Come Visit And Please Bring Cash !

Have you noticed the recent tv ads for Michigan and New York? You know why they're advertising? Because they tax everything and everyone is leaving! High state and local taxes along with rampant crime is motivating those who still have a little money and a job to high tail it.

Michigan officials appointed lawyer, Kevyn Orr, a partner in the Jones Day law firm, as an emergency manager to oversee operations in Detroit, one of the largest cities to ever receive such intervention.

Orr described Detroit’s problems, which include annual cash shortages, about $14 billion in long-term liabilities, $300 million in short term debt, complaints by residents that broken streetlights are not replaced and that the police do not respond to calls.
 

New York State is battling an "image of having one of the worst business climates in the nation" after many businesses have left the area and job losses have devastated towns and smaller cities.

As former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher once said, "The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money."

And it doesn't stop there.The city of Stockton, California has filed for bankruptcy and Detroit, Michigan is well on it's way to the same fate. Why? Here's some reasons:

#1 - For the past four years, American taxpayers have paid nearly $400,000 so that Yale University could study the sexual conflict of waterfowl and "plasticity in duck penis length"....and we can't afford to keep the white house tours open to visitors.

#2 - The U.S. Navy had to cancel fleet week for the first time in 29 years due to sequester cuts yet Obama could afford to have a "Memphis soul" night at the white house. Hell, Obama even sang with Justin Timberlake. It's being called the blackest thing Obama has ever done....and we can't afford to keep the white house tours open to visitors.

#3 - The IRS spent $60,000 on a film parody of "Star Trek" and a film parody of "Gilligan’s Island."  Internal Revenue Service employees were the actors in the two parodies, so as you can imagine the acting was really bad.

#4 - The National Institutes of Health has given $1.5 million to Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts to study why "three-quarters" of lesbians in the United States are overweight and why most gay males are not.

#5 - The National Institutes of Health has also spent $2.7 million to study why lesbians have more "vulnerability to hazardous drinking."

There are many more outrageous stories like this yet no one does nothing about it. Moreover, either the Obama administration approves this waste of money or sadly, doesn't seem to care. It's time to wake up and smell the coffee, America.
 

The News As I See It: The North Korean conflict is starting to get serious. China has warned North Korea flat out, "Do not fire any missiles at the United States at least until after we get our money. They owe us $16 trillion. Wait until then."

Some experts believe that North Korea has a missile that could reach Los Angeles. And of course, if North Korea did attack Los Angeles, that would start a war with Mexico and the whole damn thing would escalate.

A new report claims that almost half of Justin Bieber’s 37 million Twitter followers are fake. Even more disturbing, the other half is real.

Just a week after naming the color of a plus-sized dress "Manatee Grey," now Target is having to rename a pair of sandals called "Orina" because "orina" means "urine" in Spanish......while the name "Target" is just Spanish for "Fancy Wal-Mart."

Dick Cheney told House Republicans that the U.S. is in "deep doo doo" with North Korea. Incidentally, "deep doo do" is the color of the suit I just got at Target.

Look at the difference between the border of Grosse Point and Detroit. A picture is worth a thousand words

This Date In History: 1861; The Civil War began when Fort Sumter was attacked. 1862; James J. Andrews led the raiding party that stole the Confederate locomotive "The General," inspiring the 1926 Buster Keaton movie. 1945; President Franklin Roosevelt died.

1955; The polio vaccine of Dr. Jonas Salk was called "safe, effective, and potent." 1961; Soviet cosmonaut Yuri A. Gagarin became the first human in space and also the first human to orbit the earth in a spacecraft.

1981; The first space shuttle, Columbia, took its first test flight. 1983; Harold Washington was elected Chicago’s first African-American mayor. 1999; Arkansas federal judge Susan Webber Wright found President Clinton in contempt of court for lying about his relationship with Monica Lewinsky.

Picture Of The Day: Looks nice, but you'd better hope you don't have to go through Detroit to get there.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Although I've never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 2) They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love. After marriage, it is self-defense. 3) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 4) Lately I've had the "Midas touch." Everything I touch turns into a muffler. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom! 5) Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 12th: Be aware that waiting in line may not necessarily be for amazingly happy things like roller coasters. Some are for terribly bad things like the renewing your driver's license. Timid creatures are often those to find first love. Be less brash, learn to control your flailing arms and try not to fart in crowded places or intimate situations.

Birthdays: My pal Marc - Rest in peace, my friend 19XX, Henry Clay, American statesman 1777, William Martin Conway, English explorer, art historian 1856, Otto Meyerhof, physiologist 1884, Lily Pons coloratura soprano 1904, Montserrat Caballé, singer 1933, Herbie Hancock, jazz musician 1940, Tom Clancy, novelist 1947 David Letterman, talk show host 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The husband picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, ''What are we going to do?'' The husband said, ''Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old man, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

A man receives a phone call from his friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border.  The friend says that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

His friend says, "My wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. If it gets much worse, I may have to let her in."

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already.

The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them. Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?"

That's it for today, my little mushrooms. Remember, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. By the same token, it is wiser to fight a bear than argue with a woman with PMS. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour and maybe some karaoke.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Are We Broke Yet?

The world is talking about the financial problems in Greece but here in America, there are a few states that are teetering on bankruptcy as well. California's economy is the eighth largest economy in the world, if the states of the U.S. were compared with other countries.

Judging from California's current financial state, I'd be a lot more worried about the Golden State going bankrupt than Greece. The Greeks have been an overspending nanny state for a long time and it's about time to pay the piper. The Euro, which was created to compete against the American dollar, should be the only way out for Greece. I'm betting that Britain's happier than hell that they stayed with their own currency.

The News As I See It: Obama just went to the G20 summit to give Europe advice on its debt crisis. Wait, Europe’s getting economic advice from Obama? That’s like J.Lo getting marriage advice from Kim Kardashian.

Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said he should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first.

Justin Bieber's scandal broke. The latest is the woman who claims Bieber fathered her love child says they had sex in a bathroom. Meanwhile, Justin is saying he didn't know they had sex. He just thought the babysitter gave him a really good bath.

The Israeli cabinet is discussing a preemptive attack on Iran. Do you realize if that happened, it could knock Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian right off the front page?

Congratulations to Vice President Joe O'Biden, whose daughter just got engaged to an ear, nose, and throat doctor. She met the doctor through her father. They met in the doctor's office while he was trying to get O'Biden's foot out of his mouth.

This Date In History: 1842; Abraham Lincoln married Mary Todd in Springfield, Illinois. 1880; James and John Ritty of Dayton, Ohio, patented the first cash register. 1922; Howard Carter discovered the tomb of Tutankhamen in Egypt.

1924; Nellie T. Ross of Wyoming was elected the nation's first woman governor, to serve out the term of her husband who died in office. 1956; Russian troops attacked Budapest and crushed the Hungarian revolt under Premier Imre Nagy.

1979; The American embassy in Tehran, Iran, was seized by militants and 90 Americans were taken hostage. 1995; Israeli Prime Minister, and Nobel Laureate, Yitzhak Rabin, was assassinated by a right-wing Israeli.

Picture Of The Day: The world in concerned with Greece's economy. To a degree, I'm concerned as well. I'm more concerned, however, about states who habitually overspend and then look to the government for help. It's time to buckle up those belts.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms please. Cashier: Do you want a paper bag with that sir? Cowboy: Nah...she ain't that ugly. 2) I love blackjack, but I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle. 3) Whenever I walk somewhere and someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're telling me, "Here, Go throw this away." 4) A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called our band "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop.

5) You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes! Next!......Donner, party of eighty-seven.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - November 4th: The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically and desperately desire. However, the risk may not be worth the reward. I know this to be true as I have been married twice and payback is hell. Relax, have a beer and a slice of pizza and if you still have that feeling, smash your ring finger with a hammer. Trust me, you'll thank me for this advice once your finger heals.

Birthdays: My pal Donna - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Will Rogers, actor, humorist 1879, Harry George Ferguson, inventor 1884, Walter Cronkite, news broadcaster 1916, Art Carney, actor 1918, Loretta Swit, actor 1937, Laura Bush, First Lady 1946, Matthew McConaughey, actor 1969, Luis Figo, soccer player 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A drunk old man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." The drunk muttered, "Well, I'll be damned" and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk replied, "Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the beer. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, "The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey just pissed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you can hum it, I'll play it."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" The woman said, "We're taking Continental. We got a great rate!"

The hairdresser said, "Continental? That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" The woman said, "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." The hairdresser said, "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

The woman said, "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." The hairdresser laughed, "That's rich. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. The woman said, "It was wonderful. Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

The hairdresser muttered, "Well, that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." The woman said, "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors. He said if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

The hairdresser said, "Oh, really! What'd he say?" The woman replied, "He said, 'Who fucked up your hair?'"

That's it for today my little coconuts. Remember, five out of four people have trouble with fractions. It's Friday and AREA 51 beckons. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !