We Now Return You To Your Regularly Scheduled Program

I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that the Democratic and Republican conventions have ended. It's bad enough that every politician lies like a dog and has a personal agenda, but they totally disrupted my regularly programmed crap that I am accustomed to watching.

Beside the incredible amount of self praise and truth twisting, you have to put up with contrived media interpretations of what everybody says. Add the non-stop idiot celebrity endorsements and the end result is a two week giant pile of crap that is impossible to digest.

You can count on future conventions becoming smaller and less coverage by television. In this day and age of instant information via the Internet, conventions are sure to be heading in the direction of the horse and buggy.

The News As I See It: Bill Clinton said that Obama inherited a deeply damaged economy. If Obama's re-elected he'll inherit an even more deeply damaged economy. They had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall. They worked on it, but they still couldn't get Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow.

Michelle Obama said the first car Barack picked her up in was so old, you could see ground below them. Coincidentally, Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt's helicopter.

Last week at the Republican convention, no one mentioned the Tea Party. If it wasn't for Ann Romney, no one at the Republican convention would have mentioned Mitt.

Scarlett Johansson and Eva Longoria spoke at the Democratic convention. This means that Obama has all about clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote.

Happy birthday to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who recently turned 50 years old. They had a cake for him. He blew out the candles and then wished for another cake.

The stoner comedy duo Harold and Kumar are starring in a new promo for the Democratic convention alongside Obama, which is pretty impressive. The only other person to go from smoking pot with buddies to the White House is Obama.

It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing — yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges...and that's just the tap water.

Two California Democratic delegates were kicked out of DNC for getting drunk. One passed out and the other was accused of impersonating a member of Congress. They knew he wasn't a real member of Congress because he was buying his drinks with his own money.

This Date In History: 1822; Brazil declared its independence from Portugal. 1901; The Boxer Rebellion in China officially ended with the signing of the Peking Protocol (Peace of Beijing). 1940; Nazi Germany began its initial blitz on London during World War II.

1979; The Entertainment and Sports Programming Network (ESPN) made its debut on cable TV. 1986; Desmond Tutu became the first black to lead the Anglican Church in southern Africa.

Picture Of The Day: Personally, I'd rather be fishing.....
 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can start a fire with two sticks...as long as one of them is a match. 2) My GPS keeps saying, "Go back 30 years and enter law school. 3) I've seen recent photos from the Mars rover Curiosity and I'm amazed it could find wireless coverage. It probably freeloaded off some nearby wandering alien with an unsecured wi-fi. 4) If trendy nightclubs have taught me anything, it's that I really overpaid for Irish dance lessons. 5) "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying my bills.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 7th: When in danger, you have a tendency to run away. Coincidentally, so do I. Harness that ability this weekend as you'll need it sometime in the afternoon. Don't ask me which day, I make this stuff up as I go along.

Birthdays: My sister-in-law Regi - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Elizabeth I, queen of England (1558–1603) 1533, Grandma Moses painter 1860, Elinor Wylie poet and novelist 1885, Edith Sitwell poet and critic 1887, Taylor Caldwell novelist 1900, Elia Kazan director, writer, actor 1909, Peter Lawford actor 1923, Buddy Holly singer 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house to chop wood.

Guests arrive and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and she unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, "What you friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children if I pay him fifty dollars?" The bum replies, "Well, I don't know." He turns to his friend and shouts, "Hey Willie! Would you chop off another toe for fifty dollars?"

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking. Jack asked, "What's wrong?" The guy answered, "I've been transferred to New Orleans, Louisiana. They're crazy people in New Orleans. They have shootings, rapes, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs.....the highest crime rate."

Jack said, "Hold on. I've lived there all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" Jack said, "Me? I'm the tail gunner on a Bud Lite truck."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!" The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. They soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions.

The teacher asked, "What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" Larry immediately replied, "Legs!" The teacher asked, "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" Little Larry replied, "Pockets!" The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Put him in third grade, I missed those last two questions!"

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his new electric train set. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who are getting off, get the hell off now and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on 'cause we're leaving right now."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but you must use nicer language."

Two hours later, Her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are getting off the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you will ride with us again."

He continued, "For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

That's it for today, my little grape nuts. Remember, the secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures. I'm going to use Obama's excuse and blame Bush. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !