North Korea conducted its fifth nuclear test with a blast more powerful than the Hiroshima bomb, giving them the ability to mount a warhead on a ballistic missile. Obama will probably draw another red line in the sand which was so successful in Syria.
North Korea's seemingly largest nuclear test caused a 5.3-magnitude seismic event and was described by South Korea as "maniacal recklessness".
Obama condemned the nuclear test, saying the US will never accept North Korea as a nuclear state and vowed to push for new international sanctions.
He was earlier briefed while on Air Force One as he returned from a trip to Asia, warning of "serious consequences" for the secretive country.
Therein lies the problem. China is hesitant to put much pressure for fear that any more pressure might cause North Koreans to flee into China, a situation that China does not want or need.
As for Obama, he drew a red line in the sand in Syria, which Syria promptly ignored and Obama did nothing. Much like the bantam rooster, Obama crows a lot but is not inclined to back up his rhetoric with military action.
Apple launched a new phone with no headphone jack, making it ideal for enjoying the free U2 album. It is water-resistant, has stereo sound and a better camera but it doesn't have that one feature that I want: affordability.
The News As I See It: Football started Thursday night with the Denver Broncos playing their first game since Peyton Manning retired. Trevor Siemian took his place and before kickoff, Peyton put his arm around Trevor's shoulder, looked into his eyes and said, "You know, starting today, you can get two medium Papa John's pizzas for $6."
The use of marijuana by older Americans has skyrocketed. It is up 455 percent since 2002 — which, of course, is the year Oprah made it one of her Favorite Things.
Among seniors 65 and older, monthly marijuana use is up 333 percent. That's just Willie Nelson.
Jessica Alba’s Honest Company is selling "bipartisan diapers" featuring the Democratic donkey and Republican elephant holding hands. Because at the end of the day, both Republicans and Democrats are basically full of the same thing.
This Date In History: 1893;
President Grover Cleveland's daughter, Esther Cleveland, became the first president's child to be born in the White House.
1926;
The National Broadcasting Company (NBC) was created by the Radio Corporation of America.
1948;
The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea) was created.
1956;
Elvis Presley appeared on television for the first time on The Ed Sullivan Show.
1976;
Communist Chinese leader Mao Zedong died in Beijing at age 82.
Picture Of The Day: Obama threatened Syria, drawing a red line as to what Syria could not do during it's uprising. Syria did it anyway and Obie did nothing
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
2) I just got a text saying they lost my cell number and asked if could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with. 3) Adulthood is like the vet and we're like the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we're going. 4) I was getting on a plane to New York and I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York and send the other one to Los Angeles." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" 5) I have found that the phrase "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up" doesn't have much impact at a bar.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 9th: Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are embarrassing, but often clear up on their own. Chin up and forward, the day will brighten, but bring an umbrella, just in case.
Birthdays: Luigi Galvani, physician 1753, William Bligh, British admiral 1737 Joseph Leidy, scientist 1823, Leo Tolstoy, Russian novelist and philosopher 1828, Otis Redding, singer, songwriter 1941, Michael Keaton, actor 1951, Hugh Grant, actor 1960, Adam Sandler, comedian, musician, actor 1966.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. The little boy asked, "Mommy, what are all those ladies doing?" His mother replied, "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work."
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" His mother answered, "They become cab drivers."
Two Louisiana boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?"
The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves? By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."
There were three boys all in fifth grade, an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a Southern boy. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. He said, "I know, we can play, 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee'". The southern boy asked, "How do you play that?" The Spanish boy said, "It's easy. We can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. The Spanish boy said, "Alright, Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner.
So the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's.
As the southern boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. "You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the southern boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?" The boy said, "Yep! I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a southerner." His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
That's it for today, my little bean sprouts. Remember,an apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Another Labor Day's has passed, the kids are back in school and we grudgingly give up the weekend and go back to work. It's hump day and we all look forward to next weekend. Oh, and the government made its regular Labor Day bad news document dump late Friday.
The government morons have yet to grasp that we live in the times of instant news. They dump and in 30 minutes, it's all over the Internet.
The latest FBI report on Hillary Clinton's emails was put out the Friday before Labor Day. You couldn't hide that news more if you welded it inside a lead capsule and fired it into the heart of the sun.
One of the big revelations of this latest email dump is that Secretary Clinton didn't use just one smart phone in office as she originally claimed, she used up to 13 different mobile devices in four years.
Madam Secretary, tell the truth. Are you a crack dealer? Because I can't figure out why else you would need 13 phones.
I have a plan to permanently bench Colin Kaepernick, the moron who refuses to stand for the national anthem. My plan will keep him on the bench forever.....
The News As I See It: Obama flew to China for Labor Day because he wanted to see where American labor went. There was a bit of a rough patch at the beginning of the meeting, when Chinese officials wouldn't let Obama get off Air Force One using the red carpet staircase. See? Even the Chinese are not impressed with Barry.
Apple is supposed to unveil the latest iPhone, which will reportedly do away with the traditional headphone jack. This is convenient, the included ear buds will come "pre-lost."
Another "World's Oldest Man" has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
This Date In History: 1822;
Brazil declared its independence from Portugal.
1901;
The Boxer Rebellion in China officially ended with the signing of the Peking Protocol (Peace of Beijing).
1940;
Nazi Germany began its initial blitz on London during World War II.
1979;
The Entertainment and Sports Programming Network (ESPN) made its debut on cable TV.
1986;
Desmond Tutu became the first black to lead the Anglican Church in southern Africa.
Picture Of The Day: One of the best, Gene Wilder. Rest in peace.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
2) For the Pokemon fanatics, one day you'll look up from your cell phone and realize your kids put you in a nursing home. 3) Note to young parents. Please remember to put your screaming baby on vibrate. 4) I wonder who Rose is going to kill in Titanic 2. 5 Back in the day, my son asked what it's like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except for one song.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 7th: A potential mate will come to you today and will affect your self confidence. Bizarrely, you will attempt a counter-strike by sharpening your pencils. Do not stick the pencil in your ear.
On another note, did you wake up in under the swing set again? Don't let your drinking get you down, go and have a beer.
Birthdays: Elizabeth I, queen of England (1558–1603) 1533, Grandma Moses, painter 1860, Elinor Wylie, poet and novelist 1885, Edith Sitwell, poet and critic 1887, Taylor Caldwell, novelist 1900, Elia Kazan, director, writer, actor 1909, Peter Lawford, actor 1923, Buddy Holly, singer 1936.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. Johnny said, "Why do you do that, mommy?" His mother replied, "To make myself beautiful."
His mother then began removing the cream with a tissue. Little Johnny said, "What's the matter, Mom? Giving up?"
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.
After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing.
He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" They both answered, "George had two assholes."
The mortician said, "What? How could he have two assholes?" Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns?"
The other man said, "Do you mean a rose?" The man said, "Yes, that's the one."
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
A lady walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".
Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."
That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, if you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a shotgun for the rear window of your pickup truck. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Labor Day is celebrated on the first Monday in September. It honors the American labor movement, assuming you have a job. It's considered the unofficial end of summer unless you live in Miami. Well, there's still 3-4 months of "Hope and Change" remaining.
As for me, I hooked up my new printer today. You may not see that as no big deal, but when you have bad eyes, a short temper and two cats supervising every step of your progress, you realize it was a major achievment.
That said, I hope everyone is having a great weekend.....
The News As I See It: Donald Trump gave a big speech on immigration and during the speech, he said that Mexico is 100% going to pay for his, quote, "beautiful border wall." Mexicans were like, "Wait, you never said it was going to be beautiful. Who do we write the check out to?"
In France, a shipment that was supposed to contain orange juice actually contained a massive shipment of cocaine. Either way, a great way to start your morning.
This Date In History: 1698;
Russia's Peter the Great levied a tax on bearded men.
1774;
The first Continental Congress met in Philadelphia.
1836;
The Republic of Texas made military hero Sam Houston its first president.
1905;
The Treaty of Portsmouth, which ended the Russo-Japanese War, was signed at the Portsmouth naval base in New Hampshire.
1972;
Palestinian guerrillas killed 11 Israelis at the Munich Summer Olympics.
1997;
Humanitarian Mother Teresa, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for her work with the poor, died in Calcutta, India, at age 87.
Picture Of The Day: This just struck me as funny.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A man just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof. 2) If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just go to KFC and buy dinner? 3) Women "say" that they don't need men anymore, but just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars. 4) I'd love to have a sex change, preferably from "none" to "shitloads". 5) At my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was, so I finally told them the dingo ate her.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 5th: Half of what I say is meaningless, the other half is pure gold. The trick here is to ascertain which half. Hell, flip a coin. That's what I usually do.....
Birthdays: Louis XIV, king of France (1643–1715), son and successor of King Louis XIII 1638, Jesse James, outlaw 1847, Mrs. H. H. A. Beach, composer and pianist 1867, Darryl F. Zanuck, producer 1902, Arthur Koestler, writer 1905, John Cage, composer 1912, Bob Newhart, comedian 1929.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It just died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
The blonde says, "So, what's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
A policeman is doing his usual rounds just before midnight when he passes a parking lot and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver’s seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine.
The officer knocks on the driver’s window and asks what’s going on. The guy replies,"Listening to music." Pointing to the girl in the back seat, the cop asks,"And what’s she doing?" The guy says, "Reading a magazine, of course."
The officer asks, "How old are you?" The guy answers, "I’m 23."
The officer says,"And how old is she?" The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well, in 11 minutes she’ll be 18."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest. The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked." The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys."
The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner." The priest says, "Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."
The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in going, "Wait!" The priest says, "What’s wrong?!"
The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Sister Nancy sticks her ass in it."
A woman had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed. She went to a plastic surgeon and asks the doctor, "I can't get rid of these bags, can you help me?"
The doctor told he is willing to try a new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes, she is to use the crank and the bags will go away.
She gets the crank put in her head and leaves.
It works for a while until one day, she can't get rid of the bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can, but they just wont go away.
So she goes to the doctor.
She says to the doctor, "This was working for a while, but I can't seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies, "Those aren't bags....those are your boobs." The woman replied, "I guess that explains this goatee."
That's it for today, my little nanny goats. Remember, you know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet and try to put your seatbelt on.
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Suppose your name was like an Internet screen name. Your given name must be unique. You attempt to use your given name and you're told that it's been taken. So you have to choose another or add a number like Moe33. What name would you chose?
This is not an easy task and a lot of thought should be put into your decision. Take the case of a man named Harry Lipschitz who went before a judge to legally change his name. The judge said, "I can see the reasoning behind your desire to change your name, sir. What would you like to change it to?" Harry said, "Murray Lipschitz."
How about a nifty nickname? I don't mean the obvious uses like "Jimmy" in lieu of "James" or "Kate" in lieu of "Katherine", but a really cool nickname. You know, like "Bugsy" or "Scarface" or even more complex, like "Tony the tiger" or "Eric the red".
I have always liked the name "Michael" for some reason and that is the name I would choose. I haven't rowed any boats ashore but if that job were available, I'd be one of the possible applicants.
If I had a nickname, I'd like the name "Lefty". It wouldn't make much sense since I'm right-handed, but I've never heard of anyone nicknamed "Righty."
Life isn't always kind and some names don't seem to have been well thought out by some parents. The Harry Harrisons, Tommy Thompsons, Willie Williams and Johnnie Johnsons of the world are all well aware of that fact.
So, here's the deal my wily little journal readers, what would you name yourself if you couldn't have your current first name? Additionally, what would you choose as a nickname?
The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are more unpopular than ever. So this election is kind of like asking people if they’d rather have chlamydia or gonorrhea.
Donald Trump made a surprise trip to Mexico for a meeting with the country’s president, Enrique Peña Nieto. The Mexican president said that he told Trump that Mexico would not pay for the wall, while Trump says they never discussed who would pay for it. In Trump's defense, who has ever gone down to Mexico and remembered what they did?
A reporter went through Hillary Clinton’s schedule while she was secretary of state and found that she and Bill were often away from each other, and sometimes even on different continents. When asked why they didn’t try to coordinate their schedules, Hillary said, "We did."
This Date In History: 1666;
The great fire of London broke out, destroying much of the city, including St. Paul's Cathedral.
1789;
The U.S. Treasury Department was established.
1901;
Vice President Theodore Roosevelt gave his "speak softly and carry a big stick" speech, regarding foreign policy, at the Minnesota State Fair.
1945;
Japan's formal surrender in World War II was celebrated as Victory over Japan (V-J) Day.
1963;
Alabama governor George Wallace prevented the racial integration of Tuskegee High School by encircling the building with state troopers.
1969;
North Vietnamese president Chi Minh died.
Picture Of The Day: Just think, in a few months, Barry Soetero will just be another Chicago thug.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I childproofed my home but the little bastards are still getting in.
2) Drinking and sex makes you alert and ready to face the world. It's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast. 3) By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarfs began to suspect "Hungry". 4) Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. 5) We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 2nd: Live like you want and you will part this world a happier person, although there's a chance that you may spend a good deal of your life in jail. Your lucky horse for today is Sombrero's Lid.
Birthdays: Liliuokalani, last reigning queen of the Hawaiian Islands 1838, Wilhelm Ostwald, physical chemist 1853, Andrew Grove, engineer, technology executive 1936, Peter V. Ueberroth, businessman 1937, Christa McAuliffe, astronaut, teacher 1948, Terry Bradshaw, football quarterback 1948, Keanu Reeves, actor 1964, Salma Hayek, actress 1966.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The boy asked, "Father Donovan, what is this? Father Donovan replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
Ernie, an old man says to his doctor, "Doc, I've lost my memory." Doctor Sims asked, "When did this begin, Ernie?" Ernie replied, "When did what begin?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. The other finalist was a boy who was going into the 8th grade for the 2nd time.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."
The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two, Destination -- Timbuktu."
The audience went wild! They wondered how the country boy could top that?
The clock started again and the boy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-huntin' went, Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
A young New York woman was so depressed
that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks,
a handsome young man stopped her.
The man said,"You have so much to live for. I'm a sailor and we're off to Europe tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship and I'll take care of you, bring you food every day,
and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she
had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small,
but comfortable, compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches
and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain
during a routine inspection. The captain asked, "What are you doing here?" She replied, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe." The captain said, "I see."
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "plus, he's screwing me." The captain said, "He certainly is. This is the Staten Island Ferry."
That's it for today, my little sweet peas. Remember, a true dilemma is when your fifteen-year-old daughter brings home a guy with a rainbow colored Mohawk hairdo, but your garden is already completely full of corpses. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Scooter is now an obnoxious teenager and eats or destroys everything he encounters. Yet, once he tires, he always sits wherever I am, curls up, purrs and takes a nap. When he does, Sam and I nap, as well. It's the only peace we get.
When he awakens, his first trek is to the food dish and then off for his wind sprints around the house, He cares not who (or what) he runs over, he just has fun. Sam hisses and I yell, but to no avail.
Besides breaking glasses and dishes, Scooter also managed to chew through the cable of my web cam, rendering it useless. I got it as a gift from a Nascar executive and, although it isn't very expensive, it worked well.
It won't be long, however, for his visit to the vet to be neutered. Although I'm hoping that this slows him down a bit, previous vet trips with different cats show me that it won't slow him down too much.
Until then, the house will remain in disarray and Sam and I will still be frustrated.....
The News As I See It: Pope Francis met with Mark Zuckerberg at the Vatican, and it was revealed that the Pope doesn’t actually have an official Facebook account. In other words, he wants to connect with millions of Catholics worldwide, just not the ones he went to high school with.
Anthony Weiner is back in the news with another sexting scandal. He's like the Michael Phelps of sexting. He keeps saying he's going to retire, but every four years he's back.
This November, Californians get to vote on whether or not to legalize recreational marijuana. They can either forget to vote in person, or forget to vote by mail.
Kim Jong Un reportedly threw a huge outdoor dance party on Thursday to celebrate the successful test of North Korea's ballistic missile. Residents described the party as fun, exciting, and mandatory.
This Date In History: 1887
Thomas Edison received a patent for his "Kinetoscope," and moving pictures were born.
1888
Mary Ann Nicholls, considered to be Jack the Ripper's first victim, was found murdered in London.
1962
Trinidad and Tobago gained independence from Great Britain.
1980
Poland's Solidarity labor movement had its beginnings when an agreement ending a 17-day strike was signed in Gdansk.
1994
Russia officially ended its military presence in the former East Germany and the Baltic states.
1997
Princess Diana and her companion Dodi al-Fayed were killed in a car accident in Paris.
2012
Armenia severed diplomatic relations with Hungary, after the pardoning of Ramil Safarov. In 2004, Safarov was convicted of killing an Armenian soldier.
Picture Of The Day: The kitten has grown.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Have you ever noticed that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and blaming it on society?
2) Kentucky Hallmark Card: "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad." 3) You know your choice of your HMO is questionable when directions to the doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park". 4) I got a postcard from a blonde girlfriend of mine. It said, "Having a good time. Where am I?" 5) If I take the Ginko, I might be able to remember where I put the Viagra.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 31st: The stars are aligned for you today and if you ever enjoyed the antics of "Soupy Sales", you're in for a treat. Additionally, it's "hump day" so you've got two good reasons to have a great evening. Chance of romance is 64.71 percent. Do not attempt to fry bacon in the nude.
Birthdays: Georg Jensen, silversmith 1866 Wilhelmina, queen 1880 Alan Jay Lerner, lyricist and librettist 1918 Van Morrison, singer, songwriter 1945 Itzhak Perlman, concert violinist 1945 Richard Gere, actor 1949
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. The reporter asks, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?"
She said, thoughtfully, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard and I don't smoke or drink." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady replied, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your paper."
Two cows were grazing on the side of a hill and one turned to the other and said, "Mooo." The other cow replied, "Damn, I was just going to say that."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
Dear Sirs: "While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg band and I wanted to tell you that it tasted like shit."
The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service."
Thieves robbed and bound a Miami man yesterday. They gagged him with a piece of rope and covered his eyes with masking tape. He was able to chew through the rope after two hours of trying. His inspiration came from remembering his wife's pot roast.
That's it for today, my little moon pies. Remember, sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More on Friday.
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