A Case Of Reptile Dysfunction

Watching Animal Planet yesterday, I happened to see a picture of a lizard that looked somewhat like the salamander above, except the lizard I encountered was not a salamander. A few years ago, I was watching TV on a Monday night when one about 14 inches long walked out of my bathroom.

These lizards are not indigenous to Miami and I had never seen one before. Moreover, it scared the crap out of me. Understand, that I have literally waded and fished in alligator infested waters and, as a kid, have searched for and caught various lizards and snakes.

The only way that this guy could have come out of my bathroom would be via the plumbing, the thought of which still unnerves me. But this species was new to me and I immediately looked for a way to help it out of my house.

As I inched over to grab a broom, I glanced away for a moment and when I looked back, he had disappeared. Add to the picture that Johnnie Walker Black and I had been carousing and drinking all evening.

So, there I sat....scotch in one hand and the broom in the other, with reptile dysfunction and waiting for the lizard to show himself so that I could go to bed and sleep in peace. Fortunately (for both of us), he finally came out and I escorted him to the sliding glass door where he slipped into the darkness.....

The News As I See It: China became the third nation to land on the moon. I'm happy for China. Sending a rover to the moon is really impressive. These days our government can't even get a website to work. Here's what I know about the moon. It's pale and white and on some nights I stare at it for hours at a time. No, wait, I'm thinking of Anderson Cooper.

That fake sign language guy said the problem was he heard voices in his head. One of the voices said, "Maybe you should learn sign language."

The Obamacare website was down over the weekend. Fortunately, most Americans were unaffected because they never knew it was up.

A football player from Troy University in Alabama has been arrested for murder. Sounds like he's ready for the NFL.
 

This Date In History: 1737; Violin maker Antonio Stradivari died in Cremona, Italy. 1787; New Jersey became the third state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1865; Slavery was abolished with the ratification of the 13th Amendment to the Constitution.

1892; Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker Suite" premiered at St. Petersburg's Maryinksy Theatre. 1944; The Supreme Court upheld the wartime internment of Japanese-Americans. 1956; Japan was admitted to the United Nations.

1957; The Shippingport Atomic Power Station in Pennsylvania became the first civilian nuclear facility to generate electricity in the United States. 1969; The British Parliament abolished the death penalty for murder. 2000; George W. Bush received 271 votes in the delayed Electoral College balloting.

Picture Of The Day: The wise old owl is today's picture theme excepting the malicious little lizard with whom I had a run-in.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons. 2) I haven't worn a watch in 20 years. Coincidentally, I haven't poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20 years. 3) My coworker doesn't like me which is weird because his wife does. 4) I'm going to change my Facebook name to "Benefits", so that when you add me it will say, "You are now friends with benefits." 5) As my car spun uncontrollably through a crowd of people, my Korean friend screamed, "Hit the Blakes !" I screamed, "I Can't Be That Selective !".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 18th: The government will not allow you to do what you want. You may hear good news today from an excitable old lady who may turn out to be drunk. Live like you would like and you will part this world a happier person.

Birthdays: My friends Bob and Donna - Happy Birthday 19XX, Paul Klee, artist 1879, Ty Cobb, baseball player 1886, Edwin Armstrong, engineer and radio inventor 1890, Fletcher Henderson, jazz composer and pianist 1897, Benjamin O. Davis, Jr. air force general 1912, Willy Brandt, political leader 1913, Betty Grable, actress 1916, Ossie Davis, actor, director, screenwriter 1917, Ramsey Clark, attorney general 1927, Keith Richards, musician, songwriter 1943, Steven Spielberg, American Film Director 1946, Ray Liotta, actor 1954, Brad Pitt, actor 1963, Arantxa Sanchez Vicario, tennis player 1971, Katie Holmes, actress 1978, Christina Aguilera, singer 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, They pull him out of the car, falls again, they drag him to the front door, he falls down another four times at the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife says, "Thank you so much. Where's his wheelchair?"

A blonde is flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. Frantically, she calls out, "May Day! May Day! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." The voice on the radio says, "Ok, repeat after me: Our Father Who are in Heaven…."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Mike and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

The officer replies, "Ma'am, You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." The woman said, "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly....Twenty-Two miles an hour!"

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

The officer said, "Before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." The woman replied, "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

 A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Washington state There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember,\the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses is that carbon monoxide is a silent killer. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Washington Post Releases 10 "Biggest Pinocchios" of the Year

Fresh off winning fact-checking organization PolitiFact's "Lie Of The Year", Barack Obama won three of the 10 biggest Pinocchios of 2013 as judged by The Washington Post’s Fact Checker, including the assertion that "If you like your health care, you can keep it."

The other misleading statements from Obama were over the Benghazi terrorist attack and the sequester. The Post listed the health care assertion first among all the other statements deemed as false, giving it four Pinocchios, the highest ranking under the system.

"Knockout" thug shot to death by 93-year-old grandmother. St, Louis, Missouri — Gladis Bennett was on her way Saturday morning to visit her grandchildren. It was a special morning as it was her granddaughter’s 14th birthday. She was waiting for the bus that would take her downtown to see her family. That is when everything changed for the worse. She was waiting at the bus stop and suddenly she felt the sharp pain on the side of her body.

The extreme force was so strong it knocked the aging woman down to the ground. When she looked up she saw a group of street thugs just laughing at her. One of them started kicking her over and over again. Before they could hurt her further she reach for her purse, pulled out her gun and shot the main assailant. Thankfully the rest of the cowards ran away after that. She was terrified, she was sure she was going to die.

A homeless man who witnessed the vicious attack told the reporters on scene that Bennett reacted like a modern day super-hero. He said, "I saw her sucker punched from behind really, really hard. She hit the ground and they all started kicking the poor old lady. She got this huge gun out of her purse and Boom! ….Headshot! ….Game over son! You know what I’m saying? Poor n*gga never had a chance.”

Bennett was robbed about a year prior to this incident. That prompted her to make sure she was protected to the fullest extent of the law with a CCW, she is not anti gun. She said if she had not who knows what that group of low life thugs would’ve done to her.

Bennett was taken to the hospital with scrapes and bruises and was released later on that day. As for her 21 year old attacker, he was pronounced dead at the scene from a bullet wound to the head.

Actor Peter O'Toole died peacefully Saturday in the hospital. O'Toole's first major film role in the title role of T.E. Lawrence in "Lawrence of Arabia" in 1962 was "absolute genius," said British film critic Richard Fitzwilliams. It earned him the first of eight Academy Award nominations and propelled him to world stardom. Peter O'Toole was 81 years old. Rest in peace, Mr. O'Toole.

Country singer Ray Price is currently in hospice in Texas suffering from the final stages of pancreatic cancer. There was a premature report by Price's son that he had passed away Sunday which proved to be false. Price recently ended aggressive treatment for his cancer at East Texas Medical Center in Tyler, Texas.

At the time, his wife Janie said the country star was in his "final days" making the following statement upon his leave from the hospital, "Ray is alert and aware of his surroundings and making decisions. With God's blessing he has not had extreme pain. But it's with great sadness that I announce to you today that my beloved husband has entered the final stages of his cancer that he has battled for 25 months."

Price is known for his smooth, wide-ranging baritone voice and songs including "Heartache by the Number," and "For the Good Times." He helped launch the shuffle era of country music with honky-tonk track "Crazy Arms."

Ray Price

 

The News As I See It: The Washington Redskins have benched quarterback Robert Griffin III. He had a great first year in Washington, showed incredible promise and then the whole thing fell apart. To which Obama said, “Tell me about it".

Obama attended Nelson Mandela's memorial service in South Africa. Hundreds of world leaders were there. Obama said it felt strange to listen to these leaders in person rather than eavesdropping on their phone calls.

Political correctness is in full swing this holiday season. Kids can't even call Santa's helpers "elves" anymore. They have to be known as "undocumented little people."

This Date In History: 1653; Oliver Cromwell became lord protector of England, Scotland, and Ireland. 1773; The Boston Tea Party took place. 1916; Grigori Rasputin assassinated by a group of noble Russian conspirators.

1920; One of the deadliest earthquakes in history hit the Gansu province in China. The 8.6 quake killed 200,000 people. 1944; The Battle of the Bulge during World War II began in Belgium.

1990; Jean-Bertrand Aristide was elected president of Haiti in the country's first democratic elections. 2000; Colin Powell was selected to become the first Black secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: Actor Peter O'Toole as T.E. Lawrence in "Lawrence of Arabia".

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The next time you see someone you don't like, begin the conversation with "I see the assassins failed again." 2) (Returning from bar): Hello darkness my old friend, I fell and broke the lamp again. 3) Thank God I still have 15 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013." 4) Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper. 5) You know those movie scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table, throws a woman on top and does her? I did that once with a pizza.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 16th: Actions take a moment, consequences last a lifetime. Your friends won't forgive you if you don't take the opportunity you are presented with.Your lucky horse for today is "Sombrero's Lid." He's a long shot but so is his name. I'd wager $20 across the board.

Birthdays: My sweet friend Ileana - Happy Birthday 19XX, Ludwig van Beethoven, German composer 1770, Jane Austen, novelist 1775, George Santayana, philosopher and poet 1863, Zoltán Kodály, composer 1882, Noel Coward, playwright, composer 1899, Margaret Mead, anthropologist 1901, Arthur C. Clarke, science fiction writer 1917, Philip K. Dick, writer 1928, Benjamin Bratt, actor 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Dorothy and Edna, two older widows, are talking. Dorothy says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna replied, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment dressed in a fine suit and he brings me beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there, but a limousine. He takes me out for a champagne and lobster dinner. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!"

Edna continued, "Then, we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an animal. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy says, "Goodness gracious! So you're telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna answered "No, I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

 With Obama's economy taking us down the tubes, some people can no longer afford doctors. Here's a tip: Just go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray and breast exam and if you mention al-Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause.

When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

She asked, "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" Her father replied, "They're mating," She asked her father, "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" He replied, "That's a Daddy Long legs." The little girl asked, "So, the other one is a Mommy Long legs?" Her father replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Long legs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, that might be okay in California, but we're not having any of that "Brokeback Mountain" crap in Texas"

That's it for today, my little glow worms. Remember, never buy a Christmas tree at the last minute, especially if you've been drinking. It was so crazy the other night, my friend put the tree in the backseat of his car and strapped his mother-in-law to the roof.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Late Friday Edition

The fact-checking organization PolitiFact declared Barack Obama's "If you like your health care plan, you can keep it" as the "Lie of the Year" on Thursday. "It was a catchy political pitch and a chance to calm nerves about his dramatic and complicated plan to bring historic change to America’s health insurance system," the editors of the Tampa Bay Times side project wrote in their announcement, "but the promise was impossible to keep."

The oft-repeated promise came under intense criticism after NBC News reported in late October that at least half of the approximately 14 million Americans with individual insurance were set to have their health plans shut down by insurers under Obamacare.

Obama ultimately gave in to the pressure and changed the law to fulfill the promise in mid-November. Announcing the decision on CNN's "The Lead with Jake Tapper," PolitiFact editor Angie Drobnic Holan said the political significance of the remark, which Obama made on at least 37 different occasions, was a key factor in their decision.

Runners-up for Lie of the Year included statements from Ann Coulter, Representative Michele Bachmann and Senator Ted Cruz. The perennial "The check's in the mail" and "I promise I won't....." received honorable mention

The News As I See It: Everybody reported on the fake sign language interpreter at the Nelson Mandela memorial. Turns out that he was not a fake but a violent schizophrenic who was hallucinating that angels were flying into the stadium. So at least there's a simple explanation for what went wrong. For a minute I thought there might have been some kind of security problem.

The annual list that ranks states based on how healthy they are, the healthiest U.S. state is Hawaii. Mississippi finished 50th out of the 50 states, which isn't surprising. Healthy eating is not big in Mississippi. Their state bird is the fried chicken.

Due to inflation, a cup of coffee in Russia costs $8.30. In other words, they now have Starbucks in Russia.

Obama released a video this week to encourage kids to learn how to write computer code. Then he said, "Preferably, in the next two or three weeks. It would really help me out of this enrollment jam."

This Date In History: 1642; New Zealand was discovered by Dutch navigator Abel Tasman. 1918; President Wilson arrived in France, becoming the first U.S. president to visit Europe while in office. 1978; The U.S. Mint began stamping the Susan B. Anthony dollar, the first U.S. coin honoring a woman.

1981; The Polish government imposed martial law in an attempt to crush the Solidarity movement. 1989; South African President F. W. de Klerk met with Nelson Mandela for the first time. 1996; Kofi Annan of Ghana chosen to become UN secretary-general.

2000; George W. accepted presidency 36 days after election; Al Gore, Jr., conceded. 2003; American forces captured Saddam Hussein who was hiding in a hole near his hometown of Tikrit.

Picture Of The Day: Pinocchio Obama is like the Energizer Bunny. He just keeps lying and lying and lying....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Condoms cannot guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband. 2) A guy broke into my house last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now the sick bastard drives by and changes the channels. 3) One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn't control you. Disadvantage: Sex does. Relevance: Chocolate is easier to get. 4) I learned two important lessons today. I can't remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down. 5) I shouted "Run, Forrest, run", but the trees just stood there, frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all......except for Crazy Larry and Wild Root Cream Oil Charlie......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 13th: Watch out for overweight dogs when it's raining. Oil in your lamp may keep you burning till the break of day or it could spill over and set fire to your new shoes. The odds are on your side today, so don't be afraid to experiment.

Birthdays: My friends Janelle and Jay - Happy Birthday 19XX, Heinrich Heine, poet 1797, Werner von Siemens, electrical engineer and inventor 1816,  Mary Todd Lincoln, wife of Abraham Lincoln 1818, Archie Moore, prizefighter 1913, Ross Macdonald, novelist 1915, Dick Van Dyke, actor 1925, Ted Nugent, rock musician 1948, Steve Buscemi, actor 1957, Jamie Foxx actor, 1967, Amy Lee, singer 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year. The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season.

This decision is not based on religious reasons - they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

 A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." The woman screamed, "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" The drunk muttered, "Funny, you even sound like her."

That's it for today, my little puppy dogs. Remember, from now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as "Fo Reals" and "Not Fo Reals".

Have a terrific weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Obama Flirts As Michelle Stews At Mandela Memorial

Tuesday's memorial for Nelson Mandela produced some interesting side stories, including Obama shaking hands with Raul Castro. The best story was when Obama, et al, took a "selfie" at the service as Michelle Obama stewed. Hey, what says "class" more than taking selfies at a funeral?

Obama was caught committing a funeral faux pas — snapping a selfie during Nelson Mandela’s memorial service with Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt and British PM David Cameron. The threesome smiled as the Scandinavian beauty held her smartphone out to capture the moment but Michelle Obama sat at a distance.


Danish Thorning-Schmidt, who is married to British executive Stephen Kinnock, appeared particularly chummy with Obama but Michelle Obama, 49, seemed annoyed at the mingling, looking solemn as she stared intently in the opposite direction and paid attention to the proceedings.

As Obama laughed away with the blonde Danish leader, at least one photograph shows Michelle flash a disapproving glare in their direction. Thorning-Schmidt, who has two daughters with Kinnock, is the first female prime minister of Denmark. She assumed office in October 2011.



Yep, Obama flirted with the blonde female prime minister of Denmark right in front of Michelle Obama. Man, if Obama felt that the flight to South Africa was long, can you imagine the way home?

Maybe Obama was thinking, "Hell, if Kanye West can score with a white chick...." On the other hand, maybe the blonde Helle had heard the rumor, "Once you go black....(you can't get credit)"

Boy are you in trouble, Barry......!

The News As I See It: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are among Barbara Walters' "10 most fascinating people of 2013." In a related story, Barbara has been named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2013."

The current winter storm has left thousands without electricity. Because of the snowstorm, nobody can get to the unemployment office. It's as if Obama had taken over the power companies.

Most of the country continues to be in a deep freeze. It's so cold that in Texas, people were crossing back into Mexico for the warmth.

Last week, a man was locked in an airplane for several hours after he fell asleep during a flight and nobody woke up him up when it landed. But other than that, Joe Biden had a great trip to Asia.

Did you see the recent showing of "The Sound of Music”? It was the most exciting live TV event since Matt Lauer's on-air prostate examination.

North Korea has confirmed that Kim Jong Un has fired his uncle. Unemployment benefits in North Korea include two weeks' severance and not being shot.

New Jersey legislators want to ban eating while driving. Good luck getting Governor Chris Christie to sign that one.

A man in China  committed suicide at a shopping mall by jumping seven stories to his death after his girlfriend said she wanted to visit just one more shoe store. The guy couldn’t take it — talk about "shop 'til you drop"!

This Date In History: 1816; Indiana became the 19th state. 1844; Nitrous oxide was used for the first time in dentistry. 1936; King Edward VIII abdicated the throne of Britain for the woman he loved, Mrs. Wallis Simpson.

1941; Germany and Italy declared war on the United States. 1946; The United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) was established.

1994; Russian troops invaded Chechnya in an unsuccessful attempt to restore Moscow's power in the region. 1997; Housing secretary Henry Cisneros was indicted for conspiracy, obstructing justice, and false statements to the FBI.

Picture Of The Day: Obama flirts with pretty blonde Denmark prime minister as Michelle develops a case of the "ass".

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some lady in Walgreens was staring at me like she had never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf. 2) My girlfriend would get lost less frequently if her GPS would say, "No, your other left." 3) A six year old boy was recently kicked out of school and suspended for kissing a girl's hand. I glad all these laws are being passed now. When I was six years old, I was not a licensed physician, so I would have been doing hard time by the fourth grade. 4) Whenever a friends says "Join the gym with me", I say, "Come to church with my Mom and me." Shuts ‘em up every time. 5) Anytime I see a motorcyclist recklessly weaving in and out of traffic and performing tricks I always root for the pavement.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 11th: Your brain is overflowing with truly brilliant ideas. Focus on making your dreams a reality. The future holds many wonderful things, however, many of them exclude you in their plans. A romantic hotel break may be just the thing to spark up your love life this weekend. Bring someone with you this time.....

Birthdays: My friend Teddy - Happy Birthday 19XX, Sir David Brewster, physicist and natural philosopher 1781, Louis-Hector Berlioz, composer 1803, Robert Koch, bacteriologist 1843, Annie Jump Cannon, astronomer 1863, Fiorello Henry LaGuardia, mayor of New York City 1882, Naguib Mahfouz, novelist 1911, Carlo Ponti, producer 1912, Willie Mae Thornton, blues singer 1926, John F. Kerry, politician 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer.

So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees." After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief.

The father asks, "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

 A baby was born with the ability to talk. The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?" His mother replied, "Why, yes! I am!" The baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born."

Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?" The doctor answered, "Yes, I am!" The baby says, "Well, I just wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me during the delivery." The doctor says, "You're very welcome."

The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?" Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!" The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down." The father complies. The baby starts poking him in the forehead and says, "How does that feel?!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 20 yard hole-in-one!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

A man's wife wife had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on the toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while his wife was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, her husband got home and realized her predicament.  They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, he took off the toilet seat bolts.

His wife wrapped a sheet around herself and he drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.  the wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

That's it for today, my little chipmunks. Remember, the Obamacare Bronze Plan is the cheapest plan. Bronze was chosen because that's the color your fingers will be after you're forced to do your own prostate exam because of the costs. I'm going to  AREA 51 for Happy Hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !