Frogs And Snails And Puppy Dog Tails

We always had animals when I was a kid. There was always the family dog, but there was a plethora of cats and chickens. The dogs had names and most of the cats as well, but after a while, we just called them by species and gender.

There was "Mama Cat", "Baby Cat" and they usual run of "Snowballs", "Blackies", "Tigers" and the like. Mama Cat had a litter about every three months and her litters were always beautiful. We kids all enjoyed the kittens.

We also had quite a few bantam chickens. "Whitey" was the mother and "Pete" was the proverbial cock-of-the-walk. Just like Mama Cat, Whitey would disappear for a day or two and sooner or later, she'd come out sporting her new family.

I don't really recall much fighting between the animals. My dog, "Beannie" was only concerned with playing with his friend "King" and getting fed, although I do remember one confrontation between Mama Cat and Beannie.

Beannie must have irritated Moma Cat because she attacked him. Beannie wasn't in the mood to be messed with and he cornered her and she was on her back in a defensive position. Beannie took his right paw and put it on her chest, holding her down.

They stared at each other for a moment, then Beannie removed his paw and walked away. He could have killed her, but I think it was just his way of letting her know that the big dog hunts and eats first. They remained friendly after that.....

Brother Kirt, myself and Beannie

A school absence note from a member of the armed forces:

November 12, 2013

My child was absent from school yesterday because of Veteran's Day. He will attend school on Veteran's Day when children go to school on Martin Luther King Day.

(Name Withheld)
Vietnam Veteran
Big Red 1 - Sgt E-5

The News As I See It: How hard is it to get a website to work? People keep trying to sign up. Four hours later they're on the seventh level of Candy Crush. I just want liberals to know, you still have NPR, Whole Foods and gay sex, so everything is not lost.

Obama and his top aides met with insurance company CEOs at the White House on Friday. So we've got politicians meeting with insurance salesmen. You know, if you throw in a couple of used car dealers, you have the trifecta of professional lying right there.

The New York Times is calling this Obama's Katrina. Which of course is great for George Bush. He loves this. He called up Obama today and said, "You're doing a heck of a job, brownie."

Obama is being criticized for not attending the ceremony commemorating the Gettysburg Address. In fairness, though, Lincoln did not attend Obama's "Sorry about this crappy website" speech.

Monday was Mickey Mouse Day. He made his debut on this date in 1928. He's 88 years old. He's gone from "It's a small world" to "It's an enlarged prostate. I like Mickey Mouse. I like the squeaky voice, the happy face, the little shorts. Wait, I'm thinking of Richard Simmons.

This Date In History: 1789; New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights. 1910; Francisco Madero began an armed revolt against the president of Mexico, Porfirio Diaz.

1945; The war crimes trials of 24 German World War II leaders began in Nuremberg, Germany. 1947; The future Queen Elizabeth II married Philip Mountbatten, Duke of Ediburgh.

1962; President John F. Kennedy agreed to lift the American blockade of Cuba, ending the Cuban missile crisis. 1975; Spain's General Francisco Franco died. 2000; Peru's president Alberto Fujimori resigned.

Picture Of The Day: This is not "Pete" but he has very similar markings. A beautiful animal.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) At the airport yesterday, a TSA worker asked a passenger, "Has anyone handled your bag?" The passenger said, "No, but she's right behind me." 2) I went to the bank this morning and after inserting my bankcard, the ATM asked, "Is it in yet?" That's not funny ATM. 3) The real 5 second rule is that if you can get to it before the dog does, it's yours. 4) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. 5) Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, "Why does nobody reply to my emails?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - November 20th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio. The end is growing nearer but, according to the stars, you've still got plenty of time. If you never liked asparagus before, try it again. I still think it tastes like shit, but your tastes may have changed.

Birthdays: Kenesaw Mountain Landis, jurist and commissioner of baseball 1866, Norman M. Thomas, socialist leader 1884, Edwin Hubble, astronomer 1889, Alexandra Danilova, ballerina, teacher 1903, Alistair Cooke, journalist, broadcaster 1908, Robert C Byrd, Senator 1917, Nadine Gordimer, writer 1923, Robert F. Kennedy, Senator 1925, Richard Dawson, actor 1932, John Bolton, political figure 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man's wife asked him to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the store, looked around and couldn't find any.

So he grabbed an old produce employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The old produce guy looked at him and said, "No sir, you'll have to do that yourself."

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed, hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

The other husband said, "That's nothing. Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said, "From all of us at Fire Station 2. We'll never forget you....."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Don't drink and drive during the holidays! Last year, I went out with a few friends. After several scotches, I knew I was wasted. So, I did something I've never done before.

Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yep, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. I was kind of surprised since I've never driven a bus before.

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship. His new bride asked lovingly, "What is it?"

He said, "I'm a golf fanatic. I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I'm a hooker."

Her husband said, "No problem. Just widen your stance a little, overlap your grip and that should clear it right up."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, the best revenge when someone pisses you off in the grocery store is to get in front of  them in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check. My next destination is AREA 51 for happy hour. Join me if you dare.....

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Who Are You Talking To ?

I was 11 years old the day I learned that Dad talked to himself. I had overheard a conversation in the kitchen and when I went to see who it was, I found that Dad was alone and having one hell of a conversation, ostensibly with himself.

As I nervously backed out of the kitchen, I was beside myself over the incident and could not wait until my mother got home so I could tell her what had happened.

When Mom arrived, I hurriedly took her aside and told her what happened. I told her that I was sure that Dad was going insane and asked her what we could do.

Mom turned to me with that loving look that only Moms can give and began to laugh uncontrollably. As she brushed aside her tears of laughter, she simply said, "Your father is fine and one day, you'll understand this incident a little better, when you see it through older eyes."

Well I understand completely now and the funny thing is that I was in the car today having a nice conversation with myself when I noticed a young lady starring at me in the next car. Fortunately, I pretended like I was singing along with a song on the radio, just like all the normal crazies......

The News As I See It: According to a new report, over a million people in California are losing their health insurance due to Obamacare. I don't believe that. There's not a million people in California who have health or car insurance.

Only 106,000 people have signed up for Obamacare. Even more disappointing is that it turned out to be one man who accidentally signed up 106,000 times.

It's another bad week for Rob Ford, the troubled mayor of Toronto. This week he said there may be more skeletons in his closet. Personally, I think they're just old chicken wings. Ford and his brother are being given their own reality show. Ford says he doesn't really know if he'll be a good TV host, but he's willing to take a crack at it.

Heinz ketchup announced that it will cut more than 1,300 jobs over the next eight months. They say they just don't have a lot of money left in their budget. Then people said, "Have you tried turning it upside down and letting it sit for a few minutes?

The No. 1 movie is "Thor." It's all about a guy named Thor who saves the world with his giant hammer. He also has a medium-sized hammer he uses to tenderize veal and a tiny hammer to test your reflexes.

This Date In History: 1820; Captain Nathaniel Palmer discovered Antarctica. 1883; Standard time began in the United States. 1886; Chester A. Arthur, the 21st president of the United States (1881–1885), died in New York at 56. 1928; Mickey Mouse made his debut in Steamboat Willie.

1976; Spain's parliament approved a bill to establish a democracy after 37 years of dictatorship. 1978; Jim Jones, a U.S. pastor, led 914 of his followers to their deaths at Jonestown, Guyana, by drinking a cyanide-laced fruit drink. Cult members who refused to swallow the drink were shot.

2003; The Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled 4-3 that the right to same sex marriage was guaranteed by the state constitution. 2004; The UN Security Council held a two-day session in Nairobi. This was the first time it had convened outside of New York headquarters.

Picture Of The Day: "Sub-Woofers"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around. 2) I get high before I get my Drivers License picture taken. That way I look normal if I'm pulled over. 3) Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times. 4) I tried to give a bottle of coke to a polar bear. He did not accept it. He also he took my son's hamburger. Not funny, Coke. 5) My friend's wife told him If she had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons she would've become a lesbian.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - November 18th: While this horoscope might not apply to all of you, it seems worthwhile suggesting that Margaret is going to have a really nice time today. A very nice time. And a good time will be had by all, especially if your name is Margaret or Marge or Mike or Dave.

OK, I'll admit the stars are a bit vague on this point, but basically if your name starts with a letter from the Roman alphabet then you're pretty much assured of happiness. Tragic love is all we have to share this week, when things go right, they are awesome. When things go wrong, they are the worst. Still, life's got to have its ups and downs, don't you think?

Birthdays: My niece, Ashley and my pal Terrie - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Louis Daguerre, early pioneer of photography 1789, Ignace Paderewski, pianist, composer 1860, Clarence S. Day, essayist 1874, Eugene Ormandy, conductor 1899, George Horace Gallup, originator of the Gallup poll 1901, Alan B. Shepard, astronaut 1923, Margaret Atwood, novelist and poet 1939, Wilma Mankiller, former chief of the Cherokee Nation 1945, Alan Moore, writer 1953, Owen Wilson, actor 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer.

So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees." After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief.

The father asks, "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized and said, "Look, I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!" Then he got a little panicky. He thought, "I don't remember her, but maybe, during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!"

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" With a horrified look on her face, she said, "No, I'm your son's second grade teacher."

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said, "I love it but I have to stop eating it." He asked, "Why?" 

She pointed to her lap and said "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" He said, "Let me see" She said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too! "

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said" Oh, my God, It's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"

That's it for today, my little eaglets. Remember, boys will be boys. girls will be girls and koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That's more or less how things work.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Recliner: One Who Reclines ?

My recliner is, by far, the place where I get the best sleep. As far as I can determine, the reasoning is that there is no actual plan or preparation for sleep. One minute, you're watching television and the next thing you know, you wake up four hours later and find the cat sleeping on your chest.

As a rule, when I feel a bit drowsy, I get up and turn off the television and computer. Then, turning off lights as I walk, I head to the bathroom to do my nightly duties. The next move is to the bedroom where put on my sleepwear, peel back the sheets and get into the bed. The cat then joins me and presumbly, I'm off to never-never-land. Therein lies the rub.

Once I've completed this series of tasks and get into bed, the cat decides that he would like to be scratched or rubbed. As I care for my cat, my mind wanders, going over tomorrow's agenda. Somwhere in the distance, I hear a drip and....voila! Now, I'm wide awake.

And my recliner? Watching TV...watching TV...Coma!

The News As I See It: Obama met with various leaders of the American Indian tribes. He promised them, "If you like your medicine man, you can keep your medicine man.

According to a new report, over a million Californians are losing their health insurance due to Obamacare. In fact, some are so angry they have already gone back to Mexico.

The smiling woman who was featured on the home page of Healthcare.gov asked for her picture to be removed after she was cyber-bullied. She's hiding where nobody can see her — at Healthcare.gov.

I don’t know what’s happening with "Dancing With the Stars" this year, but people just aren’t watching as much as they used to. They’re trying to think of anything they can to boost ratings. In fact, I heard they might even try adding celebrities to the show.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers won their first game of the season Monday night. They beat the Miami Dolphins 22-19. This was an important loss for the Dolphins because they proved they can embarrass themselves without Richie Incognito.

It seems like everyone’s still pretty upset about this Obamacare website. The Department of Health and Human Services emailed 275,000 Americans, encouraging them to give the Obamacare website another try. Then they said, "But one at a time, so it doesn't crash again."
 

This Date In History: 1763; Charles Mason and Jeremiah Dixon began surveying the Mason-Dixon line. 1777; The Continental Congress approved the Articles of Confederation, the precursor to the U.S. Constitution.

1806; Explorer Zebulon Pike spotted the mountaintop now known as Pikes Peak. 1939; The cornerstone of the Jefferson Memorial was laid by President Roosevelt.

1969; About 250,000 protesters against the Vietnam War, the largest war protest ever, converged peacefully on Washington, DC. 2002; Hu Jintao replaced Jiang Zemin as China's Communist Party leader.

Picture Of The Day: Everything loses value over time....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Everybody values honesty until they have an ugly baby. 2) Do you think it's weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night? 3) Actually, the past tense is "hanged" as in "he hanged himself". Sorry about your husband, though. 4) If I'm ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 seconds, plug me back in and see if that works. 5) It's now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, "trophy wife" has become rather ambiguous.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - November 15th: The future will find you in good spirits. In the midst of these good spirits, you may meet someone that you are immediately fond of. Due to this, your good spirits will wax and wane over the coming months. You will overhear gossip today about your love life while you are sitting in a bathroom stall. This will cause you to damn your flatulent ways as you miss the really juicy part.

Birthdays: Louis Daguerre, early pioneer of photography 1789, Ignace Paderewski, pianist, composer 1860, Clarence S. Day, essayist 1874, Eugene Ormandy, conductor 1899, George Horace Gallup, originator of the Gallup poll 1901, Alan B. Shepard, astronaut 1923, Margaret Atwood, novelist and poet 1939, Wilma Mankiller, former chief of the Cherokee Nation 1945, Alan Moore, writer 1953, Owen Wilson, actor 1968, Chloë Sevigny, actress 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An Irishman, who had a little too much to drink, is driving home from the city one night,  Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road and a cop pulls him over.

