Oscars And Pizza And Tweets.....Oh My

The Academy Awards went off rather well last evening with a few funny moments including host Ellen Degeneres ordering (and receiving) pizza and a picture tweeted by Degeneres that set a retweet record and temporarily froze Tweeter.

One of the things that bothered me in Ellen's opening monologue was her comment about Best Picture. She said, "There are two possibilities this year. Possibility number one: '12 Years A Slave' wins best picture. Possibility number two: You're all racists."

Hey, if a movie is good, it's good and if it's bad, it's bad, skin color notwithstanding. It almost sounded like something that would come from an Obama rally. I thought the remark was in bad taste.

One of the yearly doses of reality for me is when the Academy recognizes actors who have recently passed. It was upsetting for me to reminded of the death of actress and former Mouseketeer, Annette Funicello. 

Some of the major winners were Best Picture: "12 Years a Slave" Best Director: Alfonso Cuaron, "Gravity" Best Actor: Matthew McConaughey, "Dallas Buyers Club" Best Actress: Cate Blanchett, "Blue Jasmine" Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto, "Dallas Buyers Club" Best Supporting Actress: Lupita Nyong'o, "12 Years a Slave."

I thought the most sincere and moving acceptance speech came from Lupita Nyong'o, who won the Oscar for Best Supporting actress in "12 Years a Slave." Matthew McConaughey also gave a heart warming response in his acceptance speech for winning the Best Actor Award for "Dallas Buyers Club".

 
The News As I See It: The Academy Awards show is that special time of year when celebrities get all done up and dress their best so they can be judged by people at home wearing sweatpants and pajamas.

The Russian government gave all of its gold medalists from the Sochi Games $120,000 plus a brand-new Mercedes SUV. While the silver and bronze medalists all received life in prison. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, “They are getting cars as well, but don't open the trunk.”

Boeing, the airplane manufacturer, is working on a new smart phone that will self-destruct if it's tampered with. Apple also has a smart phone that will self-destruct if you spill water on it, drop it, tap it too hard, forget to update it or just kind of look at it the wrong way.

They've discontinued Moviefone. If this new makes you sad, press 1. If you couldn't care less, press 2. The Moviefone guy is looking for a new job. He's going to be looking at 2:15, 5:00, 7:45, and 10:30.

This Date In History: 1845; Florida became the 27th state in the United States. 1845; The U.S. Senate passed legislation overriding a presidential veto for the first time. 1875; Georges Bizet's opera Carmen debuted in Paris, to cool audience reception and panned by critics.

1879; Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood became the first woman lawyer to be admitted to appear before the Supreme Court of the United States. 1918; Germany, Austria, and Russia signed the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk.

1931; The "Star-Spangled Banner" was adopted as the national anthem. 1991; Rodney King's vicious beating by Los Angeles police officers was caught on videotape.

2000; Former dictator Augusto Pinochet returned to Chile after being detained in Britain on torture charges. 2003; New embassies opened in Kenya and Tanzania, to replace those lost in the 1998 terrorist bombings.

Picture Of The Day: A pizza delivery man got his 15 minutes of fame when he delivered the pizza that Ellen Degeneres ordered.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Do women know that it's perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car? 2) The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses. 3) Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you. 4) For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering "Do something stupid to your hair." 5) All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes and tell me it's ok to get out of her bushes.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 3rd: Love moves in mysterious ways, mostly diagonal. If it upsets you that you just slept with your 3rd cousin, quit counting them.

Birthdays: George M. Pullman, industrialist 1831, Alexander Bell, American scientist, inventor of the telephone 1847 Matthew Ridgway, U.S. general 1895, Jean Harlow, actress 1911, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, athlete 1962.

Lupita Nyong'o - Best Supporting Actress

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk says. "Congratulations!"

Looking at the cowboy, the clerk asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy replies, "Naw, thanks. I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it." 

 A tourist was admiring a Seminole Indian's necklace. She asked, "What is it made of?" The Indian replied, "Alligator teeth." The woman said, "I suppose that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." The Indian objected, "No, anybody can open an oyster."
 

Matthew McConaughey - Best Actor

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it. Soon Silver was starting to feel better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothin' much, I just wanted you to know you left your Injun running.

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Yeehaw" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yeehaw" and rode off.

The service-station attendant asked the woman, "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" The woman answered, "Nothing, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off. The attendant replied, "Lady, Indians don't use saddles."

That's it for today, my little Oscar winners. Remember, when someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. That should tell you everything you need to know about marriage.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Racing and Crashes and Oscars - Oh My !

It was an interesting weekend with the crashed marred Nascar Nationwide race on Saturday and the Daytona 500 on Sunday afternoon. Sunday night topped off the weekend with the glitz and glamor of the Academy Awards. If you happened to be a gay Nascar fan, the weekend must have been Nirvana.

Saturday's Nationwide series race was marred with a horrendous last lap crash which injured at least 30 people when car parts flew into the grandstands. At least 12 cars were swept into a melee on the final lap with rookie Kyle Larson’s car lifting off the ground and slamming wheels-first into the frontstretch grandstands near the flag stand.

The front wheels and engine from Larson’s car flew into the grandstands. No fatalities were reported but two people taken to the Halifax in Daytona Beach arrived in critical condition and one of those had life-threatening injuries, but both are considered stable.

Sunday's Daytona 500 was won by Jimmy Johnson with pole sitter Danica Patrick finishing a respectable 8th position, the highest finish ever recorded by a woman.

The Academy Awards were long and tiring as usual but there were a few outstanding moments. Argo won the Oscar for Best Picture and for some strange reason the presentation was read by Michele Obama. Perhaps it was just Hollywood left "boosterism" and propaganda for the White House or possibly because Barack did not win the Oscar for Best Dramatic actor.

Daniel Day-Lewis won the award for best actor for his role in "Lincoln" and Jennifer Lawrence won the Best Actress award for "Silver Linings Playbook." Ang Li took the Best Director award for "The Life Of Pi".

All in all, if you could stomach some of the hokey sets and song and dance scenes, it was an interesting night. From the previews that I had heard about Seth MacFarlane as host, I expected a bad performance, but overall, I think he did a good job.

The News As I See It: The Academy Awards was a lot of people you've never met thanking people I've never heard of. It was television's answer to JetBlue. You sit there for four hours waiting for it to take off. The show is four hours long, yet they give out awards for editing. That takes a lot of nerve. Pope Benedict was nominated for an Academy Award. He was up against "Lincoln" for best big hat.

A huge snowstorm has now hit 18 states. In fact, it is so cold that former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had his hands in his own pockets.

The price of gas is so high, Lindsay Lohan is now forced to choose between drinking or driving. She can't afford both.

The very first Woolworth's five-and-dime opened on this day in 1879. They went out of business in 1997. You know why? They were nickel and dimed to death.

There's talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China.

Pope Benedict was very underrated. The guy wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks. How bad is that? Now they're looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week's tryout with Kelly Ripa. It's reported that after the Pope retires he'll receive a relatively small pension, so don't be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads "Will Pope for food."

A 104-year-old-woman is complaining that she can’t put her real age on Facebook because the birth dates only go back as far as 1910. Facebook said it will solve the problem by either adding the dates or just waiting it out.

This Date In History: 1570; Elizabeth I, queen of England, was excommunicated by Pope Pius V. 1836; Samuel Colt patented the first revolving barrel multishot firearm. 1870; Hiram Revels became the first black United States senator, taking over the term of Jefferson Davis.

1901; J.P. Morgan formed U.S. Steel Corporation, the first billion-dollar corporation in the world. 1948; Communists took control of the government in Czechoslovakia. 1964; Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali) became world heavyweight boxing champion for the first time by knocking out Sonny Liston in Miami Beach.

1983; Tennessee Williams, American playwright, died. 1986; President Ferdinand Marcos fled the Philippines; Corazon Aquino took over the office. 1990; Violeta Chamorro was elected president of Nicaragua, a victory for opponents of the Sandinistas.

Picture Of The Day: Bambettes.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "your account's overdrawn." 2) I went to Sears the other day to buy some camouflage fishing pants, but I couldn't find any. 3) Have you ever woke up with your face in a plate of nachos and an Amish horse and buggy parked in front of your house?.......me either! 4) "Uh, no, you've got the wrong number. This is 91..2." 5) I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." I called my doctor and he said it's probably "Tom Jones Syndrome." I asked him if that was common and he said, "It's Not Unusual".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 25th: Spiders have feelings too - an undeniable but useless fact when the vacuum cleaner strikes! Bask in the glory of your achievements today discounting, of course, the fact that a spider family no longer has a father figure to rely on on.

Birthdays: Pierre Auguste Renoir, French artist 1841, Enrico Caruso, tenor 1873, John Foster Dulles, Secretary of State 1888, Dame Myra Hess, pianist 1890, Anthony Burgess, novelist 1917, Bobby Riggs, tennis player 1918, George Harrison, musician 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" All answered, "George had two assholes." The mortician, "What? How could he have two assholes?" Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in America by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." Her companion replies, "That's a bit odd, but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart and says, "Two dogs, please," The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers, "What part did you get?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed.

Two old men, Murray and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by. Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!"

The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Murray, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the "F" word."

Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say that?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"

A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest. The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked." The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys." The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner." The priest says, "Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in going, "Wait!" The priest says, "What’s wrong?!" The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Nancy sticks her ass in it."

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. The Queen said, "Oh Dear! How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." The Archbishop said, "It's quite understandable, your highness. As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse."

