Who In The Hell Is Louis Vuitton And Why Is He Trying To Bankrupt Me ?

It was a Sunday morning sometime in the early 1980s and I was in the kitchen pouring my morning cup of coffee when my wife entered. Somewhat hungover from the previous evening's escapades, I was not looking forward to whatever Sunday family activity she had surely concocted. Then, the God of Sports intervened as my wife asked if I minded if she and the children go to Miami Beach to see a movie and "do a little shopping."

Trying hard to conceal my elation, I told my wife that it was a great idea and I thought she and the children would surely enjoy it. When she asked if I would go with them, I explained that I was feeling poorly after last evening and would rather stay home to recover. With an understanding smile, she quickly rounded up the herd and off they went to Miami Beach.

Miraculously recovered from my Saturday night maladies, I began organizing for the afternoon Miami Dolphin football game which I would watch without interruption by woman or child. The beer was chilled, potato chips at the ready and I was wearing my favorite Miami Dolphin hat. Let the games begin!

Flash forward to the beginning of the second half of the Dolphins game. Its a very close game, the score is tied and I am halfway finished with Budweiser #3. The phone rings and I answer it. It is my wife who asks, "Would you mind if I purchased a purse?" I reply, "Fine, go ahead." She explains, "It's a Louis Vuitton. It's really nice and it comes with matching accessories." I answer, "Ok."

The Dophins are on the 15 yard line and a quick pass is caught by the receiver. He is tackled on the seven yard line. First and goal! I reach into the cooler for Budweiser #4 as my wife continues, "It even has a matching key ring and you can lock the purse." I say, "Honey, I'm watching the game! Buy the purse!"

The dolphins score and lead by seven points as the third quarter ends. I get up and go to the bathroom to eliminate Budweisers one, two and three. Pensive, I wonder why my wife was so detailed about buying a stupid purse. What the hell could it cost? Fifty dollars? One hundred dollars? Whatever!

It is the waning moments of the fourth quarter and the Dolphins are comfortably ahead. Somewhere in the middle of Budweiser #6, my recliner shifts back into cruise control and I fall asleep. Life is good!

I am awakened by a noise that sounds like a pack of wild hyenas who have just discovered a kill and are fighting each other for the remains. As I sit up and peer into the kitchen, it is just my wife and kids, now accompanied by my mother-in-law, who have just returned from Miami Beach. The God of Sports, his task now complete, abandons me to the voracious pack of hyen..., my family.

My head is now clearing and I remember the name....Louis Vuitton. Who in the hell is Louis Vuitton? My curiosity is now piqued and I go into the kitchen. I see a rather nondescript brown bag on the kitchen bar that appears to have been scribbled on by the children.

I ask my wife, "So, where is the famous new purse?" She replies, "There", pointing to the aforesaid brown purse. She continues, "Isn't it nice? Look at the things it comes with." She begins to show me all of the "extras". I ask, "How much was it?" She says, "I have to look at the receipts. They're in with the other things I bought. I'll show you later. By the way, I bought you a shirt." I ask again, "How much was it?"

I don't know who began this conspiracy to brainwash women into purchasing absolutely hideous items solely because of the brand name, but I assure you that if I find out, I will definitely shoot that person in both kneecaps. I eventually learned that my wife spent between $500 and $750 ( in the '80s!) for probably the ugliest purse I've ever seen. Even today, I still shudder when I hear the name, Louis Vuitton......Merde !

France is being accused of snubbing England by not sending an invitation to participate in the upcoming memorial of the June 6, 1944 Allied invasion of Normandy. Thus far, Barack Obama and French president Nicolas Sarkozy will walk along the beaches of Normandy to commemorate the Allied Landing. This distasteful snub by France would have been made in the German language if it had not been for the efforts of fallen American, English, Canadian and Australian troops, who were wounded or died on those Normandy beaches.

This Date In History: 1937; Having recently abdicated the British throne in order to marry the woman he loves, the Duke of Windsor, formerly Edward VIII, weds Wallis Simpson. 1989; The crushing of the Tiananmen Square Protest, in Beijing, by the People's Liberation Army sees hundreds killed. 1959; Singapore gains its independence from Britain, becoming a self-governing state in the Commonwealth of Nations.

1989; Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, leader of Iran's Islamic revolution, dies, sending millions of Iranians into the streets in mourning. 1965; Astronaut Edward White II becomes the first American to walk in space while carrying out an extra-vehicular activity aboard Gemini 4.

Picture Of The Day: One thing I will tell you is that I'm relatively good at finding graphics that go with the story lines of my entries. Finding funny Louis Vuitton graphics really pushed that envelope and it took me some time to come up with today's pictures. I hope you enjoy them.

Birthdays: Jefferson Davis, Confederate president 1808, Charles Drew, American surgeon 1904, Josephine Baker, American-born French dancer and singer 1906, Alain Resnais, French film director 1922, Allen Ginsberg, American poet 1926.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard is called Assmosis 2) My cat Possum was sitting next to me yesterday when he farted. He then looked around in bewilderment as to where the sound originated, finally looking at me as though I was the perpetrator. 3) While returning from a ski trip in Vail, Colorado a few of us conspired and put a woman's sex toy and a nail in a gift wrapped box and hid it in our friend's carry-on luggage. When our friend passed his bag through the x-ray machine, the alarm sounded and he was asked to open the box. Even he had to laugh at the joke although the female security attendant was not amused. 4) One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. 5) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Garnett for the following story.

Three Californian surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in California. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost several fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them and two years later he won a gold medal in track and field events at the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House.

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says, "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.

All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying, "In Cuba, we have Havanas, the best cigars in the world. We have so many of them that we can just throw them away". Saying that, he throws the box of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

The American just smiles and stands up. Then he grabs the lawyer and throws him through the window.

That's it for today my little plaintiffs. It's Hump Day and I feel the need to visit AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !