Pssst - Wanna Buy A Duck?

The local news always seems to have story about some bozo who was scammed out of 10 or 20 thousand dollars by someone who claimed he had a winning lottery ticket, but was afraid to cash it because he was in this country illegally. He was told that they would give a him a large sum of money (in cash and tax free) if he would assist them in claiming the money.

Since the scammee (for lack of a better word) would legally be in possession of the winning ticket, they required a "good faith" deposit in order to proceed with the transaction. They call an 800 number that was on the falsified ticket and, sure enough, a person answered in Spanish, gave the man the winning numbers of the winning ticket and told him the amount of money the ticket was worth. Once assured of the supposed value of the ticket, the scammee went to his bank and withdrew $20,000.

While both men were in the car, the crook took the scammee's money, put it in an envelope and put it in the glove compartment. He then excused himself to supposedly get some documents. When the crook did not return after a period of time, the scammee opened the glove compartment and took out the envelope. The money was gone.

In the evening news report, they portrayed the scammee as a poor soul who had been scammed out of his "life savings". In truth, the man was stupid, greedy and was willing to, and in the process of, committing a crime and breaking the law in order for some easy money. I also have serious doubts if the money was his life savings.

Sorry Jose, but it's against the law and you knew that. It's bad enough that you got scammed and attempted to break the law while attempting to aid and abet this crook, but you were crazy enough to go to the authorities. You can be sure that they won't be able to get your money back and all you succeeded in doing was to further embarrass yourself.

How To Start Each Day With A Positive Outlook: 1) Open a new file in your computer. 2) Name it '"Barack Hussein Obama". 3) Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4) Empty the Recycle Bin.

Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Hussein Obama?" Firmly Click "Yes".

Feel better? Great! - Wednesday we'll do Rush Limbaugh and Nancy Pelosi.

The News As I See It: It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn't pretend to care about you.

Obama, in a speech on Wall Street last week, compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He's got the proper shading and he's created a lot of jobs in India.

Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.

A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was not conducted at the DMV.

This Date In History: 1770; The Boston Massacre, a pre-Revolutionary incident that grew out of anger towards British troops, occurred. Five anti-British rioters were killed. 1933; In the last free elections in Germany until after World War II, the Nazi Party received 44% of the vote.

1946; Winston Churchill delivered his famous Iron curtain speech, "From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic, an Iron Curtain has descended across the continent." 1953; Soviet dictator Josef Stalin died at age 73, after 29 years in power.

1963; Patsy Cline, Cowboy Copas, and Hankshaw Hawkins were killed in a plane crash. 1997; North and South Korean representatives met for the first time in 25 years for peace talks.

Picture Of The Day: The way that eye see it.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The National Schizophrenics Convention is next week. Anybody who's everybody will be there! 2) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 3) People who complain about the way the ball bounces are usually the ones that dropped it. 4) I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. 5) Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 5th: There's a good opportunity heading your way assuming you continue to walk a straight line. Of course, this excludes any happy hour meetings which are important. Chances of romance are 36.43 percent. It will rise higher if you make that deal. Decline offers of free block cheese.

Birthdays: Antoine Cadillac, founder of Detroit 1658, Charles Goodnight, cattleman 1836, Lady Augusta Gregory, dramatist 1859, Rosa Luxemburg, revolutionary 1871, Rex Harrison, actor 1908.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

An old cowboy walked into a drug store and directly to the pharmacy. He said to the pharmacist, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

The pharmacist said, "Would you like a paper bag?" The old cowboy replied, "Nah...she ain't that ugly."

There was a loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. He asked, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" The little girl replied, "Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his girlfriend Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot. Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!" Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

That's it for today, my little apple tarts. Remember, honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !