Kenseth And Hamlin Win Daytona Twin 150s - Boyer Flips

The Daytona 500 is this Sunday (Fox - 12 pm) and judging from last night's Twin 150 qualifiers, the race promises to be action packed. The first 150 mile race was conservative at the beginning with most drivers saving their equipment for Sunday's race (which pays $250 thousand just to start). The final lap was a photo finish with Matt Kenseth edging out Kevin Harvick and Kasey Kayne.

The second 150 mile qualifying race was equally conservative until the final lap. Jimmie Johnson ran out of gas coming off turn #4 and everything went to hell in a hand basket. The ensuing mass crash sent Clint Boyer into a 360 degree flip, landing on four wheels and finishing the race. Denny Hamlin looked untouchable winning the race going away.

Jimmie Johnson is the defending Daytona 500 winner and a reigning six-time NASCAR Sprint Cup Series champ, yet, up until last night, had maintained a low profile for Daytona Speedweeks. Sunday's race marks the return of the Dale Earnhardt / Richard Childress #3 with Childress's grandson Austin Dillon at the wheel.

Dillon captured the pole position in the famed #3, which was formerly Dale Earnhardt's number. Earnhardt was killed in a racing crash in turn three on the last lap of the 2001 Daytona 500.

Dale Earnhardt Sr.

 

The Nationwide race will be seen live on Saturday (ESPN) at 1:15 pm and the Camping World truck race will be tonight (Fox Sports 1) at 7:30 pm. As you can see, this is a race car fan's ultimate weekend and should be exciting.

The News As I See It: The Department of Agriculture is recalling thousands of boxes of Hot Pockets because they contain meat that wasn’t properly inspected. When asked what kind of meat they use, a spokesman for Hot Pockets said, "Uh, mammal?"

A company is selling a new action figure based on NSA leaker Edward Snowden. Of course, the only thing it does is tattle on your G.I. Joes.

Obama met with Mexico's president. This was a rare trip for Obama. Usually he sends Dennis Rodman. Obama had a message for Mexicans. He said, "If you like your fajitas, you can keep your fajitas."

Charlie Sheen is getting married to an adult film star. She's no longer in the adult film industry. She is what they call a retired porn star. Too many concussions.

This Date In History: 1613; Michael Romanov was elected czar of Russia, beginning the Romanov imperial line. 1878; The first telephone book was issued in New Haven, Connecticut. 1916; Battle of Verdun, the longest and one of the bloodiest engagements of World War I, began.

1965; Black nationalist leader Malcolm X was assassinated. 1972; President Nixon became the first U.S. president to visit China. 1995; Steve Fossett became the first person to cross the Pacific Ocean solo in a balloon.

2002; It was confirmed that Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl was dead, allegedly murdered by Islamic militants. 2012; Eurozone finance ministers reached an agreement on a second, 130-billion bailout for Greece to help with the country's debt crisis.

Picture Of The Day: Denny Hamlin won the second 150 mile qualifying race and has been the hot car so far. Hamlin, returning from injuries on 2013, won the final race at Homestead Speedway last year and has been undefeated since.

Denny Hamlin is victorious in the second 150 qualifier

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think there should be a mandatory test at age 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed. 2) Is it considered rude to ask your co-worker if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?  3) I hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he's a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator. 4) If a bill collector or someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only" 5) The ending of "Romeo and Juliet" is only sad if you think two fourteen year-olds should have gotten married.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 21st: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true, the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with people you like.

Birthdays: Otto Hermann Kahn, banker and patron of the arts 1867, Constantin Brancusi, sculptor 1876, Andres Segovia, guitarist 1893, Anais Nin, author, diarist 1903, W. H. Auden, Anglo-American poet 1907, Robert Mugabe, president of Zimbabwe 1924, Erma Bombeck, writer, humorist 1927, Hubert de Givenchy, fashion designer 1927, Barbara Jordan, lawyer, politician and educator 1936, Jennifer Love Hewitt, actress 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. The first man asks the second, "How did you die?" The second man says, "I froze to death." The first man says, "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" 

The second man replies, "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."

The second man asks, "How did you die?" The first man says, "I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either."

He continued, "I ran as fast as I could to the attic and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head and says, "that's so ironic." The first man says, "What do you mean?" The second man replies, "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.

Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

 Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. Knock! Knock Knock! The husband says, "Guess who?" His wife answers, "I know who it is!" The husband says, "Guess what I want?" His wife replies, "I know what you want!" The husband says, "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

Matt Kenseth wins the first 150 mile qualifier

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

God said, "This pretty woman will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!"

God continued, "She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The golf pro says "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husband's penis." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The golf pro says. "Not bad. Now, take the club out of your mouth and hit the ball again."

That's it for today, my little love bugs. Remember, what we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. The first thing I'm going to do when I get home from is rip off my girlfriend's's panties. They're too small and the elastic is killing me.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Racing and Crashes and Oscars - Oh My !

It was an interesting weekend with the crashed marred Nascar Nationwide race on Saturday and the Daytona 500 on Sunday afternoon. Sunday night topped off the weekend with the glitz and glamor of the Academy Awards. If you happened to be a gay Nascar fan, the weekend must have been Nirvana.

Saturday's Nationwide series race was marred with a horrendous last lap crash which injured at least 30 people when car parts flew into the grandstands. At least 12 cars were swept into a melee on the final lap with rookie Kyle Larson’s car lifting off the ground and slamming wheels-first into the frontstretch grandstands near the flag stand.

The front wheels and engine from Larson’s car flew into the grandstands. No fatalities were reported but two people taken to the Halifax in Daytona Beach arrived in critical condition and one of those had life-threatening injuries, but both are considered stable.

Sunday's Daytona 500 was won by Jimmy Johnson with pole sitter Danica Patrick finishing a respectable 8th position, the highest finish ever recorded by a woman.

The Academy Awards were long and tiring as usual but there were a few outstanding moments. Argo won the Oscar for Best Picture and for some strange reason the presentation was read by Michele Obama. Perhaps it was just Hollywood left "boosterism" and propaganda for the White House or possibly because Barack did not win the Oscar for Best Dramatic actor.

Daniel Day-Lewis won the award for best actor for his role in "Lincoln" and Jennifer Lawrence won the Best Actress award for "Silver Linings Playbook." Ang Li took the Best Director award for "The Life Of Pi".

All in all, if you could stomach some of the hokey sets and song and dance scenes, it was an interesting night. From the previews that I had heard about Seth MacFarlane as host, I expected a bad performance, but overall, I think he did a good job.

The News As I See It: The Academy Awards was a lot of people you've never met thanking people I've never heard of. It was television's answer to JetBlue. You sit there for four hours waiting for it to take off. The show is four hours long, yet they give out awards for editing. That takes a lot of nerve. Pope Benedict was nominated for an Academy Award. He was up against "Lincoln" for best big hat.

A huge snowstorm has now hit 18 states. In fact, it is so cold that former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had his hands in his own pockets.

The price of gas is so high, Lindsay Lohan is now forced to choose between drinking or driving. She can't afford both.

The very first Woolworth's five-and-dime opened on this day in 1879. They went out of business in 1997. You know why? They were nickel and dimed to death.

There's talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China.

Pope Benedict was very underrated. The guy wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks. How bad is that? Now they're looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week's tryout with Kelly Ripa. It's reported that after the Pope retires he'll receive a relatively small pension, so don't be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads "Will Pope for food."

A 104-year-old-woman is complaining that she can’t put her real age on Facebook because the birth dates only go back as far as 1910. Facebook said it will solve the problem by either adding the dates or just waiting it out.

This Date In History: 1570; Elizabeth I, queen of England, was excommunicated by Pope Pius V. 1836; Samuel Colt patented the first revolving barrel multishot firearm. 1870; Hiram Revels became the first black United States senator, taking over the term of Jefferson Davis.

1901; J.P. Morgan formed U.S. Steel Corporation, the first billion-dollar corporation in the world. 1948; Communists took control of the government in Czechoslovakia. 1964; Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali) became world heavyweight boxing champion for the first time by knocking out Sonny Liston in Miami Beach.

1983; Tennessee Williams, American playwright, died. 1986; President Ferdinand Marcos fled the Philippines; Corazon Aquino took over the office. 1990; Violeta Chamorro was elected president of Nicaragua, a victory for opponents of the Sandinistas.

Picture Of The Day: Bambettes.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "your account's overdrawn." 2) I went to Sears the other day to buy some camouflage fishing pants, but I couldn't find any. 3) Have you ever woke up with your face in a plate of nachos and an Amish horse and buggy parked in front of your house?.......me either! 4) "Uh, no, you've got the wrong number. This is 91..2." 5) I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." I called my doctor and he said it's probably "Tom Jones Syndrome." I asked him if that was common and he said, "It's Not Unusual".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 25th: Spiders have feelings too - an undeniable but useless fact when the vacuum cleaner strikes! Bask in the glory of your achievements today discounting, of course, the fact that a spider family no longer has a father figure to rely on on.

Birthdays: Pierre Auguste Renoir, French artist 1841, Enrico Caruso, tenor 1873, John Foster Dulles, Secretary of State 1888, Dame Myra Hess, pianist 1890, Anthony Burgess, novelist 1917, Bobby Riggs, tennis player 1918, George Harrison, musician 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" All answered, "George had two assholes." The mortician, "What? How could he have two assholes?" Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in America by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." Her companion replies, "That's a bit odd, but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart and says, "Two dogs, please," The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers, "What part did you get?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed.

Two old men, Murray and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by. Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!"

The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Murray, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the "F" word."

Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say that?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"

A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest. The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked." The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys." The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner." The priest says, "Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in going, "Wait!" The priest says, "What’s wrong?!" The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Nancy sticks her ass in it."

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. The Queen said, "Oh Dear! How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." The Archbishop said, "It's quite understandable, your highness. As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse."

That's it for today, my little jelly beans. Remember, a married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

A Weekend Of Nascar Racing

It should be a great weekend with Nascar Racing at Daytona culminating with the Daytona 500 on Sunday. Later that evening, we can watch the 85th annual Academy Awards show.

Daytona begins tonight with the Camping World Truck series race. On Saturday afternoon, the Nationwide series season opener and on Sunday afternoon, the Daytona 500.

At the Academy Awards presentations, the nominees for best picture are: "Amour", "Argo", "Beasts of the Southern Wild", "Django Unchained", "Les Miserables", "Life of Pi", "Lincoln" and "Zero Dark Thirty".

The nominees for Actor in a Leading Role are: Barack Obama "Pinocchio", Bradley Cooper "Silver Linings Playbook",  Daniel Day-Lewis "Lincoln", Hugh Jackman, "Les Misérables", Joaquin Phoenix "The MasterView", and Denzel Washington "Flight".

The nominees for Actress in a Leading Role are: Jessica Chastain "Zero Dark Thirty", Jennifer Lawrence "Silver Linings Playbook" Emmanuelle Riva "Amour", Quvenzhané Wallis "Beasts of the Southern Wild" and  Naomi Watts "The Impossible".

The News As I See It: Scientists at the University of Maryland say they have found a chemical that causes women to talk more than men. It’s called “Chardonnay.” According to the study, women talk almost three times as much as men. That's usually because they know men aren't listening the first two times.

Officials in Oklahoma say it is possible that a 65-year-old man recently died of spontaneous combustion. This is not an isolated case. I think the last guy we saw go down in flames was Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. - Jesse plead guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he's going to wind up doing time.

In the latest Oscar buzz, many Pakistanis are saying that "Zero Dark Thirty" contains factual errors. Then someone explained to the Pakistanis that being directed by a woman does not qualify as a factual error.

Obama will speak at Ohio State’s graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those students. He’s currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt.

Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become "The Jerry Springer Show"? Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. He’s right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards.

Former San Diego mayor Maureen O'Connor, told federal prosecutors she went broke after gambling away more than a billion dollars she inherited from her late husband at casinos playing video poker. But to be fair, at one point, she was up 300 bucks.

Colorado recently voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is "Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave."

This Date In History: 1371; Robert II succeeded to the throne of Scotland, beginning the Stuart dynasty. 1819; Spain ceded Florida to the United States. 1879; Frank Winfield Woolworth opened his first "Five Cent Store" in Utica, New York.

1924; Calvin Coolidge made the first presidential radio broadcast from the White House. 1935; Airplanes were no longer permitted to fly over the White House. 1980; In a major upset, the U.S. Olympic hockey team defeated the Soviets 4–3 at Lake Placid, New York.

Picture Of The Day: Searching for a mouse.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions. 2) I'm sorry I got angry and said a lot of things I meant but shouldn't have said.  3) I don't think anyone should be allowed to write their autobiography until after they're dead. 4) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f*ck happened. 5) Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 22nd: Don't forget to lock your doors today and remember to give the children and pets a pat on the head. Your footsteps will seem louder today as you break in new shoes. However, this will not be a metaphorical sign of anything greater.

Birthdays: George Washington, First American President 1732, Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher 1788, James Russell Lowell, poet, critic, and editor 1819, Edna St. Vincent Millay, poet 1892, Edward Kennedy, U.S. Senator 1932, Jonathan Demme, director, producer, screenwriter 1944, Julius Erving, basketball player 1950, Drew Barrymore, actress 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says, "Well, that's great....that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. The Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding. The driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy, from South Carolina got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1313 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I’m not able to carry all of this."

The old lady suggested, "Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" The farmer said, "Why, thank you very much" and proceeded to walk the old lady home.

On the way he says, "Let’s take a short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens…."

Author's Note: For some reason, my TuneList is not currently working on the lowly AOL. It continues to work on Internet Explorer, Google, Google Chrome and Safari. This problem is being addressed and hopefully will be rectified in the coming days. 

That's it for today, my little flaming little comets. Remember, always be an optimist - at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for cocktails.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !