Remember The Troops !

Remember the wounded and fallen soldiers, both past and present, of the Armed Forces this Memorial Day weekend. Moreover, remember the wounded warriors that continue to wait medical attention by the corrupt VA hospitals.

The News As I See It: Trump released his new budget proposal and Bernie Sanders said his cuts to Medicaid are "just cruel." But Bernie will get his medicine the same way as always: finding an old pill in his suit pocket.

A new study from Harvard says you can reduce the risk of a potentially fatal heart condition by eating six bars of chocolate a week. Yeah. It reduces the chance of a heart attack because once you give up being in shape, you have way less stress.

This Date In History: 1521; Martin Luther's writings were banned by the Edict of Worms. 1868;  President Andrew Johnson avoided conviction for impeachment charges of "high crimes and misdemeanors" by one vote. 1940; Allied troops began the massive naval evacuation of troops from Dunkirk, France, during World War II.

1858; Pittsburgh Pirates’ Harvey Haddix pitched 12 perfect innings against the Milwaukee Braves before losing, 1–0, in the 13th.1940 Allied troops began the massive naval evacuation of troops from Dunkirk, France, during World War II. 1958; Pittsburgh Pirates’ Harvey Haddix pitched 12 perfect innings against the Milwaukee Braves before losing, 1–0, in the 13th.

1977; George Willig, "the human fly," scaled the World Trade Center in New York City by attaching himself to the window washer mechanism and walking straight up until falling into police custody when he reached the top. It took Willig three and a half hours to make the climb, and $1.10 in fines—a penny per floor. 1978; The first legal casino to be operated in the United States outside of Nevada was opened in Atlantic City.

Picture Of The Day: This weekend is not just for barbecues.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl. 2) 12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower. 3) When something at the hardware store says it's universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have. 4) Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes and it's barely toasted. Ten seconds more and it's burned beyond recognition. 5) Veni, vidi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 26th: Everything will suddenly sound good to you today. This may be due to an Ophthalmology  appointment you had earlier in the week. Then, again, it may just be because you've won a large amount of money and people want to shower you with platitudes. Speaking of which, you do look amazing today! All of that which you experience today will be catalogued under "things not to do in public again".

Birthdays: Washington Augustus Roebling. engineer 1836, Isadora Duncan, dancer 1878, Al Jolson, actor, singer  1886, Dorothea Lange, photographer 1895, John Wayne, actor 1907, Miles Davis, musician 1926, Stevie Nicks,singer 1948, Sally K. Ride, American astronaut 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat", agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage. She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next.

Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. She explained the problem to the vet.

The vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." She asked, "Do you think that will work?" The vet replied, "It just worked for me!"

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy....." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat and then Daddy....."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing and laying down on the seat. Then Little Johnny says, ".....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

A blond wanted to go ice fishing. After getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"

Startled the blond moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again from the above, the voice bellowed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"

The blond, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!!."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice Skating Rink Manager...."

That's it for today, my little glow worms. Remember, one of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Back In The Day - Portable Record Players

Today's rambling isn't a "When I was young, I had to walk in the snow for ten miles uphill, both ways, to get to school" story, but it recently dawned on me that, thanks to the Internet, most young people get a lot of their music free.

While I'm happy to get some of my music the same way, back in the day, I actually had to buy (really) my records. Making matters worse, prior to vinyl, most of the records were easily scratched or even worse, chipped or broken when dropped.

My first record player, not including the RCA Victor radio which belonged to my parents, looked like a boxy little suitcase. When you opened it, there was a turn table with one metal shaft. You put the 78rpm record on it and played one record at a time. The advent of the 45rpm record, popular in the 50s, required an apparatus which slid over the metal shaft. This, of course, was purchased separately.

The word "allowance" was not part of my parent's vocabulary back in the day. We were occasionally given "spending money" to do with as we pleased. The desire for new records and the lack of money to purchase them, inspired the creative part of my mind. Most of the kids in my neighborhood continually did odd jobs, especially mowing lawns, to earn money for the growing record fad.

I always had an aversion to hot sun and the cursed smell of grass that I had just mown. This caused me to employ another money-making enterprise. After school, I would go the nearest construction site and collect empty soda bottles which could be redeemed for two cents per bottle.

Yep, this was the way we got our music. The radio was always available but useless when trying to have music for a party. Kids just wanted to dance, not listen to intermittent radio ads. Things change.....

The News As I See It: Time magazine found a picture of Obama at his high school prom back in 1979. He and his friend are with their dates. Those Kenyan girls are very good looking. Michelle must be pleased to see Barry with a white chick.

In those days, Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn't just illegally obtain it through the Justice Department.

White House officials continue to insist that Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. Besides that, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi.

It's not looking good for Obama. Today, his teleprompter took the fifth. In fact, the White House has changed their slogan from, "Yes, we can" to "No, I can't remember." Obama's got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal and the FBI wiretapping phones. He's in so much trouble politically, he's thinking about killing Usama bin Laden again.

During a recent Senate hearing, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener.

Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight, Right! Being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner.

Vice President Joe Biden met with two undocumented immigrants this week to promote the new immigration bill. When they learned they had to sit down with Biden, they went ahead and deported themselves.

The latest Washington scandal is raising questions about the IRS. I have a question. Why is it called the Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a service?

A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRS and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.

Amtrak trains may soon have special cars where passengers can sit with their pets. That will be awkward when you try to talk to your cat and he just slips on his headphones.

And finally, a man gave an Olive Garden waitress a $1,000 tip so she could take a trip to Italy. Isn't that nice? An Olive Garden waitress who dreamed of one day getting to try real Italian food.

This Date In History: 1844; Samuel Morse transmitted the first telegraph message, in which he asked, "What hath God wrought?" 1883; The Brooklyn Bridge, linking Manhattan and Brooklyn in New York City, opened to traffic. 1899; W.T. McCullough of Boston, Massachusetts, opened the first public garage. One could rent space for selling, storing and repairing vehicles.

1935; Major League Baseball’s first night game was played under the lights at Cincinnati’s Crosley Field as the hometown Reds defeated Philadelphia, 2–1. 1958; The United Press and the International News Service merged to form United Press International (UPI).

1976; The British and French Concordes made their first commercial flights. 2000 Israeli troops pulled out of Lebanon after 18 consecutive years of occupation. 2001; Vermont senator James Jeffords quit the Republican Party and became an Independent, giving Democrats control of the Senate.

Picture Of The Day: This picture is indicative of the reason why all of us will be able to celebrate and enjoy Memorial Day weekend. Remember the men and women of all the military services, both past and present, who have made the ultimate sacrifice for America.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The next time someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, "Keep going." 2) An obnoxious little boy was screaming in the Publix store today because his mom wouldn't buy him a Snickers bar. He pissed me off so much that I bought one and ate it in front of him. 3) If your smart phone gets wet, put it in a bag of dry rice. Then at night, the rice will attract Asians and they will fix all your electronics for you. 4) Sometimes I like to pretend an "!" is just a "?" squeezing through a tight space. 5) Contrary to the Country-Western song lyrics "Jesus Take The Wheel", it is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, he doesn't just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 24th: Feeding stray cats may seem important to you today in order to get a feeling of self worth and satisfaction. Do be careful of squirrels as they have been known to want to nest in your hair. Disregard this warning if you are bald.

Birthdays: Jean Paul Marat, revolutionary 1743, Queen Victoria (Alexandrina Victoria), queen of Great Britain and Ireland (1837–1901) and empress of India (1876–1901) 1819, Lillian Gilbreth, engineer 1878, Mikhail Aleksandrovich Sholokhov, novelist 1905, Bob Dylan, singer 1941.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older American woman of 40 wanted to get married, but she was only willing to marry a man that had never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

She asks, "What happened?" Her new husband said, "I've never been with a woman, but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

The Catholic Church requires women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informed her that she could not enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.

The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a blouse." The woman replied, "But Father, I have a divine right !" The priest says, "I can see that and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."

I've come to the conclusion that Eric Holder is to Obama as Stedman Graham is to Oprah

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. All of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell.

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!" The hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50. She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap. The shopkeeper said, "Well, to be honest, the bird's last owner was a madam at a whorehouse. He occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people."

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam." The woman thought,  "That's not so bad."

A little while later, her daughters got home from school and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores." Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.

Later that evening, her husband Robert came home. The parrot said, "Hi Bobby!"

Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." An elderly nun at the back of the room says, "Thank God, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

That's it for today, my little muskrats. Remember, public transportation helps the environment. It also makes you hate the human race. It's happy hour time in AREA 51 and that's where I'm heading.

Have a great and safe Memorial Day weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

A Time To Remember

I take this time for a moment of reflection in memory of the many men and women of the armed forces who have faithfully served their country. May God bless each and every one of them.

Acronyms can be confusing at times. I'm a bit dyslexci and it's important to know the full definition of every acronym you may encounter or hear about.

For example, the acronym STD stands for Sexually Transmitted Disease and should not be confused with FTD, which stands for Florists' Transworld Delivery. In this particular case you may want to make sure that you're giving flowers and not a gift that keeps on returning.

It would also be a major mistake to install ADT (American District Telegraph), a home security company, in a home where someone has ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).

Transportation Security Administration (TSA) supposedly protects the nation's transportation systems to ensure freedom of movement for people and commerce. The reality of it all is that after the over abundance of intrusive body checks, scans and pat-downs, it's probably just a sick extension of T and A movie makers (you figure that one out).

There are a few acronyms, however, that you may not be aware of. For example, DELTA stands for Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive and PMS is short for Potential Murder Suspect.

The News As I See It: ABC premiered a new singing competition show last week. What a novel idea. It's about time somebody did one of those. I think a good name might be "American Idol."

The Center for Responsive Politics reports that Obama has become the first politician in history to raise $1 billion in his political career. Imagine how much more he could have raised if people hadn't lost their asses in his economic plan?

Next month, a new biography is going to come out about the life of 300-pound New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The biography is called "Are you going to finish that?"

Mitt Romney recently met with a group of wealthy Latino business owners....or as Romney calls them, "the Juan percent." There's been an increasing buzz that Romney will pick a vice president who's safe, white and duller than him, which pretty much narrows it down to a piece of chalk."

Last week was rough for Facebook stock. Mark Zuckerberg lost so much money in the market that Obama is going to name him to replace Ben Bernanke.

Police in South Dakota arrested a 53-year-old man formerly from Chicago who was trying to climb Mount Rushmore. When the police radio first reported that the guy was in his 50s, from Chicago and desperate to get on Mount Rushmore, the police chief said, "Oh my God, it's Obama."

Four Secret Service agents who were fired for that sex scandal decided to fight their dismissal. The lawyer said they didn't realize the women were prostitutes. These guys are supposed to be experts at picking people out of a crowd. Can't spot a hooker? Really?

Just two weeks after a felon in jail got 41 percent of the democratic vote in West Virginia, Obama got embarrassed again in Arkansas when an unknown lawyer got 42 percent. See? That proves once and for all that there's only a 1 percent difference between a lawyer and a convicted felon.

This Date In History: 1863; Robert Gould Shaw, leading the first northern all-black regiment, leaves Boston for the Civil War. 1929; The first all-color, full-length talking picture, On With the Show!, debuted. 1934; The Dionne quintuplets were born in Ontario, Canada.

1957; Baseball owners voted to allow the Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Giants to move to Los Angeles and San Francisco, respectively. Many New Yorkers still haven’t recovered. 1987; Mathias Rust, a 19-year-old pilot from West Germany, landed his private plane in Moscow’s Red Square. He was arrested and sentenced to four years in a labor camp, but was released after just one.

1997; Linda Finch completed Amelia Earhart's attempted around-the-world flight. 1998; Pakistan staged nuclear tests in response to India's nuclear tests two weeks earlier. 2003 President Bush signed a $350 billion tax cut into law, the third largest tax cut in U.S. history.

Picture Of The Day: Some things are self explanatory.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I am having an out of money experience. 2) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger near the escape key. 3) When my friend had a kid, he bought one of those strollers for twins because it was on sale. It worked well for him. When his kid got older, he told him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. 4) My next door neighbor once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. He changed my mind at the last minute, so he just flipped over and landed on his feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done." 5) How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 28th: This week will be good for you but the fact that you take out the garbage does not mean you have cleaned the house. If you don't believe me, ask your spouse. Chance of romance is 42.68 percent. Also, did you know that 42.68 percent of statistics are made up on the spot?

Birthdays: My pals Maylen and Paul - Happy Birthday my friends! 19XX, William Pitt, statesman 1759, Thomas Moore, poet 1779, P. G. T. Beauregard, Confederate general 1818, Carl Larsson, painter and illustrator 1853, Jim Thorpe, American Indian, Olympian, football player and all-around athlete 1888, Ian Fleming, author 1908.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us."

The old explorer continued, " I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROAR!.......I just shit my pants."

The reporter said, "Wow! Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went 'ROAR!'"

A little old lady was standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.

A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."

She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old. This hat is brand new!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Although the insurance company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.

When he was wheeled into the insurance company office to collect his check, Miller was confronted by several executives. One said, "You're not getting away with this, Miller. We're going to watch you day and night. If you take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"

Mr. Miller replied, "My wife and I are going to travel. We'll go to Stockholm, Berlin, Athens, Rome and, finally, to the Vatican, where gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle!"

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

His father asked, "So, did you jump today?" His son answeed, "Well, we got up in the plane, the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" His father asked, "Is that when you jumped?"

His son said, "Not yet. Then, the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." The father asked, "So, that's when you jumped?" The son said, "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Not then."

The son continued, " He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'"

The son went on, "So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'" The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son replied, "Well, a little.....at first."

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep until noon. Happy Memorial Day and remember our Vets! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Remember The Men And Women Of America's Armed Forces

As you enjoy this Memorial Day holiday with your family and friends, please take the time to remember and pay tribute to the men and women of the Armed Forces, both past and present, whose dedication and service make America the land of the free. God Bless America.

Miami Beach is once again hosting "Urban Weekend", a tradition where hordes of Urbans come to Miami Beach and engage in Urban tomfoolery such as gang fights, robberies and shootings. Unfortunately, I am unable to attend as I am Suburban and do not not qualify for the festivities. Drat!

Auto Racing is on tap this weekend with a full compliment of events. Headlining the Memorial Day weekend is the Indianapolis 500 on Sunday and the Nascar Charlotte 600 on Sunday night.

Public Service Announcement: I hate it when people send bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally but this one is real, and it's important. Please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

If a young woman comes to your front door saying she is checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do not do it! It is a scam! She only wants to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and used.....

The News As I See It: A new report suggests that Christopher Columbus may have secretly been Jewish. What tipped historians off was Columbus' diary entry where he described his journey to America as "a real schlep."

Obama stayed at a hotel while attending meetings in Chicago. It was annoying for him to stay in the hotel instead of his own house, but his advisers encouraged him to stay at the hotel for security reasons. So, he called room service and asked for a wake-up call and they showed him the latest poll numbers.

A new study shows current members of Congress speak at a 10th grade level. When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said, "Nuh-uh!"

Bagged salads across the country have been recalled due to contamination fears. Luckily this is America, so none of the salads were touched. God help us if something happens to our Doritos supply.

Republicans are trying to raise money, so Mitt Romney's checking under his couch cushions.

Britney Spears is planning to launch a new fragrance called Fantasy Twist. That sounds like something John Travolta gets at the end of a massage.

The Los Angeles Lakers were eliminated from the playoffs last night after just five games. Yep, the Lakers fell fast — which explains their new name: the Los Angeles Facebook Stock.

Happy birthday to Bob Dylan, who turned 71 years old this week. When he made his wish, God said to St. Peter, "I have no clue as to what he just said."

This Date In History: 1787; The Constitutional Convention convened in Philadelphia under the leadership of George Washington, in order to establish a new U.S. government. 1925; John Scopes was indicted for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution.

1935; American track star Jesse Owens broke three world records and tied another in a little over an hour. 1935; The legendary Babe Ruth hit his 714th and final home run against the Pittsburgh Pirates. His record stood until Hank Aaron broke it in 1974.

1965; Muhammad Ali knocked Sonny Liston out cold in the first round, after 1 minute and 56 seconds, for the world heavyweight title. 1968; The Gateway Arch was dedicated in St. Louis. 1969; Midnight Cowboy, the only x-rated film to win a best picture Oscar, was released.

1979; The worst air disaster in U.S. history (excluding the September 11 attacks) occurred when a DC-10 crashed at Chicago's O'Hare airport, killing over 270 people.

Picture Of The Day: The man who invented the television remote control recently passed away but not before he made one last change.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some people have things called wrinkles which are similar to my character lines. 2) When a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love. After marriage, it is self-defense 3) I hope I'm the last guy on earth. I want to see if all those women were lying to me. 4) Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. 5) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will buy a silly hat, sit in a boat and drink beer all day.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 25th: Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the true nature of the soul. Life will throw many things at you over the coming months, including a book-shelf which you will have to assemble yourself because you bought it from Ikea.

You will overhear gossip today about your love life while you are on the toilet. This may cause you to dam your flatulence so you can hear the really juicy part. Chances of romance are 62.05 percent unless your attempt at damming your flatulence fails.

Birthdays: Ralph Waldo Emerson, American poet and essayist 1803, Igor Ivanovich Sikorsky, Inventor 1889, Gene Tunney, boxer 1897, Robert Ludlum, novelist 1927, Beverly Sills, opera singer 1929, Frank Oz, puppeteer 1944, Jamaica Kincaid, writer 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." An elderly nun at the back of the room says, "Thank God, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

Joe Bob, Jim Bob and Billy Bob are greeted in heaven by St. Peter who says, "We have only one rule, never step on a duck." But upon passing through the Pearly Gates, they're surrounded by thousands of ducks and Joe Bob steps on one. The duck quacks and soon, all the ducks are quacking.

St. Peter admonishes, "I warned you not to step on a duck." He shackles Joe Bob to a ferocious looking 260 lb Amazon woman for all eternity. Jim Bob steps on a duck and gets tethered forever to a Brutish 6 foot 6 redheaded Viking woman.

Billy Bob thinks, "Poor ole Joe Bob and Jim Bob", and learns to watch his step. All of a sudden, St. Peter chains him to an absolutely gorgeous girl. Billy Bob exclaims, "Wow, what did I do to deserve this?" The buxom beauty replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Skip for his contribution to today's stories.

A man was at a bank and in front of him there was an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She said to the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his ass. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. The owner said, "This is the dog I had in mind for you"

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!" The owner says "I know, he just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, to be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a safe and great Memorial Day weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Remember.....

As you enjoy this Memorial Day holiday with your family and friends, please take the time to remember and pay tribute to the men and women of the Armed Forces, both past and present, whose dedication and service make America the land of the free. God Bless America.

Maybe it's just me, but have you seen Walmart's newest commercial which uses the phrase "Match it"? The commercial begins with a young woman showing a Walmart cashier a competing ad in which the product sells for twenty cents less..... (Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.)



Now I don't know about the employees at your particular Walmart, but in Miami, most of the Walmart employees barely speak English. Moreover, none of the Walmart employees that I've met don't even come close to resembling the all American actors in the commercial. In fact, the "employees of Walmart" strikingly resemble the "People of Walmart." Take a look.....



The News As I See It: Lindsay Lohan has begun her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, "Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house."

One of Sarah Palin's supporters is about to release a documentary about her called "The Undefeated." That's like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger being called "The Faithful."

When President Obama arrived in France for the G8 summit, a meeting of the world’s top economic powers. To give you an idea of how bad our economy is doing, when the president arrived, the other countries were like, "What are you doing here?"

CBS has announced some new shows coming up, including "Celebrity Housekeeper." A group of women compete to become Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid.

This Date In History: 1431; Joan of Arc was burned at the stake as a heretic. 1536; King Henry VIII of England married his 3rd wife, Jane Seymour, 11 days after he had his 2nd wife, Anne Boleyn executed. 1911; The first Indianapolis 500 was won by Ray Harroun.

1922; The Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC, was dedicated by Chief Justice William Howard Taft. 1998; An earthquake in Northern Afghanistan (and subsequent aftershocks) killed an estimated 5,000 and injured at least 1,500. A quake on February 4th in the same area had killed about 2,300.

Picture Of The Day: There's little doubt about today's theme. Take the time today to reflect and say a prayer for the men and women, both past and present, who have served and protected this great nation.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. 2) Puberty is when you separate the boys from the girls, sometimes with a crowbar. 3) I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. 4) The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?" 5) Don't count your chickens and don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemimi May 30th: Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver, but actually are making your behavior quite erratic. Screaming "Death to the Infidel" as you're walking through busy airports or shopping centers will leave you with bruises in special places.

Waiting for your loved one to come to you could be a big mistake. This is especially true for at least one person today, whose loved one happens to drive a very large bus and will suddenly lose the ability to brake while driving straight towards your house. Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garner their trust and you can take advantage of them. Be gentle.

Birthdays: Alexander Archipenko, sculptor 1887, Irving G. Thalberg, movie executive 1899, Seton Howard Frederick Lloyd, archaeologist 1902, Mel Blanc, actor 1908, Benny Goodman, musician 1909, Gale Sayers, football player 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." Her husband replies, "Yep, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together, naked as jaybirds." The old woman snickers, "Maybe, we should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. The old woman says breathlessly, "You know, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." The old man says, "I'm not surprised. One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal..."

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer in the leg without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else was looking.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, an old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A man was eating lunch with his 10-year-old Granddaughter and he asked her, "How are you doing in school?" The little girl said, "I'm doing great. We're learning about the new holiday, "President Obama Day" that occurs on June 1st.

Her grandfather said, "President's Day is in February. What does President Obama Day mean?" She replied, "I know. We've studied the February date, but this is a new holiday. President Obama Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have one more year of unemployment."

A man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab of $7.75, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip....three quarters. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him and says, "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

The waitress says, "Well, this quarter tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough." The waitress continues, "And this quarter tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." The waitress says, "And the third quarter tells me that your father was one, too."

Before she became engaged, a woman was quite the beauty and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. She said, "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." The boyfriend retorted, "Really? And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

That's it for today my sugar pops. Remember, the two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !