Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain

Dorothy, Toto, Samantha and I watched Obama, the great Wizard, perform his smoke and mirror act. His speech was political fantasy. It reminded me of the good old days when Nancy Pelosi would stand and applaud even when Obie farted or cleared his throat.

It was funny to watch the democrats stand and applaud everything, while the republicans remained seated and stoic. A lock-step, somewhat choreographed, reaction by the two sides. The words "al-Qaeda is on the run", "Islamic Terrorism" or "the Constitution" never crossed Obama's lips but "fair" and "middle class" flowed like wine.

Obie coddled to his voting base, which included any and every minority he could remember. His go-to list included Blacks, Hispanics, gays, lesbians and trans-gender while insisting that the upper class share the wealth and pay their "fair share".

No mention was made regarding the recent murders of police officers, Black violence and riots, the idea of getting a job and the continuing influx of illegal aliens. All things considered, I should have watched the re-runs of "The Big Bang Theory".....

The front entrance of the Santa Barbara News-Press was recently vandalized and sprayed with the message "The border is illegal, not the people who cross it" in red paint. The attack came amid wider objections to a News-Press headline that used the word "illegals" in a story on California granting driver's licenses to people in the country illegally. The newspaper has since reported that it will not change its usage of the term.

The News As I See It: The big story is yesterday's State of the Union address. During Obama's speech, one cabinet member was asked to stay behind to run the government in case there is a crisis at the Capitol. At least that's what they're telling Biden.

After "American Sniper" made $90 million last weekend, director Michael Moore tweeted yesterday that snipers aren't heroes. I don't know, Michael Moore. If you are that easy to spot, do you really want to make an enemy out of snipers?

For the first time ever, "The View" was beaten in the ratings by another daytime show called "The Talk." However, both shows are losing viewers to something called the "Off button."

In Florida, a teenage boy was arrested for posing as a doctor. After hearing about it, Dr. Phil said, "Wait, it's illegal to pose as a doctor?"

New York’s JFK Airport has plans to open the world’s first airport terminal for animals next year. Not to be outdone, LaGuardia has announced plans to finally open a terminal for humans.

This Date In History: 1793; King Louis XVI was guillotined for treason. 1915; The first Kiwanis Club was founded in Detroit. 1924; Vladimir Ilyich Lenin died in Moscow. 1950; Former State department official Alger Hiss found guilty of perjury. 1950; George Orwell died in London.

1954; USS Nautilus, the first nuclear-powered submarine was launched. 1977; President Carter pardoned most Vietnam War draft evaders. 2003; The U.S. Census Bureau reported that Hispanics had surpassed Blacks as the largest minority group.

2010; In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court rules in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission that the government cannot restrict the spending of corporations for political campaigns, maintaining that it's their First Amendment right to support candidates as they choose. This decision upsets two previous precedents on the free-speech rights of corporations.

Picture Of The Day: Some things just never change.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end. 2) My girlfriend told me my analogies didn't make any sense. It made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

3) In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a "cronut," which is a croissant-donut. We call these people "midiots," which is a moron-idiot. 4) I was considering re-marrying the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I only wanted to re-marry her for my money. 5) Whoever penned the phrase, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself", has never seen a flying cockroach.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 21st: Romance is in the air today, just over the north of France. If you don't happen to be near the north of France then chances are you're going to be going to the bar alone. Remember, wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don't panic yet!

Birthdays: Ethan Allen, soldier 1738, John C. Fremont, explorer, soldier, and political leader 1813, Thomas Jonathan "Stonewall" Jackson, American Confederate General 1824, Sophia Jex-Blake, physician 1840, Christian Dior, fashion designer 1905, Telly Savalas, actor 1924, Jack Nicklaus, golfer 1940, Placido Domingo, tenor 1941, Geena Davis, actor 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil. Satan asks, "Why so glum?" The guy says, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan says, "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here."

Satan says, "You a drinking man?" The guy says, "Sure, I love to drink." Satan says, "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, you name it. We drink until we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." The guy says,"That sounds great!"

Satan asks, "You a smoker?" The guy replies, "You better believe it." Satan says, "All right! You're gonna love Wednesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead." The guy says, "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan says, "I bet you like to gamble" The guy answers, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "Good, because Thursdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." The guy says, "Cool! I never realized Hell was such a great place!"

Satan asks, "Are you gay?" The guy replies, ".......No" Satan says, "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

Three nuns died in an auto accident. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter was there to greet them. St. Peter said to the nuns, "Before you can enter you each have to answer one question correctly."

St. Peter goes to the first nun and asked, "Who was the first man God created?" The first nun looked at St. Peter and said, "Oh, that's easy, Adam." The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said, "You may enter."

Then St. Peter goes to the second nun and asked, "Who was the first woman God created?" The second nun looks at St. Peter and said, "That's easy, Eve." The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said, "You may enter."

Then St. Peter goes to the third nun and asked, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?" The third woman starts thinking then looked at St. Peter and said, "Oh, that's a hard one." The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said, "You may enter....."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

It went on and on and on. neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" The husband replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

There were two friends. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His friend, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad friend died. He was still missed by his friend since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good friend died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day, he asked God where his friend was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that He was sorry but his friend lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good friend then asked God if there was any way for him to see his friend.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his friend. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good friend said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here, and I love it. But I don't understand."

He continued, "If my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment."

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't."

That's it for today, my little pets. Remember, never trust anyone named Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking. My regular trip to AREA 51 for happy hour is on hold. I'm actually feeling well enough to go, but other necessary activities preclude it.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

The Cave On Buffalo Mountain And Swimming In The Quarry

Friday, I told you about the cave on Buffalo Mountain in Tennessee. The small still we discovered was long since abandoned, but we began to associate the still with the ruins of the cabin near the entrance to the cave.

After exploring the cave, we trekked back to the nearby cabin ruins. One of the first things we saw was the same bean cans we saw in the cave, so putting two and two together, we figured the "Shiners" lived in the cabin. The cabin had been there quite a long time, so the was no way of telling it's age.

Although our original plan was to climb to the top of the mountain, tougher terrain and the excitement of discovering the cave soon nixed that plan. We didn't dare tell any of the adults for fear that we might get into trouble. Hell, for that matter, it could have been one of their relatives' still.

Returning back home, one of the kids told us about a nearby rock quarry that was abandoned when the miners hit an underground stream and created about a very deep 6-7 acre lake. Other than its' beauty, the first thing I noticed was that the quarry had bass in it. The problem was I didn't bring my rod and reel on the trip.

Aside from the drive-in area where trucks came to collect fill, the sides of the quarry rose as high as 40-50 feet and was a sheer, straight drop.The water was crystal clear and I imagine it must have been 50-60 feet deep.

Being kids, the first thing we decided to do was to go swimming. The water was so clear that, diving off a ten foot high rock ledge, you could not tell where the surface began. It was quite intimidating as you felt you were diving off a four story building. You can imagine the number of belly-flops.

It was summer, the water temperature was pleasant and we swam and lazed in this beautiful place the rest of the day. All of this was new to me, The Smokey Mountains, caves, quarries and the serene beauty of the area left me wanting to do and see more.

Grandmother Byrd's House Today

In 1965, Brother Kirt and I left Miami on a Friday night for a one week vacation with no particular destination in mind other than Bessemer, Alabama to see my friend and champion race car driver Red Farmer and to return to Tennessee and meet up with Ron Byrd at his grandmother's house.

We camped at Fisheating Creek around Lake Okeechobee in Florida, caught bass in a small canal in northern Florida, saw Red Farmer in Alabama and went to Ruby Falls in Tennessee.

Our next stop was meeting up with Ron at his grandmother's house. Since Ron and I had originally explored the cave on Buffalo Mountain and related the story to Brother Kirt, our first plan was to climb the mountain again to see the cave.

Unfortunately, too much time had passed, the foliage and growth had changed and, after a couple hours of searching for the original trail, we realized that it would not be possible.

Instead, we opted to go swim in the quarry. This time, I had my rod and reel and spotted a huge lunker bass. The crystal clear waters, however, spooked the bass every time I got a lure near it, so we opted to swim, generally enjoy the lake and, of course, drink a few beers.

As I grow older, I'm happy that I am able to look back in time and relive parts of my youth and the dear friends and family that I shared it with. My thanks to Google Earth for the pictures I downloaded in that if it weren't for them, I could not have pinpointed the locations shown in Friday and today's stories.....

The News As I See It: The Oscar nominations are out and this year's Oscar nominations are being called the whitest in 19 years. Everybody's white that was nominated. Sorry folks, the nominations are based on the Oscar voters definition of talent and not racial quotas.

Logic did not stop the continual stupidity of "Podium Al" Sharpton  for crying Oscar "racism." Perhaps he forgot last year's nomination of "12 Years A Slave" as best picture. The film won three Academy Awards: Best Picture, Best Supporting Actress and Best Adapted Screenplay. Meanwhile, Matthew McConaughey took a look at the nominees and said, "All white, all white, all white."

The film "Selma" was snubbed by the Oscar voters and some people are saying it's because of the film's historical inaccuracy. Don't you just hate it when accuracy gets in the way of making a historical film.

Liam Neeson ranted this week and said that he believes America has too many guns. Nearly all of them were used by Liam Neeson in "Taken 3." Here's a thought. Let's start with taking the guns and violence out of Hollywood movies and if that stops crime, we'll move on from there.

Senator Rand Paul reflected on Mitt Romney's potential 2016 campaign and said, “It's sort of what Einstein said, that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.” When someone told him Einstein didn't actually say that, he said, "In the words of Gandhi, 'My bad.'"

Rosie Perez, one of the hosts of "The View," may be leaving the show. I hope this doesn't screw up the chemistry.
 

This pic and the pic on top are actual pictures taken by unknown photographers on Buffalo Mountain.

This Date In History: 1915; The electric neon sign was patented in the United States by George Claude of Paris, France. 1953; Lucy Ricardo gave birth to baby Ricky on I Love Lucy. More people tuned in to watch the show than the inauguration of President Eisenhower.

1955; President Eisenhower okayed the first filming of a news conference for television. 1966; Indira Gandhi was elected prime minister of India. 1981; The United States and Iran signed an agreement paving the way for the release of 52 Americans held hostage for more than 14 months.

1997; Yasser Arafat returned to Hebron for the first time in 30 years, as Israel hands over control of the West Bank city to Palestinians. 2001; President Clinton admitted he made false statements under oath about Monica Lewinsky.

Picture Of The Day: It's difficult to gain perspective of the Buffalo mountain area unless you've trekked it. The distance from Grandma Byrd's house to the three-quarter mark of the mountain is nearly a mile and the distance from the house to the quarry is about .7 miles.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There's been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I replaced out all the locks in my home with bra clasps. 2) I'm sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car. 3) It's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee on parked car tires.

4) Every time my girlfriend stays over, we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs the bed while I'm on the side hanging on for dear life. 5) I read that four years after pregnancy, thirty-eight percent of all moms were still not drinking. I think it's safe to say this survey was not done on Facebook.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 19th: Be aware that all lines are not necessarily for amazingly happy things like roller coasters. Some are for terribly bad things like tax returns. So even though everyone appears to be in love with the same person and you see yourself as being at the back of that line, it might be a blessing.

Birthdays: My Sister Jean - Happy Birthday Sis ! 19XX, James Watt, inventor 1736, Isaiah Thomas, patriot and printer 1749 Robert E. Lee, Confederacy general 1807, Edgar Allan Poe, American Writer 1809, Henry Bessemer, engineer and inventor 1813, Paul Cezanne, painter 1839, Alexander Woollcott, author, critic 1887, Patricia Highsmith, writer 1921, Tippi Hedren, actor 1935, Janis Joplin, singer 1943, Dolly Parton, entertainer 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and wife are in bed and the wife says, "Honey, if I die would you get married again? Her husband replied, "No dear." His wife said, "I'm sure you would." The annoyed husband said, "Okay, I would."

The wife asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Her husband answered, "Yeah, I guess so." The wife asked, "Would you let her wear my clothes?" Her husband replied, "No, she's taller than you."

A suspended lawyer, an illegal alien, a pathological liar, a Muslim, a communist, a free-loader and a Black guy walk into a bar. The bartender asks…. "What'll it be, Mr. President?"

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

The man replied, "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" The policeman said, "No, you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."
 

In my search for pictures, I came across this gentleman atop Buffalo Mountain. To give you perspective, you can see the overpass below, not far from Grandmother Byrd's house. No easy trek, huh?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A six-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. The six-year-old says, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval.

The six-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The four-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the six-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." Whack!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, then runs upstairs crying his eyes out, his mother in hot pursuit slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the four-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" The four-year-old blubbers, "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

After a week, she walks out of the hospital and is killed crossing the street by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years?!" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

That's it for today, my little marshmallows. Remember, contrary to the country-western song lyrics "Jesus Take The Wheel", it is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, he doesn't just stop with the wheel. He takes the hubcaps and the stereo too.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Eating Apples, Exploring Caves and Swimming In The Quarry

Today's thoughts return me to my friends Ron and Sandra Byrd's grandparents' house just outside of Erwin, Tennessee. I was about 14 years old and rode up from Florida with their father John Byrd. Mr Byrd was up for the long weekend and to pick up Ronnie and Sandy to return to Hialeah (Miami).

We got in late Friday night and first thing Saturday morning, we set off exploring the area. One of the neat things was that there was an apple orchard behind the barn. Since I had never seen an apple tree or an apple growing on a tree, I was in seventh heaven.

Behind the orchard was railroad tracks with all kinds of neat polished stones. Then there was the mountain.

Grandma Byrd's home is middle right. The apple orchard is no longer there but it was behind the building with the brown roof.

As with all curious kids, we just started climbing. No plans, no food (although we were stuffed with apples) and no water. The climb was steep and tough and the annoying variety of berry vines (which were tasty) caused us to fall quite a bit. Somewhere near the top, we saw the ruins of an old wooden cabin.

A bit farther up the trail, we discovered a large hole in the ground. Further inspection revealed a series of caverns below the hole and an ice cold stream of delicious water flowing from the mountain.

After quenching our thirst, we began to explore the caves and soon realized that we were not prepared to go any deeper into the caves without candles, flashlights, ropes and any equipment we could use to assure our safety.



The road running left to right points the the part of the mountain we explored. The interstate highway was not built at the time.

We hurried back down the mountain to the barn and, on the sly, gathered enough supplies to head back up to the cave. I say on the sly because if the adults had known our mission, they would have nipped it in the bud. It was a two hour trek each time we went up the mountain, so it was no piece of cake. Thank the lord for the strength in youth.

No one wanted to go into the cave first as the opening was rather small and descending. So, I went first and the first thing I did was to support myself on the side of the entrance....and it moved. I shined my light to see a red spotted newt who seemed annoyed that I touched him.

The cave had three levels, each blocked by a large rock, so that one had to squirm to pass through. The third and last level was the telling level. There were many empty bean cans, old remnants of a camp fire, a 55 gallon steel drum and, you guessed it, copper tubing. It was an old abandoned moonshine still.

I'll have part two of my adventure on Monday and relate the story of the beautiful rock quarry that we swam in.

The News As I See It: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will begin fundraising for a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the end of January. No word on what his platform will be, but if I know Christie it'll be really strong, maybe double reinforced steel.

A congressman sent a tweet that compared Obama to Adolf Hitler. He has since apologized to Hitler. Obama is now focusing on cyber security. He's pushing for new laws to protect companies from hackers. And who better to do that than the people who brought us the Obamacare website? Not only couldn't hackers get in, no one could penetrate it.

A dog in Seattle is making news after commuters noticed it had been riding the bus to a local park all by itself. Everyone says the dog is amazing, while the dog said, panicking, “I gotta find that blind guy. I’m in a lot of trouble if I don’t find him.

According to U.S. News and World Report, the best job in America is being a dentist. Which is interesting because a dentist’s office is the only place where people still read U.S. News and World Report.

The FDA has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable.

This Date In History: 1547; Ivan the Terrible was crowned the first czar of Russia. 1883; The U.S. Civil Service Commission established. 1920; A year after it was ratified, the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, prohibiting the sale of alcoholic beverages, went into effect.

1942; Actress Carole Lombard, the wife of actor Clark Gable, died in a plane crash. 1991; Operation Desert Storm was announced by the White House. 1992; The El Salvador government signed a peace treaty with guerrilla forces, formally ending 12 years of civil war.

2001; Laurent Kabila, president of the Democratic Republic of the Congo, was assassinated. 2003; Space shuttle Columbia blasted off on what would be its final mission. The craft broke up on its descent on Feb. 1, killing all on board,

Picture Of The Day: Although it's difficult to see the clarity of the water in the rock quarry featured in today's post, The water was as clear as the water in this picture. It was so clear, that you could not tell the difference between the water line and the reflection.

This illusion sometimes occurs in high diving and a hose is used to splash the water near the target to determine the entry point.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up. 2) Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they're in for the rest of that day. 3) When my girlfriend wants my opinion, she'll give it to me. 4) I imagine the discovery of fruit went like this: "Ok, so far you've named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?......Really? (sigh). 5) If you decapitate a vegan, they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 6 minutes.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 16th: Romance is in the air today, just over the north of France. If you don't happen to be near the north of France, then chances are you're going to strike out again this week. However, wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don't panic yet! I would estimate that at least fifty percent of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed.

Birthdays: Robert W. Service, writer 1874, Fulgencio Batista, Cuban President 1901, Ethel Merman, entertainer 1909, Dizzy Dean, baseball player 1911, William Kennedy, novelist 1928, Susan Sontag, writer and critic 1933, Marilyn Horne, mezzo-soprano 1934 A.J. Foyt, auto racer 1935, Aaliyah singer, actress 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door. Then, they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." The startled father said, But, why?" The wife said, "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

Sonny said, "Well. I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door. Then, they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with Uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50.

She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap. The shopkeeper said, "Well, to be honest, the bird's last owner was a madam at a whorehouse. He occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people."

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam." The woman thought, "That's not so bad."

A little while later, her daughters got home from school and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores." Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.

Later that evening, her husband Robert came home. The parrot said, "Hi Bobby!"

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

That's it for today, my little ponies. Remember, Adulthood is like a dog going to the Vet. We're like all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going. The weekly trek to AREA 51 is still on hold. I'm better, but it's still too early to test the waters.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Random Thoughts And A "Perfect Martini"

After the College Championship Football game, as if by unwritten law, every lowlife asshole known to man immediately celebrated by setting fire to cars and generally causing mayhem. Where are snipers when you need them? Time to thin the herd.

Why does Hussein Obama find it difficult to refer to the current wave of terrorism as "Radical Islam"? Every other world leader does. Everyone! Perhaps he's worried about offending his relatives.

He couldn't make it to the world memorial walk in Paris yet he managed to send several White House representatives to Michael Brown's funeral. Damn, you'd think he could have at least sent "Podium Al" Sharpton to Paris as his personal representative.

On a different note, my battle with Microsoft has come to a successful conclusion after 8-10 hours of phone calls to the off-shore techs in the Philippines and Costa Rica. They re-installed Windows 7 and to date, everything is running smoothly and Samantha has resumed her position sitting on the keyboard.

And finally, the bug I have been fighting is displaying the surrender flag, although, in the terms of surrender, the tricky little bastard has reserved the right to cough at will at inopportune times such as when I am speaking to others or on the phone. Fortunately, most  everyone tolerates the cough attack, patiently waiting to see if I will pull through the coughing bout or simply die.

My "Perfect Martini' has been in constant contact with me to make sure I'm okay. Un besito, mi amor!

The News As I See It: A congressman from Texas sent out a tweet comparing Obama to Hitler. That is ridiculous because at this point in his career, Hitler had a much higher approval rating.

After Mitt Romney announced he was considering a 2016 presidential campaign, his former running mate Paul Ryan announced that he will not run. Ryan won't say who he'll support. He just wants the best man for the Jeb.....Job, I mean job.

Fifteen states have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it’s now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks.

New research suggests that men who regularly post selfies are more likely to have psychopathic tendencies. While women who regularly post selfies are more likely to be a Kardashian.

This Date In History: 1639; The first constitution of Connecticut, Fundamental Orders, was adopted. 1784; The United States ratified treaty with England ending the Revolutionary War. 1943; President Roosevelt and Prime Minister Churchill meet at the Casablanca Conference.

1953; Tito formally became the first president of the Republic of Yugoslavia. 1954; Marilyn Monroe married baseball legend Joe DiMaggio. 1963; George Wallace sworn in as Alabama's governor, promising "segregation forever."

1973; The Miami Dolphins became the first NFL team to go undefeated and have a perfect season by beating the Washington Redskins in Super Bowl VII. 1990; The Simpsons premiered on television. 2008; Bobby Jindal takes office as governor of Louisiana as the first elected Indian-American governor of the U.S.

Picture Of The Day: For my car lovers, do any of you know if this carburetor would fit a small block Chevy?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The doctor came out of the operating room and said, "I'm sorry sir, your mother-in-law didn't make it." The man answered, "Was it the lack of prayers on Facebook?" The doctor replied, "Yes sir, I'm afraid it was." 2) If your smart phone gets wet, put it in a bag of dry rice. Then at night, the rice will attract Asians and they will fix all your electronics for you.

3) The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over. 4) My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one. 5) My girlfriend and I are re-enacting "Titanic". We're at the part where Rose is naked on the couch. I can't draw well. I think my pencil may be out of lead.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 14th: Feeding stray cats and dogs is admirable and may seem important to you today in order to get a feeling of self worth and satisfaction. Do be careful of squirrels as they have been known to want to nest in your hair. Disregard this warning if you are bald.

Birthdays: Benedict Arnold, general and traitor 1741, Henri Fantin-Latour, painter 1836, Berthe Morisot, impressionist painter 1841, R.F. Outcault, cartoonist and illustrator 1863, Albert Schweitzer, Alsatian Medical Missionary 1875, John Dos Passos, novelist 1896, Harold Russell, soldier and actor 1914, Faye Dunaway, actress 1941, Shannon Lucid, astronaut and biochemist 1943, Maureen Dowd, journalist 1952, Steven Soderbergh, filmmaker 1963, Emily Watson, actress 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it.

He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states, "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh." Realizing his mistake he grows red with embarrassment. After purchasing a ticket to Pittsburgh, he sits and waits for his bus.

Shortly after sitting down, a man walks up to him and says, "Don't worry about that, it's called a 'Freudian Slip' and it happens all the time. Like the other day I was sitting with my wife at dinner and I meant to say, 'Pass me the salt, please' but, I accidentally said, 'You've ruined my life you horrible, useless bitch."

A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. He asked the doctor, "Why are all the blinds closed?"

The surgeon responded, "They're fighting a raging fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

He said, "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. I'm with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure.....cross my heart"

Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed." (Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.)

The Catholic Church requires women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informed her that she could not enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a blouse." The woman replied, "But Father, I have a divine right !"

The priest says, "I can see that and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."

That's it for today, my little primroses. Remember, a true dilemma is when your fifteen-year-old daughter brings home a weird tattooed guy with a rainbow colored Mohawk hairdo, but your garden is already completely full of corpses. AREA 51 is still iffy but I'm getting better each day.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !