Samantha's Afraid Of Thunderstorms

My cat Samantha is a hussy, doling out affection as she sees fit except when she's hungry or during a thunderstorm. Drizzling rain is calming to her, but at the first crack of lightning, suddenly I'm her best friend. If the lightning gets worse, Sam is under the bed and it's every man for himself.

South Florida is known for its five minute weather changes, but this week, thunderstorms have been persistent. I'm not really bothered by thunderstorms unless it takes out the electricity. Usually, there's a brief flash followed by the thunder report, the time differential dependent upon how far away the lightning struck.

Then, of course, there's that one that is too close for comfort and the flash and thunder occur simultaneously. Those are the ones that send both Samantha and I to the bedroom.

Most of my pets over the years were not happy campers when thunderstorms occurred. From what I've gathered from friends on Facebook this week, their pets are suffering from the same malady. Samantha and I wish everyone a sunny remainder of the week.
   

The News As I See It: Republicans in Congress are getting concerned that Obama will try to use the final year of his term to push through too many controversial laws. Obama would have responded but he was busy drafting his new "mandatory Mexican gay weed" bill.

In a South Carolina speech, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham's personal cellphone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call.

The dating website AshleyMadison.com, which is a site where married people go to find someone to have an affair with, was hacked yesterday and now the hackers are threatening to release information about its users. This is one way to cut down on the number of people running for president.

A couple who got married in Illinois has the last names Burger and King. It makes sense because in a few years most of their conversations will end with "Fine, have it your way!"

Rachel Dolezal gave an interview to Vanity Fair where she continued to claim she is black. Even though the whitest thing you can do is give an interview to Vanity Fair.

The U.S. won the International Math Olympiad. If you don’t think Americans can compete with Asia in math, maybe you should talk to some of the members of the American team, like Shyam Narayanan, Yang Liu, Allen Liu and their coach, Po-Shen Loh.

This Date In History: 1796; Cleveland, Ohio, was founded by Gen. Moses Cleaveland. 1933; Wiley Post became the first person to fly solo around the world. 1934; John Dillinger was shot to death outside Chicago's Biograph Theater.

1937; Franklin D. Roosevelt's "court packing" scheme was rejected by the U.S. Senate. 1975; Congress restored Confederate general Robert E. Lee's U.S. citizenship.

1990; Greg LeMond won his third Tour de France. A Minnesota native, Lemond was the first American to win the great French cycling race. 2003; Saddam Hussein's sons, Uday and Ousay, were killed in a firefight.

2013; Prince George of Cambridge is born. He is the first child of Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge.

Picture Of The Day: Keep an eye on your pets during thunderstorms. Most of them are afraid when they ocur.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My Uncle in Chicago was a staunch conservative and voted straight line Republican until the day he died. Now, he votes Democrat. 2) I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally. 3) I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future...but enough about my diet. 4) Buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift. 5) I sure will be happy when scientists discover a cure for Natural Causes.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 22nd: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with the one that attracts you.

Birthdays: Emma Lazarus, poet and essayist 1849, Edward Hopper, artist 1882, Alexander Calder, sculptor 1898, Stephen Vincent Benét, author 1898, Amy Vanderbilt, journalist, author 1908, Oscar de la Renta, fashion designer 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mendel Rosenblatt was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. Mendel asked the doctor, "How can I get human milk?" The doctor said, "Well, Ethel Goldstein just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ethel's house for his daily feed. Ethel was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.

One day as he quietly lay suckling, she whispered to him, "Tell me Mr. Rosenblatt, do you like it?" Mendel sighed, "Mmmm, wonderful." Ethel, her lips parted and eyes aglow, said hesitantly, "Is there anything else you'd like?"

Mendel replied, "As a matter of fact there is." Ruby asked breathlessly, "What?" Mendel licked his lips and said, "Maybe a biscuit?"

A grouchy old woman awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. She asked the doctor, "Why are all the damned blinds closed?"

The doctor responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The party was really rocking when the host asked a very attractive blonde if she would like another drink.

The sexy blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink." With that, the host asked, "Why is that?"

The blonde coyly replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks, anyone can!"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast. She was wearing only the t-shirt that she slept in. As I walked in, half awake, she turned to me and said, softly, "Make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up as I thought, "I must be dreaming or this is my lucky day." I embraced her and took her right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she smiled and said, "Thanks" and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Content, yet curious, I asked her what that was all about. With a loving smile, she said, "The egg timer is broken."

That's it for today, my little penguins. Remember, if you're planning to teach your children the value of a dollar, you better hurry up. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

My Dog Beanie

Today I remember my dog Beanie, who has long since passed over the rainbow bridge to be with all my other faithful pets who filled my life with love.

Beanie was a mutt, but he was family to us. He got into all kinds of trouble in his day but, then again, so did Brother Kirt, Sister Jeanne and myself.

For those of you who have pets, there is no need to delve into how much they mean to you. For those of you who don't have pets, you may have missed some really fulfilling times in your life. So today, I'll be featuring dogs and other pets that I found surfing the web.

This will be short and sweet. I miss you Beanie.....

The News As I See It: North Korea continues to threaten to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to "Gangnam Style." In high school Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical "Grease." That's also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong.

Dealing with the North Koreans is very difficult. They have a history of making irrational decisions to divert the world's attention from the fact their system has totally collapsed. No wait, sorry, I was thinking of NBC.

Here’s something you may not know. When Vice President Biden and Obama meet for lunch at the White House, the chef goes out of his way to personalize their meals. For example, Biden’s lunch always comes with a toy.

There's a trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by 5 percent because of budget cuts — except for Vice President Joe Biden. He won't do it. Though in fairness, it’ll take Biden at least a month to figure out what 5 percent of his salary is.

The company that owns Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has been approved to buy Hostess Twinkies. A company spokesman said we want to branch out from people who don't care what they drink to people who don't care what they eat.

Tom Cruise made his first public comments about his divorce from Katie Holmes. He said, "I didn't see it coming." Apparently Katie kept her divorce papers on top of the refrigerator.

Happy birthday to Hugh Hefner, who recently turned 87 years old. He has a wife named Crystal who's 26 years old. She was born in 1986. He was born in 1926. What do they talk about? He served in World War II and she wasn't even alive when "Ghostbusters" came out.

Scientists have discovered a new type of tarantula that is eight inches wide. Even environmentalists were like, "You killed that thing, right?"

This Date In History: 1790; The U.S. patent system was formed. 1849; The safety pin was patented by Walter Hunt, in New York. 1866; The American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) was chartered.

1912; Titanic set sail on its fateful voyage. 1947; Branch Rickey of the Brooklyn Dodgers announced that Jackie Robinson had signed with the team. 1963; The atomic-powered submarine Thresher sank off Cape Cod, Mass.

1970; Paul McCartney announced the official split of the Beatles. 1974; Israeli prime minister Golda Meir announced her resignation. 1998; The Northern Ireland "Good Friday Accord" was reached.

2003; The U.S. House passed the "Amber Alert" bill. It provided a system for alerting the public about missing or abducted children.

Picture Of The Day: Playin' in the mud......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My first wife wasn't a very good cook. She got a little better later on in life when she figured out that the smoke alarm wasn't a timer. 2) If I had known the difference between antidote and anecdote, my friend Timmy would still be alive today. He got bitten by a rattlesnake and I read him humorous stories from Reader's Digest. 3) I was once pulled over for drinking while driving. I accused them of "profiling" because, as it turned out, they were stopping every car driving down that particular sidewalk. 4) I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. 5) Hide and go pee is one of the favorite games at my Uncle's retirement home.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 10th: Destiny awaits you and is waiting with open arms to welcome you into the clubhouse of love. Everything is going perfectly and nothing is going to spoil it until later on this month when that terrible thunderstorm hits. Check your home owners insurance policy, just in case.

Birthdays: Matthew C. Perry, naval officer 1794, William Booth, religious leader 1829, Joseph Pulitzer, American newspaper publisher 1847, Frances Perkins, U.S. Secretary of Labor 1882, Dolores Huerta labor leader 1930.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, getting blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has aspirated the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" The woman replied. "No, divorce attorney."

An older man named Harry Lipschitz went before a judge to legally change his name. The judge said, "I can see the reasoning behind your desire to change your name, sir. What would you like to change it to?" Harry said, "Murray Lipschitz."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R!" We missed the "R!" We missed the "R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was celebrate."
 

A drunk goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks the drunk if he would like to play a game of darts. The bartender says three bull's-eyes wins a prize. The game costs a dollar for three darts.

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart: A bull's-eye! The drunk downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet and throws.Two bulls eyes! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart. Three bulls eyes!

All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize. He grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks later, the drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, and he asks the drunk "Say, what did you win the last time?" The drunk responds "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll."

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, do not allow tequila to be your downfall. The worm does not justify the hangover. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !