9/11 Memorial Gift Shop ?

The 911 Memorial has opened in New York City. The museum at Ground Zero tells the dark story of the 9/11 terror attacks with spectacular artifacts and exhibits. It pays heart-wrenching tribute to the innocents and heroes killed that day. It also has a gift shop.

Really? A gift shop? Hey America, stop by and see the most atrocious Islamic terrorist attack on American soil in history. Take the time to remember the horrifying attack and honor the victims and loved ones. Hey! While you're there, remember to visit the gift shop. Disgusting!

Most people have little quirks that sometimes go unnoticed or are easily overlooked by others. Other peccadilloes seem to rub people the wrong way. One of the things that continue to "irk" me is the number of people, most "theoretically" educated, who persist on beginning each and every sentence with "so".

So is used as a continuation of thought. You cannot begin a conversation with the word "so". When I hear this misuse in person, I usually ask if I missed the opening statement of the conversation.

Censored Attorney General Eric Holder at a recent graduation ceremony said, "subtle, institutionalized racism has a more "pernicious" effect than the occasional bigoted outburst. Holder spoke about the different forms of racism during a commencement address Saturday at historically black Morgan State University in Baltimore.

Holder noted that in some schools districts, "significant divisions persist and segregation has reoccurred," including through discipline policies that affect black males more than whites. He says the Justice Department is working to reduce racial disparities in sentencing and he says some states have placed new restrictions on voting that disproportionately impact African-Americans.

Really Eric....really? If you, Obama and Al Sharpton didn't have a race card to play, you'd all be serving time!

The News As I See It: The new "Godzilla" movie opened over the weekend. In this movie, Godzilla is the first openly gay lizard. They're finally able to control Godzilla when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie closes down the George Washington Bridge.

New York City is now bidding on the 2024 Olympics. It was announced earlier today that New York City has been awarded the 2016 Kim Kardashian wedding.

The stadium hosting the opening match of the World Cup still isn’t ready yet because there are problems with 20,000 seats. When asked what’s wrong with the seats, officials said, "There’s no stadium built around them."

A new report found that the average life expectancy for women in the U.S. is 81, while the average life expectancy for men is 76. Or as both husbands and wives put it, “Good.”

There will be a socially relevant show on CBS about the first openly gay detective. He has a heightened sense of fashion.

This Date In History: 1536; Anne Boleyn, the second wife of King Henry VIII, was beheaded. 1588; The 130-ship-strong Spanish Armada set sail for England; it was defeated in August.

1643; The colonies of Massachusetts Bay, Plymouth, Connecticut, and New Harbor met to form the New England Confederation. 1921; Congress passed the Emergency Quota Act, establishing national quotas for immigrants.

1928; The first annual Calaveras County "Frog Jumping Jubilee" was held in Angel's Camp, California. 1935; British author and soldier, T. E. Lawrence, also known as "Lawrence of Arabia," died from injuries sustained in a motorcycle crash.

1962; Marilyn Monroe sang “Happy Birthday” to president John F. Kennedy. 1992; The 27th Amendment to the Constitution, which prohibited Congress from giving itself midterm pay raises, went into effect. 1994; Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died in New York.

Picture Of The Day: California Chrome won the second leg of the coveted Triple Crown with his great win of the Preakness Stakes Saturday. The Belmont Stakes is the remaining obstacle in the quest for the Triple Crown and will be run at Belmont Park, N,Y. in three weeks.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When my wife and I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside. 2) I love Ebay. I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month. 3) I'm pretty sure it's pronounced ASK body spray, thank you. 4) My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them. 5) Even the stick figure woman on my girlfriend's back window has a headache.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 19th: Ten people will confess a manic love for you this week. And to think, one in twelve people that read this horoscope will find the same to be true. Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garner their trust and you can take advantage of them.

Birthdays: My friend Patt - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Johns Hopkins, financier and philanthropist 1795, Nancy Astor politician 1879, Ho Chi Minh, Vietnamese President 1890, Lorraine Hansberry, playwright 1930, Nora Ephron, screenwriter, director 1941, Pete Townshend, musician, composer 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you:

Dear Kean Elementary;

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I know where to find my hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

A man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account." To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" The man said, "Listen up damn it, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now." The teller said, "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" The man says, "There's no damn problem. I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin' checking account in this damn bank!" The manager said, "I see, sir, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Three men got married to Latin women. The first man married a woman from Venezuela. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Mexico. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Cuba. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

That's it for today, my little pop tops. Remember, be careful with your razor. The first Mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Government: One Lies And The Other Swears To It

The government is a joke! It is filled with liars, bribes and cronyism. Attorney General has been censured by Congress with no apparent effect or punishment. Soon to be censured IRS head Lois Lerner will probably escape from any serious punishment, as well.

Former CIA head Mike Morell altered the talking point on Benghazi (surely at the behest of Obama for re-election purposes) and he won't be punished either. Moreover, Morell left the CIA in 2013 and joined a Washington, D.C. consultancy co-founded by the principal gatekeeper to Hillary Clinton, thus covering her cankled ass as well.

Now we have Al Sharpton, now also known as "Confidential Informant No. 7," The longtime race-baiting agitator and civil-rights activist was exposed Monday as an alleged former key FBI informant whose tips helped take down some of the biggest names in New York Mafia history.

The Smoking Gun reported, as other news organizations have in the past, that Sharpton became an informant after he was caught on a video nodding along as a drug kingpin discussed cocaine deals. His cooperation allegedly prevented the possibility that he would be charged.

This is the tip of the iceberg, folks. The government has lost or "misplaced" billions of dollars of tax payer monies and no one can find it. Here's a thought. Try looking in the accounts of Congressmen, their families, their businesses and their associated friendly contractors. This is one of the reasons that a hammer cost $600.....incompetence.

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The News As I See It: A Michigan couple is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it sounds like they might not have $2 million.

San Francisco Police are looking for a group of thugs who have been tipping Smart cars over. Well, they’re assuming it’s thugs. It could have just been a stiff breeze.

The archbishop of Atlanta is being forced to sell a $2.2 million mansion he bought using church funds. The bishop said he wanted the extra space because he was tired of only moving diagonally.

David Letterman has announced that he is retiring and the reaction has been overwhelming, but the most impressive reaction is that now he's seeing kind of a wistful tone to his hate mail. About a year from now, he'll be doing commercials for reverse mortgages.

Married Louisiana Congressman Vance McAllister is in a bit of hot water. He was caught by a security camera making out with one of his staffers. Where was this security camera? In his own office....

Al Sharpton responded to accusations that he served as an FBI informant, saying, "I was not and am not a rat. I’m a cat. I chase rats." He added, "I was not an informant on a boat, I was not an informant on a goat, I was not an informant in the rain, I was not an informant on a train."

This Date In History: 1731; Robert Jenkins's ear was cut off, sparking the War of Jenkins’s Ear between Spain and England. 1865; Gen. Robert E. Lee surrendered to Gen. Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House.

1914; The first full-color film, The World, The Flesh and the Devil, was shown in London. 1939; Contralto Marian Anderson, after being denied performing at Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C., gave a concert at the Lincoln Memorial.

1942; American and Philippine troops on Bataan were overwhelmed by Japanese forces during World War II. The "Bataan Death March" began soon after.

1959; NASA announced the selection of America’s first astronauts, including Alan Shepard and John Glenn. 1963; Winston Churchill became the first honorary U.S. citizen. 1992; Former Panamanian ruler Manuel Noriega was convicted of drug and racketeering charges.

2003; American Marines pulled down Saddam Hussein’s statue in Baghdad after U.S. commanders declared his rule ended. 2005; Britain's Prince Charles marries Camilla Parker Bowles.

Picture Of The Day: Speaking of a corrupt government, your taxes are due April 15th.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried playing an Indian song. 2) Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport. 3) Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna? Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe? 4) Like my therapist always says, "I'm not your therapist, you're just laying on a couch in Ikea." 5) I haven't seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Give a someone a fish and they can eat for a day. Give a someone a jelly fish and you can pee on them.

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 9th: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but a beerholder with a Budweiser in it would be handy, just in case. 

Birthdays: My friend Lisa - Happy Birthday 19XX, Charles Baudelaire, poet 1821, Eadweard Muybridge, photographer 1830, Paul Robeson, American actor and bass singer 1898, J. William Fulbright, senator 1905, Jean-Paul Belmondo, actor 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot. The man exclaimed, "No way, no needles! I hate needles!."

So the dentist started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank and the man said, “I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me! The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. He said, "No, I'm fine with pills."

So, the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. He asked, "What are those?" She replied, "Viagra." The patient said, " I'll be damned. I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." The dentist replied,, "It doesn't, but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Her ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to him and immediately began to apologize. She told him, "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain, if you'd allow me." The man replied. "Oh no, I'll be fine in a few minutes." He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

The Doctor said, "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long." Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" The man answered, "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" The salesman replied, "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" The salesman said, "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

That's it for today, my little Frosted Flakes. Remember, regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. If things go well, I'm going over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Listen.....Do You Want To Know A Secret ?

Edward Snowden is the person who recently leaked the fact that NSA has tapped phones and the Internet illegally. Didn't America already believe that anyway? Talk about leaks, the Obama Administration helped and gave classified information to the producers of the film "Killing Bin Laden", about how Navy Seal Team killed Usama bin Laden.

So what on earth was the White House thinking when it invited people in the entertainment industry, whose job it is to publicize information, to not only get leaks, but entire treasure troves of classified information, directly from sources so secret their names are still redacted in documents released to the public?

Leaking classified information probably happens more frequently in Washington than it has any right to. The capital is filled with lobbyists, defense contractors and legislative aides, all of whom probably know more information about America’s defense or intelligence infrastructure than is, strictly speaking, secure.

Nevertheless, these leaks tend to be kept under the radar, and happen in places far away from the halls of power in order to minimize institutional culpability.

When leaked information goes public, when journalist Robert Novak outed CIA agent Valerie Plame and when Eric Holder said he knew nothing (although he signed off and approved same) of the IRS illegally tapping the phone of Fox News reporter James Rosen, scandals will follow in the wake.

I don't think that Snowden should be allowed to get away with leaking information. I do believe he should receive the same punishment as Obama, his asshole lap dog Eric Holder and all the other government lackeys from top to bottom who willingly leak information and cause scandals when it's politically convenient.

The News As I See It: The White House closed the gift shop and opened a Verizon store after it was revealed that the National Security Agency seized millions of Verizon phone records. How ironic is that? We wanted a president who listens to all Americans. Now we have one.

The Obama White House is looking through our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our emails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen?

The IRS has taken some heat for reportedly spending $4 million on a conference in Anaheim last year, where employees took dancing lessons. One of the dances they learned? Tap dancing around the issues. If Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS the next time they throw a $4 million party? Why don’t you do that?

Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife announced that they are getting a divorce after almost 30 years of marriage. When asked why, Putin said, “We tried to make it work, but you know what they say: Men are from Malgobek, women are from Kadnikov.”

This Date In History: 1801; The Tripolitan War, between the United States and the Barbary States, began. 1865; Wagner's opera, Tristan and Isolde, premiered in Munich. 1935; Alcoholics Anonymous was founded by "Bill W."

1942; The entire male population of the Czech village of Lidice was massacred in retaliation for the death of Nazi official Reinhard Heydrich. 1946; Italy replaced its monarchy with a republic.

1967; The Six-Day War between Israel and Syria, Egypt, and Jordan ended. 1978; Affirmed won the Belmont Stakes and the Triple Crown. 2003; Ontario, Canada issued the first full same-sex marriage licenses in North America.

Picture Of The Day: The caption read, "Man saves Dog During Flood". As we all know, there's always some idiot who feels he or she is obligated to comment on everything, whether they're aware of the facts or not. Said "Idiot" wrote, "This is photo shopped. We know that dogs can swim."

Dear idiot: What if the dog had been treading water for hours and was exhausted? Worse yet, what if the animal is injured? Do yourself a favor and allow us only to believe you're an idiot. Once you write or speak, we then know you're an idiot!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady, I always hand her a card that states "A mild sense of nausea is perfectly normal." 2) When a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in." 3) Yoga pants explained: Fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it holds 9 times what it's supposed to. 4) People tell me that I have a lot of patience. The fact is that there are just too many witnesses around. 5) Have you seen the new movie, "Constipation"? It may not have come out yet.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 10th: All of that which you experience today will be catalogued under "things not to do in public again". Love moves in mysterious ways, mostly of them diagonal. Your love life is ready to flourish.

Birthdays: Gustave Courbet, painter 1819, Hattie McDaniel, singer and actress 1895, Saul Bellow, novelist 1915, Judy Garland, actress 1922, Robert Maxwell, business executive 1923, Tara Lipinski, figure skater 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy walked into a bar and after a couple of drinks, said to the bartender, "I’ve got this great Polish joke."

The bartender glared and warned him, "Before you go telling that joke, I I think you ought to know that I’m Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish."

The guy replies, Okay, I’ll tell it slowly."

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket.

Just at that moment, he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hey boss, did you see that fellow just now? He came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip and rushed out without paying."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Because they’ve spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town, Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home. Dave has a drunken idea and says, "Let’s steal a bus!" He persuades Eric to break into the bus station.

Twenty minutes later, Eric has failed to emerge. Dave sticks his head round the door and asks, "What on earth are you doing?" A distressed Eric replies, "I can’t find a number seven anywhere." Dave Shouts in disbelief, "You idiot, just steal a number nine. We can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way."

The car sped off the highway, went through the guard rail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.The motorist said, "Good lord, mister, are you drunk?” The driver said, "Of course I'm drunk! What the hell do you think I am....a stunt driver?”

A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off, he asked her name. She replied. "Carmen." The guy said, "That’s a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"

The guys said, "That’s interesting. Why Carmen?" Carmen said, "Because I like cars and I like men." Looking directly into his eyes she asked, "So what’s your name?" He replied, "Beertits."

That's it for today, my little tiddly winks. Remember, the word "vegetarian" is an Cherokee Indian definition meaning "lousy hunter".

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

TV Commercials For The Hard Of Understanding

How many times have you been watching a television commercial for some piece of crap and they say, "A $200 value." Really? By whom? Then, they cut the price of the item from $200 to $19.95. Another phrase you hear is, "But wait! There's more!" Well, they're right, there is more.

They proceed to tell you that they will give an additional product for the same price. Then comes the hook, "Just pay separate shipping and handling." By the time you finish, you're paying through the nose. Sometimes, they give you a guarantee. Guess what? It costs less than $200 to form a corporation and your guarantee dies the same day the corporation is abandoned.

The old "Not sold in stores" line is used a lot. It's not sold in stores because the product is usually a piece of crap the store wouldn't sell anyway. The trick to discovering the "hooks" in advertising is to listen to or read the information carefully.

One of my favorites is the many clothing stores which always run ads touting "buy one suit and get one free." The hook is the offer is on "most suits".

Translation? Suits and clothing manufactured by Armani, Gucci, Givenchy, Pierre Cardin and other designers are not part of the sale. The reason? The designer suits cost between $500 to $1,500 dollars. Your sale suit designer will be Roy Rogers. You can get the same quality level of the "buy one, get one free" suits by going to Sears or JCPenney.

I don't trust attorneys who advertise. You rarely see advertising by any attorney worth his salt on TV. One of the TV hooks is "you don't pay unless we win your case." Big deal! Any attorney listed in the yellow pages goes by the same rule. It's not an isolated nor exclusive offer.

Attorneys say you can come in for a free consultation. This is true, but it helps the attorney determine if he'll make money with your case. If not, they show you the door. The real hook? They get 33 and 1/3 percent if they settle out of court and 50 percent of the proceeds if they win. Such a deal.....!

The use of black actor placement in TV commercials has tripled since Obama was elected. My assumption is that Madison Avenue advertising executives figure that if America was stupid enough to elect Barry Obama, they'll buy just about any piece of shit that includes a black character.

My favorites are the two Obama looking spokesmen who represent All State and State Farm insurance companies. They're always solving problems for stupid white people, who for some reason, are unable to understand life or make decisions by themselves since Obama was elected.

Based on these observations and poor Republican candidate options, the TV advertising base after the 2016 presidential election will be represented by stodgy old fat women wearing pants suits.

Oh, and before I forget, any site that claims to speed up your computer (PCmatic, My Clean PC, Rotorooter your PC, Kiss my Lily White PC, et al) are out and out ruses and scams aimed at the hard of understanding.

The bottom line? As advertisement goes, don't believe anything you hear and half of what you see and chances are, you'll save yourself a lot of time and money.

Question: If you put a cup in a cupholder and a toothbrush in a toothbrush holder, what do you put in an Eric Holder? Answer: Sodium Pentathol 

The News As I See It: Monday was Memorial Day, a day when we honor men and women who've defended this country. To them I say thank you. And every year, we as Americans celebrate Memorial Day the best way we know how......by having sales at mattress stores and car dealerships.

There are reports that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may have another child with a woman who is not his wife. People say the baby looks just like him – though in fairness, pretty much all babies look just like him.

Lately, Obama cannot swing a dead cat without hitting some sort of scandal. Which reminds me, what's he doing with all of these dead cats? 

This Date In History: 1765; Patrick Henry bitterly denounced the Stamp Act in the Virginia House of Burgesses. 1790; Rhode Island became the 13th state in the United States, the last of the original colonies to ratify the Constitution.

1848; Wisconsin became the 30th state in the United States. 1917; John F. Kennedy was born in Brookline, Massachusetts 1942; Bing Crosby recorded his version of “White Christmas.” It would go on to sell over 30 million copies.

1953; Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay became the first to reach the summit of Mount Everest. 1990; Boris Yeltsin was elected president of the Russian republic by the parliament.

Picture Of The Day: Technically, not a picture, but it sure makes things abundantly clearer.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend and I are re-enacting "Titanic". We're at the part where Rose is naked on the couch. I can't draw well. I think my pencil may be out of lead. 2) The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over. 3) Word of the day: exhaustipated.....too tired to give a shit. 4) If a tree falls in the forest and my girlfriend's not there to witness it, it'll be my fault when I get home. 5) The doctor said, "I'm sorry sir, your mother-in-law didn't make it." I answered, "Was it the lack of prayers on Facebook?" The doctor replied, "Yes sir, I'm afraid it was".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 29th: Dogs will find themselves inexplicably attracted to your shins this week. You might see a waning of your libido after your partner decides to shave their hair. Despite this, seek solace in the bosom of your loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there.

Birthdays: Patrick Henry, statesman 1736, Bob Hope, American comedian 1903, T. H. White, author 1906, John F. Kennedy, 35th President of the United States 1917, Al Unser, Sr., auto racer, Indianapolis 500 winner 1939, Melissa Ethridge, musician 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old couple went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so the nurse scheduled immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass."

After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."

The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets.

Then his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

He said, "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. I'm with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure.....cross my heart"

Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed." Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I'm done for today, my little primroses. Remember, a true dilemma is when your fifteen-year-old daughter brings home a guy with a rainbow colored Mohawk hairdo, but your garden is already completely full of corpses. Time to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now (*joke text is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added*).  More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !