Technology Of The '50s

We were lucky to even have a phone and television back in the day, which to some degree, wasn't all that bad. After school, chores and homework, we played in the neighborhood, raced bicycles and played sandlot football and baseball.

There wasn't much afternoon TV programming for children, and even if there were, I would have rather been outside playing with friends. Running and playing games virtually assured few overweight, unhealthy kids.

When we were thirsty, we drank from the hose. If we got hungry, there were many types of fruit trees and bushes to choose from.

Obviously, there was no Internet, cell phones were unimaginable and the only education about the birds and the bees was from what our parents told us, which was heavily censored.

Respect for elders was the norm and, if ignored, a trip to the proverbial woodshed would provide the proper attitude adjustment. "Time Out" was a term used in sports.

Dinner was scheduled at the same hour and the menu was whatever my parents prepared. I hated the starving children of China until I understood what the point was. My hatred of liver and asparagus continues until this day.

Yet, the majority of most kids that I have known weathered the storm and have lived a relatively happy life. I guess that, back in the day, my parents probably thought that things were moving too fast, as well. My assumption is that one day, a child of this day and age will recall his life, "back in the day." And, so it goes.....

Grandfather Sullivan, Dad, cousin Buddy, Brother Kirt and sister Jeanne

The News As I See It: It's been reported in the news that Obama asked HBO for copies of the upcoming season of "Game of Thrones." You know things are bad in this country when even the White House can't afford HBO. Then again, Obama's convinced that he's the King. Maybe he's just shopping.

The World Clown Association has announced that the number of clowns worldwide has dropped dramatically. The drop in clowns is mostly due to one fatal car accident.

Justin Bieber, from now on, wants to be known as Bizzle. In fact, earlier this week, he underwent a three-hour operation to have his little Bieber removed.

Monday was President's Day and an opportunity to remember most of our presidents. It was also a great day to get a terrific deal on mattresses.

This Date In History: 1674; The Netherlands and England signed the Peace of Westminster, by which New Amsterdam passed to the English (and was renamed New York). 1807; Aaron Burr, vice president under Thomas Jefferson, was arrested for treason. He was later acquitted.

1878; Thomas Edison patented the gramophone (phonograph). 1942; President Franklin Roosevelt signed an executive order that resulted in the internment of thousands of Japanese-Americans living on the West Coast.

1945; The U.S. Marines went ashore at Iwo Jima. 1959; Britain, Turkey, and Greece signed the agreement granting Cyprus independence. 1968; The first nationwide broadcast of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood aired on PBS.

1997; Deng Xiaoping, Chinese Communist leader, died. 2008; Fidel Castro resigned as President of Cuba after 49 years in power. Raúl Castro, Fidel's brother, succeeded him as president.

Picture Of The Day: Brother Kirt and I, practicing songs for our band.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes, I don't think this relationship is going to work. 2) Hockey is more tolerable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo. 3) A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is relatively clear. 4) When your landlord asks why you didn’t sign your rent check, just wink and say "writer’s block." 5) My girlfriend just slung off her bra off and threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, today is Wednesday.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 19th: Your lucky goat name for today is: Penelope. Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the nature of the sole.......soul.

Birthdays: My sweet little peanut, Kelly, who I have known since she was a child - Happy Birthday Baby ! 19XX, Nicholas Copernicus, Polish astronomer 1473, David Garrick actor and dramatist 1717, Eddie Arcaro jockey 1916, Carson McCullers novelist 1917, Lee Marvin actor 1924, Smokey Robinson singer 1940, Amy Tan novelist 1952.

Dad, Brother Kirt. his son Jonathon and myself

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in."

A little boy was confronted by his irate father who asked, "Johnny, did you push the outhouse over the cliff?" Little Johnny replied, "Yes, father, I cannot tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse over the cliff."

With that, the seething father took off his belt, put little Johnny over his knee and proceeded to give him a good lashing. Little Johnny cried out, "But father, George Washington did not get a lashing when he told the truth about chopping down the cherry tree."

Johnny's father replied, "George Washington's father was not in the cherry tree!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda from Washington State and Mike for their contributions to today's stories.

Murray decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence, she finally says, "Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we are married, I think you should quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs." Murray gets a horrified look on his face.

His wife says, "Darling, what's wrong?" Murray says, ”For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife.” His wife screams, "Ex-wife! I didn't know you were married before !" Murray replied, "I wasn't."

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped motor bike pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, Sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" 

 The old man says, "That's a lot of money! Why does it cost so much?" The doctor states proudly, "Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" The doctor answers, "No problem."

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right, but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear what it could be and suddenly, Whoosh! Something whips by him going much faster!

The doctor asks himself, "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

Whoosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later,he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! 

 The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and ,unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the old man and says, "My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Yeah, unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

That's it for today, my little meadow larks. Remember, the story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is one of the best tales of honesty, integrity and giving a child an ax. I'll be heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

There's No Movies Like The Old Movies

As a kid, I had to sit through such memorable movie flops as "Godzilla" and "Day Of The Triffids" in order to appreciate a good movie. "Gone With The Wind", The Godfather" and many more movies bring back great memories.

That said, there does not seem to be very many good movies this day and age. The advent of great graphics and special effects seem to affect today's movies, while writing and plot seem to suffer.

Obviously, just as I had to sit through "Godzilla", today's youth are being subjected to zombies, vampires, car crashes, explosions and other special effects, ad nauseum while not being exposed to movies of merit.

Some movies come out today and some are so bad that they go straight to video. It looks like the Hollywood types are more interested in slanted politics than concentrating on their trade.

The News As I See It: Scientists are working on a new contraceptive for women that works for 90 days straight. They are referring to this new contraceptive as sweatpants.

NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but we still have to go outside to make a cell phone call.

The Slovenian woman who won the gold medal in alpine skiing is also a pop star in her country. So Justin Bieber is not the only pop star going downhill fast.

This Date In History: 1600; Italian philosopher, alchemist, and Copernican theory advocate Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake for heresy by the Inquisition. 1801; The electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr was broken by the House of Representatives who elected Jefferson president.

1817; Baltimore became the first U.S. city lit by gas. 1864; The Confederate submarine Hunley, equipped with an explosive at the end of a protruding spar, rammed and sank the Union's ship Housatonic off the coast of Charleston, S.C.

1904; Puccini's opera Madama Butterfly premiered in Milan. 1972; President Richard Nixon left on his trip to China. 1996; Chess champion Garry Kasparov beat the IBM computer, Deep Blue, winning the six-game match. 2008; Kosovo declared independence from Serbia.

Picture Of The Day: Although a bit long (4 hours), GWTW was one of my favorite movies of all time. I remember there being an intermission in the middle of the movie, but no one seemed to mind as it was well publicized.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You know she really loves you when you wake up in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed. 2) They should make a reality show called, "So You've Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?" 3) Every year on Valentine's Day, I put a smile on my girlfriend's face by taking down the Christmas tree. 4) Idiots are fun. It's no wonder why every village wants one. 5) I went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass. I think I.m going to change dentists.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 17th: You're doing really well, keep it up! If you feel unhappy today, smile and go to the toilet. This should turn things around for you.

Birthdays: My friends Karen and Todd - Happy Birthday guys! 19XX, Arcangelo Corelli, composer and violinist 1653, Samuel Sidney McClure, editor and publisher 1857, Thomas John Watson, Sr. industrialist and philanthropist 1874, Jim Brown, Pro football player 1936, Michael Jordan, Pro Basketball Player 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor. She only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

My girlfriend has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.  

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friends Mike, Vivian and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull alongside of them. One of the drunks shouts, "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!"

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin' wankers before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Immaculata then looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was I cross enough?"

A man picked up his lovely date at her parent's home. He had  saved enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered shrimp cocktail, foie gras, lobster and Dom Perignon champagne, the most expensive items on the menu.

He asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" She replied, "No,but my mother's not expecting sex tonight." He asked, "What would you like for dessert?"

That's it for today, my little bran muffins. Remember, you know that the temperature has hit zero degrees when all the Canadians are wearing shorts, playing frisbee and barbecuing outside.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Be My Valentine

Happy St. Valentines Day! The Teddy Bear and Hoodie Pajamas I bought for my girlfriend arrived and as soon as she's out of ammunition, I have dinner reservations at McDonalds. I'm kidding, of course, the reservations are for Burger King.

On a recent Conan show, the Valentine headline parroted by most every television station in America is, "Those people who have someone special and a mobile device (or teleprompter) may look to that device to help them say 'I Love You'." (Be prepared Michelle).

Other than people who use sign language, anyone who does this probably has an I.Q. of forty and can look forward to a future divorce, the wording for same, of course, coming from a mobile device.

For the rest of us, "I Love You" comes from the heart without the aid of a mobile device or a teleprompter.

The News As I See It: Bob Costas had to take a break from hosting the Olympics coverage due to an eye infection. In fact, his eyes are so bloodshot, he's been made an honorary member of the U.S. snowboarding team.

In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it's still better than a hotel in Sochi.

In California, an openly gay candidate is running for office as something called "a new generation Republican" or as they're known in the rest of the country, a Democrat.

The family of openly gay NFL prospect Michael Sam say they found out he was gay from watching ESPN. Meanwhile, Michael Sam found out he was gay from watching Bravo.

A Los Angeles newscaster had to apologize to Samuel L. Jackson for mistaking him for Laurence Fishburne. Yeah, he said "I'm sorry, but everybody makes mistakes, even our great president, Morgan Freeman."

To stop the spread of disease, the city of Vancouver has allowed crack pipes to be sold in vending machines. The plan is being called dangerous by the mayor of New York City and genius by the mayor of Toronto.

This Date In History: 1859; Oregon became the 33rd state in the United States. 1912; Arizona became the 48th state in the United States. 1920; The League of Women Voters was founded.

1929; Members of Al Capone's gang killed rival gang members in the St. Valentine's Day massacre. 1989; Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa, calling for the death of Salman Rushdie, author of The Satanic Verses.

2001; The Kansas Board of Education reversed its 1999 ruling and restored evolution to the state's science curriculum. 2003; Dolly the sheep, the first cloned mammal, was euthanized because of incurable lung cancer.

Picture Of The Day: Sometimes true love comes in small packages.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People who go to the store and buy a single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy. 2) I'm going tell my kids to lay off the liquor because I love them and I don't want them to mess up their kidneys before I need one. 3) One thing I learned while I was out drinking last night was here is no such thing as a goalie in darts. 4) Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while there are people still inside. 5) Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Pakistan's Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohamed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action is taken against Syria, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's only supply of convenience store managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Visa, cable and telephone customer service representatives. It's getting ugly.....

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 14th: Love has not affected you in the way you need it to. You do have romance in your heart but it needs to be released. Relax all your muscles, excluding any sphincters and then tense them all again. Love may be just around the corner. 

Birthdays: George Jean Nathan, editor and drama critic 1882, Katherine Stinson, pioneering pilot 1891, Jack Benny, comedian 1894, Florence Henderson, actress 1934, Donna Shalala, educator, public official 1941, Michael Bloomberg, former mayor of New York City and businessman 1942, Gregory Hines, dancer, actor 1946, Jim Kelly, Pro football quarterback 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Some Louisiana boys living across the river from each other, feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.

This went on for years until one day the Army Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated. He told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes.

His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "Clearance - 8 ft 3 in."

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

The guy's curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The bald man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, "Guess who?'" The guy says, "But why?'' The man replies, "I'm a divorce lawyer."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

The guy said, "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure......cross my heart"

Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed." (Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer).

A man went to the hospital after an accident. After coming out of the operation, the doctor told him his penis had to be amputated to save his life. The man was aghast and despondent, telling the doctor thee was no reason to continue living.

The doctor told the man the was a new procedure involving implanting a baby elephant's trunk to the man's pelvic area and worked for almost all his patients.

After a successful transplant operation, the man's new penis worked perfectly. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly the penis came back again, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw. Can you do that again?" With an uncomfortable look, the man replied, "I'll try, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass!"

That's it for today, my little love bugs. Remember, sometimes auto-correct can be your worst enema. I'm heading over to AREA 51 and see if there are any more Valentine angels still available.

Have a great weekend and mMore on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Pass On The Giant Teddy Bear Or Pajamas For Valentine's Day

Don't buy an overweight teddy bear or pajamas with a hoodie for Valentine's Day unless you want to sleep alone with a teddy bear or your spouse is prone to wake up at night and rob a convenience store.

By the same token, it's not necessary to spend more than you can afford either. While flowers, chocolate or even jewelry are nice, there's other bills to pay. Remember, flowers eventually wilt and die and chocolates get eaten.

Do yourself a favor and buy something you can afford, and more importantly, from the heart. If there is one day that the old phrase "it's the thought that counts", this it it. Happy Valentines Day!

The News As I See It: A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough. Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

There are 12 new events in this year's Winter Olympics. The new events include women's ski jumping, luge-team relay and finding a working toilet.

The "Lego Movie" is Number 1 at the box office. I saw it. I'm a little disappointed. I liked the first half, but it sort of came apart at the end.

I found it rather easy to steer myself away from the Winter Olympics. I mean, how many different ways can white people injure themselves on ice?

A top NFL prospect has announced that he is gay. Then someone explained to him that having a crush on Tom Brady doesn't make you gay.

This Date In History: 1554; Lady Jane Grey, queen of England for nine days (in 1553), was executed for high treason, 1733; Led by philanthropist James Edward Oglethorpe, the first English colonists arrived in Georgia, at the site of Savannah. 1818; Chile formally proclaimed its independence from Spain.

1870; The Utah Territory granted women the right to vote (revoked in 1887). 1909; The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) was founded.

1912; Pu Yi, the last emperor of the Manchu (Ch'ing) dynasty in China, renounced his throne following the establishment of a republic under Sun Yat-sen. 1973; The first release of American prisoners of war from the Vietnam war took place.

1999; The Senate voted to acquit President Clinton on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice. 2002; Yugoslavian ex-president Slobodan Milosevic went on trial for war crimes.

2010; The 2010 Winter Olympics opened in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. The games got off to a tragic start when a luger from the Republic of Georgia, Nodar Kumaritashvili, dies tragically in a crash during training run.

Picture Of The Day: Mmmm Good !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you're buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it's probably because he bought is his condoms there too. 2) A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute. 3) I wonder how strict is the "I licked it, it's mine" policy? There's some things I've licked that I really don't want. 4) Sometimes people say to me, "You look so familiar." Depending on my mood, sometimes I respond with, "Were we in prison together?" 5) Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 12th: The future is what you make of it and if it's anything like what you made of your life so far, I'd consider buying materials for the nuclear winter. Your spine is going to feel a tingling sensation later and with any luck, the sensation will spread.

Birthdays: Cotton Mather, clergyman and writer 1663, Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States 1809, Charles Darwin, naturalist 1809, John L. Lewis, labor leader 1880, Anna Pavlova, ballerina 1881, Omar Bradley, general 1893, Costa-Gavras, director 1933, Bill Russell, basketball player 1934, Judy Blume, writer 1938, Christina Ricci, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: During a recent password audit by a company, it was determined that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said, "Hello! It has to have at least eight characters and include at least one capital."

A woman was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor’s office to tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. She had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, she liked to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink and gave herself a quick wash in that area to make sure she was at least presentable.

She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment. She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in. Knowing the procedure, she hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

She was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” She didn’t respond. After the appointment, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal....some shopping, cleaning and cooking.

After school, her 6 year old daughter was playing and she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where’s my washcloth?" Her mother told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink and it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Needless to say, she's never going back to that gynecologist again......ever!

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Old Ben was working at the lumber yard one day, pushing a tree through the saw, when he accidentally cut off all of his fingers. He quickly ran down the street to the emergency room. The doctor quickly examined his hands and asked for the fingers.

Ben gasped through the pain, "I don't have the fingers." The doctor said, "What do you mean you don't have the fingers? We aren't living in the Dark Ages here! I can reattach those fingers and you'd be as good as new! Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Ben yelled sarcastically, "I couldn't pick the damned things up!"

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated." The teacher said, 'Well,that was good as well. Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

That's it for today, my little Brussel sprouts. Remember, being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Sochi Olympics Advice: "Don't Try To 'fish' Things Out Of The Toilet"

The way journalists are complaining it's like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and take a crap. Hey, it's the winter Olympics In Russia, teeming with terrorist threats. Find someone's purse and take a crap in it.

Meanwhile, while watching the thus-far mediocre games, NBC has their proverbial noses up the host's ass as they laud the virtues and history of Russia.

It didn’t take long for NBC to offer up all of its credibility in payment to Vladimir Putin in exchange for the television rights to the Sochi Olympics, did it? In its intro to the opening ceremonies — in which Putin’s Russia trotted out a gigantic hammer and sickle to celebrate its nation — NBC called perhaps the bloodiest and most oppressive tyrannies in human history "one of modern history’s pivotal experiments"

Huh? Are we reading the same newspapers and history books? While NBC kisses Russian asses and clumsily attempts to make the games better than they are no one is reporting on the hundreds of stray dogs killed by Russian police and the persecution of gays.

Hey, it could be worse. We could be watching the Siberian Olympics....

The News As I See It: There's a new survey that found that 50 percent of doctors admit to going on Wikipedia to look up medical information. While the rest behave like professionals and use WebMD.

New York City has this program, stop and frisk. If the cops see anything that they don't care for, they'll frisk you. Now, during Fashion Week, they changed that program to "stop and embroider."

I didn't learn to ski until I was 35. I fell down a lot. But, by that age, I was used to falling on my face in front of people. Of course, that was in bars, but close enough. Skiing made me feel like a rugged adventurer. The wind on my cheeks, the ice-crusted goggles, those little mini marshmallows in my cocoa.

This Date In History: 1763; Treaty of Paris signed, ending the French and Indian War. France ceded Canada and all its North American territories east of the Mississippi to Great Britain. 1837; Russian poet and novelist Alexander Pushkin was killed in a duel. 1840; Queen Victoria married Prince Albert.

1942; Glenn Miller received the first ever gold record for selling a million copies of "Chattanooga Choo Choo." 1962; The Soviet Union exchanged captured American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers for Rudolph Abel, a Soviet spy held by the United States.

1967; The 25th Amendment was ratified, establishing presidential succession. 1996; IBM's computer, Deep Blue, beat the world chess champion, Garry Kasparov, in the first game of their match. 2005; Pulitzer Prize winning playwright Arthur Miller died.

Picture Of The Day: Russian speed skater Olga Graf nearly suffered a wardrobe malfunction after winning the bronze medal in the 3000 meters in Sochi Sunday. Fortunately, she realized her faux pas and recovered. Unfortunately, even it if it would have remained open, there wasn't much to see. It's the thought that counts, Olga! 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience. 2) "You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like shit." 3) The Lego Movie should have been about parents walking in the dark and screaming obscenities after stepping on Legos. 4) I put another shrimp on the barbie and now, some little guy named Ken is all pissed off. 5) Damn! I didn't make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 10th: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you're gonna need some beholdin' today. Inner beauty is what counts and someone will look beyond your face and feel their heart beating for the first time in years.

Birthdays: Harrison Gray Otis, soldier and journalist 1837, Jimmy Durante, comedian, actor 1893, John F. Enders, bacteriologist 1897, Bertolt Brecht, dramatist 1898, Leontyne Price, opera singer 1927, Robert Wagner, actor 1930, Roberta Flack, singer, songwriter 1939, Peter Allen, singer, songwriter 1944, Mark Spitz, Olympic swimmer 1950, Laura Dern, actress 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" The man answered, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan said, "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" The old man said, "Don't doubt it for a minute"

Satan persisted, "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" The old man calmly replied, "Yep." Satan went on, "And you're still not afraid?" The old man said, "Nope."

 More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood. The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you." After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?" The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!" Other bat says, "I didn't."

Perhaps Starbucks should have taken their thought process a little farther before painting their trucks.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV, and my laptop'."

The man continued, "Then she said, 'Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will’."

His buddy said, "Holy Smoke, she actually said that?" The man replied, "Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammad. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign'."

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" He replied, "Definitely not!" His wife asked, "Why not? Don't you like being married?" He answered, "Of course I do."

The wife said, "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" The husband said, "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." With a hurt look, she said, "You would?" His wife inquired, "Would you live in our house?" He answered, "Sure, it's a great house." She asked, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" The husband replied, "Where else would we sleep?" She continued, "Would you let her drive my car?" He said, "Probably, it is almost new."

The wife asked, "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" He said, "That would seem like the proper thing to do." She asked, "Would you give her my jewelry?" He answered, "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." His wife asked, "Would she use my golf clubs?" Her husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."

That's it for today, my little buttercups. Remember, if Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be....Oh God, I can't even finish this one.

More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !