I woke up this morning at 8 am and could smell something was wrong. I went downstairs and found my girlfriend passed out drunk on the kitchen floor. For a moment I panicked until I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
I'm kidding, of course! She had deflated and passed out on the couch. Besides, McDonald's serves breakfast all day long.
The News As I See It: The FDA says it found "serious health violations" at some Whole Foods stores and actually sent Whole Foods a warning letter. In response, Whole Foods shredded the letter, mixed it with some kale, and is now selling it for $18 a pound.
Kim Kardashian appears nude on the current cover of "GQ," with the headline "Kim as you've never seen her." Which I can only assume means in a library?
Authorities are warning people to avoid swimming in some New Jersey rivers because of increased numbers of so-called clinging jellyfish. Though if you're swimming in New Jersey rivers, you're probably not big on warnings.
This Date In History: 1756;
British soldiers were thrown into the cell known as the "Black Hole of Calcutta."
1782;
The Great Seal of the United States was adopted.
1819;
The 320-ton Savannah became the first steamship to cross the Atlantic. 1837;
Queen Victoria ascended the British throne.
1863;
West Virginia became the 35th state in the United States.
1893;
Lizzie Borden, accused of murdering her parents, was found innocent by a jury in New Bedford, Mass.
1967;
Muhammad Ali was convicted of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted.
Picture Of The Day: The company who will soon employ robots to replace $15 per hour hamburger flippers.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I sleep better naked. Why doesn’t the flight attendant understand this?
2) I get out of awkward party conversations by telling people it's my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial. 3) Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got into their house. 4) Thanks to all the Facebook moms for posting their ultrasound photos of the new babies. Here's one of an MRI of my knee. 5) A six year old boy was recently kicked out of school and suspended for kissing a girl's hand. I glad all these laws are being passed now. When I was six years old, I was not a licensed physician, so I would have been doing hard time by the fourth grade.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 20th: Be grateful that you have a good network of friends and family. Even if you lose a few friends, you still have your family....,well, except maybe Uncle Frank.
Screaming "Death to the Infidel!" as you're walking through busy airports or shopping centers will leave you with bruises in special places.
Birthdays: Jacques Offenbach, composer 1819, Lloyd Augustus Hall, chemist 1894, Audie Murphy, war veteran, actor 1924, Olympia Dukakis, actress 1931, José Alexandre “Xanana” Gusmão, revolutionary leader 1946, Robert Rodriguez, filmmaker 1968.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man mowed his lawn and after doing so, he sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. His wife walked by and asked him what he was doing and he said "nothing."
The reason he said that instead of saying "just thinking" is because she would have said, "about what?" At that point, he would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally, he thought about an age old question. Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, he have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for his conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
Down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck.
Another hunter asked, "Where's Harry?" Harry's Partner answered, "He fainted a couple miles up the trail." The other hunter asked, "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"
Harry's partner replied, "It was a tough decision, but I figured no one is going to steal Harry."
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00."
The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?" The Indian says, "yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, ""you're on."
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming." The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right" and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana." The dejected cowboy walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff."
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas."
The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?" The Indian replies, "By the wool on your zipper."
That's it for today, my little emus. Remember, some people are like 5-year-olds. They shake heads in agreement, but you know by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
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The way Donald Trump expressed himself was wrong, but his point has merit. Judge Gonzalo Curiel, the judge in the lawsuit against Trump University, is a member of the La Raza Lawyers of San Diego. Trump wants to build a Mexican border wall. Conflict? Yep!
Judge Curiel, whose parents immigrated to America from Mexico, also oversaw the gift of a law school scholarship to an illegal alien.
In his 2011 judicial questionnaire to become a federal judge, Curiel revealed his history with La Raza. GotNews.com originally reported this Tuesday and The Daily Caller has independently verified.
Curiel lists "La Raza Lawyers of San Diego" as a legal association he has been a part of in the questionnaire.
Curiel’s office at the United States District Court for the Southern District of California confirmed to The Daily Caller the judge’s membership in the group.
Curiel reveals more ties to the group in his questionnaire.
He has spoken at two receptions held by La Raza Lawyers of San Diego, the most recent being in 2011. Last year, the group also held a reception for Curiel.
The description of the event says, "This year we are proud to be honoring Judge Gonzalo Curiel at our reception and recognizing him for his leadership and support to the community and to our Association!"
In addition, Curiel served on the selection committee in 2014 for the La Raza Lawyers of San Diego Scholarship Fund. Six of seven of the recipients of these scholarships ranging from $1500 to $1600 were born in Central America. One of them, Ricardo Elorza, described himself as "undocumented."
Donald Trump has been critical of Curiel, calling him a "hater" over the weekend. After years serving as a Judge in the superior courts from 2007 to 2011 in San Diego, Curiel was appointed by Obama as United States District Court for the Southern District of California, replacing Judge Thomas J. Whelan.
The National Council of La Raza is the largest Hispanic advocacy group in the nation and has taken a strong stance against Trump. They previously called Saturday Night Live a platform for "hate" for inviting on the New York businessman. La Raza translates to "the race" in English.
Author's Note: La Raza, translated into English as “The Race”, is an organization dedicated to promoting the interests of only Hispanic Americans and illegal immigrants. It has no other purpose.
Make no mistake, "The Race" is a pro-Hispanic, anti-white and Anti-American hate group. Recent events in San Jose, California underscore the connection between the Democrat party and "The Race". Its mission statement on its web site underscores the inherently racist purpose of "The Race".
If a group of Caucasians promoted the same agenda, it would be instantly labeled a racist hate group and marginalized to the edges of society. On another note, Mexicans are not a "race", nor are Hispanics.
How To Start Each Day With A Positive Outlook:
1. Open a new folder in your computer.
2. Name it "Barack Obama".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. The PC will ask: ‘Do you want to get rid of "Barack Obama?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better? Good! – Tomorrow we’ll do Hillary Clinton.
The News As I See It: A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance and defiance will insure her the Democratic presidential nomination.
The Taliban has named a new leader after their former leader was killed in a drone strike. It’s the only job interview where the correct answer to "Where do you see yourself in five years?" is "I don’t."
This Date In History: 1844;
The Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA) was founded in London.
1933;
The first drive-in movie theater opened in Camden, New Jersey.
1934;
The Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) was established to protect investors and maintain the integrity of the securities markets.
1944;
Thousands of Allied troops invaded the beaches of Normandy, France, on D-Day.
1982;
Israel invaded Lebanon to drive out the Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO).
2001;
Vermont Republican Senator James Jeffords left the party to become an independent, handing control of the Senate back to the Democrats.
2002;
President Bush proposed a new Cabinet department: The Department of Homeland Security.
Picture Of The Day: Float like a butterfly, champ. Rest in peace.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've removed swimming with dolphins from my bucket list, mainly because I don't swim well and drowning with dolphins doesn't have quite the same appeal.
2) My grandma keeps talking about her monthly checks, the price of drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she's a rapper. 3) The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hit man you can trust. 4) (Indian warrior): Well, son, we named all the children after the first thing we saw after they were conceived. But, why do you ask Two Dogs Screwing?" 5) When asked to help the kids as to my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance I said, "Maybe she went Black" and now I don't have to help the with homework any more.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 6th: All of your aims are achievable, although some of them would involve bionic implants and a bit of embezzlement. On another subject, If you are cornered by raccoons in the wild, place your thumb and index finger tips together and make a bandit mask. They will accept you.
Birthdays: Diego Velázquez, painter 1599, Pierre Corneille, dramatist (1606)
Nathan Hale, officer 1755, John Trumbull, painter 1756 Aleksandr Pushkin, poet, dramatist 1799, Alexandra Feodorovna, Czarina 1872, Sukarno, statesman 1901, Björn Borg, tennis player 1956.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: While acquainting himself with a new elderly female patient, the doctor asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years.....when my husband was alive."
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The mortician said:
First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress, hence the enormous smile.
Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.
Third body: This is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning. From what we can gather,
he thought he was having his picture taken.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled.
This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the U.S.F.S.
The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumb-found silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard.
Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"
The Head Gardner at the White House was fired. after 28 years of service. Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service.
In an interview outside the back gate of the White House, the elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.
He said, "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze. All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week.. I yelled out to my assistants, "Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?" and the next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!"
That's it for today, my little hush puppies. Remember, the best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.
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I never use my webcam. It was a gift for some work I did. Most days, if I don't have anything scheduled that requires me to leave home, I just work in my pajamas. I turned my webcam on today and was surprised to see what appeared to be a homeless man on my monitor.
It's relatively easy to see why Albert Einstein looked so bad in his older pictures. You get to a certain age and think, "Ah, screw it." So, here's this silver haired homeless dude, in what appears to be an old, ostensibly white t-shirt, a three day stubbly grey beard and badly fitting CVS reading glasses looking at me on my monitor.
Although I'm aware I don't have much to work with, I assure that i clean up better than that homeless looking dude I saw on the monitor. Incidentally, the webcam was gifted to me to facilitate a video interview with NASCAR. Fortunately, that particular day, I had some things to do so I was properly dressed.
The News As I See It: Beyoncé released a surprise album this weekend. Of course, when you're over 40 and white, every Beyoncé album is a surprise album.
The new album, called “Lemonade” she directs some of her anger at her husband, Jay Z. Yeah, an entire album where she yells at her husband. In other words, it looks like Hillary has found her running mate!
Hillary said Pennsylvania is where she learned to shoot a gun. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders said Pennsylvania is where he learned to load a musket.
A restaurant in Pennsylvania has unveiled a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the pizza is not that fresh or tasty, but it sticks around your stomach until all the other food has given up.
This Date In History: 1521;
Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan was killed in a fight with natives of the Philippines.
1805;
The U.S. Marines captured Derna, on the shores of Tripoli.
1865;
The worst steamship disaster in the history of the United States occurred when there was an explosion aboard the Sultana; more than 1,400 people were killed.
1956;
Rocky Marciano retired as undefeated world heavyweight boxing champion.
1961;
Sierra Leone gained independence from Great Britain.
1983;
Pitcher Nolan Ryan surpassed Walter Johnson’s strikeout record—one that had held since 1927.
1987;
Austrian president Kurt Waldheim was barred from entering the United States. He was accused of aiding in the execution of thousands of Jews in World War II.
1993;
Eritrea declared itself independent.
Picture Of The Day: Apple's newest loser.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend said, "Look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can't you do that?" I told her I'd love to but I don't know her well enough. 2) I've discovered that women don't consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
3) I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck while I was at the bank, so I had to pretend I was break dancing.
4) Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur. 5) The hardest part of potty training my puppy is taking a dump outside with him so he can learn. The neighbors taking pictures doesn't help either.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 26th.: The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically desire. However, it is unlikely that you will achieve it. I would estimate that at least half of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed. Don't be concerned, the same thing happens to me, too.
Birthdays: Mary Wollstonecraft, author and feminist 1759, Samuel F. B. Morse, inventor of Morse Code 1791, Ulysses S. Grant, 18th President of the United States 1822, C. Day Lewis, author 1904, Coretta Scott King, civil-rights leader 1927, August Wilson, playwright 1945.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door.
Upon opening it she said "Hi, I am your birthday present." He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" She answered, "I am yours for super sex." the old gent replied, "Well I'm 90 years old, so I'll take the soup."
An old couple is on a walk when a pigeon flies by and takes a dump on the woman’s head.
The old woman says, "Yech! Get some toilet paper."
The old man replies, "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Early one morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife, "Honey, come see what I created. It's an abstract panorama depicting the five-years of the Obama presidency!"
She yelled back, "Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast."
A man visits his aging father in his new old folks home. His room seems awfully small and his bed is the narrowest he’s ever seen. Despite this, his father is delighted with his new home.
Later, the man meets the director of the home, He says, "Father is delighted to be here, what is your secret?" The director replies, "Well, each night we give him a sleeping tablet and a Viagra tablet."
The man asks, "What on earth is the Viagra tablet for? Surely he’s not up to any hanky panky at his age? The director answered, "Oh no, but it does stop him rolling out of bed at night."
That's it for today, my little piccolo players. Remember, the real 5 second rule is that if you can get to it before the dog does, it's yours. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Women go above the call of duty to be attractive. My naivete waned when I was first exposed to their required maintenance. My first inkling was the evening I came home and walked into a bevy of blue haired, blue mustachioed ladies painting their nails and toes.
Three attractive women in house robes with no makeup, a dye or rinse in their hair and a bleaching concoction on their mustaches and forearms. I chose to act as natural as I could but the smiles and giggles gave away my total astonishment. Perhaps it was when I stared at the girl with the tinfoil in her hair.
Moreover, with their delicate plumbing and their monthly visitor, women have their hands full. It's loke maintaining a swimming pool. They have to maintain a proper ph balance and avoid yeast infectons.
On top of that, they shave every possible hair off their bodies, put all sorts of creams and ointments for softer skin. I will not delve in diet and maintenance programs
Oh yeah, and they also have to carry a baby for nine months, then give birth, which seems to be the equivalent of passing a watermelon through a relatively small orifice. Nope, I don't want any part of that.
In the majority of all species, the male is usually the more handsome. This aids the male in courtship and allows the more drab female to blend in with her surroundings when raising their young.
Somewhere along the evolutionary trail, human males must have seen their reflection in a river and thought, "close enough." This becomes more evident today as I see many beautiful women, clad in great outfits and heels.
Inevitably, they are usually accompanied by a knuckle dragging, tattooed neanderthal, sporting baggy shorts, t-shirt, baseball cap and wearing flip flops. Interestingly, many women are satisfied and/or accept this.
It's relatively easy to see that women are by far the more hardy of the species. As for men, we are mostly content with what we were born with.....
The News As I See It: If you're not concerned about what is going to happen in the GOP presidential race, just consider Reince Priebus, RNC chairman, is a man whose name is an anagram for "crisp bee urine."
This Date In History: 1901;
New York became the first state to require license plates on cars.
1915;
British, Australian, and New Zealand forces landed at Gallipoli.
1928;
The first seeing eye dog was presented to Morris S. Frank. 1945;
Delegates met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.
1953;
The Francis Crick and James Watson article describing the double helix of DNA is published in the magazine Nature.
1959;
The St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping. 1990;
Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua.
1992;
Islamic forces took over most of Kabul, Afghanistan after the Soviet-controlled government collapsed.
2003;
The Georgia legislature voted to scrap the "Confederate flag" design from its state flag.
Picture Of The Day: Too much work. I get tired just trying to clip my toenails.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog's invisible fence.
2) I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster. 3) I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking or drinking. 4) A woman saying "I'm not angry" is like a dentist saying "You won’t feel a thing." 5) Adulthood is about being able to eat chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the chocolate chip cookies.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 25th: Your vision will never fail as long as you avoid sticking forks into your eyes. Everything you read online today will turn out to be a complete scam, but I'm being redundant. Chance of romance is 63.27 percent depending on how you look at it.
Birthdays: Oliver Cromwell, statesman 1599, Guglielmo Marconi, physicist 1874, Wolfgang Pauli, physicist 1900, Edward R. Murrow, journalist 1908, Ella Fitzgerald, American jazz singer 1917, Al Pacino, actor 1940, Renee Zellweger, actress 1969, Jason Lee, actor 1970.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else was looking. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.
Then, an old cowboy tentatively raised his hand and, while keeping his head down, said, "I think my wife got a pretty good look at you."
One night, after watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", a man and his wife went to bed. The man started getting very frisky, so he asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes." The man said, "Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" The janitor said, "Sure." He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."
The smallest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" The oldest one said, "Yeah!" The littlest one asked, "What do you think that means?" The oldest boy replied, "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."
Mendel Rosenblatt was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. Mendel asked the doctor, "How can I get human milk?" The doctor said, "Well, Ethel Goldstein just had a baby, maybe she'll help."
So every day Mendel went to Ethel's house for his daily feed. Ethel was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.
One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, "Tell me Mr. Rosenblatt, do you like it?" Mendel sighed, "Mmmm, wonderful." Ethel, her lips parted and eyes aglow, said hesitantly, "Is there anything else you'd like?"
Mendel replied, "As a matter of fact there is," Ruby asked breathlessly, "What?" Mendel licked his lips and said, "Maybe a biscuit?"
That's it for today, my little pea pickers. Remember, offering a floral arrangement as a meal to the gluten free, lactose intolerant, allergy ridden vegetarian is apparently frowned upon.
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The resurgence of "wheelhouse" in today's vernacular is so overly parroted that I would bet half of the users haven't the slightest idea of what it even means. Loosely, the term is used to explain something that falls into a person's area of expertise.
A wheelhouse, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is "a structure enclosing a large wheel, e.g. a water-wheel; specifically a house or superstructure containing the steering-wheel, a pilot-house; also, the paddle-box of a steam-boat."
In baseball this is the part of a player's swinging range in which as a hitter they can make the best contact with the ball. If a pitch is right in your wheelhouse it is right where you want it, in the spot where you have the best chance of hitting it well.
Wheelhouse is now being used quite a bit by the media in politics and other areas whether it makes sense or not. It is, if you will, the term of the day. In an era where "kick the can down the road" and words like "vetted" are overly employed ad nauseum, it is just another tool for the uninformed and misinformed.
The News As I See It: Ben and Jerry, the ice cream guys, were arrested for being part of a political protest on the steps of the Capitol building. However, some good did come out of it. They got a lot of new attention for their cause. Also, they got a new flavor of ice cream, which is Toilet Wine Toffee Crunch.
I hope that everyone a happy Tax Day although I guess it's only happy if you get money back. You have to put stamps on the envelope to send your tax returns in. Can't they just throw that in? They charge us $1.41 to have the honor of sending them half the money we earn this year.
This Date In History: 1769;
Ottawa Indian chief Pontiac was murdered.
1841;
The first detective story, Edgar Allen Poe's Murders in the Rue Morgue was published.
1902;
Marie and Pierre Curie isolated radium.
1912;
The Boston Red Sox played their first game at Fenway Park. They beat the N.Y. Highlanders (who in 1913 would become known as the Yankees) 7-6.
1971;
The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the practice of busing for racial desegregation.
1999;
Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold went on a shooting spree at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colo. 14 students (including the shooters) and 1 teacher were killed; 23 others were wounded.
2008;
Danica Patrick won the Indy Japan 300, becoming the first woman to win an IndyCar race.
2010;
An explosion on a BP oil drilling rig off the coast of Louisiana kills 11
Picture Of The Day: Not very exciting but an accurate depiction of a wheelhouse.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza but both are fine when you're drunk.
2) It was all fun and games until she noticed that the "rocket" in her five-year-old son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in her nightstand. 3) Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook. 4) 9 out of 10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip. 5) Wanna hear me read a receipt from my trip to the grocery store? That's how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 20th: Admitting to shooting the sheriff is not a good alibi when being accused of shooting the deputy. Any time you feel restless this week, try to imagine what it would be like to take Viagra and Ritalin at the same time.
Birthdays: Daniel Chester, French
sculptor 1850, Adolf Hitler, founder and leader of National Socialism (Nazis) and German dictator 1889,
Joan Miró, artist 1893, Lionel Hampton, vibraphonist and bandleader, 1908, Tito Puente, musician, jazz percussionist 1923 Jessica Lange, actress 1949.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Obama was riding in his limousine, coming from a democratic fund-raiser in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, the Navajo man got in the car.
After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo man noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Obama. He asked, "What's in the bag?" Obama looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for Michelle"
The Navajo man was silent for a moment and then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, "Good trade."
During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD. He said, "GOD, how long is a million years?" GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?" GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime." The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?" GOD said, "In a minute."
A farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what’s that under your arm?" The old farmer said, "That’s my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes." The ticket agent said, "We don’t allow animals in the theater."
The irritated old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
Mildred whispered, "Marge, I think this guy next to me is a pervert." Marge replied, "What makes you think that?" Mildred whispered, "He unzipped his pants and is exposing himself." Marge said, "Well, don’t worry about it, At our age we’ve seen them all." Mildred said, "Yeah, but this one is eating my popcorn."
That's it for today, my little cherry blossoms. Remember, sometimes auto-correct can be your worst enema. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
