Gator !

Having fished the Florida Everglades all my life, I've had many an experience with gators, mostly minor. Once, wading waist deep fishing for bass, I cast to a log which was, in fact, a sleeping gator. Since I had bass on the stringer tied to my belt loop, I headed to shore and promptly stepped into a hole.

Being only sixteen-years-old, it scared me when I went under the water but once I got to shore, I looked back only to see the gator high tailing it in the other direction. As it turned out, we both scared each other.

I've seen my fair share and I'm always amused when I take someone fishing for the first time and we see a gator. Many times I've seen one sunning on the shore and was once asked by a friend if the gator was dead.

Smiling, I slowed the boat, turned around and slowly idled towards the sleeping gator. Once I got within 15 feet, it bolted and ran for the safety of the water. Scared the crap out of my friend, though.

This is the almost 5 foot gator that my friend thought was dead. Notice that his head is raised and eyes open meaning he is aware of us. Once we got too close, he dove into the water.

During a typical bass fishing day, I'm usually pretty hot around midday and many times I've jumped into the water for a brief swim and cool off. I even swam with my kids in the water after a little encouragement.

That night, I took my flashlight and shined it on the water, pointing out to my kids the pairs of red gator eyes in the distance. It was then that they realized we had been swimming with gators that day.

Gators are nocturnal feeders and usually start hunting around dusk. During the day, they mostly rest or sun themselves and are rather lethargic. Most gators in the wild are really rather shy unless you stumble upon a female guarding her nest or a bull gator looking for a mate.

The exception to this would be people who feed gators that take up residence in local ponds or lakes. Once emboldened and knowing where to find food, they will take down anything small including ducks and even small dogs.

This is Shark Valley observation area where visitors can observe the flora and fauna of Everglades National Park. There are hundreds of gators along the road and I've seen people get way too close to the gators. Gators should be given much more space.

The News As I See It: Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody. Graham said he's getting a new phone, which explains Lindsey Graham's latest campaign slogan, "New phone, who dis?"

Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president.

Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball.

This is the reason that alligators should be given space. Depending on size, a gator can run from between 15 to 25 miles per hour for short distances.

This Date In History: 1847; Brigham Young and the first members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) arrived at the Great Salt Lake. 1862; Martin Van Buren, the eighth president of the United States, died in Kinderhook, New York.

1866; Tennessee became the first Confederate state to be readmitted to the Union. 1937; Charges against five black men accused of raping two white women in the Scottsboro case were dropped.

1974; The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled that President Richard Nixon had to turn over White House tapes to the Watergate special prosecutor. 2002; Nine coal miners were trapped in a mine in Pennsylvania. All were rescued three days later.

Picture Of The Day: This is the reason why gators are not easy to spot in the wild. You may be able to see why I thought I was casting to a log. Note the baby gators sticking near mom for protection. Baby gators' sex is determined by the temperature of the eggs in the nest.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've never been skydiving, but once I zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast. 2) A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. 3) I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke. 4) For those waiting for me to go out of my mind, it may take longer as the exits are not clearly marked.  5) I'm about ten pounds overweight and I know it's my own fault, but you'd be amazed how much "exercise" and "extra fries" sound alike.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 24th: Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better. The chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch are so remote so you might as well go home and eat ice cream until you get brain freeze. Remember, you can't become a pilot without a good altitude.

Birthdays: Simon Bolivar, liberator 1783, Alexandre Dumas, novelist 1802, Amelia Earhart, American aviator 1897, Bella Abzug, Congresswoman 1920, Jennifer Lopez, actress, singer 1969.

A gator suns itself in the midday sun along the L-67 river extension in the Everglades. My boat drifted into his area as I was casting for bass. I didn't notice him until he raised his head and I snapped a quick picture.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: My great-uncle once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. He changed my mind at the last minute, so he just flipped over and landed on his feet.

Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."

A blond went the library and stepped up to the desk. She said to the desk clerk, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a coke." The desk clerk said, "Shhh...this is a library."

The blond said, "Oh I'm sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me." Then, the blond leaned over close to the desk clerk and whispered, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a coke."

An aerial view of Shark Valley Observation area.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An older couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!

Old Mrs. Lipschitz went to her gynecologist and after her examination, she told him that she was worried about her husband's health. When asked about the problem, Mrs. Lipschitz said that lately her husband had developed a penchant for eating dog food.

The doctor said, "I wouldn't worry too much about that. As long as he eats other types of food as well, the dog food won't hurt him." The doctor's answer satisfied the old woman and she returned home.

About a month later, the doctor happened to see Mrs. Lipschitz at the shopping mall. He greeted the old woman and asked about Mr. Lipschitz. She said, "Oh, he's in the hospital in intensive care but the doctors say he's going to be fine."

Horrified, the doctor said, "My word, I didn't believe that eating dog food would hurt him. I hope that he didn't have a reaction to the dog food and was poisoned."

Mrs. Lipschitz replied, "No, eating the dog food wasn't the problem. He stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's ass and got hit by a car."

That's it for today, my little tiddlywinks. Remember, anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions! I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

I'll Be Back !

I like to fish for large mouth bass in the lakes and canals near my house. I release what I catch. Two days ago, I hooked a nice bass and was working it in when I noticed a gator making a beeline for my bass. This irritated me because the gator chased the bass into some bushes and I lost the bass. So did the gator.

I'm not afraid of gators. If you give them room and they give you room, there's rarely any trouble. The problem is that in order to get to the little hole where that big bass lives, I have to wade into the water to get close enough to make a cast.

I'm not afraid of wading into alligator infested waters. I've fished in waters before in the Everglades that was loaded with both bass and gators. I just try to make sure that none of the gators are too big. Mother didn't raise no fool.

Today, I went after the bass again and sure enough, the gator was in the area but he was quiet. I waded over to the bass hole and on my first cast, I hooked the bass again. As I reeled the bass toward me, I didn't see the gator which made me nervous.

Needless to say, I continued to horse the bass toward me as I backed up briskly to shore. Then it happened. About ten feet from shore, I stepped into a hole and fell backwards nearly dropping my rod. As I quickly recovered, I grabbed my rod, but I had lost the bass (again).

As I trudged towards shore, I happened to look across the lake for the gator and there he was. He had climbed up onto the shore to sun himself and I can almost swear he was laughing at me.....

Sad to hear the news that country music legend George Jones passed away at the age of 81. Mr. Jones had five number one hits in five separate decades. Rest In peace George Jones.

The News As I See It: All five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama said he picked up some ideas for when he builds his. It's going to be called the “Blame George W. Bush Presidential Library.”

The NFL draft is going on now. This is the time when college football players go from being paid under the table to being paid over the table. Manti Te'o, the kid from Notre Dame who had the imaginary girlfriend, will be taken in the first round according to his imaginary agent.

The New York Jets say they will take the best  black athlete available in the draft, which is the same strategy the Kardashian sisters use.

This Date In History: 1607; Colonists land at Cape Henry, Virginia. They would found Jamestown the next month. 1865; John Wilkes Booth, Lincoln’s assassin, was surrounded by federal troops in a barn in Virginia. He was shot and killed, either by the soldiers or by his own hand.

1937; The German Luftwaffe (air force) destroyed the Spanish town of Guernica. 1964; Tanganyika and Zanzibar joined to form Tanzania. 1986; The worst nuclear power plant accident in history occurred at Chernobyl, near Kiev, U.S.S.R.

1994; The first multi-racial elections were held in South Africa. 2000; Vermont Governor Howard Dean signed the nation's first bill allowing same-sex couples to form civil unions.

Picture Of The Day: It's been a strange day, thus strange pictures. Some adages, however, were clearly proven true when Smokey the Bear was photographed by the pooparazzi during an untimely, private moment.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. I like happy endings. 2) I think running in front of cars is some sort of gang initiation for squirrels. 3) If you play a game with your girlfriend where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with, choose a celebrity and not "Liz from Accounting." 4) If I ever go missing and there's a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking in any gyms. 5) When I ask my girlfriend if she wants sex, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist or something.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 26th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting, "It's not my fault, I'm looking for temptation!" Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you're gonna need some beholdin' today.

Birthdays: My pals Frantz and Jeannie Happy Birthday 19XX, John James Audubon, American ornithologist 1785, Eugène Delacroix painter 1798, Frederick Law Olmsted landscape architect 1822, Ma Rainey blues musician 1886, I. M. Pei architect 1917, Carol Burnett comedienne 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One morning, a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy said, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I do?"

Mabel reached up to her ear, pulled out the suppository and stared at it. Then she said, "I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded "yes". The coach said, "so, I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?" The little boy nodded "yes" again.

The coach went on, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass or shithead' is it?" The little boy shook his head "No". The coach said, "Good! Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking. Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

Mister Green said, "My lord!" Then an idea struck him, "You want to know how to get your bike back? Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

That's it for today, my little canaries. Remember, "In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress." - John Adams. I'll be in AREA 51 for happy hour. Stop by and have a drink.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !