Want A Spam Sammich?

Spam, the canned meat - not the annoying email - has always been very, very popular in the state of Hawaii. So much so, in fact, that it is now being stolen repeatedly and sold on the black market for what officials believe is drug money.

Some thieves just sell it out of their cars. The shoplifters get the stolen goods for free, so they are able to make a 100 percent profit reselling them.

Retail Merchants of Hawaii some stores require customers to call a clerk when they want their Spam. Others keep it up front under the watchful eyes of the cashiers. Canned beef is also a hot item for thieves because it can fetch $5-6 a can.

The state’s love affair with Spam began during World War II and Hawaii was a war zone during the war. They had government mandated blackouts, food rationing and food restrictions, which they felt the pressure of even more because they were away from the mainland. Rationing created just the right conditions for the rise of a meat that needs no refrigeration and has a remarkably long shelf life.

Ann Kondo Corum, who grew up in Hawaii in the 1950s and has written several Spam-inspired cookbooks, has attributed Spam’s popularity partly to Hawaii’s large Asian population. Spam was one of those scarce food rations and it was something that Hawaiians lived on during the war. There's even a name for it: Spam currency.

I like Spam and have eaten many a Spam sandwich in my day. When sliced thinly, it is comparable to bacon and goes well with breakfast.

The News As I See It: In the past week, several prominent men have been fired for sexual harassment and it’s being called "The Harvey Effect." Of course, none of them will see any jail time and that’s being called "The Cosby Effect."

Red Lobster announced that it will start delivering its food in New York City through a partnership with Grubhub. Yeah, because if there’s one thing that will make crappy discount seafood even worse, it’s 20 minutes on the back of a bike.

Developers are working on a hyper loop that could get you from Washington, D.C., to New York City in just 29 minutes. And once you are here, you can take a subway from Penn Station to Times Square in just four hours.

This Date In History: 1787; The first of the Federalist Papers, which called for the ratification of the U.S. Constitution, was published. 1904; New York City's first rapid transit subway, the IRT, opened.

1938; Du Pont announced that it would name its new synthetic yarn nylon. 1978; Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin were named winners of the Nobel Peace Prize for their work toward a Middle East accord.

1997; The Dow Jones industrial average fell 554.26 points, forcing the stock market to shut down. 2004; After an 86 year wait, the Boston Red Sox finally captured a World Series trophy.

Picture Of The Day: The charm of Spam. I offtimes buy but usually it gets pushed to the back ground, That us, of course, until Mother Hubbard's Cupboard becomes a bit bare and you espy your secret little treasure that will provide for a hearty sandwich......   

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat right next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?" 2) You don't know what real fear is, until you've been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California. 3) When I was a kid, I suffered from depression. My teacher suggested that my father take me to the zoo. He did, but I found my way home. 4) Remember, lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza, but both are fine when you're drunk. 5) I remember the day when my ex-wife and I decided not to have children. The kids took it pretty hard.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 27th: You may hear a voice in your ear saying that you are here for a purpose. Don't pay any attention to the voice, they meant to say porpoise. That is, unless you're from Miami, in which case, take heed.

Birthdays: James Cook, explorer and navigator 1728, Theodore Roosevelt, 26th president 9f the United States 1858, Emily Post, etiquette writer 1873, Dylan Thomas, poet 1914, Roy Lichtenstein, painter 1923, Sylvia Plath, poet 1932, John Cleese, actor 1939, Roberto Benigni, actor and filmmaker 1952.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man went to a job interview. The Human Resources manager asked him, "What is your greatest weakness?" The man replied, "Honesty."

The Human Resources manager said, "I don't think honesty is a weakness." The older man said, "I don't really give a shit what you think."

A priest was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

The priest asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection and a little boy raised his hand. The priest called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you're supposed to call the doctor."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish."

The genie looks concerned, then says, "No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?"

The guys says, "Well, my whole life I’ve never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"The cowboy said, "Well, I can think of one thing."

He continued, "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" The Cowboy replied, "A couple of minutes ago."

That's it for today, my little goblins. Remember, remember that water dissolves alien beasts and witches. This information may or may not affect your balance when handing a glass of water to your mother-in-law. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Free Speech Doesn't Justify Armed Thugs

Armed and masked Antifa thugs should be arrested on sight. The same people would be arrested immediately entering a bank. Why authorities don't put a stop to this escapes me. The right to protest ends when innocent bystanders are threatened or injured.

Peaceful protests are a right and should be encouraged, but helmets, masks, bats and arms are not peaceful and should not be tolerated.

The Democrats seem to have left their Russian Conspiracy theory for a racism and white supremacy theory, verbally indicting the White House and by implication, all Republicans, as racists.

Democrat Nancy Pelosi called the recent firing of Steve Bannon "welcome news" but said that it "doesn't disguise" where President Trump stands on white supremacy.

So, at the end of the day, are the far left and far right lunatics going to be allowed to create hysteria for the majority of the nation using the crutch of free speech to propagate their goals? 

The News As I See It: An Alabama woman, missing for nearly a month said she was able to survive in the woods on mushrooms. Officials said, "Ma’am, you were out there for 45 minutes."

Reports say that the U.S. has a plan to launch a cyber attack on North Korea. It’s pretty serious. They say it could affect both of North Korea’s computers.

News organizations are actually telling people what to do in case of a nuclear attack. They say people should immediately stay inside and keep watching Netflix.

Wal-Mart is testing out an app that would allow shoppers to skip the checkout line. Currently that service is known as shoplifting.

Football stadiums are going to get a delivery system that will bring food right to your seat. However, if you’re a Rams fan, your food will most likely be intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

This Date In History: 1227; Mongol conqueror Genghis Khan died in China. 1587; Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents born in North America. 1894; Congress established the Bureau of Immigration, forerunner of the Immigration and Naturalization Service.

1920; When Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, the three-quarters of the states necessary was achieved and American women got the right to vote. 1936; Spanish poet and playwright Federico Garcia Lorca was shot and killed by Franco's soldiers during the Spanish Civil War. 1958; Vladimir Nabokov's novel Lolita was published.

Picture Of The Day: This is not a peaceful protest. It is people looking to cause trouble.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was once pulled over in Miami because the police officer thought I had been drinking. He asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in the state was. I said, "I don't know, re-election to Congress?" 2) I know, some people are against drinking and driving, but you know, sometimes you've just got no choice. Those kids gotta get to school.

3) Sex is not that important. It's the afterward part when you're naked, it's warm and you watch the sun come up through the windshield. You look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you realize that you probably just screwed a pirate.

4) When you are dating, farting is never an issue. When you are married, you make sure there’s nothing flammable near your wife.  5) My friend went to CVS pharmacy and asked for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "I need medical proof that you need it." My friend said, "Will a picture of my wife do?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 18th: Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Destiny might play with your mind though and take you to a pet store.

Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better. However, the chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch tomorrow are remote so you might as well quit, go home and eat ice-cream until your brain freezes.

You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you'll find love on Ebay. There's a great sale on shoes, though.

Birthdays: Virginia Dare, first white child of English parents to be born in America 1587, Meriwether Lewis, explorer 1774, Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit, diplomat 1900, Shelley Winters, actress 1920, Rosalynn Smith Carter, first lady 1927, Roman Polanski, film director 1933, Roberto Clemente, baseball player 1934, Robert Redford, actor and director 1937, Patrick Swayze, actor 1952, Christian Slater, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed. She went to a plastic surgeon and asks the doctor, "I can't get rid of these bags, can you help me?"

The doctor told he is willing to try a new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes, she is to use the crank and the bags will go away. She gets the crank put in her head and leaves.

It works for a while until one day, she can't get rid of the bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can, but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor.

She says to the doctor, "This was working for a while, but I can't seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies, "Those aren't bags....those are your boobs." The woman replied, "I guess that explains this goatee."

A woman was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. The parrot said, "Hey, lady!" The woman said, "Yes?" The parrot said, "You know...."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman was at the doctor's office with her husband. She took the doctor aside and said, "I don't want to say anything in front of my husband, but, lately, he's been buying Purina Dog Chow at the grocery store and eating it as a snack."

The doctor said, "That's unusual. Is he doing anything else that seems strange?" The woman says, "Yes, when I'm driving, he likes to stick his head out of the window for the fresh air."

The doctor says, "This sounds like he may have Canus Complexus. In layman's terms, he may think that he's a dog." The woman lamented, "That sounds serious, doctor. Is there anything you can do for him?"

The doctor replied, "Yes, it could kill him. But there's a new drug that I can give him that should help. You mix it in with his food along with some wet dog food. After a while the drug and dog food mixture will begin to make him sick when he eats the dog chow and it should return him to normal."

Six months passed and the doctor happened to see the woman at the shopping mall dressed in black. The doctor greeted the woman and asked, "How is your husband?" The woman sadly told the doctor, "He passed away two weeks ago."

The doctor was deeply moved and said, "My sincere condolences. I really thought that the dog food and drug mixture would have cured him, not killed him"

Then woman said, "Oh, no doctor. The dog food and drugs mixture didn't bother him at all." The doctor asked, "Then, how did he die?" The woman replied, "He was sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls and a dump truck ran over him."

At a cocktail party, the host asked the attractive blonde if she would like another drink. The blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

The host asked, "Why is that?" The blonde replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it. After two drinks, anyone can!"

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. This information may or may not affect your balance when handing a glass of water to your mother-in-law. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

On The Road Again !

With the help of Brother Kirt, Sister Jean and some dear close friends, I bought this Cadillac CTS sedan. It has a six speed transmission and the ride is awesome. My thanks to my pal, Tom, who drove me around for the last two months to run errands.

It's a six speed manual transmission and although the first cars I ever owned were manual transmissions, each car has it's own personality and I'm slowly getting used to it. The pedals are a bit too close together and they conflict with my feet a bit. The V6 engine is more than enough horsepower and the car accelerates well.

Much like my cell phone when I first bought it, I have spent the last several days learning how the car's different gadgets work. It will take some time as the car is loaded and the amenities a bit complicated.

So, as in the case of the cell phone where the only thing I could do was make and receive calls, I can drive the car and am currently learning how to program the radio...... 

The News As I See It: If anyone calls Uber any time soon, you might want to make sure it’s not a white Ford Bronco. The Nevada State Parole Board unanimously voted to grant O.J. parole. He served nine years for armed robbery.

Simpson could be released by October 1st, on which date he’ll be picked up at the Lovelock Correctional Facility via helicopter and flown directly to the set of “Dancing with the Stars.” Or “Bachelor in Paradise.” Whichever one’s in production.

Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube. Meanwhile the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones.

This Date In History: 1861; Confederate forces won victory at Bull Run in the first major battle of the Civil War.  1873; The first train robbery west of the Mississippi was pulled off by Jesse James and his gang.

1925; In the "Monkey Trial," John T. Scopes was found guilty of violating Tennessee state law by teaching evolution. 1949; The U.S. Senate ratified the North Atlantic Treaty.

1970; The Aswan High Dam was opened in Egypt. 1998; Astronaut Alan Shepard died. 2002; WorldCom filed for bankruptcy, then the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history.

Picture Of The Day: My new ride is great. I can't tell you how good it feels to be back on the road.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You're only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of your car.  2) When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my pocket and use it as a blanket. 3) Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear. They tell potential robbers that you have nothing to lose. 4) I think it's  cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. 5) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. Now, I can never go back to Starbucks.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 21st: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting, "It's not my fault, I'm looking for temptation!" Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you're gonna need some beholdin' today.

Birthdays: Jean Picard, astronomer 1620, Ernest Hemingway, American novelist and short-story writer 1899, Isaac Stern, violinist 1920, John Gardner, writer 1933, Janet Reno, U.S. Attorney General  1938, Kenneth Starr, independent counsel 1946, Garry Trudeau, political cartoonist  1948, Robin Williams, comedian 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing.

On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time, I expect a huge rain storm."

The king replied, "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So, the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that… it will rain."

So, the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this day. Thus, the democrat party symbol was born!

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class, "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary.

Mary answered, "I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are." The teacher said, "Very interesting. Mary." Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him.

Johnny said, "I think your feet go up first." Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?" Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room, I saw my mom with her feet in the air saying, 'Oh God!' If it hadn't been for Dad on top of her holding her down, she'd be in heaven"

A country boy came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

The fireman replied, "Okay! How do we get there?" The country boy says, "Aw, shucks, don’t you still have those big red trucks?"

That's it for today, my little tater tots. Remember, the location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

The News Comes With Side Effects - Advertising

Television shows today are garbage. Networks are too cheap to pay good actors so they put on reality shows knowing they can pay next to nothing. So, I always have the news on in the background. Sadly, the TV ads are for drugs, pain relief, gas and constipation.

They advertise every drug by name so that hopefully, you ask your doctor for that particular drug in lieu of a  cheaper, generic drug. I find that the side effects far outweigh the use of the drugs. These ads are aimed at the older crowd who normally follow the news and politics more that the bubble gum crowd. Alas, advertisers target this audience with "everything hurts" advertising.

One of the best sitcoms on TV is "The Big Bang Theory". It is well written and acted. Other than that, I find most of my entertainment on reruns of Seinfeld, Friends, Two and a Half Men and Rules of Engagement. I'd rather watch reruns of a good show than the current crap the networks are hawking today.

That reminds me. I gotta go take my meds.......

The News As I See It: A new study just came out that found that breast implants can save your life if you’re shot in the chest. In a related story, the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" just joined SEAL Team 6.

In May of this year, In May of this year, police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave. Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We're all shocked! We never knew we had a library."

This Date In History: 1789; The storming and destruction of Bastille marked the beginning of the French Revolution. 1798;  Congress passed the Sedition Act, making it a crime to publish false, scandalous, or malicious writing about the U.S. government.

1881; Billy the Kid was shot by Sheriff Pat Garrett in New Mexico. 1921; In one of the most controversial cases in U.S. history, anarchists Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were convicted of two murders and sentenced to death.

1933; In Germany, all political parties except the Nazi party were outlawed. 1945; Dr. Spock's Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care was published. 1958; A military coup overthrew the monarchy in Iraq, killing King Faisal II. General Abdul Karim Kassem becomes Iraq's leader.

Picture Of The Day: Yep !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hope I'm the last guy on earth. I want to see if all those women were lying to me. 2) Before Walmart, I used to have to buy a ticket to the circus to see the bearded lady. 3) My grandfather use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels on the TV. 4) People, stop editing your pics. What if you go missing? How can I find you if you look like Kaley Cuoco on Facebook but Yoda in real life? 5) I accidentally pushed my cat, Scooter, off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's sitting in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 14: Now that you're finally getting over your weekend antics, I suggest that you maintain a low profile until all of the various social sites quit running those pictures of you that seemed funny at the time. Seriously, you're not the first to wear a lampshade as a hat. Chance of romance is 17.62 percent.

Birthdays: James McNeill Whistler, painter 1834, Emmeline Pankhurst, woman suffragist 1858, Gertrude Bell, traveler, author and government official 1868, Woody Guthrie, American folk singer, guitarist and composer 1912, Gerald R. Ford, 38th President of the United States  1913, Ingmar Bergman, director 1918.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man went fishing one morning but after a short time, he ran out of worms. Then he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bat. Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, he grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp.

The man released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, he felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake...with two more frogs.

Two guys from New Orleans were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off hunting and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear confrontations, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them and to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper.

A woman walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".

Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

That's it for today, my little frisbees. Remember, the easiest way to piss off a vegan is to refer to their choice of diet as an "eating disorder". I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Remember The Troops !

Remember the wounded and fallen soldiers, both past and present, of the Armed Forces this Memorial Day weekend. Moreover, remember the wounded warriors that continue to wait medical attention by the corrupt VA hospitals.

The News As I See It: Trump released his new budget proposal and Bernie Sanders said his cuts to Medicaid are "just cruel." But Bernie will get his medicine the same way as always: finding an old pill in his suit pocket.

A new study from Harvard says you can reduce the risk of a potentially fatal heart condition by eating six bars of chocolate a week. Yeah. It reduces the chance of a heart attack because once you give up being in shape, you have way less stress.

This Date In History: 1521; Martin Luther's writings were banned by the Edict of Worms. 1868;  President Andrew Johnson avoided conviction for impeachment charges of "high crimes and misdemeanors" by one vote. 1940; Allied troops began the massive naval evacuation of troops from Dunkirk, France, during World War II.

1858; Pittsburgh Pirates’ Harvey Haddix pitched 12 perfect innings against the Milwaukee Braves before losing, 1–0, in the 13th.1940 Allied troops began the massive naval evacuation of troops from Dunkirk, France, during World War II. 1958; Pittsburgh Pirates’ Harvey Haddix pitched 12 perfect innings against the Milwaukee Braves before losing, 1–0, in the 13th.

1977; George Willig, "the human fly," scaled the World Trade Center in New York City by attaching himself to the window washer mechanism and walking straight up until falling into police custody when he reached the top. It took Willig three and a half hours to make the climb, and $1.10 in fines—a penny per floor. 1978; The first legal casino to be operated in the United States outside of Nevada was opened in Atlantic City.

Picture Of The Day: This weekend is not just for barbecues.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl. 2) 12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower. 3) When something at the hardware store says it's universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have. 4) Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes and it's barely toasted. Ten seconds more and it's burned beyond recognition. 5) Veni, vidi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 26th: Everything will suddenly sound good to you today. This may be due to an Ophthalmology  appointment you had earlier in the week. Then, again, it may just be because you've won a large amount of money and people want to shower you with platitudes. Speaking of which, you do look amazing today! All of that which you experience today will be catalogued under "things not to do in public again".

Birthdays: Washington Augustus Roebling. engineer 1836, Isadora Duncan, dancer 1878, Al Jolson, actor, singer  1886, Dorothea Lange, photographer 1895, John Wayne, actor 1907, Miles Davis, musician 1926, Stevie Nicks,singer 1948, Sally K. Ride, American astronaut 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat", agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage. She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next.

Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. She explained the problem to the vet.

The vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." She asked, "Do you think that will work?" The vet replied, "It just worked for me!"

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy....." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat and then Daddy....."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing and laying down on the seat. Then Little Johnny says, ".....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

A blond wanted to go ice fishing. After getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"

Startled the blond moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again from the above, the voice bellowed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"

The blond, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!!."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice Skating Rink Manager...."

That's it for today, my little glow worms. Remember, one of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !