April Fool !

April Fools! The Middle East crisis is still going strong. Everyone's trying to leave the area. Americans stuck in libya say they're frustrated because other countries seem to be evacuating their citizens faster. On the bright side, we're almost finished evacuating New Orleans.

A Libyan soldier's life was saved when he was given a Libyan rebel's heart in a heart transplant operation. The soldier is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself. The farmers there are feeding their cattle healthier food to reduce the amount of gas they produce. They say they won’t fall for the old "pull my hoof" trick.

The News As I See It: President Obozo didn’t throw any first pitches for Major League Bseball's opening day. Of course, he did throw us that curveball on Libya. Obozo’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.

In an interview with ABC, President Obozo said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like, "Call this number and tell them Nancy sent you."

Over a million female employees are suing Walmart claiming that women are paid less than men. Walmart denied the claim, saying they underpay all their employees equally.

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

This Week In History: 1789; Frederick Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania was elected the first Speaker of the House of Representatives. 1933; The Nazi persecution of Jews began in Germany with a boycott of Jewish businesses. 1945; American forces landed on Okinawa during World War II.

1960; The first U.S. weather satellite, TIROS-1, was launched from Cape Canaveral. 1970; President Nixon signed a bill into law banning cigarette ads from radio and television. 1976 Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs founded Apple Computer. 1979; Ayatollah Khomeini proclaimed the establishment of the Islamic Republic of Iran.

2001; Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic arrested on corruption charges. 2003; Pvt. Jessica Lynch was rescued by U.S. commandos in a raid on an Iraqi hospital. 2004; President Bush signed the "Laci Peterson" bill making it a separate federal crime to harm a fetus during an attack on the mother.

Picture Of The Day:It's April Fools Day and when I look at the leaders of our country, almost any of them can be a poster child for this observance.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 2) All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors. 3) Everyone believes in heredity until their children act like fools. 4) An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. 5) Fools rush in - and get all the best seats......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aries - April 1st: Cartoons will flavor the day for you, today, giving you ideas and humor. Potato salesmen may call today and leave you a spud on your doorstep.This week may cause some problems for you as your secrets are shared across the Internet. The last few weeks have seemed like hell and there's little respite this week as you continue on your steamy voyage down the porcelain receptacle. Having a secret agenda is all very good, but posting it on your blog Internet is not advisable.

Ariens are probably due for a bit of a come-back. During the 90s and the early part of the 00s, Aries was often the sign that everyone else blamed for their collective misfortunes.Temptation looms high over the agenda today as you suddenly notice that the girl who works with you has rather a nice bottom and appears to make you need to stare at it.

Birthdays: My sweet Nicole. Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, William Harvey physician 1578, Otto Von Bismark statesman 1815, James Fiskfinancial speculator 1834, Edmond Rostand poet 1868, Toshiro Mifuneactor 1920, Milan Kundera writer 1929, Debbie Reynolds singer, dancer, actress 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A group of ladies from the Cottonwood Baptist Church got together each month to have lunch, each lady hosting on an alternating basis.When it came time for Alice to be the host, she wanted to outdo all the others.

Alice wanted to have mushroom-smothered steak, but mushrooms are expensive. Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed." She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So Alice decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Old Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Old Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Alice watched Old Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Alice even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed and socialized.

About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Alice's ear. She said, "Old Spot just died." Alice went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now", and he left.

The ladies were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know that fellow that ran over Old Spot never even stopped."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Three friends married women from different parts of the country. The first man married a woman from Alabama. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from South Dakota. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Nebraska. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

A man went fishing this morning, but after a short time, he ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. He thought, "Frogs are good bass bait." Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in his bait bucket.

Just then, he realized he had a problem. How was he going to release the snake without getting bit? So, he grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp. He released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, he felt a nudge at his foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

That's it for today my little lily pads. Thank God it's Friday! I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a terrific weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !