Grandfather

I have been researching my family history and have been able to trace my maternal ancestry to Paris, France. My relatives left Paris and came to the America in 1684. On my paternal Irish side, I have been able to trace back to 1740 here in America and the trail gets cold there. Of course, I have yet to finish checking out all the bars and the prison reports have not come back yet.

Probably one of the most important reasons why I wanted to trace my roots was because of my Grandfather Sullivan. He has long since passed and his birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The walks we used to take and the advice he used to give. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

The story I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was at the tender age of twelve. We were sitting in the back yard and he told me that, one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. He said, "Son, be sure you marry a good woman with small hands." I asked him, "Why small hands, Grandpa?" He looked at me, smiled and said, "It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

The News As I See It: 2012 celebrates the 75th anniversary of Social Security checks. For my younger readers who may not know what a Social Security check is, don't worry about it. You’ll never see one in your lifetime, anyway.

The price of coffee has hit a 34-year high. That is, except at Starbucks, where that overpriced crap they refer to as coffee has always been at a 34-year high....and served by a "barrista." Yeah? Well, in most restaurants, I just call them "waiter".

Katie Couric has announced that she’s leaving the CBS. Insiders think she may have been involved in dog-fighting. But, don’t worry about Katie. Word has it that she’s a shoo-in for the new voice of the Aflac duck.

News has it that Britney Spears is banning cookie dough ice cream and alcohol from her new tour or as Britney told her kids, "Breakfast is canceled, y’all!"

The man who invented the teleprompter has died at the age of 91. When President Obozo heard the news, he was speechless.

This Date In History: 1429; Joan of Arc entered the city of Orléans. She would end its months-long siege and would become known as the "Maid of Orléans." 1916; The Easter rebellion in Ireland ended with the surrender of Irish nationalists. 1945; American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp.

1978; Japan's Naomi Uemura, traveling by sled dog, became the first person to reach the North Pole alone. 1980; Film director Alfred Hitchcock died at age of 80. 1986; Pitcher Roger Clemens set a major league baseball record by striking out 20 batters in a regular nine-inning game. He repeated his feat in 1996.

1992; A Los Angeles jury acquitted four police officers accused of beating Rodney King. Massive rioting and looting ensued. 1997; The first joint U.S.-Russian space walk was made by Jerry Linenger and Vasily Tsibliyev from space station Mir.

Picture Of The Day: Okay, my grandfather really didn't advise me to marry a woman with small hands, but the white-haired gentleman in the suspenders with the chihuahua is indeed my Grandfather, La Curtis Sullivan. All of the pictures were taken while visiting my family in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. For reference, I'm the kid in the vertical striped shirt. The pictures were taken in 1958.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A stockbroker friend urged me to buy a stock that has almost tripled its value. Right! At my age I don't even buy green bananas. 2) I wish I knew a way to preserve the wilderness in the country and get rid of the jungle in the cities. 3) After my last argument with my ex-wife she told me, "I hope your next wife appreciates the improvements I've made in you." 4) A young hooker uses Vaseline to get it in and an old one uses PolyGrip to keep it in. 5) I can just about remembers every detail of my life story. The problem is that I can't remember how many times I've told the same person.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: The long and winding road will not necessarily lead you to Paul McCartney. However, nobody can stop you as you make that important break through this week. Any rumors you may have heard about a certain special someone may come true this week. Shallow puddles may deceive you today. Dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend, or a cat's best friend. Actually, dogs are totally flexible.

Birthdays: William Randolph Hearst, American journalist and publisher, born in San Francisco 1863, Sir Thomas Beecham, conductor 1879, Duke Ellington musician 1899, Hirohito, Japanese emperor 1901, Zubin Mehta, conductor 1936, Dale Earnhardt, auto racer 1951, Jerry Seinfeld, comedian 1955, Michelle Pfeiffer, actress 1958, Daniel Day-Lewis, actor 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old men were chatting in the park as they fed the pigeons. One said to the other, "My 70th birthday was yesterday and my wife gave me an SUV." The other guy responded, "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!" The first guy said, "Yep, it was a great gift......Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

An old Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed and said, "Son I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." His granson said, "But grandpa, I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "

The old Don said, "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da business, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to your watch and say 'Time's up?'"

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. He asks, "Mother, why is my elder brother named Big Bear?" His mother replied, "Your father and I were lying beside a beautiful stream and the handsome bear came to drink water. On that same night, your brother was conceived and we called him Big Bear.

The boy then asked "And why is my sister named Little Fawn?" His mother answered, "Your father and I were in the forest when we made her. There was a doe with a newborn baby deer. The baby fawn was the first thing we saw that evening and that is the name we gave your sister." The mother paused and then said to her son, "But tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why are you so curious?"

A handsome salesman walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She asked if she could help him.

The salesman said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The salesman then agreed and said, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is give 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month in living expenses."

That's it for today, my little sippy cups. Remember, a young person may know the rules but an older person knows the exceptions. I'm taking that thought to happy hour in AREA 51. Have a terrific weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !