Have You Experienced Haboobs? Ha Yes!

In the interest of keeping my friends and readers aware of scientific information that affects America, I would like to make you aware of a phenomenon that occasionally plagues Arizona, along with the normal infestation of illegal aliens and drug smugglers.

Giant dust storms sometimes inundate the cities. Scientists refer to the phenomenon as a haboob, an Arabic word meaning.....uh, giant dust storm. Phoenix is the only city in the southwest that has had to face a large pair of haboobs.

Yes, it's true. Giant haboobs cab take the Phoenix Area by storm and scientist are still unsure how to warn residents of the severity of the storm. Hurricanes, for example, are rated as category one, two, et cetera.

Tornadoes are referred to as F1, F2 and so on. Leading meteorologists are considering rating the severity of the haboobs as A, B, C, D and the dangerous Double D.

While reporters are "embedded" in war situations and weather reporters "hunker down" during hurricanes, I feel it would only be natural for weather reporters to be "implanted" in the larger haboobs. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton is coming out with a book called "What Happened"(?). Out of habit, Bill Clinton immediately came out with his own book called, "Baby, I Can Explain."

In the book, Hillary calls Donald Trump a "creep" who "made her skin crawl." If Trump is a "creep" for merely being near Hillary, one wonders how she feels when she thinks about Bill and Monica Lewinsky's escapades in the Oval Office.

This Date In History: 1718; New Orleans was founded by French settlers and named after the Duke of Orleans. 1825; Uruguay declared its independence from Brazil. 1875; Matthew Webb became the first person to swim across the English Channel. It took him 21 hours and 45 minutes.

1916; The Department of the Interior created the National Park Service to manage and preserve national parks and monuments for future generations. 1944; Paris was liberated from Nazi occupation by Allied forces.

1984; Author Truman Capote was found dead in Los Angeles. 2001; Singer and actress Aaliyah died in a plane crash in the Bahamas. 2003; NASA launched the infrared Spitzer Space Telescope.

2009; Edward "Ted" Kennedy, who served as a Democratic senator from Massachusetts since 1962, dies. He was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor in 2008. 2012; The first human to walk on the moon, Neil Armstrong, died after suffering complications from a heart bypass.

Picture Of The Day: A Haboob engulfs a city. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Politicians should be limited to two terms: One in office and one in prison. 2) Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Wednesday. 3) I was getting amorous with one of my lady friends and just as the moment drew near, she said, "Please practice safe sex". So, I locked the truck door. 4) Miami's a wonderful city although some of its citizens are very rude. I went to the library yesterday and said, "I'd like a card." The librarian said, "You have to prove you're a citizen of Miami", so I stabbed him.  5) I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes and difficulty breathing after sex. He told me it was just the Mace.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 25th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.

Birthdays: Allan Pinkerton, detective 1819, Sir Hans Adolf Krebs, biochemist 1900, Leonard Bernstein, American composer, conductor and pianist 1918, George Wallace, governor 1919, Althea Gibson, tennis player 1927, Sean Connery, actor 1930, Regis Philbin, TV personality 1934, Tim Burton, director 1958. 

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing, "Freeze a jolly good fellow" and then they kick him in the ice hole....

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. She made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window and said, "Young lady, I would like three pickets to Tittsburg." He completely lost his composure and scurried away.

The second priest goes to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too hurried away.

The third priest moves to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, I must say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "You have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second guy said, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool." The third guy said, "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house. So the first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

The fourth guy smiled and said "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater'."

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?"

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole. It holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

One of the other golfers said, "That must have been horrible!" Bob said, "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

That's it for today, my little rose buds. Remember, alcohol was illegal in this country from 1919 to 1933. So for 14 long years, not a single person sang karaoke. Speaking of karaoke, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !

I Don't Know If Those Were Real Haboobs I Saw In Arizona, But They Were Definitely Spectacular !

In the interest of keeping my friends and readers aware of all pertinent new scientific information that affects America, I would like to make you aware of a new phenomenon that is plaguing Arizona in addition to the normal infestation of illegal aliens and drug smugglers.

For the second time in the last thirty days, a giant dust storm inundated the city of Phoenix. Scientists refer to the phenomenon as a haboob, an Arabic word meaning.....uh, giant dust storm. Phoenix is the only city in the southwest that has had to face a large pair of haboobs.

Yes, it's true. Giant haboobs are taking the Phoenix Area by storm and scientist are unsure how to warn residents of the severity of the storm. Hurricanes, for example, are rated as category one, two, et cetera. Tornadoes are referred to as F1, F2 and so on. Leading meteorologists are considering rating the severity of the haboobs as A, B, C, D and the dangerous Double D.

While reporters are "embedded" in war situations and weather reporters "hunker down" during hurricanes, I feel it would only be natural for weather reporters to be "implanted" in the larger haboobs. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: It doesn't surprise me that the British police couldn’t stop the high-tech phone hackers. They couldn’t even stop a guy walking into parliament with a pie.

President Obozo said he turns 50 this week, but he actually doesn’t turn 50 until August 4th. This means that even he hasn’t seen his birth certificate.

The California 405 freeway is being widened, retrofitted and reinforced. Or as they call that in Los Angeles, "getting the full Kardashian."

A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA.

Philadelphia has a new plan to ticket pedestrians who text without looking up while they walk....as opposed to the previous punishment - lamp posts.

This Date In History: 1810; Colombia declared independence from Spain. 1881; Fugitive Sioux Indian leader Sitting Bull surrendered to federal troops. 1951; King Abdullah I of Jordan was assassinated. 1960; Sirima Bandaranaike of Sri Lanka (then Ceylon) became the world's first woman prime minister.

1969; Astronaut Neil A. Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon. 1985; Treasure hunters found the Spanish galleon Nuestra Senora de Atocha, which sank off the coast of Key West, Florida, in 1622 during a hurricane. The ship contained over $400 million in coins and silver ingots.

Picture Of The Day: One thing about haboobs, they always make me think of Kim Kardashian....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. 2) Credit cards are very dangerous. Every time I try to use one of mine, somebody starts chasing me with scissors. 3) Everybody has to believe in something. I believe I'll have a scotch on the rocks. 4) Everyone wants to save the earth, but nobody wants to help with the dishes. 5) I may be getting older, but I've still got it. But lately, nobody wants to see it.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 20th: Today could be your lucky day, so buy a lottery ticket. Don't go apeshit, it only takes one winning ticket to solve your financial woes. And please don't confuse woe with whoa, it'll really hamper your sex life. On a brighter note, your mother-in-law lost her voice arguing with your father-in-law last night, so she'll have nothing to say when she pops in this afternoon. Buy low, sell high!

Birthdays: Petrarch, poet and humanist 1304, Sir Edmund Hillary, New Zealand mountain climber and explorer 1919, Elliot Lee Richardson, government official 1920, Cormac McCarthy, novelist 1933, Natalie Wood, actress 1938, Carlos Santana, musician 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." 'An elderly nun in the back muttered, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minute, he turned to leave.

The reporter approached him and said, "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" The man replied, "Murray Lipschitz." She asked, "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" The old man said, "For about 60 years." The reporter said, "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" The old man said, "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults."

The reporter asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" The old man replies, "Like I'm talking to a f*ckin' wall."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Frances for her contribution to today's stories.

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no." The man raved on, "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk said, "Well, I probably wouldn't."

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters "C Z A N O W I C Z." The optician asked, "Can you read this?" The Polish guy replied, "Read it? I know the guy!"

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He puts the alligator up on the bar, turns to the astonished patrons and says, "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his unit unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and said, "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. An old woman stood up and timidly said, "I'll try, but promise me you won't hit me on the head with that beer bottle."

That's it for today my little onion rings. Remember, the National Schizophrenic Convention is this Friday. Anybody who's everybody will be there! It's Hump Day, and time for a midweek excursion to AREA 51 for happy hour and maybe some Karaoke. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !