Remember Your First Car ?

My first car was a used 1955 Ford. It was unpainted and the dealer wanted $300. I offered him $285 with a new paint job. He agreed and two days later I went to pick it up, but it wasn't ready. I asked the receptionist the status and she said the car was in the upholstery shop.

Upholstery shop? I walked to the shop and there it was, Painted midnight blue with new upholstery. I knew that wasn't in the agreement and the salesman said, "They accidentally re-upholstered your car. That wasn't in the deal." I told him, "Well, you can call it good will or, if you like, you can put back on the old upholstery." He just smiled and said, "Enjoy your car."

My Ford had a 272 cubic inch engine with a manual three speed transmission. Of course, being young, I immediately bought a conversion kit and moved the shifter to the floor. Adding some blue lights under the dash with a toggle switch, I was ready to go.

Back in the day, power steering, power brakes and air-conditioning were non-existent (with the exception of bigger, more expensive cars) but I didn't know the difference and I was a happy camper. The Ford was faithful during our years together and we spent many a night at the drive-in movies, It was a happy time.

I've added some of my other cars that I've had over the years for your dinning and dancing pleasure.....

The News As I See It: Rachel Dolezal in Spokane, Washington was president of the Spokane chapter of the NAACP but was exposed as a white woman who was pretending to be black. A lot of people are upset, especially her white friends who thought they had at least one black friend.

Dolezal, who claimed for years that she was black, made an appearance on the "Today" show. I don't think she's learned her lesson because for the first hour she pretended to be Al Roker.

Congrats to the Chicago Blackhawks, who defeated the Tampa Bay Lightning to win the Stanley Cup. Though there was some controversy when the Blackhawks’ parents revealed that they’re actually Whitehawks pretending to be black.

It was a beautiful weekend in Miami. The weather was so nice, I went to the beach without sunscreen for a few hours and I was elected to run the Spokane NAACP.

Hillary Clinton has released a 14-song Spotify playlist to go along with her 2016 campaign. The weird part, though, is that it’s just "Eye of the Tiger" 14 times.

Beachgoers in Florida have been warned about deadly flesh-eating bacteria in the water. Of course, in Florida, everyone ignores a warnings, especially hurricanes.

Saying "Spoiler alert" doesn't fix that you're still about to spoil something. It's like somebody saying, "No offense".

For some reason, this Cadillac was always my favorite

This Date In History: 1775; The Battle of Bunker Hill took place during the American Revolution. 1885; The Statue of Liberty arrived in New York City aboard the French ship Isere. 1928; Amelia Earhart embarked on the first trans-Atlantic flight by a woman.

1944; The Republic of Iceland was established. 1963; U.S. Supreme Court ruled that no locality may require recitation of Lord's Prayer or Bible verses in public schools. 1972; Burglary of Democratic Party headquarters in Washington, DC, started the Watergate political scandal.

1994; O. J. Simpson's slow-speed chase by the police, watched by millions on TV, ended in his arrest. 2002; Australian scientists announced that they had "teleported" a laser beam - breaking it up and reconstructing it in another location.

Picture Of The Day: Hillary Clinton will be soon traveling to address the NAACP. In the past, she's faked a Southern accent to blend with her Southern crowds, but I don't think she'll resort to any new tactics.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. 2) Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll buy a stupid hat. 3) I was winning a Trivia competition last Saturday night until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the correct answer is Fiji. 4) One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man is "That’s okay" which means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake. 5) Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 17th: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true for you, I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests. Wandering is dangerous. Had this been an actual emergency, I would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.

Birthdays: James Weldon Johnson, author, educator 1871, Igor Stravinsky, composer 1882, M. C. Escher, artist 1898, Dan Jansen, skater 1965, Venus Williams, tennis player 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. The parrot said, "Hey, lady!" The woman said, "Yes?" The parrot said, "You know...."

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

Davey asked the priest, "Father Donovan, what is this? Father Donovan replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque. Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Jack for his contribution to today's stories.

The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the elder priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

The young priest answered,  "Thank you Father. I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

The elder priest said, "All of these ideas have been well and good, but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional.'' The young priest protested, "But Father, my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began."

The elder priest said, "Yes, and I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."

A man picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it.

After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. She replied, "Your organ, it's a bit on the small side." He replied, "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

That's it for today, my little sea horses. Remember, when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it's true love. After marriage, however, it is usually in self-defense. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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My Cat Samantha Is A Voyeur

I love my cat and my other pets from the past, but privacy is not one of their biggest concerns. There's nothing more disconcerting than to be in a compromising situation and see eyes and ears observing your performance.

My area of quiet and solace has always been the bathroom, but it seems that my pets just had to be there with me. The dog could be sleeping or the cat in hiding, but the moment I enter the bathroom and turn on the light, they magically appear.

The funny thing about this is that if go into the bathroom for something else or simply to urinate, a look of sadness comes on their face, as if you just cancelled a Fourth of July party.

If you closed the door, the dog would whine or the cat would mew. If that didn't work, the dog would scratch the door or you would see cat paws under the door trying to open it. After a while, I just gave up and let them in.

As for their bedroom peccadilloes, early in life I realized they were perverted voyeurs. After the first time, I always tried to remember to shut the bedroom door. But occasionally, these interludes, ofttimes flamed by liquor and passion, are forgotten.

I always suspected that my dog was a pervert, so it didn't surprise me to look up and see him with an "atta boy" grin on his face. But cats are more devious and aside from observing, they also like to play the game, "Climb on top and make bread" or "Attack whatever moves under the covers".

While I understand why these games occur, some of the ladies were not so understanding. Most of them laughed or simply shrugged it off, but there were those who found it distasteful and the mood (and usually the evening) came to a halt.

My dog was usually stopped by shouting but my cat, as any cat owner can testify, was never dissuaded and only resorted to more devilish pranks. As a matter of practice, I used to have a framed sign that read: Proceed at your own risk. My animals are perverted and I'm not too sure about their owner, either......

The News As I See It: There are reports that Hillary Clinton’s campaign is saving money by encouraging staffers to take discounted buses between New York and Washington. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders is actually Fed-Exing himself to every speech.

Bernie Sanders told reporters that his campaign will have plenty of money to compete for the Democratic nomination. Then he said, while writing down an order, "And I’ll be right back with your pancakes."

Many lawmakers on Capitol Hill wore seersucker suits to work yesterday, in honor of National Seersucker Day. In a related story, ISIS is still a huge problem.....

A new study says that chimpanzees occasionally drink too much fermented palm sap, which causes them to act drunk. Researchers could tell the chimps were drunk when one of them suggested karaoke.

This Date In History: 1215; King John sealed the Magna Carta. 1775; George Washington was appointed head of the Continental Army by the Second Continental Congress. 1836; Arkansas became the 25th state in the United States.

1844; Charles Goodyear was granted a patent for rubber vulcanization. 1849; James Polk, the 11th president of the United States, died in Nashville, Tennessee. 1923; Lou Gehrig made his New York Yankee debut as a pinch runner.

1992 ; Vice President Dan Quayle's "potatoe" spelling incident. 1996; Ella Fitzgerald, the ''first lady of song,'' died in Beverly Hills, California. 2002; Rolling Stone Mick Jagger was knighted by Queen Elizabeth.

Picture Of The Day: They sometimes act as if they've been traumatized, but cats are masters of deception and have many faces. Moreover, most of them that I've known are habitual liars.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I joined a health club last year, spent 300 bucks and I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. 2) My girlfriend is at her classiest when, during a romantic interlude, I take off her bra off and cookie crumbs fall out. 3) Americans and Britons have different ways of saying things. They say "lift", we say "elevator". They say "President", we say "Lying narcissist asshole". 4) My friend and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, they go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine and a romantic dinner. She goes on Tuesdays, he goes on Fridays. 5) Last week, I was in front of a judge and he said "You've been brought here for drinking." I said, "Okay, let's get started.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 15th: A light is getting closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds with a special someone. The light may be a bit bright though, so you might want to turn away. Don't turn away for too long though. I'm pretty sure it's a light. I've discussed it with a few other astrologers and it's either a light or a train. A whistle may be a tell-tale sign.

Birthdays: Edward the Black Prince, prince 1330, Edvard Grieg, Norwegian composer 1843, Mario Cuomo, politician 1932, Waylon Jennings, singer 1937, Helen Hunt, actress 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "You have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second guy said, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool." The third guy said, "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house. So the first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

The fourth guy smiled and said "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater'."

A blonde in her third year as a UCLA Freshman sat in her US Government class. The professor asked the blonde if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

She pondered the question then, finally said, "Yes, that was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A Jewish man was leaving a coffee shop with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man said, "My wife's." The Jewish man said, ''What happened to her?" The Italian man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

The Jewish man inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man pointed to the 200 man line behind the procession and replied, "Sure, but you have to go to the end of the line."

Scenario: A man is walking down the streets of Baltimore with his wife and two small children. Suddenly, a thug with a huge knife comes around the corner and charges him. The man is carrying a Glock 45 and he is an expert shot. He has mere seconds before the thug reaches him and his family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer: "Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I done anything that would inspire him to attack? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun? What kind of message does this send to society? What will Al Sharpton say?"

Conservative Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Southerner's Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click....(sounds of reloading). Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click.... 

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

That's it for today, my little jelly beans. Remember, the only ideal marriage was Adam and Eve. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

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Yesteryear

Harken back to 1964. Graduated high school in '63, now more into world matters. The Cuban Missile Crisis was on my mind, I registered for the Draft and a place called Vietnam was in the news. A new group called "The Beatles" were hot and I was performing in a band with Brother Kirt.

The earlier years were great, but 1964 found me torn between my passion for stock car racing, and my music and the rewards that come with it. It had become apparent that guys in bands were almost always surrounded by girls. Moreover, even if you weren't that good (I am), they girls still came around.

My new draft card didn't have much meaning to me until I was called down to take a physical, which I failed (too light for my height). With Vietnam more and more in the news and quite a few of my friends getting drafted or joining the military, I decided I should investigate this problem further and create a plan.

In the interim, my mother advised me that I was to either go to college or get a job. She also advised me that, either way, she was going to start charging me rent. Tell me it ain't so, Ma!

So there I was, dealing with the possibility of going to war, a lusting desire to become more involved in my world of music and it's perks and now Mom's putting on the pressure.

So, I got a job that paid $5 a day and was raised to $6 a week later. I had to take a bus to work. Fortunately, I got laid off (I hated that job) and found a job paying the minimum wage of $1.25 per hour. It was at that job when the owners announced that JFK had been assassinated. They told us to go home (with pay).

Beatlemania grew stronger as more English bands came to America including The Rolling Stones, The Animals and many others. Musically, I was in seventh heaven and my love life was great, but there was other things happening in the world that I didn't like.

1964 was a year that greatly affected my life, mostly good. Thankfully youth was on my side because I had my mind and hands full during that year. Truthfully, the few moments of peace and serenity came when I was either fishing with my father, my brother and other close friends.

Many people who know me and are semi-aware of my past, have suggested that I could write a book. I have considered it and, since the statute of limitations has run out and most the women I knew back in the day either have gotten divorces or their husbands are too old to beat me up, it's still on the table.

The News As I See It: There is a push for American Pharoah to be named Sports Illustrated's "Sportsman of the Year." There’s no word yet if he'll be featured in the next swimsuit issue.

The Women's World Cup is under way again. Soccer, of course, is the sport in which you're only allowed to use your hands if you're the goalie or taking a bribe.

Hillary Clinton has joined Instagram. Meanwhile, her Democratic opponent Bernie Sanders joined telegram. Word has it that Hillary has already deleted thousands of photos.

Olympic figure skater Michelle Kwan is now a full-time paid staffer on Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign and Tonya Harding was hired to take care of any other Democrats who enter the race.

Thieves robbed and bound a Miami man yesterday. They gagged him with a piece of rope and covered his eyes with masking tape. He was able to chew through the rope after two hours of trying. His inspiration came from remembering eating his wife's pot roast.

This Date In History: 1880; John Lee Richmond pitched baseball's first perfect game. A perfect game occurs when no batter reaches a base during a complete game of at least nine innings.

1898; Emilio Aguinaldo, head of the Philippine nationalists, proclaimed independence from Spain. 1939; The Baseball Hall of Fame opened to the public in Cooperstown, New York. 1942; Anne Frank received a diary for her birthday.

1963; Civil rights leader Medgar Evers was fatally shot in front of his home in Jackson, Mississippi. 1997; Interleague play began in baseball, ending a 126-year tradition of separating the major leagues until the World Series.

Picture Of The Day: The Cuban Missile Crisis occurred in 1962. The entire world was on pins and needles fearing nuclear war for 13 days until the Soviet Union backed down. The Opa Locka, Florida Air Base was alive with thousands of armed soldiers, equipment and munitions.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you tip the world over on its side, anything and everything that's illegal, loose or useless will land in Los Angeles. 2) Doing word problems as a child helped me in adulthood. "Jimmy doesn't have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?" 3) When I was eight, I saw a picture of myself in one of those strollers for twins. I asked Dad why there were two seats in the stroller. He said I used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. 4) I saw a woman really screaming at her kids at Walmart this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly. 5) Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 12th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. Go now, or forever hold your pee.

Birthdays: Johanna Spyri, author 1827, Djuna Barnes, author 1892, George Herbert Walker Bush, 41st President of the United States (1989–93) 1924, Anne Frank, diarist 1929.

The Florida Keys - 1962

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

A guy goes into a bar and sits next to an attractive woman. He tries to strike up a conversation, when suddenly the woman says, "Let me save you some time, pal, I like women." Undaunted and a bit miffed, the guy won't take no for an answer.

The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't," The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. He mumbles from behind the mask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir, they look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now. listen very closely, "Are - my - test - results - back?"

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian said, "I rubbed fine olive oil all over my wife, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman said, "I rubbed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour." The Englishman said, "I covered my wife's body with lard. We made love and she screamed for six hours."

The others asked, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" The Englishman replied, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

A man goes into Border's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man says, "Yeah that's the one, I'll take a copy please."

That's it for today, my little sesame seeds. Remember, you've never truly appreciated Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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What Bird Would You Be?

The eagle is out, but only because they mate in mid-air, free falling until the act is finished. I don't want to fall to my death on jagged rocks because I couldn't get my zipper down fast enough.

I considered the road runner, but I wouldn't want to always be looking over my shoulder for Wile E. Coyote. Small and dainty birds are out as well. Too easy for Sylvester the Cat to come around looking for a quick meal.

I considered water fowl. I like ducks and the majestic swan, but living in South Florida all my life, I've seen bass and many gators take out the ducklings and even adult birds. Nope, that won't work.

So, I took a page from Obama's philosophy and decided that I would choose to be a pigeon. They're everywhere and everyone seems to put up with them. Hell, most people even feed them. And using Obie's political playbook, I could soar in the skies until I located someone to shit on.....

The News As I See It: Attorney General Loretta Lynch announced today that all seven FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when they were arrested for bribery.

At the summit this weekend, Obama accidentally missed a high five from the prime minister of Iraq. Apparently, he still has not mastered his Black History classes. Pretty embarrassing, but, then again, George W. Bush left Saddam hanging.

Last weekend, Hillary Clinton supported raising the federal minimum wage to $15 per hour. She said every American should be able to afford to attend one of her speeches.

The biggest blockbuster of the summer is coming out, and it stars Obama. It's a Disney picture called "Honey, I Shrunk the Economy."

This Date In History: 1801; The Tripolitan War, between the United States and the Barbary States, began. 1865; Wagner's opera, Tristan and Isolde, premiered in Munich. 1935; Alcoholics Anonymous was founded by "Bill W."

1942; The entire male population of the Czech village of Lidice was massacred in retaliation for the death of Nazi official Reinhard Heydrich. 1946; Italy replaced its monarchy with a republic.

1967; The Six-Day War between Israel and Syria, Egypt, and Jordan ended. 1978; Affirmed won the Belmont Stakes and the Triple Crown. 2003; Ontario, Canada issued the first full same-sex marriage licenses in North America.

Picture Of The Day: The majestic eagle would have been my first choice but I have issues with their reproduction techniques.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn't give up on their dreams. 2) I almost always wear black. Not because I'm too cool or trying to be dark, but because I'm single and I don't like to separate laundry. 3) I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app and it un-installed itself. 4) I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my girlfriend I haven’t eaten yet. 5) I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." I called my doctor and he said it's probably "Tom Jones Syndrome." I asked him if that was common and he said, "It's Not Unusual.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 10th: Animals can be your friends this week as you learn what it's like to live in an alley. There's no reason to get nervous, many relationships end this way.

Birthdays: Gustave Courbet, painter 1819, Hattie McDaniel, singer and actress 1895, Saul Bellow, novelist 1915, Judy Garland, actress and singer 1922, Robert Maxwell, business executive 1923, Tara Lipinski, Olympic figure skater 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is?"

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Two old men, Saul and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by. Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!"

The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Saul, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the word 'F*ck'."

Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say that?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Jack for his contribution to today's stories.

Two police officers, responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired, arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they called their sergeant on his cell phone.

One officer said, "Hello Sarge, it looks like we have a homicide here." The sergeant asked, "What happened?" The officer said, "A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."

The Sergeant nodded his head and asked, "Have you placed her under arrest?" The officer replied, "No sir. The floor is still wet."

The Catholic Church requires women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informed her that she could not enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a blouse."

The woman replied, "But Father, I have a divine right !" The priest says, " I see that and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."

That's it for today, my little bare cubs. Remember, a liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been robbed and beaten yet. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Friday.

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