By The Way, Did You Know.....

A recent study conducted by the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurt, and shit like that.

Did you know that if you sell your house after 2012 you will pay a 3.8% sales tax on it? That's $3,800 on a $100,000 home etc. When did this happen? It's in the healthcare bill. Under the new health care bill, all real estate transactions will be subject to a 3.8% sales tax The bulk of these new taxes don't kick in until 2013 (presumably after Obozo's re-election).

You can thank Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Obozo and your local Democrat Congressman for this one. If you sell your $400,000 home, there will be a $15,200 tax. This bill is set to screw the retiring generation who often downsize their homes. Is this Hope & Change great or what? Does this make your November 2010 and 2012 votes more important?

General Motors, who was bailed out by the government using our U.S. federal dollars, is now making political contributions to candidates. What's wrong with this picture? Let's see.... Senator Lipschitz votes to bailout GM with our tax dollars and then GM makes a financial contribution to Senator Lipschitz's campaign. That's either immoral or incestuous at best. Hey, is this a great country or what?

President Obozo's aunt, Zeituni Onyango, says she's done nothing wrong by illegally living in the United States for years and is therefore deserving of amnesty. Onyango told a Boston's WBZ news that, "If I come as an immigrant, you have the obligation to make me a citizen."

Onyango described how she came to America in 2000 from her native Kenya, fell ill and was hospitalized. Upon her release, Onyango told WBZ, she was out of money. So rather than return to her homeland, she continued to live in the country in violation of immigration laws.

After stints in a Boston homeless shelter, Onyango was eventually put in public housing and began receiving disability payments. In 2004, an immigration judge ordered her to leave the country, but Onyango remained. Onyango says that she received no help from Obozo as her case was reviewed by Judge Leonard Shapiro, who ruled in May that Onyango could remain in the United States.....Right!

The News As I See It: There are rumors going around that Facebook is building a cell phone. It’s pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school.

Christine O’Donnell says that she once had a date on a Satanic altar. Hey, who hasn’t? Sarah Palin tweeted a warning to Christine O’Donnell that the national media is seeking her destruction. That is ridiculous. If the media wanted to destroy her, they would just douse her with water.

The Pope met the Queen of England and they both said the same thing to each other - "Nice hat."

A Frenchman named Philippe Croizon with no arms or legs swam across the English Channel in less than 14 hours. In related news, I watched four hours of the Home Shopping Network because I couldn’t find the remote and the TV was over 5 feet away.

In the spoiled celebrity department. an arrest warrant was issued for Lindsay Lohan after she failed a court-ordered drug test. Maybe that’s what she meant when she said she wanted to be "more positive." After pleading guilty to cocaine possession, Paris Hilton was ordered to pay a $2,000 fine, which is what one of her shoes costs.

This Date In History: 1776; Nathan Hale was hanged by the British as a spy during the Revolutionary War. 1789; Congress authorized the office of Postmaster-General. 1792; The French Republic was proclaimed.

1862; President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, proposing to free all slaves of rebel states as of Jan. 1, 1863. 1980; The Persian Gulf conflict between Iran and Iraq erupted into full-scale war. 1989; Songwriter Irving Berlin died in New York City at age 101.

Picture Of The Day: The Photoshop gang always provides me with great pictures for political fodder with their chop pictures. These are a few of the recent ones that amused me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. 2) I went to a bar last week that had a black light. Everybody looked cool except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. 3) I think if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. 4) You know those fishing shows on TV? They catch a fish and then let it go. I wonder if the male fish goes home and his wife says, "Where were you?" Then the male fish says, "I got caught!" Then, the female fish says, "I don't believe you, let me see the inside of your lip." 5) We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we didn't laugh that evening when he came back with a whore he picked up in town......and that's five !

Birthdays: Michael Faraday, English scientist 1791, Theodore Clement Steele, artist 1847, Babette Deutsch, poet 1895, Tommy Lasorda, baseball manager 1927.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just won't take no for an answer. The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"This guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! The mortician said, "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz, but I can't send you off to be cremated with a huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. The mortician, opening his briefcase, said, "Honey, I have something to show you that you won't believe." His wife looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! Schwartz is dead!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A woman and her boyfriend are speeding down a country lane after leaving a party. The woman decides she wants to have some fun so she takes off all of her clothes so she can flash other motorists. Unfortunately, the man gets a little distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear, but the man is trapped and stuck in the wreckage.

The only cover she can find is one of her boyfriend’s shoes, so she holds it over her crotch and runs for help. A drunk is sitting outside a nearby bar and she shouts to him, "Help my boyfriend is stuck!" The drunk looks at the shoe and says, "I'll call an ambulance for help but from the looks of it, I'd say your boyfriend's a goner!"

A tribe of Indians captures a cowboy and brings him back to their camp. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy whispers something into the horse's ear and the horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man. Going to die and can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears and yells, "Read my lips! Posse! P-o-s-s-e!"

That's it for today my little song birds. Remember, God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. It's Hump Day and that in itself is a reason to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

I Like Pork And Beans !

I like pork and beans, especially Bush Beans. Their beans come in many varieties, including onion and maple syrup, and make them especially tasty, They go quite well with any meal or barbecue. There is one minor drawback to the consumption of beans and that can be quite unpleasant or very funny depending on where one is sitting. Butt, there's just something about flatulence that always makes me laugh under most conditions.

The garden variety of jokes that stem from this unpredictable condition are usually childish and one would think that most adults would not be amused by such a cheap antic. One would think.....

While obviously taboo in mixed company, most men turn into school kids upon hearing a loud flatulent report and find this extremely funny. Almost any joke referring to flatulence always brings a grin to their faces.

Probably one of the funniest movie scenes I've ever seen came from the movie "Blazing Saddles." The setting is a campfire in the wild west where a group of cowboys are sitting around the campfire and eating beans. The only "dialogue" comes in the form of a barrage of flatulence from all the cowboys.

While I'm not sure how most women reacted to that scene, I can verify that the majority of men who watched it howled with laughter. I guess men are just overgrown kids at heart and the some of the simplest and most absurd humor usually evokes a laugh. Go figure.....

The Internet turns 40 today and I'm not sure if the technology revolution has made me a better person or has reduced me to a couch potato sitting in front of the computer. The fast and easy access to information makes it very attractive to me, but by the same token, it sometimes has me hooked until the wee hours of the morning.

My pal, Victor sent me an email a week or two ago and asked me to add some of his favorite music groups to my playlist (which I gladly did). Later, in another email, he told me that sometimes he goes to my journal and just leaves my playlist on in the background while he's online doing other things. It never dawned on me to do that, but I guess it's like listening to commercial free satellite radio. I encourage all of my readers to suggest any songs or groups that they would like to hear and I'll be happy to add them. That is, with the exception of hip-hop.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT Award) has one nominee so far this week, that being that sick piece of shit, Phillip Garrido. Nominations will remain open until Thursday at 12:00 noon, so if someone or something comes to mind, please feel free to make a nomination.

This Date In History: 31 BC; The forces of Mark Antony and Cleopatra are decisively defeated near Actium by the Roman army of Octavian (later known as Augustus), allowing Octavian to consolidate his rule of the Roman empire. 1666; The Great Fire of London starts in a bakery in Pudding Lane. The fire devastates the city, destroying many buildings, including St Paul's Cathedral and the Guildhall.

1898; The Battle of Omdurman is fought at Omdurman, Sudan, between a British-commanded Anglo-Egyptian army and a larger Sudanese army. 1945; On board the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay, Japanese officials make their formal surrender to the United States, ending the conflict between the two countries in World War II.

1945; Ho Chi Minh, leader of the Vietminh, declares the independence of the Democratic Republic of Vietnam from France, beginning an eight-year colonial war that will result in a partitioned country. 1969; In a lab at the University of California, Los Angeles, two computers passed test data through a 15-foot gray cable. Stanford Research Institute joined the fledgling ARPANET network a month later. UC Santa Barbara and the University of Utah joined by year's end and the Internet was born.

Picture Of The Day: If Janet Jackson could make world news for her now renown "wardrobe malfunction", I guess it's an option for all females, including Miss Piggy. Methinks, however, not all females would be as successful though. The though of a wardrobe by the likes of Nancy Pelosi or Joan Rivers makes me shudder.

Birthdays: John Howard, British philanthropist and social reformer 1726, Louis Bonaparte, younger brother of Napoleon, born in Ajaccio, Corsica, and educated at the military school at Châlons-sur-Marne (now Châlons-en-Champagne), France 1778, Wilhelm Ostwald, German physical chemist 1853, Frederick Soddy, British chemist and Nobel laureate 1877.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) California is over thirty billion dollars in debt and they can't pay it back, so they decided to set it on fire and collect the insurance. 2) If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it! It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi. 3) I have no idea how the thought of Bush Beans and flatulence came to mind for today's entry, except for the fact that I did devour a can of the onion flavor this week. Perhaps that's why my cat, Possum, did not opt to sit on my lap as he normally does. 4) Apple is expected to release the new iPod very soon, but they’re not saying when. My guess is that the most likely release date will be exactly one day after you buy the current iPod. 5) It's a bad sign when you have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.....and that's five !

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two 70-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?" The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon. Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle!" Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest sad, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." The drunk muttered, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper,

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk replied, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

The reverend said sternly, "Mrs. Fitzgerald, this is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" With a slur and obviously very drunk, she said, "Sure!" When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

That's it for today my little tinker toys. Remember he who breaks wind in church sits in his own pew. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !