What's Wrong With This Picture?

Surfer Mick Fanning escaped a shark attack while competing in the J-Bay Open in South Africa. I have never been attacked by a shark because of my diarrhea gene which kicks in the moment I see a fin, thus blinding the shark to my whereabouts.

This particular gene does, however, discourage friends and family to swim near me at the beach. Additionally, I have found the gene to be useless when fishing from a pier and espying a shark in the water, but I digress.....

Continuing with the story, as one can see, surfer Fanning, either through yelling or just plain intuition, has gotten wind of something closing in from behind.

He decides that it's time to begin paddling away from the impending attack, but to no avail. He's just not fast enough.

Times up, my friend. The shark attacks and Fanning attempts to fight the beast off. The shark is happy that Fanning does not possess the dreaded "Jimmy Diarrhea Gene".

The competition was canceled after Fanning escaped unharmed from the attack in the opening minutes of the final heat. Organizers of the J-Bay Open, the sixth stop on the 2015 Samsung Galaxy World Surf League Championship Tour, called off the remainder of the competition.

After discussion with WSL Commissioner Kieren Perrow, Fanning and competitor Julian Wilson decided to take equal second in rankings points and split the prize purse awarded to the winner.

The News As I See It: Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison yesterday. Obama said it was a good chance to talk about prison reform and to catch up with family, friends and former congressmen.

MSNBC host Lawrence O’Donnell is saying Donald Trump lied when he said he made $20 million a year off his "Apprentice" series on NBC. NBC also denied Trump’s claim, saying, "We don’t have $20 million. We’re NBC."

Some great pictures are coming from the New Horizon probe as it passes by dwarf planet Pluto. Pluto is still angry about being demoted to a "Dwarf Planet".

This Date In History: 1810; Colombia declared independence from Spain. 1881; Fugitive Sioux Indian leader Sitting Bull surrendered to federal troops. 1951; King Abdullah I of Jordan was assassinated.

1960; Sirima Bandaranaike of Sri Lanka (then Ceylon) became the world's first woman prime minister. 1969; Astronaut Neil A. Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon.

1985; Treasure hunters found the Spanish galleon Nuestra Senora de Atocha, which sank off the coast of Key West, Florida, in 1622 during a hurricane. The ship contained over $400 million in coins and silver ingots.

Picture Of The Day: All's well that ends well. Surfer Fanning is alive and well and the shark has moved on.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I rarely worry where the subject matter will come from for my next journal entry. Deep down, I know I can always rely on a politician shooting himself in the foot. 2) Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today. 3) They say that it's healthier to sneeze into your elbow to avoid spreading the flu virus. That may be true but it's going to wipe out Square Dancing across America. 4) Every time I go to happy hour, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!". 5) I am the man of the house and what I say to her goes.....in one ear and out the other.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 20th: Write lots of letters today and you'll appreciate the finer art of stamp licking. Take everything you've got and run like the wind. Sure, it's Monday and notoriously boring, but if you interject your style, maybe you can change that stigma. On second thought, have a few beers and chill and let opportunity come to you. Chance of romance is 37 percent.

Birthdays: Petrarch, poet and humanist 1304, Sir Edmund Hillary, New Zealand mountain climber and explorer 1919, Elliot Lee Richardson, government official 1920, Cormac McCarthy, novelist 1933, Natalie Wood, actress 1938, Carlos Santana, musician 1947.

The Iran Nuclear negotiations are now signed and I want to thank Ayatollah Barrack Hussein for successfully defending his interests 

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A beautiful woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive older man standing alone. She approached him and said, " Hi, my name's Carmen."

The man said, "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?" The woman said, "No, I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men. What's your name?" The man replied, "B. J. Titsengolf."

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her cell phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens intently as he lights a cigarette.

In a cheery voice,she says, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye, see you Sunday."

She hangs up, and the man beside her asks asks, "Who was that?" She replies casually, "That was my husband telling me all about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Joe Bob, Jim Bob and Billy Bob are greeted in heaven by St. Peter. "We have only one rule," he says. "Never step on a duck" But upon passing through the Pearly Gates, they're surrounded by thousands of ducks, and Joe Bob steps on one. The duck quacks and soon, all the ducks are quacking.

St. Peter admonishes, "I warned you not to step on a duck." He shackles Joe Bob to a ferocious looking 260 lbs Amazon woman for all eternity. Jim Bob steps on a duck and gets tethered forever to a Brute 6 foot 6 redheaded Viking woman.

Billy Bob thinks, "Poor ole Joe Bob and Jim Bob" and learns to watch his step. So St. Peter chains him to an absolutely gorgeous girl. Billy Bob exclaims, "Wow! What did I do to deserve this?" The buxom beauty says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

An old man was asked by his wife to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the farmer's market and looked around but couldn't find any.

He grabbed an old employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The produce guy looked at him and said, "No sir, you'll have to do that yourself."

That's it for today, my little glow worms. Remember, if you get a Department of Homeland Security email titled, "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it! It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

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Take Your Children Fishing And Camping At Least Once

My Dad always took us fishing. Most times we caught fish, sometimes not, but the thrill was in the adventure of the trip. I never knew where we were going or for what type of fish, but I was happy. Mom came with us sometimes, but I never felt her heart was in it. Too many bugs.

One of the neat things we would do was to go shrimping at night. Dad had a lantern and a big net and my job was to put the shrimp into the live well. Being young, it took me a while to get the hang of holding on to a big live shrimp, but I managed. We'd stay out all night, then use a few live shrimp to catch some snapper and then home to clean our catch and freeze most of it, saving a few for dinner.

Dad also knew of a spot to catch Snook that were landlocked. The problem was that we had to cross a train trestle to get there. Being under 10-years-old, the space between the wooden rail ties were scary and I made sure I stepped slowly fearing I'd fall through.

Dad and I at Lake Okeechobee

We'd also go fishing for bream and bass, catching live freshwater shrimp and crawdads the night before by flashlight. We'd leave the minnow bucket in the river overnight and picked it up the next day on the way.

Yep, Dad introduced me to fishing and the outdoors and the tradition continued until his last days. These are memories I'll never forget and I made it a point to pass the tradition to my children.....teaching them to fish, taking them camping and generally enjoying the outdoors.

I think every parent should try it at least once. Their children will never forget it.

Author'sNote: All of my children and my nephew are all over 40 today with kids of their own.

The News As I See It: Some bad news for Shepard Fairey, the street artist responsible for President Obama’s "Hope and Change" poster, is now facing vandalism charges in Detroit. It's pretty serious. Detroit officials say the artist's spray paint caused over $9,000 worth of improvements.

Donald Trump's remarks made since he began his presidential campaign have cost his brand as much as $80 million. You can tell things are rough for Trump because today he had to wipe his mouth with a napkin instead of a $20.

There is video footage of the drug kingpin El Chapo changing his shoes right before his escape. Apparently authorities didn't notice El Chapo was lacing up a pair of Nike Tunnel Runners. It's a special brand they have.

Obama said that education is the key to reducing the prison population. Apparently power tools also work.

A Texas couple's car was stolen a month ago. Yesterday it was found and it had been upgraded. There was a new drive shaft, three new wheels, and 30 bags of meth in it. That is what happens when someone who sells meth steals your car. When someone who sells weed steals your car, it comes back full of Taco Bell wrappers and two tickets to the Grateful Dead reunion.

This Date In History: 1821; Spain ceded Florida to the United States. 1898; Spain surrendered to the United States at Santiago, Cuba, ending the Spanish-American War.

1917; The British royal family changed its name from the House of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to Windsor amid anti-German senitment during World War I. 1938; "Wrong Way Corrigan" took off from New York, purportedly aiming for California and landing in Ireland.

1945; President Harry Truman, Soviet leader Joseph Stalin and British Prime Minister Winston Churchill meet at the opening of the Potsdam Conference. 1955; Disneyland opened in Anaheim, Calif.

1975; The American Apollo and Soviet Soyuz spacecraft linked up for the first time. 1998; The last Russian Czar Nicholas II was buried 80 years after he and his family were executed by the Bolsheviks.

Picture Of The Day: My son and I heading to our fishing spot in the Florida Everglades.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) During my first marriage, our clergyman advised us to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife still got pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. 2) I tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again. I gotta quit drinking while I'm cooking. 3) I have not been able to figure out why is there is an expiration date on sour cream. 4) When Brother Kirt and I were young, we liked to play in the sandbox, but the cat kept covering us up. 5) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which, I guess, is why several members of the family died of the measles.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 17th: Fridays are great and you've got a job. That's what's important. It gets even better! The Bachelor of Arts degree you have will move you from the deep fryer to MacDonalds manager soon. Chances of romance are 91.5 percent.

Birthdays: Elbridge Gerry, American statesman, Vice President of the United States 1744, John Jacob Astor merchant 1763, Erle Stanley Gardner, detective story writer 1889, Berenice Abbot, photographer 1898, Donald Sutherland, actor 1934.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, "I'll go right now."

So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras. She asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "I'd love to little lady, but my wife's waiting for me up in the room."

A new study has revealed that the reading level of presidential speeches has dropped significantly over the last 200 years. Or as some Americans put it, "Why dat be?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring, I know dis u firs time and you frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, jus anyting you want. Whatchu want?"

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want...numba 69"

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asks, "You wanna Kung Pao chicken wif broccori?"

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless.

The King exclaimed, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?" Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe."

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. King Arthur said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal "short arm" inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless……..

That's it for today, my little doodlebugs. Remember, there aren't enough love songs to describe the moment you see your luggage come out of that little tunnel at baggage claim. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Time To Get My Oil Checked

I had my yearly doctor's exam last week. He put on a glove and checked my oil, listened to my heart and took blood samples. We met today and he said I was a quart low, but overall, I was in good health for a man of 93.

He said, "Jimmy, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and with God?" I told him, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go pee (poof!)....the light goes on. Then, when I'm finished (poof!)....the light goes off."

Later, while I was getting my next appointment, he talked to my girlfriend and asked about "the light". She said, "I've got to watch that old fool. He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

The News As I See It: The Obama administration announced a deal with Iran that would prevent the Iranians from making a nuclear weapon. In exchange, we're giving the Iranians Netflix.

Obama also announced that he is commuting the sentences of 46 prisoners, most of whom committed nonviolent crimes. Then those 46 convicts said, "Actually we already escaped, but thanks for thinking of us, Bro."

Mexico is offering a $3.8 million reward for information leading to the capture of the escaped billionaire drug lord, El Chapo. Mexico said they'll get the money by borrowing it from El Chapo.

Thousands of people across the country went skinny dipping last weekend in an attempt to break the 2009 world record of 13,648 skinny dippers. The sharks said, "Cool, they took the wrappers off of them."

Pope Francis, while he was in Bolivia last week, stopped off at a Burger King to change his clothes before Mass. I’m no expert, but I can assure you that’s the best thing that’s ever happened in a Burger King bathroom in Bolivia.

After 17 hours of negotiations, European leaders agreed early this morning to a tentative deal to resolve the debt crisis in Greece. Seventeen hours — or as Greeks call that, a workweek.

This Date In History: 1869; Margarine was patented in France by Hippolyte Mege Mouries. 1870; Georgia became the last of the Confederate States to be readmitted to the Union. 1918; The Second Battle of the Marne began during World War I.

1940; The world's tallest man (8 feet, 11.1 inches), Robert Wadlow, died. 1948; John J. Pershing, whose leadership in World War I earned him the title General of the Armies of the United States, died in Washington, DC.

1975; The Russian Soyuz and the U.S. Apollo launched. The Apollo-Soyuz mission was the first international manned spaceflight. 2010; After 86 days of gushing oil into the Gulf of Mexico and several previous attempts to contain the flow, BP caps its leaking oil well.

Picture Of The Day: My cable has been out all day. Has the wicked witch of the west created more havoc today?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Saying it's McDonald's fault because your kids are fat is like saying it's Hooter's fault because your husband likes big tits.  2) The strange thing about men who hang out in bars is they have only one of two reasons to be there. They either have no wife to go home to...or they do. 3) On a traffic light yellow means yield, green means go and red means stop. On a banana, it's just the opposite. Yellow means go ahead, green means stop and red means you're holding an apple. 4) As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia 5) I'm seriously considering telling the Centers for Disease Control that I think I have Ebola, so they'll clean my house.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 15th: Alas, the morning will be useless but buck up my friends, the evening will go very well. Most of your dreams will come true over the coming weekend, so prepare for wealth, love and the chance of romance is 87.63 percent.

You may think later this week that your computer has been hacked by your sexy 22 year old neighbor, Marie, but you will soon come to realize that, in actuality, a ferret has chewed through the cord of your mouse.

Birthdays: Rembrandt, Dutch painter, etcher, and draftsman 1606, Clement Moore, poet 1779, Mother Cabrini, nun 1850, Iris Murdoch, writer 1919.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in an adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." The old lady continued, "So, where were you all these years?" The man says, "In prison."

The old lady asked, "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." The old woman said, "Oh! So you're single...?!"

A man and woman were in divorce court awaiting the judge's ruling on the financial and property settlement. The judge said, "Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $750 a week."

Mr Clark said, "That's very fair, your honor, and every now and then, I'll try to give her a few bucks, myself."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

An old drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I just love ballerinas." The woman stares at the drunk and replies angrily, "I'm not a ballerina!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.

The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me."

The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."

Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex five days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."

That's it for today, my little moon pies. Remember, an ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated, which is kinda funny 'cause so does my Uncle. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Here Kitty Kitty

 

My cat, Samantha, has several places to hide and sleep. I know most of them, but as any cat owner knows, there are some that I cannot find. Normally, she naps in the known places. When she's in trouble, that's when she's impossible to find.

Today, Sam decided that she would taste my strawberry soda and she knocked the glass on the floor covering everything in red, shards of glass everywhere. As per my usual, I yelled and she ran. Fifteen minutes of cleaning later, she strolls in out of nowhere and quizzically looks around.

That's the norm in the animal world. Dogs have that guilty look and the "I'm sorry" face and cats look at you like it's your fault.

Congratulations to Kyle Bush on his win at Kentucky Speedway Saturday night. Coming off severe leg injuries at Daytona in February, this is Bush's second win since the accident

The News As I See It: Start-up New York ostensibly helps you start, expand or relocate your qualified business to a tax-free zone in New York State with zero taxes for 10 years. What it fails to mention is that New York is one of the highest taxed states in the nation. Residents and businesses moved out in droves and the state is trying to attract new blood to feed on.

Starbucks allows their employees to display tattoos and ear gauges. Those are the round plugs that some people put in their ear lobe to let the world know their dads never played catch with them.

This Date In History: 1533; Pope Clement VII excommunicated England's King Henry VIII. 1804; Former vice president Aaron Burr fatally wounded former secretary of the treasury Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Hamilton died the following afternoon.

1864; Confederate general Jubal A. Early and his troops attacked Washington, DC. They retreated the next day, ending the Confederate threat to occupy the capital. 1914; Babe Ruth made his major league baseball debut as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox.

1977; Martin Luther King was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his work to advance civil rights. 1989; Actor Laurence Olivier died. 1995; The United States and Vietnam established full diplomatic relations.

2011; The News of the World, a British newspaper owned by Rupert Murdoch, closes after several allegations that the paper's journalists hacked into voicemail accounts belonging to not only a 13-year-old murder victim, but also the relatives of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Picture Of The Day: Singer Ariana Grande has had to apologize twice after making insulting comments about Americans and inapprpriate behavior at a local Duncam Donuts.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to "Until debt do us part". 2) All of my computer passwords are protected by Old Timer's disease. 3) When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5. 4) Some people have things called wrinkles which are similar to my character lines. 5) I had a paper route when I was a kid. Every morning I would go to 300 houses or two dumpsters, depending on the weather.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 13th: Although you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, bear in mind that you can catch even more flies with manure. Take the time to shave closely tonight as the evening is showing signs of becoming memorable. Chance of romance is partly cloudy with a chance of reins, a whip and handcuffs .

Birthdays: Nathan Bedford Forrest, general 1821, Isaac Babel, writer 1894, Wole Soyinka, playwright, poet, novelist, essayist, and political activist 1934, Patrick Stewart, director 1940, Harrison Ford, actor 1942, Cameron Crowe, director, screenwriter 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent."

She went on, "As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back and says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas, although still silent, smells terribly."

The doctor says, "Ok, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing.

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us."

The old explorer continued, " I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROAR!.......I just shit my pants."

The reporter said, "Wow! Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went 'ROAR!'"

 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it and circled. He drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "Where Am I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "You Are In A Helicopter."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to the Seattle/Tacoma airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You Are In A Helicopter" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an older woman walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son....."Go get your Mother."

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

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