The cop to the driver, "So, where have ya been?" The drunk slurs, "Why, I've been to the pub of course," The cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." The drunk says with a smile, "I did all right."

The cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, says, "Did you know that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" The drunk sighs, "Oh, thank heavens. For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A 7 year old and a 5 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 5 year old nods his head in approval. The 7 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 5 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 5 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" The 5 year old blubbers, "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. He suggested, "For example, you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. The hesitant wife agreed, "Well, okay, but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away and second, you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said, "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."

That's it for today, my little winos. Remember, pizza is an emotion! I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a terrific weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Deep Thoughts

Men are deep thinkers. I mowed the lawn today and after doing so, I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My girlfriend walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said "nothing." The reason I said that instead of saying "just thinking" is because she would have said, "about what?"

At that point, I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the balls?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the balls. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the balls is more painful than having a baby.

Here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like to be kicked in the balls again." I rest my case.....

The News As I See It: According to a recent study, Southern accents were voted the sexiest of all American accents. Boston accents came in 87th, right after a deer being gutted.

On Veteran's Day, Obama honored our oldest living veteran, a man who is 107 years old and ordered him home from Afghanistan.

Obama said he is sorry that some Americans have lost their existing health coverage due to Obamacare. I think he's getting a little desperate. Today he said if you like your complete lack of coverage, you can keep your complete lack of coverage.

Scam artists are trying to take advantage of the problems with the Obamacare website. Experts say you can tell it's a scam site if it quickly and efficiently signs you up for healthcare.

According to The Washington Post, the White House is considering appointing a civilian to lead the NSA. If you're interested in the job, no need to submit a résumé, they have all your information already. They'll call you.
 

This Date In History: 1775; U.S. forces, under the command of Gen. Richard Montgomery, captured Montreal during the American Revolution. 1927; The world's first long, mechanically ventilated underwater tunnel, the Holland Tunnel, opened between New York and New Jersey.

1940; Walt Disney's Fantasia debuted. 1942; The minimum draft age was lowered from 21 to 18. 1946; Vincent Schaefer produced artificial snow from a natural cloud for the first time at Mount Greylock in Massachusetts.

1956; The Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on buses. 1982; The Vietnam War Memorial, designed by Maya Lin, was dedicated in Washington, DC. 2001; The Taliban abandoned Afghanistan's capital of Kabul when the Northern Alliance entered the city.

Picture Of The Day: A beautiful mountain view.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My son asked, "Am I adopted?" I told him, "Not yet, but we're hopeful." 2) I find it weird watching the passenger drive the car in England. 3) How can you go broke making Twinkies when two states just legalized marijuana? 4) I thought I heard my cat walking down the hall because of his long claws. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot. 5) Few people have the balls to admit when they're wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - November 13th: Your message today is "cryptic", which basically means that I made it up. You will get an important phone call today, but you won't be able to find a pen to write down the message. In the interim, you work on solving the cryptic message and I'll look for a pen.....

Birthdays: Saint Augustine, theologian 354, Johann Eck, theologian 1486, Robert Louis Stevenson, poet, novelist 1850, Mary Wigman, dancer, choreographer 1886, Whoopi Goldberg, comedienne, actress 1955, Gerard Butler, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go."

Billy Bob continued, "Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Earlene with me."

A man's daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with his time. She suggested that he go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. Her father did this and when he got home that night, he told her that he had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" He proudly showed her his new membership card. She said to him, "Dad, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

Her father lamented, "Well, then I'm in trouble. I signed up for five jumps next week....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for today's lead story.

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. The waiter stopped to take their order and both ordered tea. Sid said to Al, "I wonder if there are any Jews in China?" Sid replied. "I don't know. Let's ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" The waiter replied, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." Al asked, "Are you sure?" The waiter replied, "I will check again, sir," and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." Al asked again. " I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." The waiter said, "Sir, I ask everyone. We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy replies, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.....

That's it for today, my little love  birds. Remember, every chair is a recliner when you're drunk. You can find me in AREA 51 tonight at happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Remembering The Veterans

Today is Veteran's Day and a time to remember that the freedom we enjoy today is due to the millions of United States soldiers and allies who served or are serving in the military. Most have returned home, but many were severely injured or were killed in action.

I have to especially remember my father, James Sullivan Sr., (pictured left) who served in World War II and my late nephew, Jonathan Sullivan.

I served in the United States Army as well as Brother Kirt, who was in Vietnam. My friends Chris, Doug, Frankie, Gary, Jack, Jimmy, Carl, Victor and Wally also are remembered, as they served their country as well.

I ask all my readers and friends to take the time to remember our soldiers, past and present, and to extend a welcome hand to anyone in uniform. I can assure you that the gesture will be quite welcome and you can put a little sunshine into a soldier or veteran's life.

The News As I See It: Apparently there is a huge crack cocaine problem in Toronto. Luckily, it’s just confined to the mayor’s office.

Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor. Christie said he couldn't have done it without his biggest supporter – and then his belt said, "Happy to help, man."

As I'm sure you’ve heard by now, the mayor of Toronto, a man named Rob Ford, has admitted to smoking crack cocaine. People should have seen this coming. There were signs, like his campaign slogan: "Just say yes."

I was thinking about Thanksgiving and I realized who we should put in charge of the Obamacare website — the Butterball hotline people. Have you ever called them? They always pick up. They're friendly. They have all of the information you need. And they're used to dealing with big turkeys.

Half of the state of Colorado voted to secede from the United States. This is what happens when you legalize marijuana

According to CNN, they're now developing a new spy plane that can travel six times the speed of sound and can launch missiles. They said it could really help us with our spying. In fact, this plane is so good President Obama is already denying knowing anything about it.

This Date In History: 1620; The Mayflower Compact was signed by Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower. It would provide the basis for all governments of the American colonies. 1831; Former slave Nat Turner was executed. 1889; Washington became the 42nd state.

1918; The Allies and Germany signed an armistice ending World War I. 1921; The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was dedicated in Arlington National Cemetery. 1965; Rhodesia proclaimed its independence from Britain.

1992; The Church of England voted to ordain women as priests. 2004; Yasir Arafat, chairman of the Palestine Liberation Organization, died in Paris. Mahmoud Abbas was elected to take his place.

Picture Of The Day: The picture says it all.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm being so much nicer to my menopausal girlfriend since she showed me how easy it was to remove bloodstains from carpeting. 2) My cell phone autocorrected, "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyway. 3) Note to bicycling enthusiasts who go speeding by me as I'm walking: When you yell "on your left" as you go by, it only lets me know which arm to "clothesline" you with. 4) When you apply for a job at Hooters, they hand you a bra and say, "Here, just fill this out." 5) I start, but rarely complete my paintings and song writing, for I am a master of the partial arts.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - November 11th: Don't trust little birdies, they're renown liars. Bits and pieces of last night will flash before your eyes today. This is all due to the excitement and pleasure of your new found love - drinking all night at the country music karaoke bar.

Birthdays: My friends Gerald, Sharlan and Tommy - Happy Birthday - 19XX, Maude Adams, actress 1872, George Patton, general 1885, Howard Fast, author 1914, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., science fiction writer 1922, Carlos Fuentes, writer, editor, and diplomat 1928, LaVern Baker, singer 1929, Calista Flockhart, actress 1964, Leonardo DiCaprio, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: At the shopping mall the other day, an old man watched a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? The old man did not bat an eye and responded, "Yep, I got drunk one night and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. The Doctor said, "Come now, you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

The woman says, "Well, yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies. That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

She went on, " Later, there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me." The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder and said, "There, there, it's nothing to be afraid of. You're simply going through the change."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

Old Josh said, "If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars." His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray.

He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grandson another ten dollars. The little boy said, "But grandpa, you've already given me the ten dollars you promised." Old Josh said, "I know, that's from your grandma....."

The woman said to her friend, "I just don't understand?! I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and guys just don't seem interested in me. I don't know what's wrong with me." Her friend said, "I know a Chinese doctor that can help you."

So, her friend gave her the doctor's address and the next day she went to see him. She tells the doctor what her problem was and he proceeded to give her instructions. The Doctor says, "Take off your crows." The woman said, "What, what did you say?" The Doctor said, "take off your crows", motioning for her to take off her clothes.

The Doctor says "Ok, now craw to the window". The woman says, "What?" The Doctor repeats, "Craw to the window" he said as he got down on all fours to show her what he meant. So she crawled to the window. He says, "Now craw back to me," motioning her to come back.

The Doctor says, "Ah-ha! I know what your problem is. You have Ed Zachary disease." The woman says, "Ed Zachary disease, what's that?" The Doctor says "Your face looks Ed Zachary like your ass".

That's it for today, my little cashew nuts. Remember, if you say "no ifs, ands, or buts", then get ready for a shitload of "shoulds", "as well as", and "howevers".

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !