How Hot Was It?

There's a heat wave raging across America and there's no relief on the horizon. Health officials are telling Americans to stay home. Americans responded by saying, "We are home. We have no jobs." Weather experts say that a million square miles of the U.S. are under a "heat dome", but don’t worry, there's plenty of shade under our $14 trillion debt ceiling.

The heat index in Washington, D.C. was 114 degrees yesterday. It was so hot that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling. Republicans are blaming President Obama for bringing the heat from his native Kenya.

It was so hot in the Midwest that people were sweating like Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to explain why he's been spending more time with the pool boy instead of the maid. It was so hot that people were standing next to Rupert Murdoch just to be near something shady.

There's still no deal on the debt ceiling. Washington is keeping us on the edge of our seat - a seat that will soon be repossessed. House Speaker John Boehner invited new democratic and republican congressmen over for pizza last night. Unfortunately, the delivery guy left when they spent 10 hours fighting over a plan to pay for it.

The News As I See It: I don't think Rupert Murdoch was personally involved in the phone hacking. He’s 80 years old. Old people don’t know how to hack a cell phone. Hell, old people don't even know how to use a cell phone. That’s why you see them shuffling down the street talking into an old slipper.

Rupert Murdoch and his son testified before parliament and did something that many powerful people would have done.....they blamed others.

The city of London has fined Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Obama said, Don't worry, my grandkids will pay for it." Obama’s 50th birthday is coming up. If you’re thinking about getting him something, I'd suggest getting him the same present the "Scarecrow" wanted in "The Wizard Of Oz".

NASA is considering replacing the space shuttle with a space taxi. It can do everything the shuttle can do, except pick you up if you're black.

The Dalai Lama had a private meeting with Obama. The Dalai Lama wanted to discuss the political situation in Tiber and Obama wanted to know if it was too soon to bang Jennifer Lopez.

A man in Minnesota says his iPhone survived a 13,000-foot fall after it slipped out of his pocket while he was skydiving. That’s not surprising. If there’s one thing the iPhone is good at, it’s dropped calls.

If the national debt debates continues the way they have, we could very well hit the national political bullshit ceiling.

This Date In History: 1796; Cleveland, Ohio, was founded by General Moses Cleaveland. 1933; Wiley Post became the first person to fly solo around the world. 1934; John Dillinger was shot to death outside Chicago's Biograph Theater. 1937; Franklin D. Roosevelt's "court packing" scheme was rejected by the U.S. Senate.

1975; Congress restored Confederate general Robert E. Lee's U.S. citizenship. 1990; Greg LeMond won his third Tour de France. A Minnesota native, Lemond was the first American to win the great French cycling race. 2003; Saddam Hussein's sons, Uday and Ousay, were killed in a firefight. Ooday ooyay eallyray aircay?

Picture Of The Day: A picture paint a thousand words, or in this case, ice cubes.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast "The Flintstones". A spokesman for the channel said, "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humor, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do. 2) A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I asked him about it, he said he could stop any time. 3) Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

4) The Governor of California, Gerry Brown, announced that he intends to make it more difficult for illegal aliens to claim government and state benefits. Hell, all they have to do is print the forms in English. 5) One of my lady friends went with me to the shopping mall and I used the new valet parking. She said to me, "You are so sweet!" I told her, "Yes, and on top of that, the valet always remembers where I parked the car.".....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 22nd: Okay, I know it's Friday and you want to go out tonight and let your hair down, but remember to do a little grooming first. You know what I mean. If it doesn't rain on Saturday night, it will on Sunday so plan your barbecue accordingly. By the way, you're not going to get out of inviting your mother-in-law to the barbecue, so go ahead and buy her a bottle of Southern Comfort so she nods off early.

Birthdays: Gregory Mendel, Austrian monk known for his work in heredity 1822, Emma Lazarus, poet and essayist 1849, Edward Hopper, artist 1882, Alexander Calder, sculptor 1898, Stephen Vincent Benét, author 1898, Amy Vanderbilt, journalist, author 1908, Oscar de la Renta, fashion designer 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two Louisiana boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

A beautiful blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"

The farmer says, "Well, you can stay here, but I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. The blonde agrees.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.

Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" Luke says, "Yeah, I remember." Jed says, "Well, do you really care if she gets pregnant?" Luke says, "Nope, I reckon not." Jed says, "Me either, let's take these things off."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Pat in the U.K. and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A man had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium and it was filled with patients. He approached the desk and gave the receptionist - a large, imposing woman - his name. In a very loud voice, she repeated his name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?

The man was stunned, but recovered his composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!!"

The third-grade teacher said to little Sammy, you're late again!" Sammy said, "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Dad sleeps naked." Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Sammy what he meant, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

Little Sammy said, "Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we have a coyote. The past few nights it ate hens and killed Mom's best milk goat. Last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Mom, "That coyote's back and I'm going to get him! 'Stay back', he yelled to all us kids! He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! He crawled right up and stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, woke up and snuck up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on helpless as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's ass crack! Miss Crabtree, we been cleaning chickens since three this morning!"

That's it for today my little sea horses. Remember, don't worry if you can't recall how to throw your boomerang. It'll come back to you. Now if I can just recall how to get to AREA 51...... Anyway, have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Note to Obama And Congress: We've Had To Stop Spending Money We Don't Have And You Assholes Do Too !

Most Americans have stopped discretionary spending and are sacrificing to survive the economic condition that politicians have us in. Why doesn't our lying, campaign promise-breaking president and the coniving, thieving congress do the same? The answer is because they're positioning themselves for the 2012 elections.

President Obozo has made a veiled threat stating that if the debt ceiling is not raised and taxes aren't increased, there is a possibility that Social Security payments may not go out on August 2nd. The fact is that the treasury takes in 200 billion per month and Social Security payments are 49 billion per month. Is Obozo threatening to pay other bills first, like say Chinese treasury holders?

Obozo and the congress' funds and savings are safe. They have made sure of that because they continue to vote themselves raises and make sure that they're not included in Obamacare. They have expense accounts and countless other perks, including graft and bribe taking. To Obozo and the other assholes in Congress, politics is just a game and they're so self absorbed about their own legacy that they are leading America right down the porcelain receptacle.

Unemployment remains high, people are losing their homes and the cost of food and gasoline continues to be unacceptable. At what point in time does our leaders finally get the picture? Maybe that time will come when America starts dealing with their politicians the same way they do in Mexico and other third world countries......

New Rule for Kim Kardashian: Your father was on OJ's legal dream team so you can't Tweet your disappointment over the Casey Anthony verdict. It's like Tricia Nixon bitching about presidential corruption. And remember, your father started a proud Kardashian tradition: getting black men off.

The News As I See It: The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt. It’s the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left.

A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California. Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: "North Mexico."

President Obozo's staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November.

Schools in Detroit and Chicago are dropping writing portions from standardized test. When asked why, a spokesman said, "We don't be needing them."

A man was busted at JFK airport for smuggling six pounds of cocaine in his sneakers. That’s right, his plan was hiding cocaine in his shoes — you know, those things that you never, ever have to take off at the airport.

While criticizing President Obozo over debt talks, John Boehnerhead said quote, "It takes two to tango." Then Joe O'Biden was like, "Sure, but it only takes one to break dance."

Lawyers for Dominique Strauss Kah now say that the maid in the ritzy hotel also worked as a hooker. So he could walk. A maid who is also a hooker. That’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dream date.

This Date In History: 1793; French revolutionary Jean Paul Marat was stabbed to death in his bath by royalist sympathizer Charlotte Corday. 1863; The draft riots, protesting unfair conscription in the Civil War, began in New York City.

1865; P.T. Barnum's American Museum, which had featured Tom Thumb and the original Siamese twins Chang and Eng, was destroyed by fire. 1930; The first World Cup soccer competition began in Montevideo, Uruguay.

1943; The Battle of Kursk, the largest tank battle in history—involving some 6,000 tanks, 2,000,000 troops, and 4,000 aircraft—ended in German defeat. 1977; A 25-hour blackout hit New York City, engendering widespread rioting and looting. 2003; Iraq's interim governing council was inaugurated.

Picture Of The Day: This really says it all.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Class, it's time for sex education. Eziekel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parent's wishes, you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls. 2) A friend of mine recently told me that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night. That's just my luck, I just joined the VFW. 3) Good sex can correct poor posture...or at least make you stand up straight. 4) I'm getting nearer to the age where food tries to take the place of sex in one's life. I'm not there yet, but I have thought about putting a mirror put over my dinning room table. 5) Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck (that quacks me up!).....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer July 13th: Okay, it's not Friday, but it is the 13th. I'm just saying.... Anywho, if you do go out and brave the steamy night, wear your best under garments. You're either going to get lucky or a paramedic may have to attend to you. Hey, it's the 13th, it could go either way.....

Birthdays: Nathan Bedford Forrest, general 1821, Isaac Babel, writer 1894, Wole Soyinka, playwright, poet, novelist, essayist, and political activist 1934, Patrick Stewart, director 1940, Harrison Ford, actor 1942, Cameron Crowe, director, screenwriter 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

An elderly couple, Murray and Maude, were having trouble with their romantic lives. They visited the doctor who listened carefully, then pronounced his diagnosis. The doctor said, "At your age, you need spontaneity and immediacy. The next time you feel the urge, carry it out. I don't care it it's on the dining room table, take action."

The next month, the Murray and Maude returned for their visit. The doctor asked, "Murray, how did my suggestion work?" Murray said, "Great, but we can't eat at Denneys' anymore."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. The little girl asks, "Mommy, how old are you?" Her mother replied, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age. It's not polite." The little girl says, "Okay, how much do you weigh?" The mother says, "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother says, "That's enough questions, young lady!"

After arriving at her friends house, the two little friends begin to play in the back-yard. The little girl says. "My Mom won't tell me anything about herself." Her friend quietly replied, "All you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, mom... You are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" The little girl continues, "I also know that you weigh 130 pounds." The mother is both surprised and shocked now. Her mother says, "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"

The little girl says triumphantly, "I saw it on your driver's license. I also know why you and daddy got a divorce." Her mother says, "Oh really? Why?'' The little girl says, "Because you got an F in sex..!"

The circus came to town and an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a male and a female. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act. At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip and chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman." So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born. The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air, then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act. Think you can do better than that?" The man spit out his cigar and said, "No problem, just get that damned tiger out of the way!"

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body allover with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I sex too. I rubbed her body all over with kosher chicken fat, we made love and she screamed for 6 hours. The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?" The old Jewish man said, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

That's it for today my little monkey shines. Remember, golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at. It's hump day and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. By the way, I've given up golf. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !