Monday is Labor Day and unless you're giving birth, we're in for a relaxing three day weekend. We're one of the few countries that celebrate Labor Day, unless you count Russia and China who celebrate Forced Labor Day.
Essentially, Labor Day is a day off that we take to celebrate the fact that we get a day off.
A lot of people will be barbecuing this weekend which always fascinates me. When I barbecue, I usually cook boneless rib eye steaks with grilled whole corn and baked potato while Brother Kirt leans more toward baby back ribs or barbecue chicken.
Cost sometimes forces families to buy cheaper cuts of meat, hamburgers and hot dogs. While the reasoning is understandable, it doesn't fit my description of a barbecue and I ofttimes eat before going.
The main purpose of a barbecue is to get together with friends and family and have a nice time. What you cook is unimportant for the most part. So, if you're barbecuing this weekend or whatever your choice of relaxation is, I wish all my friends and readers a Happy Labor Day.
The News As I See It: Anthony Weiner denied Donald Trump's suggestion that his wife, Huma, shared classified information with him while she worked for Hillary Clinton. As we all know, nothing puts a rumor to rest like a denial from Anthony Weiner.... "I didn’t send those pics! Oh, those pics? Yeah, I sent them."
Obama was in Alaska where he did one of those important things presidents have to do – He joined in for some traditional Eskimo dancing at a local middle school. Meanwhile, 14 cops were shot and killed and Obie hasn't addressed that. Maybe some of the thugs' mothers whose funerals had White House attendance will call and ask him to say a word or two.
A judge overturned Tom Brady's four-game suspension and will let him play in next week's opening game. The judge said, “After careful consideration of the evidence from both parties, I rule in favor of my fantasy football team.”
This Date In History: 1781;
The city of Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers.
1888;
George Eastman patented his roll-film camera and registered the Kodak trademark.
1951;
President Harry S. Truman inaugurated transcontinental television service in the U.S. when ATT carried his address to the opening session of the Japanese Peace Convention in San Francisco.
1957;
Nine black students attempted to enter Little Rock's Central High School but were blocked by the National Guard. Arkansas governor Orval Faubus had summoned the federal troops.
1972;
U. S. swimmer Mark Spitz won a record seventh gold medal at the Munich Summer Olympics.
Picture Of The Day: I'm hungry already.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was eight, I saw a picture of myself in one of those strollers for twins. I asked Dad why there were two seats in the stroller. He said I used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. 2) The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 3) The consumption of alcohol is a contributing factor in dancing like a retard. 4) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of measles. 5) Three out of four voices in my head want to sleep. The other voice wants to know if penguins have knees.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 4th: Dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend or a cat's best friend. Actually, dogs are totally flexible.
The post office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that, for once, is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder.
Love will no longer be just another four-letter-word to you today as you will start to understand why birds suddenly appear every time someone nears.
Birthdays: Francois Rene Chateaubriand (who changed his last name from Filet-Mignon to Chateaubriand after getting married), writer 1768, Donald McKay, shipbuilder 1810, Anton Bruckner, composer 1824, Mary Renault, novelist 1905, Mitzi Gaynor, actress, dancer 1931, Ray Floyd, golfer 1942, Tom Watson
golfer 1949, Beyonce Knowles, singer, dancer, actor 1981.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.
The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me." The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "That's fine with me."
Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."
An old lawyer, laying on his deathbed, called to his wife and asked her to bring the Bible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea and brought the Bible to her husband.
The lawyer took the Bible from her and began scanning the pages. Curious, knowing her husband wasn't a religious person, she asked, "What are you searching for, dear?" The lawyer replied, "Loopholes."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
With a seductive smile the woman purred, "Yes."
Her husband replied. "Thank God! For a moment there, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."
A man and woman were in divorce court awaiting the judge's ruling on the financial and property settlement. The judge said, "Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $750 a week."
Mr Clark said, "That's very fair, your honor, and every now and then, I'll try to give her a few bucks, myself."
That's it for today, my little gerbils. Remember, today's humor does not reflect the thoughts of myself or my cat; your mileage may vary; an equal opportunity joke writer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes: if a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, stop reading today's post and consult George Burns. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Summer is ending, the Labor Day weekend is here and kids will soon be off to college. Don't worry parents, once they get their liberal arts degree, they'll be living back at home quicker than they can say, "You want fries with that?"
I'm looking forward to the long weekend as are many Americans who will enjoy the three day weekend before returning back Tuesday to being unemployed.
I love to cook during the long weekend, but I've had to change the menu because Chinese authorities have seized 30,000 tons of chicken feet because they're "tainted". That's really going to really screw up my weekend barbecue.
I asked my Mexican neighbor if he wanted to come over for barbecue and he accepted. I asked him if they do barbecues in Mexico and he said, "No, the beans fall through the grill....."
The News As I See It: Burger King is moving to Canada. They bought the doughnut place, Tim Horton's. Financed by Warren Buffett, Burger King will be moving to Canada to avoid paying taxes. After hearing this, Obama immediately took away Buffett's medal of freedom.
A study, published in JAMA Internal Medicine, found sildenafil, commonly known as Viagra, may increase a man's risk for melanoma by as much as 84 percent. What? Modern medicine finally invents fix-a-flat, some poor old bastard uses it and five minutes later his tire falls off? Holy Crap!
You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?
This Date In History: 1533;
Atahualpa, the last ruler of the Incas, was murdered as Francisco Pizarro completed his conquest of Peru.
1786;
Shays's rebellion, an insurrection of Massachusetts farmers against the state government, began.
1842;
The Treaty of Nanking was signed, ending the Opium Wars and ceding the island of Hong Kong to Britain.
1877;
Brigham Young died in Salt Lake City, Utah.
1949;
The U.S.S.R. tested their first atomic bomb.
1957
Strom Thurmond ended the longest filibuster in U.S. Senate history. He spoke for more than 24 hours against a civil rights bill; the bill passed.
1966;
The Beatles played their last major live concert at Candlestick Park, California.
1991;
The Supreme Soviet, the parliament of the U.S.S.R., suspended all activities of the Communist Party, bringing an end to the institution.
2005;
Hurricane Katrina slammed into the U.S. Gulf Coast, destroying beachfront towns in Mississippi and Louisiana, displacing a million people, and killing more than 1,000.
Picture Of The Day: Back country, Gunnison Delta, Colorado.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman
was born just by feeling her boobs.
She said, "Really? Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and
said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
2) My friend got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at him so loud, he nearly fell in.
3) I joined a health club last year, spent 400 bucks and I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. 4) My girlfriend is at her classiest when, during a romantic interlude, I rip off her bra off and cookie crumbs fall out. 5) I was winning a Trivia competition last Saturday night until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the correct answer is Fiji.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 29th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. Go now, or forever hold your pee.
Birthdays: Jean Auguste Ingres,
painter 1780;
Ingrid Bergman,
actress 1915;
Charlie "Bird" Parker
saxophone artist and musician 1920;
Dinah Washington,
singer 1924;
Slobodan Milosevic,
political leader 1941;
Michael Jackson,
pop musician 1958.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "You have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."
The second guy said, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."
The third guy said, "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."
They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house.
So the first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
The fourth guy smiled and said "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater'."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Mike for his contribution to today's stories.
A long time ago, a Jewish man was walking down the New Jersey boardwalk when he saw a sign in front of an attraction that read "Herschel the Magnificent Jew." Being Jewish himself, his curiosity led him inside for the show.
When the curtains opened, there stood Herschel clad only in a bathrobe. He immediately open the robe and stood naked in front of the audience in all his glory. Herschel had the largest masculine equipment the old man had ever seen.
There was a wooden bench in front of Herschel and he put three large walnuts on it. He took his masculinity into his hands and he went "Whack! Whack! Whack!" and he smashed them into smithereens. The audience went wild with applause.
Twenty years later, the Jewish man was walking along the boardwalk and he saw the same sign, "Herschel the Magnificent Jew." Surprised, he went into the show and there stood Herschel in his bathrobe. He had not aged in all those years and he looked fantastic.
He put on the bench three coconuts, took off his bathrobe, took his masculinity into his hands and went "Whack! Whack! Whack and smashed the coconuts into smithereens.
After the show, the old man went backstage and asked, "Mr. Herschel, why did you switch from walnuts to coconuts?" Herschel replied, "Vell, my eyesight, it ain't vat it used to be....."
Scenario: A man is walking down the streets of Washington, D.C. with his wife and two small children. Suddenly, a thug with a huge knife comes around the corner and charges him. The man is carrying a Glock 45 and he is an expert shot. He has mere seconds before the thug reaches him and his family. What do you do?
Liberal Answer: "Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?"
Conservative Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Southerner's Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click....(sounds of reloading). Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click.... Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks, "What's that position?"
The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really into it, you lean forward and whisper in her ear, ‘Your sister likes this position too.’ Then, you try to hang on for 8 seconds."
That's it for today, my little buttercups. Remember, a word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice.
I'll see you in AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
