Did You Ever Play Root-A-Peg (Mumbly Peg) As A Kid?

Electronic games keep today's youth occupied, but they're missing out on great outdoor games of yesterday. Yeah, we raced bikes and played sandlot football and baseball games, but there were some really fun games that we also played.

There was a "season" for everything and I'm unsure who prescribed such seasons, but every kid seem to know when they were "in". We had seasons for marbles, yoyos and tops and there were always neighborhood tournaments or challenges for every game.

Every self-respecting kid had a pen knife or "pocket knife". Nothing fancy, just a two bladed knife, one long blade and one shorter blade. We used to play a game we called Root-A-Peg (also called  Mumbly Peg, Mumblety Peg).

In this game, the first player takes the knife and goes through a series of tricks without a blunder. The second follows in turn, doing the same. The last one to perform all of the difficult feats loses and must pull a peg, two inches long, from the ground with his teeth.

The winner drives the peg into the dirt using the knife-handle for a hammer, being allowed three blows. This usually drives the peg out of sight into the dirt, and as the defeated player, using only his teeth, literally roots, until, with a dirty face and a broad grin, he lifts his head, showing the peg between his teeth.

There were some parents, while not disapproving of pocket knives, who weren't overly enthused to learn we were playing knife games. This, of course, only added more of a thrill of being caught and most of the games were held in clandestine "secret" spots.

I assume that if electronic games would have existed back in the day, we would have succumbed to their allure, but I wouldn't trade my childhood memories for anything. I mean, what is today's youth going to look back on, high score on Super Mario Brothers.....?
  

The News As I See It: Missouri Governor Jay Nixon apparently sent the National Guard to Ferguson without letting the White House know first. When he heard he was left out of such an important decision, Obama said, “Holy crap, I’ve been Bidened!”

Anthony Weiner is opening a restaurant. Honestly, how many of you would go to eat at Anthony Weiner's restaurant?

Obama had to cut his vacation short two days to go back to Washington. Yep, Joe Biden locked himself out of the White House again.

Texas Governor Rick Perry has been indicted after he threatened to veto funding for a district attorney’s office unless she stepped down. He’s now the most controversial governor in the country.....which is why Chris Christie sent him a gift basket.

Analysts say that Obama has been ignoring Hillary Clinton's advice for years — which is why we've yet to see him in a pantsuit.

David Gregory was kicked off NBC's "Meet The Press" and is being replaced by a guy named Chuck Todd. Evidently the requirements to host the show is no talent and two first names. I say kicked off, but he was kicked off with four million dollars for leaving early.

My favorite pocket knife was made by Case. Of course, 12-15 year old boys are prone to lose just about anything unless it's attached to them, so I had many knives.

This Date In History: 1964; As part of his Great Society policies, Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Economic Opportunity Act which, among other things, established the Head Start program. 1968; The Soviet Union and other Warsaw Pact nations invaded Czechoslovakia.

1977; The space probe Voyager 2 was launched. It continues to explore to this day, and is now more than 7 billion miles from Earth. 1980; Italian Reinhold Messner made the first successful solo ascent of Mount Everest and without oxygen.

1998; U.S. cruise missiles hit suspected terrorist bases in Afghanistan and the Sudan. 2000; Tiger Woods won the PGA Championship becoming the first player since Ben Hogan in 1953 to win three majors in one year.

Picture Of The Day: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day. 2) He died doing what he loved - smelling things underwater. 3) Viagra has been on the market now for more than 15 years. I find it hard to believe it's been so long. 4) I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... 5) When you are dating, farting is never an issue. When you are married, you make sure there’s nothing flammable near your wife.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 20th: The night may feel like a safe time to parade naked through the local city streets, however, you may find there are some that oppose your freedom. Whenever you feel unhappy today, go to the toilet. This action should soon turns things around for you.

Be happy for the good things that happen to you as it could be worse. Remember that time you woke up with your face in a plate of nachos and an Amish horse and buggy parked in front of your house?

Birthdays: My friend Yolanda - Happy Birthday beautiful 19XX, Oliver Hazard Perry, American naval officer 1785, Benjamin Harrison, 23rd President of the United States 1833, Eero Saarinen, architect 1910, George J. Mitchell, public official 1933, Connie Chung, TV news reporter 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "My mother-in-law got a pretty good look at you."

A doctor was examining a woman who had just been rushed to the Emergency Room at a local hospital. During the exam, he took the husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." Her husband replied, "Me neither Doc, but she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women from England, Wales and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No." So, she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No." So she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "Have ya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No," She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

A woman was at the doctor's office with her husband. She took the doctor aside and said, "I don't want to say anything in front of my husband, but, lately, he's been buying Purina Dog Chow at the grocery store and eating it as a snack."

The doctor said, "That's unusual. Is he doing anything else that seems strange?" The woman says, "Yes, when I'm driving, he likes to stick his head out of the window for the fresh air." The doctor says, "This sounds like he may have Canus Complexus. In layman's terms, he may think that he's a dog."

The woman lamented, "That sounds serious, doctor. Is there anything you can do for him?" The doctor replied, "Yes, it could kill him. But there's a new drug that I can give him that should help. You mix it in with his food along with some wet dog food. After a while the drug and dog food mixture will begin to make him sick when he eats the dog chow and it should return him to normal."

Six months passed and the doctor happened to see the woman at the shopping mall dressed in black. The doctor greeted the woman and asked, "How is your husband?" The woman sadly told the doctor, "He passed away two weeks ago." The doctor was deeply moved and said, "My sincere condolences. I really thought that the dog food and drug mixture would have cured him, not killed him"

Then woman said, "Oh, no doctor. The dog food and drugs mixture didn't bother him at all." The doctor asked, "Then, how did he die?" The woman replied, "He was sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls and a dump truck ran over him."

That's it for today, my little puddy tats. Remember, the only ideal marriage was Adam and Eve. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked,

The sun is shinning brightly, inviting me to AREA 51 for happy hour. Your Solar interpretation may vary.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

I'm Not Sure Noah Did It This Way

I took a break from building my ark today as, for some reason, the sun decided to shine. I fed the ark animals, whose only purpose is to crap all over the boat, and darted over to Publix to buy a few groceries, animal food and a ton of kitty litter.

From Publix, I went go over to the airport to get some bamboo shoots and eucalyptus leaves for the picky pandas and koala bears. I'm weeding out a few species, namely rats, cockroaches and mosquitos and Adam and Steve are on shaky ground.

I was going to buy supplies at Walmart, but there are some species there that are unidentifiable, so I skipped that amusement park.

By the time I got home, the rabbits had already multiplied and I didn't have the heart to toss them off the boat. The female cat and dog are both pregnant, so there's more heads to feed and take care of. I'm not taking in any birds or fish, They'll be able to take care of themselves.

Meanwhile, the neigbors are complaining about the animals and the city wants to see a copy of my plans and permits. The EPA has left three messages and Obama and the democrats want to know if I'm taking anyone from Chicago. Three Mexicans keep walking around the property with leaf blowers........!

Aw screw it! When the floods come, I'll take my cat and a case of Corona, put 'em on my bass boat, grab my rod and reel and let the buffalo chips fall where they may.....!

Today's Lesson: The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, has announced it is distributing the greatest number of free meals and food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."

Their reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves. This ends today's lesson.

The News As I See It: Obama is apparently back on speaking terms with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan. I guess their disagreements over Israel have made their relationship somewhat complicated. But not as complicated as pronouncing the name, "Recep Tayyip Erdogan."

A new poll found that Rob Ford has fallen into second place in the race for Toronto mayor. That’s bad news for Ford, and even worse news for my jokes source.

This Date In History: 1227; Mongol conqueror Genghis Khan died in China. 1587; Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents born in North America. 1894; Congress established the Bureau of Immigration, forerunner of the Immigration and Naturalization Service.

1920; When Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, the three-quarters of the states necessary was achieved and American women got the right to vote.

1936; Spanish poet and playwright Federico Garcia Lorca was shot and killed by Franco's soldiers during the Spanish Civil War. 1958; Vladimir Nabokov's novel Lolita was published. 1963; James Meredith became the first African American to graduate from the University of Mississippi.

Picture Of The Day: Then again, when the sun does decide to come out in South Florida, thoughts of ark building are not a priority.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The reason that it is so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking is because those men already have boyfriends. 2) People sweat so that they don't catch fire while they're making love.

3) Last year, I had some problems with a department store, so I called the corporate offices. An operator answered and I explained my problem. She answered curtly, "Sir, you can dial directly. Now, just how can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. When I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"

4) I was getting on a plane to New York and I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York and send the other one to Los Angeles." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" 5) My doctor told me that the way to improve my sex life was exercise. He said to run two miles a day. Two weeks later I called the doctor. He asked, "How is your sex life since you have been running?" I said, "I don't know, I'm 28 miles away!".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 18th: Your natural instinct will be to find love in places where people are either inebriated or are known to be easy. However, many people find that a library is also a good place to pick up attractive people. Age of consent is something to bear in mind. 

Birthdays: Virginia Dare, first white child of English parents to be born in America 1857, Meriwether Lewis, explorer 1774, Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit, diplomat 1900, Shelley Winters, actress 1920, Rosalynn Smith Carter, first lady 1927, Roman Polanski, film director 1933, Roberto Clemente, baseball player 1934, Robert Redford, actor and director 1937, Patrick Swayze, actor 1952, Christian Slater, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Obama took a jog near the White House and on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. One day, as he approached the corner, the hooker shouted from the curb, "Hey Barack, a hundred dollars!" Barack fired back, "No, ten dollars!"

This ritual between the prez and the hooker continued for several days. He'd run by, she'd holler, "One hundred dollars" and he'd yell back, "No, ten dollars!"

One day, Michelle decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Barack suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $100 offer for all to hear (including Michelle) and he would have to come up with a darn good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Barack became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough, there she was - standing where she always did.

Barack tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging executive. Then, from the sidewalk, she yelled, "Hey Barack, see what you get for ten bucks?"

Sam and Rachel are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to her, "Rachel, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me?" Rachel replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

Sam says, "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." Rachel replies, "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." Sam says, "Three times? Well, when were they?"

Rachel says, "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" Sam said, "Oh, Rachel, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

Rachel said, "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?" Sam said, "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved.

So, all right then, when was number 3?" Rachel replied, "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short.....?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel....."

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. The little boy asked, "Mommy, what are all those ladies doing?" His mother replied, "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work."

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?"

His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" His mother answered, "They become cab drivers."

That's it for today, my little puppies. Remember, although you may think that Deja Vu is when you're doing something you've done before, it's really that God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Television Commercials Are Worse Than The Plague

Television commercials drive me crazy. I'm inundated with ambulance chasers trying to get people to sue for Mesothelioma or vaginal mesh and bladder sling complications. Then, there's the retractable pocket hose, which has three or four brands, all claiming to be the best.

Who can forget the "Help, I've fallen and can't get up commercials? Over the years, I've found that this cry doesn't have much impact in a bar. Of course, we have Marie Osmond's daily Nutrisystem weight loss commercials. I always get a kick when she asks, "So, why do I keep telling you about Nutrisystem?" Uh....because they pay you?

People are hopped up on Redbull and Five hour energy concoctions and with the legalization of marijuana in some states, the commercials will be a hoot if the actors use the substances while filming.

Then there's the pharmaceutical companies trying to hawk their new drugs whose side effects far outweigh the benefit of the drug. I hear, "Arthritis pain? Try "Screwem" to alleviate the pain. Side effects include stomach pain, diarrhea, blindness, homosexuality and death."

One particular commercial that I despise is that limp dickhead Jimmy Johnson's Extenze commercials. Personally, I think he's a great choice as the product spokesman. All he needs is a couple of balls under his chin.

I would be remiss to not to point out that all television ads have the obligatory Black person in every commercial and that quota seems to be expanding to include the occasional Asian or Indian. Oddly enough, I have yet to go to a restaurant or nightclub and seen that particular mix.

State Farm and All State insurance have their Obama authority figures as spokesmen. This, I would imagine, is from the Madison avenue advertising companies. If Hillary Clinton becomes president, I wonder if State Farm and All State will change their authority figures to a frumpy old fat lady wearing a pants suit?

What ever happened to the Snickers, Jello, Haagen Dazs and other commercials? And what happened to the funny commercials? I can't wait until the midterm elections start their advertising campaigns. They might not be funny, but I love seeing which liar can throw the most mud.....

The News As I See It: The Kardashians are outraged that they've been robbed three times this year but the police haven't caught the culprits. Los Angeles police said if only there was a video record of what goes on in the Kardashian bedroom.

Fox News medical expert Dr. Keith Ablow told viewers that Michelle Obama needs to drop a few pounds. A few? Have you seen her fat ass? In case you missed him, he'll probably be at another fund raiser this week extolling the "accomplishments" he and his administration has achieved. Pinocchio is alive and well, working part time at the White House.

A 14-year-old Texas boy lived in a Wal-Mart for four days before he was discovered. Employees got suspicious when they noticed something in a Wal-Mart that was made in America.

Steubenville High School in Ohio has allowed a newly released sex offender to rejoin its football team just months after being released from jail. High school? It sounds like he's ready for the NFL.

An Oregon man called Portland police Monday to report that traffic was being held up by a chicken attempting to cross a road. Then on Tuesday, he called back to report a priest and a rabbi walking into a bar.

This Date In History: 1057; Macbeth, king of Scotland, was killed by Malcolm Canmore. 1911; Proctor and Gamble Company introduced Crisco vegetable shortening. 1935; Aviator Wiley Post and actor Will Rogers were killed in a plane crash. 1939; The Wizard of Oz premiered in Hollywood.

1947; The Indian Independence Bill created the two independent states of India and Pakistan. 1948; South Korea became the Republic of Korea. 1969; Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened at Max Yasgur's dairy farm in Bethel, New York.

1998; A car bomb in Omagh, Northern Ireland, killed 29 people. It was the deadliest act of violence in more than 30 years of "Troubles." 2001; Astronomers announced the discovery of the first solar system outside our own.

Picture Of The Day: This picture obviously is not from a bad commercial. On the contrary, its Superstition Mountains - Apache Junction, Arizona. I've been trying to get this one, and the pastoral picture farther down, in for a week. So I just gave up and put them in. No rhyme or reason, I just like the pictures.
 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got a postcard from a blonde girlfriend of mine. It said, "Having a good time. Where am I?" 2) Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just two minutes? 3) Last week, I was in front of a judge and he said "You've been brought here for drinking." I said, "Okay, let's get started." 4) Impotence is Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." 5) If I take the Ginko, I might be able to remember where I put the Viagra......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 15th: The light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds with a special someone. The light is a bit bright though, so you might want to turn away. Don't turn away for too long though. I'm pretty sure it's a light. I've discussed it with a few other astrologers and it's either a light or a train. A whistle may be a tell-tale sign.

Birthdays: Napoleon I, French emperor 1769, Walter Scott, writer 1771, Ethel Barrymore, actress 1879, Edna Ferber, author 1887, T. E. Lawrence, adventurer 1888, Julia Child, chef 1912.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There was a loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his daughter's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time.....just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she'd take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her mother who was still in bed. Her mother asked, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" The little girl replies "Oh, yes, Mother, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went.....!"

Jose and Carlos panhandle in different areas of Los Angeles. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home about $100 a day, drives a Mercedes and lives in a big house.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but you bring home $100 a day. How's that?" Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get 2 to 3 dollars a day." Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gas station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a gas station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

The attendant asks, "What can I do for ya'll?" The man replied, "Fill 'er up with high test." While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. He asks the driver, "What kinda car is this?" The man answers, "This is a 2014 Cadillac CTS Sports Sedan."

The attendant asks, "What all's it got in it?" The man says "It has everything. It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instrument package and a 32 valve, fuel injected 4.6 liter Northstar V8 engine." The attendant says, "Wow, that's really something!"

The driver asks, "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" The attendant says, "That'll be $70.17" The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off three $20's and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

The attendant asks, "What are those little wooden things?" The driver says, "That's what I put my balls on when I drive." The attendant says, "Wow, those Cadillac people think of everything!"

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" The husband, "She's my mistress." The wife says, "Well, that's the last straw! I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

Her husband says, "I understand, but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. His wife asks, "Who's that woman with Jim?" Her husband replies, "That's his mistress." His wife says, "Ours is prettier.....!"

That's it for today, my little sausage links. Remember, at every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. See 'ya there!

Have a terrific weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Lauren Bacall Passes Away At The Age Of 89

Lauren Bacall, the husky-voiced Hollywood icon known for her sultry sensuality, died Tuesday at the age of 89. Her international fame began before the backdrop of World War II in 1944, with her first film, "To Have and Have Not," which she made with future husband Humphrey Bogart.

They married in 1945, had two children and went on to make more films together, including "The Big Sleep" (1946), "Dark Passage" (1947) and "Key Largo" (1948). Bogart died in 1957.

Bacall said of her late husband, "He was an extraordinary, extraordinary man. I mean, I've been extremely lucky. God, I have no complaints at all."

Bacall won two Tony Awards and an honorary Oscar. She was also nominated for three Emmy Awards. Bacall's confident, smoldering expression, the down-turned face and up-turned eyes, earned her the nickname, "The Look".

Lauren Bacall was a fine actress and she will be missed. Rest in peace, Ms. Bacall.....

A Black teenager was shot by a police officer in a St. Louis, Missouri suburb and the circumstances surrounding his death are suspect. Many say the shooting was unjustified. This incident, however, in not a license for Blacks to take advantage of the teenager's death, using it as an excuse to steal and loot.

Deanel Trout, a 14-year resident of Ferguson, said he was convinced that the troublemakers were largely from outside the town of Ferguson and that they had used Brown's death and the vigil as an opportunity to steal.

Trout, 53, said, "Most came here for a peaceful protest but it takes one bad apple to spoil the bunch. I can understand the anger and unrest but I can't understand the violence and looting."

People were seen carrying bags of food and toilet paper. TV footage showed streams of people walking out of a liquor store carrying bottles of alcohol. Actions like this only hurt the Black community and the image of Blacks in general.

The News As I See It: Obama went to the beach yesterday while he’s vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard. It was a little weird when he took out his metal detector to search for $16 trillion in quarters. Obozo also suggested at a fundraiser this week that one or more Supreme Court justices may retire soon. When Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg heard about Obie's remarks, she said, "You can have this gavel when you pry it out of my cold, dead fingers."

Colorado has made nearly $30 million in taxes since January from marijuana sales. That's in addition to the $40 million they made taxing Doritos.

Customers at a Georgia Subway restaurant located inside a Walmart started throwing things at the workers because the store's lettuce looked brown. Because there is no customer with more discriminating taste than one who eats at a Georgia subway in a Walmart.

According to a new study, men over 5'10" are twice as likely to cheat on their partners. And men under 5'10" are twice as likely to cheat on forms where you have to enter your height.

Bruce Jenner was pulled over this week for speeding in L.A. The cops gave Jenner a ticket because his current face doesn't match his driver's license.

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner is planning to open a new farm-to-table restaurant in Queens. My advice is whatever you do, don't ask to see the special. It will be the first restaurant with a sign on the door that reads: "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Pants, No Underwear, Ok."

Hillary Clinton has been calling Obama's foreign policy a failure. I figure she's either setting the table to be the next president or a Fox News anchor.

Health officials in Colorado are warning residents to stay away from sick or dead rabbits due to a risk of rabbit fever. That's a tough call because most people's first instincts when they see a dead rabbit is to get as close as possible.
 

This Date In History: 1521; After a three-month siege, the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlán fell to the Spanish conquistadors, marking the end of one empire and the rise of another. 1906; An all-black army unit was accused of a shooting rampage that left 1 civilian dead at Fort Brown in Brownsville, Texas. In 1972 they were all exonerated.

1942; Disney's Bambi opened at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. 1961; The border between East and West Berlin was closed and marked with a barbed wire fence. 1995; Baseball great Mickey Mantle died of cancer. 2008; U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps won his 11th career gold medal, becoming the first athlete in Olympic history to do so.

Picture Of The Day: Lauren Bacall, husband Humphrey Bogart and Marilyn Monroe (1953).

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly. 2) Someone once told me "If you love something, set it free". I told them not to pay attention to those noises coming from the basement. 3) How dare you call me naive! I'd sue you for slander if I hadn't sent so much money to that Nigerian princess. 4) The Teen Choice Awards is a great reminder of why kids aren't allowed to vote. 5) Ten dollars says some idiot is going hear the word "Ebola" and think "that'd be a great name for my new baby!" Welcome to the world, Ebola Lee Johnson.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope:  Leo - August 13th: (Your horoscope for today has been checked for problems, but we found none. Our engineers are working on it.) The latin phrase for what you're feeling right now is: "Non semper inquisit damascus aroooooof". Ok, there's a little bit of dog language mixed in, as well. Nice and butch is how you like it, but you might want to play it down in certain circumstances, especially around women who slow dance together.

Birthdays: Anders Jöns Ångström, physicist 1814, Lucy Stone, reformer 1818, Annie Oakley, sharpshooter 1860, Alfred Hitchcock, filmmaker 1899, Ben Hogan, professional golfer 1912, Fidel Castro, Cuban revolutionary, premier of Cuba (1959–76) 1926, Don Ho, entertainer 1930, Midori Ito, figure skater 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man goes into Border's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man says, "Yeah that's the one, I'll take a copy please."

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

They meet, date fro three months and get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

She asks, "What happened?" He says, "I've never been with a woman before, but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" With a seductive smile, the woman purred, "Yes."

Her husband says, "Thank God, for a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

A little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

On Saturday night, a man gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital ICU, tubes up his nose and down his throat, wires monitoring every function, a hell of a pain over his left ear and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident. She looked at him deep and steady and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." He managed to mumble, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

That's it for today, my little tootsie rolls. Remember, always sing like no one is listening and dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart. Chance are pretty good that you'll find me in AREA 51 around happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !