Odds And Ends ~ Mostly Ends

Mahatma Gandhi, a famed maker of excellent rice, walked barefoot most of the time. This produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Every day on the evening news, you see a story about some street monkey car jacking someone's car, robbing a liquor store or shooting someone. What would you do if it happened to you? Here's the scenario:

You're walking with your spouse and two small children in the parking lot of a restaurant. Suddenly, a street monkey runs up to your wife, knocks her down, grabs her purse and runs, dragging your wife. You are armed with a Glock 45 and you are an expert shot. What do you do? Here are the answers:

Liberal: That's not enough information to answer the question. Is the man poor or oppressed? Does he speak English? Have I done any thing to inspire him to attack me? Have I violated his civil rights? Has society denied him justice? I need to debate this with friends to come up with a fair and unbiased decision.

Conservative: Boom! Stop or I'll shoot!

Southerner: Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! click..... (sounds of reloading), Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! (Daughter) "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those Winchester Silver Tips?"

On a sad note, my friend and reader Frances Lawson passed away last night after a long illness. Frances was a dear friend and I will miss her.

The News As I See It: Former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant over the weekend. The cool part about it was that they let him shoot the donor himself. Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries.

The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. Right! They're called taxi cabs.

Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, "So how do you explain a new season of 'Jersey Shore.'"

Tiger Woods did something unusual this weekend. He won a golf tournament. He is entered in the upcoming Masters Tournament. They say, to win, all he has to do is stay away from Ambien, Escalades and white hostesses at the Waffle House.

Pope Benedict XVI was in Cuba and everybody was excited. They raised a lot of money and bought him a brand-new 1955 Chrysler. The Pope is down there in Cuba to fire up the Catholics and to scout pitchers for the Yankees. He arrived in Cuba after visiting Mexico. He likes to spend spring break at Señor Frog's and took first place in the Wet Pope Hat Contest.

This Date In History: 1797; Nathaniel Briggs patented a washing machine. 1930; The cities of Constantinople and Angora changed names to Istanbul and Ankara, Turkey. 1939; The Spanish Civil War ended.

1941; Author Virginia Woolf drowned herself. 1979; Nuclear power plant accident at Three Mile Island, near Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. 2000; Supreme Court rules unanimously that an anonymous tip does not justify a stop-and-frisk action against a person.

Picture Of The Day: The eyes are the first to go....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You know your wife is going through menopause when you arrive and say, "Hi honey, I'm home" and your wife replies, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie F*cking Nelson." 2) I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. 3) I told one of my lady friends that I was born in Florida. She asked, "What part?" I said, "All of me." 4) Volvo, Video, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around. 5) Remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 28th: The mail delivery today is going to be lucky for you as no mystery package will arrive that is ticking, covered in mysterious powder or red-stamped Urgent. You will, however, receive all the normal bills. Chance of romance is gloomy, partly cloudy and the chance of rain will be high. Still, you may get lucky because your postman's getting a divorce.

Birthdays: Fra Bartolommeo, artist 1475, Maxim Gorky, writer 1868, August Busch, brewer 1899, Rudolf Serkin, pianist 1903, Dirk Bogarde, actor 1920, Nydia Velázquez, politician 1953, Reba McEntire, country singer 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. She asked, "What are you doing?" He replied, "Hunting Flies." She inquired, "Oh. ! Killing any?" He answered, "Yep, 3 males and 2 Females."

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

An old man met a fairy who said she would grant him one wish. He said, "I want to live forever." The fairy said, "Sorry, I'm not allowed to grant eternal life." He said, "Okay, then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!" She replied, "You're a crafty old bastard, aren't you!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Tom for his contribution to today's stories.

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

An elderly gentleman, very well dressed in a great looking suit, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an attractive young lady. The gentleman walks over and sits along side of her. He orders a drink, takes a sip, then turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the grocery store and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

Then the third old lady chipped in, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

That's it for today, my little kittens. Remember, today's humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself or my cat. Anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; an equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes: if a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use. I'm heading to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !