A Weekend With No Crisis? - Wait For It - They'll Find One !

Well, the national crises are over for the moment and the most important thing that's happened in Washington is that Veteran's Memorial is open and the Panda Cam is up and running. Even the Mars rover Curiosity tweeted, "Allow me to reintroduce myself. I'm back on Twitter and even closer to Mars' Mount Sharp."

Oh sure, the non-essential workers who were furloughed are back to work and will receive all of their back pay along with a promise of a possible one percent pay raise in January if Obama signs the presidential order. Knowing Obama's irresponsible spending of our tax dollars, that just about guarantees the raise. I think the term non-essential needs to be redefined.

Nevertheless, Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He likes to start off his speeches with a joke.

The News As I See It: Obama says that now that the shutdown is over and the budget deal is made, he's going to concentrate on immigration. He says he will start by deporting Ted Cruz.

John McCain said "the shutdown was one of the most shameful things he's seen as a senator." That's from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot.

The Dalai Lama, in a new interview, has endorsed medical marijuana. Now we know why he sits around in a robe all day.

Anthony Wiener said if the Internet didn't exist he would probably be mayor of New York. Yeah, and elephants would be flying right now if gravity didn't exist. Before the Internet, Anthony Wiener would just have been a regular guy in a trench coat hiding behind a tree.
 

This Date In History: 1685; Louis XIV revoked the Edict of Nantes. 1767; The boundary between Maryland and Pennsylvania, the Mason-Dixon line, was agreed upon. 1867; The United States took possession of Alaska from Russia. 1912; The first Balkan War broke out.

1931; Inventor Thomas Alva Edison died in West Orange, N.J., at age 84. 1968; The U.S. Olympic Committee suspended two black athletes for giving a "black power" salute during a victory ceremony at the Mexico City games.

2011; Gilad Shalit, a 25-year-old Israeli soldier, is released after being held for more than five years by Hamas. He is exchanged for 1,000 Palestinian prisoners. Shalit had been held in Gaza since Palestinian militants kidnapped him in 2006.

Picture Of The Day: I have nothing to add.....well, I do, but I don't think the young woman would go along with my plan.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) (Her): "Honey, do you think I have too much makeup on?" (Me): "That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?" 2) My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants. 3) I know it's been a while since I cleaned my house, but bringing in those blindfolded people for a Febreeze commercial wasn't funny. 4) She said that she had only been married twice, but I could tell it was more than that by the rice marks on her face. 5) Back in the day, I remember painting a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 18th: Prepare yourself because your life is set for the biggest change you've seen in a long time. Your love life is ready to flourish and all because you bought that wonderful hat the other day. You did buy it didn't you? Oh, tell me you bought the hat!

Birthdays: Edward Winslow, founders of Plymouth Colony 1595, Canaletto, Venetian painter 1697, King Mongkut, the Siamese King who, together with his English governess, Anna Leonowens, inspired the musical, "The King And I".

1804, Lotte Lenya, singer and actress 1898, Pierre Elliott Trudeau, former Prime Minister 1919, Chuck Berry, American rock music guitarist, singer, and songwriter 1926, George C. Scott, actor 1927, Mike Ditka, football player.

1939, Lee Harvey Oswald, presumed assassin 1939, Ntozake Shange, writer 1948, Martina Navratilova, tennis player 1956, Jean-Claude Van Damme, actor(?) 1960 ,Wynton Marsalis, trumpeter, bandleader, and composer 1961, Zac Efron, actor 1987.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was pulled over for speeding down the highway. A young officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The old man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" The old man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine. I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The young officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."

The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his drivers license and registration.  The old man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"

The old man  laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The old man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.

The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box and a dead body in the trunk."  The old man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

His wife yells, "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

The husband says, "Because he's thinking of getting married."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

The fire fighter says, "Little partner, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says "Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress.  Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave shit for others to clean up and disappear for rest of day."

That's it for today, my little tootsie pops. Remember, the first to apologize is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest and the first to open the vodka is the smartest. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Shutdown Averted - Can Successfully Kicked Down The Road

Sorry I'm late. Just woke up from my nap. Let me check my notes and turn on the news. Yeah, the assholes in the Senate and the House passed the bill and now it goes to Shithead for his signature. Where's the can...? Oh, now I see it...they've kicked it down the road a bit.

Earlier today, Senate leaders unveiled a deal to reopen the government and avoid a potential debt default. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) announced the deal jointly on the Senate floor.

The deal developed by the two Senate leaders would open the government until January 15 and extend the debt ceiling through February 7th. It also includes back pay for furloughed federal workers and an agreement for the House and Senate to finally open a conference committee to hash out their differing budgets. perhaps allowing them to find a longer-term solution.

Oh yeah.....and there's no provision for Obozo and his lackeys to give their subsidies for Obamacare. Nice work if you can get it. Instead of playing kick the can, I'd like to see O'Bummer and Congress play hot potato with a live hand grenade......

The News As I See It: During the government shutdown, the White House is under attack by squirrels. They've invaded the White House garden because the gardeners were laid off. Michelle Obama planted a garden to show how easy it is to grow your own food. All you need is water, sunlight, and 50 full-time federal employees.

Just when you think that Congress could not do anything less, they manage to. At this point the government is like a house on Halloween that turns out the lights and leaves a bowl of candy on the front porch.

I am starting to forget what it is like to have a government. There was a guy with big ears and a suit who talked about hope. That is all gone.

I tried to sign up for Obamacare on the computer. I had no trouble whatsoever. I signed right up for Obamacare and ordered six months of Mexican Viagra.

There was a Columbus Day parade here in Miami. Columbus thought he landed in India. Instead he landed in the Bahamas. If he were alive today he'd be running an Italian cruise ship.

The Washington Redskins are changing their name because "Washington" is too embarrassing.

At New York's Comic Con this week, Sylvester Stallone charged fans almost $500 for a photo with him. So far he's made almost $500.
 

This Date In History: 1793; French queen Marie Antoinette was guillotined for treason. 1859; Abolitionist John Brown his men captured the U.S. arsenal at Harper's Ferry.

1916; Margaret Sanger opened the first birth-control clinic in New York City. 1962; The Cuban Missile Crisis began. 1964; China detonated its first atomic bomb. 1978; John Paul II was elected pope.

2001; Twelve Senate offices were closed when a letter to Sen. Tom Daschle was found to contain anthrax. 2002; The White House announced that North Korea had disclosed the existence of a secret nuclear weapons program.

Picture Of The Day: Need I say more? Oh yeah, I forgot. During a prescheduled House hearing Wednesday morning, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) spent several minutes berating National Parks Service director Jonathan Jarvis over the closing of several Washington, D.C. monuments during the government shutdown.

Contrasting the parks service's decision to allow in 2011 the Occupy Wall Street movement a one-hundred-day-long encampment in D.C.'s McPherson Square with the turning away of visitors to the National Mall this October, Gowdy scolded Jarvis for favoring the "pot-smoking" Occupiers over the "war veterans" who "helped build" the monuments.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think it's wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy. They should be allowed to get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way. 2) My cat acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner. 3) If you really love your kids, you will teach them to say their alphabet forwards and backwards. They'll thank you later (Right, officer?) 4) Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. The last time I rode a bike on drugs, I ran into a parked zebra. 5) A new study shows that eating bacon can lower a man's chances of getting a woman pregnant. Scientists are calling it alarming. Men are calling it a win-win.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 16th: Any time you feel restless this week, take Viagra and Ritalin at the same time.

Birthdays: My friend, Juanita - Happy Birthday 19XX, Noah Webster, American lexicographer and philologist 1758, Oscar Wilde, author 1854, David Ben-Gurion, statesman 1886, Eugene O'Neill, playwright 1888, Michael Collins, revolutionary leader 1890, Paul Strand, photographer 1890, William O. Douglas, jurist 1898, Angela Lansbury, actress 1925, Suzanne Somers, actress 1946, Tim Robbins, actor 1958, John Mayer, singer, songwriter 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

The storekeeper said, "Oh, it's alright. I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." The florist said, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." The storekeeper asked, "Well, what did it say?" The florist said, "It read 'Congratulations on your new location'."

Two eighty year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. Moe says, "Sam, you know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...." Moe sits up suddenly, "Who is it?" Moe says, "It's me, Sam." Moe says, "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died." Sam insists, "I'm telling you, it's me, Sam!"

Moe says, "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" Sam says, "I'm in heaven and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news." Moe says, "Tell me the good news first."

Sam says, "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven." Moe says, "Really? That's wonderful! What's the bad news?" Sam says, "You're pitching Tuesday!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Bobby and Mike for their contributions to today's stories.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag. As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.

Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot her also. Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak. Then, one old man named Murray cautiously raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you....."

Medicare Part G: You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.

You are allowed to shoot 4 Politicians. Of course, this means you'll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, lungs or heart You know what? They are all covered. As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home. And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

That's it for today, my little inmates. Remember, if you're buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it's probably because he bought is his condoms there too. AREA 51 is my destination for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Columbus Day - Plant Your Flag Somewhere

Today is Columbus Day and be happy that Christopher Columbus found America first. His nemesis, Garmin Von Goögle Maps, showed up minutes later after taking an alternate route. It's normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

One of my favorite things to to on Columbus Day is to go around planting flags at different places and say I own it. This particular move did not work out well at the Indian Casino. As it turns out, they had seen that trick before.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions. So, Happy Columbus Day! I hope everyone takes the day to appreciate our country and of course, look for new continents.

Meanwhile, the government shutdown continues. It's now Day 14 and former democratic congressman Anthony Weiner has decided to help. He took a photo and tweeted it to Congress. Now they can see where their balls are located.

The News As I See It: Obama's approval rating is down to 37 percent. Time to kill bin Laden again. Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown.

The Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, "Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one."

The Vatican made news this week after it released 6,000 commemorative medals with the word “Jesus” misspelled. When they saw what happened, the Vatican was like, “Oh, my Dog!”

Detroit's former mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, has been sentenced to 28 years in prison for corruption. Well, lucky for him his years in Detroit will count as time served.

If you go to the country of Kuwait, they give you something called a gay test. It's apparently illegal to be gay in Kuwait, so they ask one question, "Do you watch the Tony Awards?"

We seem to be getting along just fine without a government during the shutdown. I just pray that when the shutdown is over, all nonessential employees — about 800,000 of them — will be back at their nonessential jobs.

This Date In History: 1066; The Normans, under William the Conqueror, defeated the English at the Battle of Hastings. 1933; Nazi Germany withdrew from the Geneva disarmament conference and the League of Nations.

1947; U.S. Air Force Captain Charles "Chuck" Yeager became the first person to travel faster than the speed of sound. 1964; Martin Luther King, Jr., was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in civil rights.

1968; The first live telecast from a staffed U.S. spacecraft was transmitted from Apollo 7. 1990; Composer-conductor Leonard Bernstein died in New York at age 72.

Picture Of The Day: Th

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska or is it just understood? 2) The Surgeon General warns that alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women. 3) By the way, I'm a vegan until my next paycheck. 4) Relationships are fun. When the girl I just met went in the other room, I asked her dog what she looks like naked. 5) Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 13th: When your lover starts wearing more clothes to bed than to work, it's a good guess that your happiness is close to being over. Dogs will find themselves inexplicably attracted to your shins, this week.

Birthdays: My pals Matt and Rhonda - Happy Birthday! 19XX, James II king of England, Scotland and Ireland 1633, William Penn founder of Pennsylvania 1644, Elwood Haynes, inventor 1857, Dwight D. Eisenhower, American general and 34th President of the United States 1890, Lillian Gish, actress 1893, e. e. cummings, poet 1894, William Edwards Deming, management consultant 1900, Hannah Arendt, political theorist, 1906, Roger Moore, actor 1927, Ralph Lauren, fashion designer 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do. The situation: You are in Washington, DC, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.

Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Barack Obama who has been swept away by the flood waters.

He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

Here's the question and think carefully: Which lens would you use?

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" The man said, "No matter, observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered round the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" The Bishop sadly replied, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Little Johnny's class were on a trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. The policeman said, "Yes, the detectives want him very badly." Little Johnny asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,went to the local church for confession.When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood, knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."      

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess that." The man said, "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays."      

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

The man said, "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." The priest asked, "And what is that?" The man said, "Should I tell her the war is over?"

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, after drinking coffee at work, show your empty mug to the IT guy and tell him you've successfully installed Java. He'll hate you.....

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

The Government Has Sunken To A New Low

Although the problem has now been resolved by Congress, Obama was "very disturbed" to learn that the Defense Department would not pay death benefits to the families of fallen soldiers according to White House fact spinner and resident gnome, Jay Carney.

But if the Defense Department knew this several weeks ago, why didn't Obama? When did Obama learn about the problem? Jay Carney was asked that question at least six times on Wednesday, but he wouldn't or couldn't say.

Obama doesn't ever seem to know when something goes awry. He didn't know about Benghazi, he didn't know about the IRS scandal, he didn't know about the "Fast and Furious" scandal, ad nauseum.

What the hell is the anointed one aware of? I'll tell you the answer. Obama is aware when it is politically convenient to be aware (read: the assassination of bin Laden). This man is making Jimmy Carter look like a genius.

Obama insists he wasn’t aware of the details causing these scandals until they became public knowledge which leads me to believe conclude that Obama and his administration aren’t capable of managing a two car funeral.

Kanye West, despite his ignorant rants, says that he is a genius. His recent appearance on the Kimmy Kimmel Show only serves to assure me that he's a narcissistic asshole, a belief confirmed by many who know him.

When Kanye interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, even Obama called him a "jackass" in a CNBC interview. While that's a bit like the proverbial pot calling the kettle black, Obama's opinion was spot on.

The News As I See It: The California health insurance exchange said that over 5 million people went to their website on the first day of Obamacare. It turns out they were off by 4.4 million. It got only 645,000 hits and those were from the same guy just trying to log on over and over.

Obama said that Congress needs to raise the debt ceiling because there aren't any other "rabbits in our hat." Plus, they're still tired from their last trick, where they made thousands of jobs disappear.

The stalemate continues. The two sides are miles apart. But enough about Kris and Bruce Jenner. Bruce Jenner and Kris Kardashian are splitting up after 22 years of marriage. On the plus side, they made it 21 years and 42 weeks longer than Kim's last marriage.

Kris Jenner said she doesn't know if she and Bruce will get divorced. Like the rest of us, she'll have to wait until the writers are done with the script for next season.

A historian has evidence that the Chinese discovered America before Christopher Columbus did. He said the Chinese were the first to sail across the ocean to North America. Then they realized they'd forgotten the sweet and sour sauce and had to go back.

Columbus gets too much credit anyway. First he thought he was coming to India. Secondly, what did he discover? There were already people here. It's like crashing your car through the door of a Starbucks and then saying you discovered coffee.

A new study found that dogs can actually feel genuine love for their owners, while cats just keep a journal of all the things they hate about you.

This Date In History: 1779; Polish patriot and American Revolutionary War commander Casimir Pulaski was killed in the battle of Savannah. 1899; The Boer War began in South Africa. 1915; English nurse Edith Cavell was executed by the Germans.

1939; A letter from Albert Einstein was delivered to President Franklin D. Roosevelt concerning the possibility of atomic weapons. 1962; The first session of Vatican II was convened by Pope John XXIII.

1968; The first staffed Apollo mission, Apollo 7, was launched with astronauts Wally Schirra, Donn Fulton Eisele, and R. Walter Cunningham aboard. 1984; Space shuttle Challenger astronaut, Kathryn Sullivan, became the first American woman to walk in space.

Picture Of The Day: Twilight.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 years old now and I have no idea where the hell she is. 2) I almost hit a deer last night, but then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out. 3) God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. 4) Every morning is the dawn of a new error. 5) I used to drive around with an old person who knew where everything didn't used to be. Now, I'm that person.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 11th: Destiny awaits you and is waiting with open arms to welcome you into the clubhouse of love. Everything is going perfectly and nothing is going to spoil it.

Birthdays: H. J. Heinz food manufacturer 1844, Eleanor Roosevelt, 1st lady of President Franklin D. Roosevelt 1844, Charles Revson cosmetics industry executive 1906, Joseph Alsop political journalist 1910, Jerome Robbins choreographer 1918, Elmore Leonard writer 1925, Steve Young football player 1961, Joan Cusack comic actress 1962, Luke Perry actor 1966, Michelle Wie golfer 1989.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear and said, ''Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!'' The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon

Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, ''Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!'' This time, he figured he'd better look into it.

A few passengers had remained on the bus and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him. ''Excuse me sir, could I help you?''

The elderly man looked up and said, ''Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle and mine is parted on the side!'"

A man visits his aging father in his new old folks home. The room seems awfully small and his bed is the narrowest he’s ever seen. Despite this, his father is delighted with his new home.

Later, he meets the sister of the home and says, "My father is delighted to be here, what is your secret?" The sister replies, "Well, each night we give him a sleeping tablet and a Viagra tablet."

The son asks," What on earth is the Viagra tablet for? Surely he’s not up to any hanky panky at his age?" The sister replies, "Oh no, but it does stop him from rolling out of bed at night....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live alone, a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she'll be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a tasty breakfast and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. The ask her, "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" She replies, "It's pretty nice, except they won't let you fart......"

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, Informing me that I can have sex at 79. I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards and it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road.

Three convicts - an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman - were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, the Scotsman turned to the Englishman and said, "So pal, whadda bring with yer?"

The Englishman pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Picasso of Prison".

Then he asked the Scotsman, "So, my good man, what did you bring?" The Scotsman pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The Irish convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and the Englishman asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The Irishman pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating....."

That's it for today, my little orange blossoms. Remember this survival tip: If a bear charges you, do not try to the classic "leg sweep". They've all seen The Karate Kid and have learned how to defend against it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a terrific weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !