Don't Miss Sunday's Talladega 500

For those who have never watched a NASCAR race, this Sunday's 500 mile race at Talledega Superspeedway should be a doozy. 40 cars on a 2.66 banked track reach speeds of 200 mph, sometimes three abreast. Oh, and there's an occasional wreck.

When I say "wreck", it's an understatement. At speeds surpassing 200 mph, reaction time to minor bump can turn the track into a junkyard in a matter of seconds.

Most racers and fans refer to this moment as "the big one" because it is almost impossible to race at these speeds, so close together, without someone making a mistake.

Cars need to pit occasionally for tires and/or gas and the speculation begins as to which strategy to use to insure a victory.

Probably the best part of the race is the last twenty laps where a "take no prisoners" attitude is adopted, further increasing the chance of a last lap crash or a photo-finish ending.

All things said, the Geico Talladega 500 will be televised on Fox beginning at 2:30 pm. It should be a great race.

The News As I See It: Carly Fiorina was announced as Ted Cruz's running mate. Fiorina said it's always been her lifelong dream to lose twice in the same election.

ISIS has reportedly started rolling out "reductions in benefits" to try to cut down costs. On a similar note, al-Qaeda is trying to compete with them by launching "Osamacare."

After being blind-sided by Michael Strahan’s upcoming departure, Kelly Ripa returned to "Live with Kelly and Michael" today, where the co-anchors were reunited. The reunion was going great, until Beyoncé showed up and handed Ripa a baseball bat.

Hillary Clinton has been attacking Donald Trump over his "country club" lifestyle. Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump swept Tuesday's primaries in the states of Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania and Rhode Island. John Kasich is projected to win in the state of denial.

Melania Trump just turned 46. She spent her birthday like she always does -- telling Donald that she's 23.

This Date In History: 1429; Joan of Arc entered the city of Orléans. She would end its months-long siege and would become known as the "Maid of Orléans." 1916; The Easter rebellion in Ireland ended with the surrender of Irish nationalists.

1945; American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp. 1978; Japan's Naomi Uemura, traveling by sled dog, became the first person to reach the North Pole alone. 1980; Film director Alfred Hitchcock died at age of 80.

1986; Pitcher Roger Clemens set a major league baseball record by striking out 20 batters in a regular nine-inning game. He repeated his feat in 1996. 1992; A Los Angeles jury acquitted four police officers accused of beating Rodney King. Massive rioting and looting ensued.

1997; The first joint U.S.-Russian space walk was made by Jerry Linenger and Vasily Tsibliyev from space station Mir. 2011; Kate Middleton marries Prince William in a lavish royal wedding at Westminster Abbey in London.

Picture Of The Day: Talladega Superspeedway is a big track with plenty of room for moves.....unless you make the wrong decision.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Ladies, the next time you're at Happy Hour and some dumb ass asks, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?", simply reply, "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." 2) It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken. 3) Then I said "No officer, I’m not slurring my speech. I’m speaking in cursive." 4) I'm at my most brilliant when the door says "pull" and I don't believe it. 5) My answering machine recording: Hello telemarketers and collection agencies. Your call is very important to me. Please leave a message after this enjoyable 15 minute flute solo.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - Taurus 28th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio. The end is growing nearer but, according to the stars, you've still got plenty of time. If you never liked asparagus before, try it again. I still think it tastes like shit, but your tastes may have changed.

Birthdays: William Randolph Hearst, American journalist and publisher 1863, Sir Thomas Beecham, conductor 1879, Duke Ellington, musician 1899, Hirohito, Japanese emperor 1901, Zubin Mehta, conductor 1936, Dale Earnhardt, champion auto racer 1951, Jerry Seinfeld, comedian 1955, Daniel Day-Lewis, actor 1958, Michelle Pfeiffer, actor 1958, Uma Thurman, actress 1970, Andre Agassi, tennis player 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man's wife asked him to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the store, looked around and couldn't find any.

So he grabbed an old produce employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The old produce guy looked at him and said, "No sir, you'll have to do that yourself."

An aging grandmother tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, the farmhouse and $24,548,750 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?" Grandma whispered, "Facebook....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Michael for his contribution to today's stories.

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity." The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?"

An Aussie's wife went missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reported the event, searched fruitlessly and spent a long terrible night wondering what may have happened to her.

The next morning, there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge said, "Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

The husband replied, Well, I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The husband was naturally distressed and had a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes pulled himself together to ask about the good news. The Sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. The husband said, "Thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that. So, what's the other possible good news?"

The Sarge says, "Well, If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill here and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again."

That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, everybody values honesty until they have an ugly baby. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. 

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !