Vegetables Have Feelings Too !

I must admit that I was strictly a meat and potatoes kid and the only vegetables I liked were potatoes, corn, green beans and, oddly enough, spinach. The mere sight of cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower or asparagus made me wrench. If I entered the house and there was a putrid smell in the air, it meant that Dad was on the toilet or Mom was boiling collard greens (sometimes, it was both).

The fortunate part about my relationship with vegetables came with the help from a few special ladies who introduced me to the particular veggies I wasn't fond of. Their variations on vegetable dishes enlightened me and induced me to try new dishes, most of which I enjoyed. Moreover, I found out that some vegetables have uses I never imagined.

Unfortunately, there are some vegetables that have no use at all in this world namely asparagus and even worse, asparagus served with liver. I can't begin to tell you the horrible ways I got rid of those meals.

The most useful way, and a favor I'll never forget, was my dog Beannie, who learned to catch meat in midair when tossed his way. Interchanging tossing him some liver, then tossing him some asparagus, worked like a charm although the dog face he made as he swallowed the asparagus whole before realizing it tasted like shit was classic.

Still, today I eat most all vegetables prepared in many ways and I'm glad that I do. I'm also grateful to the ladies who showed me the way along those who helped me with the vegetables.....

The News As I See It: O.J. Simpson has been arrested in prison. He was caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. Do you get the feeling that O.J.'s not even trying anymore? Here's a guy who got away with murder and now he can't get even steal a couple of cookies. But, to O.J.'s credit, he is vowing to find the real cookie thief.

Simpson says he did not steal the cookies, but he’s writing a book about how he would have done it. Unfortunately, officials may have blown the case when they had him stick his hand in the cookie jar and it wouldn't fit.

The Post Office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, "If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating."

Some people got together and set a new world record in Times Square for twerking. Hah......and still Vladimir Putin says Americans aren't exceptional.

The maker of Barilla pasta is facing criticism after saying that he would not show gay families in his company's ads. The gay community said they would definitely boycott — you know, if they still ate carbs.

This Date In History: 1791; Mozart's opera The Magic Flute premiered in Vienna, Austria. 1927; Babe Ruth hit his 60th home run. The record stood until Roger Maris hit 61 in 1961. Mark McGwire beat Maris's record in 1998 by hitting 70 and Barry Bonds topped this in 2001 with 73.

1938; Britain and France surrendered to Germany's demands concerning the Sudetenland, and signed the Munich Pact. 1946; Twenty-two Nazi leaders were found guilty at the Nuremberg trials. 1949; The Berlin Airlift came to an end. 1955; Actor James Dean was killed in a car crash.

Picture Of The Day: The perfect picture to start off the week.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor. 2) She hated my mixed-tape back in college. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode. 3) A woman drove me to drink.....and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. 4) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 5) My daughter once asked me what marriage was like, so I threw out all her Barbie and Ken dolls, except for Fat Barbie and bald, drunken Ken......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 30th: You may become trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits this week. You can avoid the panther's attack by simply singing along with Michael Bolton but there's no cure from the lingering effects of Bolton's music.

Birthdays: My beautiful friend Anne and my niece Jennifer - Happy Birthday girls 19XX, Hans Geiger, physicist 1882, David Oistrakh, violinist 1908, Lester Maddox, public official 1915, Truman Capote, novelist 1924, Elie Wiesel, American writer, writing in French 1928, Martina Hingis tennis player 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled, "his wife is here with his lunch."

A woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini into the deep. More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.

Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms, "Are those puppies you're carrying in there?" Not wanting to explain what had really happened, the woman replied, "Why yes, yes they are.

She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away, I'll take the one with the pink nose!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pay s the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" The second bee answered, "Really bad. The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey."

The first bee said, "No problem, just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." The second bee replied, "Thanks for the tip" and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" The second bee said, "Great! It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, huge floral arrangements on every table."

The first bee asked, "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" The second bee answered, "That's my yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, never sneer about people who wax their bodies. I had myself waxed "down there" and now my socks slide on real easy.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !