, writer and critic 1933, Marilyn Horne, mezzo-soprano 1934, A.J. Foyt, auto racer 1935, Aaliyah, singer, actor 1979.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three men were playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus and an old bearded man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus. All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high into the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole. Next up, Jesus walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole. The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird, bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says," I hate it when your father plays!" A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him, "He wants your underwear!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories. One day, a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday. She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight." So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was. So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." She decided that was also really cheap. Then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." She told him that she would take it. As she was getting the fishing pole rung up, she felt the sudden need to fart, really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose. The blind man looked up and says, "It all comes up to $85." Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70." He said, "It is....Its $70 for the fishing pole, $5 for the stink bait and $10 for the duck call." A couple is skinny dipping in a lake and when they return to shore, they discover that pranksters have stolen their clothes and blanket. Embarrassed, the couple run to their car and began driving back to their home. The boyfriend is so busy trying to drive and console his nervous girlfriend that he crashes the car into a tree outside of a neighborhood bar and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells his girlfriend to go inside the bar and get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe, cover your breasts with one hand, your pubic area with the shoe, and get help. She takes the shoe and runs into the bar. Inside, the bar is almost deserted with the exception of the town drunk. She runs over to the drunk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The drunks replies, "I’m sorry lady, but I think he's too far in." That's it for today my little aardvarks. Remember that as you grow older, that warm feeling that life brings you might mean that you just peed on yourself. More on Wednesday. Stay Tuned !
I'm not superstitious (knock on wood), but today is Friday the 13th. While the fear of Friday the 13th is often referred as Triskaidekaphobia (which is fear of the number 13), the correct word is Paraskevidekatriaphobia (Fear of Friday the 13th). I occasionally have Stultophobia, which is fear of stupid people who invent phobias. Stultophobia is also known as Dumbassophobia. One thing for sure, Friday the 13th wasn't a good day for Joran van der Sloot, who was sentenced today to 28 years in a Peruvian prison for the murder of Stephany Flores in a hotel. Van der Sloot, the only Natalee Holloway suspect, learned his fate today in front of a three woman panel of judges. It couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
Obama formally notified Congress that he plans a 1.2 trillion dollars increase in the U.S, debt limit, two weeks after he had postponed the request to give lawmakers more time to consider the action.
The News As I See It: Obama met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the Oval Office this week. There was an odd moment when they tried to adopt Obama. After they left, Obama checked the White House to make sure Sasha and Malia were still there. Everyone is talking about the voice-control TV. It's TV that you control with your voice instead of the back-breaking work of pressing buttons on the remote. I'm not sure it works. When I yelled "Crap!" during a football game, the TV put on "Jersey Shore."
During last Saturday night's Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Chinese? Are you kidding me? If you want to reach the American people, you’ve got to speak Spanish. The difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Tim Tebow is that when God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins. Rapper Snoop Dogg was arrested after drug-sniffing dogs smelled marijuana on his tour bus in Texas. There must have been a lot of pot on the bus because the drug-sniffing dogs were in Maine at the time. Salt Lake City was voted the gayest city in America, to which San Francisco said, "What do we have to do?" Mesothelioma is a horrible disease but evidently, there is hope. Doug has been on TV now for 15 years warning about the condition.
This Date In History: 1898; French writer Emile Zola published his "J'Accuse" letter, accusing the French of a cover-up in the Alfred Dreyfus treason case. 1941; Novelist James Joyce died in Zurich. 1990; Douglas Wilder of Virginia became the first elected African-American governor in the United States. 1999; Michael Jordan announced his second retirement from the NBA. He would "unretire" again in 2001. 2002; After 17,162 performances, The Fantasticks ended its almost 42-year off-Broadway run. Picture Of The Day: The odds and ends of things associated with today's date. Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was six years old, I played "doctor" with the girl next door. I am still a practicing physician. 2) People who complain about the way the ball bounces are usually the ones that dropped it. 3) The movie, "The Men Who Stare at Goats?" is rated "R" in the U.S., but in the Middle East it's rated "X" for nudity. 4) Horseshoes usually bring good luck today, but never trust a horse that wears high heels, 5) On Friday the 13th in 1966, a white Detroit sociologist, who had just demonstrated his lack of fear by walking under 13 ladders and throwing a black cat through a mirror, was run over by a black rapper.....and that's five ! Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 13th: I'm not going to blow smoke where the sun doesn't shine, but today is Friday the 13th. That fact aside, you'll have a good day assuming you avoid the usual pitfalls associated with today's date. Chances of romance are high, but why take a chance? Just bear in mind that lightning can't find you if you hold really still. Remember, never pick up a stray $100 bill unless Ben Franklin is facing up. On second thought, grab it! I think that adage applies to postage stamps.
Birthdays: Jan van Goyen, landscape painter 1596, Salmon P. Chase, public official and jurist 1808, Horatio Alger, American writer 1832, Elmer Davis, radio commentator 1890, Gwen Verdon, dancer, actor 1925, Charles Nelson Reilly, actor, theater director 1931, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, actress 1961, Patrick Dempsey, actor 1966, Orlando Bloom, actor 1977.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Ray-Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Ray-Ray says "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them." Dewey then asked "What the hell did you do?" Ray-Ray replied, "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" Dewey said, "That's not against the law." Ray-Ray replied, "That's what I thought, but those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought it was!" Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her. The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. Her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories. A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. The mother mouse to her baby, "See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?" A man was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.......Mark! Dear Abby, My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says he pays the minimum and lets our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. He has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. To make everything worse, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics, next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ and the next he's with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help? Signed, Lost Dear Lost, Stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the asshole any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him until November! Signed, Abby That's it for today my little twiddly winks. Remember, today is Friday the 13th. If you feel a chill up your spine and your phone rings twice, it's a telemarketer. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday. Stay Tuned !
The White House hosted a lavish "Alice in Wonderland"-themed Halloween costume ball in 2009, but kept the party hush-hush to avoid bad publicity during the recession, according to a new book by New York Times correspondent Jodi Kantor. The Hollywood-style party was hosted by Johnny Depp, decorated by Tim Burton, and was attended by guests such as Chewbacca from the original "Star Wars" films, reports The New York Post. At a time when the economy was still in a recession and members of a certain other tea party were staging huge protests against Obama, the book asserts that the administration sought to keep the fancy shin-dig out of the press. Coming on the heels of the Obamas’ $4 million taxpayer-subsidised vacation in Hawaii, this latest story is an embarrassment for a White House that seems not to have heard of the age of austerity that the vast majority of Americans are now living through. It will further bolster the impression of an out-of-touch, celebrity-obsessed elite ruling the country with an air of impunity. Who knows what else the White House has in store? A Pirates of the Caribbean Christmas? An Edward Scissorhands Thanksgiving? An Obama and the Chocolate Factory November election?
The News As I See It: Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa’s black community, otherwise known as Tyrone. The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, "Operation Regret This In Five Years." Jersey Shore returned to MTV for a new season, which means that New Year's resolution that we made to become a better person lasted exactly five days. It's so good to have them back vomiting on American soil again. A dead body was discovered last week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver. Mattel will soon release limited-edition Barbies inspired by the Kardashians. The Kim doll comes with a ring, but you can mail it back for a rebate after 72 days. This Date In History: 1788; Connecticut became the 5th state in the United States. 1861; Mississippi became the second state to secede from the Union. 1905; The Russian Revolution of 1905 was sparked by troops firing on petitioners to Czar Nicholas in St. Petersburg. 1964; Anti-American rioting broke out in the Panama Canal Zone. 1968; Surveyor 7, the last of America's unmanned lunar probes, landed on the Moon. Picture Of The Day: The white house version of "Alice In Wonerland".
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now. 2) Polynesia is defined as memory loss in parrots. 3) I saw a dyslexic bumper sticker that read: Geez if you believe in honkus. 4) Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is. 5) My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. We'll she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.....and that's five ! Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 9th: The lyrics "rainy days and Mondays alway get me down" won't apply to you today. Granted, today is Monday and the chance of rain is a proverbial crap shoot, but you'll escape from both in good shape. Chance of romance is twenty percent (it is Monday) but luck may come in another form. Don't get into an elevator with a midget.
Birthdays: Carrie Chapman Catt, suffragist 1859, Hayyim Nahman Bialik, poet, publisher 1873, John B. Watson, psychologist 1878, Karel Capek, author 1890, Simone de Beauvoir, author 1908, Richard Nixon, 37th United States President 1913, Har Gobind Khorana, biochemist 1922, Bob Denver, actor 1935, Joan Baez, folk singer and political activist 1941. The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water....right here on my desk. So, who wants to go first?" The Englishman piped up and said, "B-B-B-B-B-B-B-irmingham." The speech therapist said, "That's no use, Trevor. Who's next?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out, "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley." She said, "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?" The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, "London." The speech therapist said, "Brilliant Paddy" and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry." An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
e Hits Just Keep On Coming: A nun really needing to go to the bathroom, so she walked into a neighborhood bar. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." The nun asked, "Why not?" The bartender said, "Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf." The nun said, "Nonsense, I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" The bartender said, "Well, now they know you're one of us. Would you like a drink?" The puzzled nun said, "But, I still don't understand." The bartender laughed and said, "Every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister?"
English couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are playing a round of golf in Scotland. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee. As she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals a lack of underwear. The English man says, "Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any bloomers?" His wife responded, "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. The Irishman says, "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! Ye've no knickers. Why not?'" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 10. Go buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. The Scotsan exclaims, "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit." A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are Injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans. That's it for today my little lamb chops. Remember, the best way to open childproof caps is with a hammer. More on Wednesday. Stay Tuned !
An old friend may soon go the way of the dinosaurs as Eastman Kodak borders on the verge of bankruptcy. Stock prices have plummeted to less than one dollar a share and things don't look well. Back in the day, we didn't use the word "camera" very often. We just referred to it as the "Kodak." In a new computer age, resistance to change is futile and companies must constantly adapt and update their products to assure continued success. Most of today's smart phones are quite caple of taking a good picture and many people rely on the instant photograph access for spur of the moment pictures. Still, Kodak has been a reliable friend over the years and perhaps they will still be able to pull out of their current nose dive. Time will tell..... General Electric is planning to move its 115-year-old X-ray division from Waukesha, Wisconsin, to Beijing. In addition to moving the headquarters, the company will invest $2 billion in China and train more than 65 engineers and create six research centers. This is the same GE that made $5.1 billion in the United States last year, but paid no taxes. The same company that employs more people overseas than it does in the united States. So let me get this straight. Obama appointed GE CEO Chairman Jeff Immelt to head his commission on job creation (job czar). Immelt is supposed to help create jobs. I guess Barry forgot to tell him in which country he was supposed to be creating those jobs.
The News As I See It: Rick Perry said was quitting the Republican race, but then the next morning, he said he's staying in. Hmm......going back on his word? Maybe he'd make a good president after all. Rick Santorum’s campaign is celebrated the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Sadly, it was delivered by Herman Cain. France apparently passed a new law that makes it harder to become a French citizen. Most people just get lazy, give up and surrender. This, of course, automatically qualifies them to become a French citizen. The History Channel is planning a new 12-hour miniseries about the evolution of humans. If you missed the episode on Neanderthals, you can just watch the season premiere of "Jersey Shore". This Date In History: 1540; King Henry VIII of England married his 4th wife, Anne of Cleves. 1759; George Washington married Martha Custis. 1838 Samuel Morse gave the first public demonstration of the telegraph. 1912; New Mexico became the 47th state in the United States. 1919; Former president Theodore Roosevelt died in Oyster Bay, New York. 1987; University of California astronomers first witnessed the birth of a galaxy that contained 1 billion stars. 1994; Figure skater Nancy Kerrigan clubbed on leg by men including husband of rival skater Tonya Harding. Picture Of The Day: Time has a way of marching on but it's still sad to see the condition of the Kodak company. Faded memories.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My credit is so bad that Mastercard is now sending me my bills in Spanish. 2) This is absolutely the last year I buy another one of those stupid Mayan calendars. 3) When I was married, I took my wife everywhere, but she always found her way back. 4) The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 55 I was sitting in AREA 51 last week and I asked a lovely Oriental girl if she knew what an erection was. She said, "Of course, it's when we vote".....and that's five ! Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 6th: Great times are in store for you tonight. Remember to gas up your car 'cause I'd hate to see you run out of gas on your way home. Don't pet goats tonight. Romance will be the farthest thing from your mind but the chances are 50-50 if you really want to know. Buy a lottery ticket!
Birthdays: Jackie and Natasha are celebrating birthdays today. Happy Birthday ladies! 19XX, Heinrich Schliemann, archaeologist 1822, Carl Sandburg, American poet and biographer 1878, Tom Mix, actor 1880, Khalil Gibran, poet and novelist 1883, Abram Nicholas Pritzker, entrepreneur 1896, Loretta Young, actress 1913, Danny Thomas, actor, singer, dancer 1914 E L Doctorow, novelist 1931, Rowan Atkinson, actor 1955, Nancy Lopez, golfer 1957. The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship. His new bride asked lovingly, "What is it?" He said, "I'm a golf fanatic. I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win." His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker." Her husband said, "No problem, just widen your stance a little, overlap your grip and that should clear it right up." During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force pilot shook his head and in true pilot fashion said. "And to think that all these years I've just been chewing gum."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Deb and Victor for their contributions to today's stories. There was a woman who was very beautiful, except she had a hare lip. The woman was so embarrassed by her hare lip that she went into the woods to live all alone in a cabin, where no one would ever see her hare lip. At the same time, there lived in the city a man with a wooden eye. He only had one real eye, but he was too poor to buy a glass eye, so he had a fake wooden eye made. He figured no normal woman would go out with him, but he heard about the woman with the hare lip and he thought maybe she would go out with him. So he wandered through the woods until he found her cabin and he knocked on the door. He was still worried about his wooden eye, but he figured she wouldn't say anything because she'd be so sensitive about her hare lip. He knocked on the door, introduced himself and said, "Would you like to go out with me?" She was thrilled, because no one had ever asked her out before. He said again, "Would you like to go out with me?" and she said, "Would I? Would I?" And he said, "Hare Lip! Hare Lip!" And neither of them were heard from again. A blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" The blonde said, "Yes, do you need a lift?" The man said, "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck." He continued, "My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." The blonde said, "Sure, I'll be happy to help out.". So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car, were carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. The truck driver said, "What are you doing here? I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." The blonde said, "I did, but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World." A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake, while her dad gets his haircut. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." The little girls says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too." That's it for today my little dixie cups. Remember, the sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday. Stay Tuned !
My pal Garnett sent me a video about the aftermath of the Tsunami in Japan last year and it really moved me. I have no idea how recent this video is, but just like Old Timer's disease, I meet new friends every day so it's new to me.