That's it for today, my little jelly beans. Remember, a married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

A Weekend Of Nascar Racing

It should be a great weekend with Nascar Racing at Daytona culminating with the Daytona 500 on Sunday. Later that evening, we can watch the 85th annual Academy Awards show.

Daytona begins tonight with the Camping World Truck series race. On Saturday afternoon, the Nationwide series season opener and on Sunday afternoon, the Daytona 500.

At the Academy Awards presentations, the nominees for best picture are: "Amour", "Argo", "Beasts of the Southern Wild", "Django Unchained", "Les Miserables", "Life of Pi", "Lincoln" and "Zero Dark Thirty".

The nominees for Actor in a Leading Role are: Barack Obama "Pinocchio", Bradley Cooper "Silver Linings Playbook",  Daniel Day-Lewis "Lincoln", Hugh Jackman, "Les Misérables", Joaquin Phoenix "The MasterView", and Denzel Washington "Flight".

The nominees for Actress in a Leading Role are: Jessica Chastain "Zero Dark Thirty", Jennifer Lawrence "Silver Linings Playbook" Emmanuelle Riva "Amour", Quvenzhané Wallis "Beasts of the Southern Wild" and  Naomi Watts "The Impossible".

The News As I See It: Scientists at the University of Maryland say they have found a chemical that causes women to talk more than men. It’s called “Chardonnay.” According to the study, women talk almost three times as much as men. That's usually because they know men aren't listening the first two times.

Officials in Oklahoma say it is possible that a 65-year-old man recently died of spontaneous combustion. This is not an isolated case. I think the last guy we saw go down in flames was Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. - Jesse plead guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he's going to wind up doing time.

In the latest Oscar buzz, many Pakistanis are saying that "Zero Dark Thirty" contains factual errors. Then someone explained to the Pakistanis that being directed by a woman does not qualify as a factual error.

Obama will speak at Ohio State’s graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those students. He’s currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt.

Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become "The Jerry Springer Show"? Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. He’s right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards.

Former San Diego mayor Maureen O'Connor, told federal prosecutors she went broke after gambling away more than a billion dollars she inherited from her late husband at casinos playing video poker. But to be fair, at one point, she was up 300 bucks.

Colorado recently voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is "Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave."

This Date In History: 1371; Robert II succeeded to the throne of Scotland, beginning the Stuart dynasty. 1819; Spain ceded Florida to the United States. 1879; Frank Winfield Woolworth opened his first "Five Cent Store" in Utica, New York.

1924; Calvin Coolidge made the first presidential radio broadcast from the White House. 1935; Airplanes were no longer permitted to fly over the White House. 1980; In a major upset, the U.S. Olympic hockey team defeated the Soviets 4–3 at Lake Placid, New York.

Picture Of The Day: Searching for a mouse.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions. 2) I'm sorry I got angry and said a lot of things I meant but shouldn't have said.  3) I don't think anyone should be allowed to write their autobiography until after they're dead. 4) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f*ck happened. 5) Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 22nd: Don't forget to lock your doors today and remember to give the children and pets a pat on the head. Your footsteps will seem louder today as you break in new shoes. However, this will not be a metaphorical sign of anything greater.

Birthdays: George Washington, First American President 1732, Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher 1788, James Russell Lowell, poet, critic, and editor 1819, Edna St. Vincent Millay, poet 1892, Edward Kennedy, U.S. Senator 1932, Jonathan Demme, director, producer, screenwriter 1944, Julius Erving, basketball player 1950, Drew Barrymore, actress 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says, "Well, that's great....that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. The Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding. The driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy, from South Carolina got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1313 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I’m not able to carry all of this."

The old lady suggested, "Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" The farmer said, "Why, thank you very much" and proceeded to walk the old lady home.

On the way he says, "Let’s take a short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens…."

Author's Note: For some reason, my TuneList is not currently working on the lowly AOL. It continues to work on Internet Explorer, Google, Google Chrome and Safari. This problem is being addressed and hopefully will be rectified in the coming days. 

That's it for today, my little flaming little comets. Remember, always be an optimist - at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for cocktails.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

And The Winner Is......

The Academy Awards were held last night and "Slum Dog Millionaire" won 8 Oscars including the best movie category as well as best director for Danny Boyle. Kate Winslett and Sean Penn won best female and male actor awards, Winslett for "The Reader" and Penn for "Milk". In the best supporting actors roles, Penelope Cruz took top honors with "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" and Heath Ledger won posthumously for his role in "Dark Knight."

Matt Kenseth won the California 500 Sunday, the first driver to win back to back season opening races in 12 years. Kenseth led Jeff Gordon and Kyle Busch to the checkered flag. Busch, who won both the Nascar Truck Race and Nationwide race on Saturday, ran well, but had nothing for Kenseth.

The Grocery Shopping Trip - Part One: On a recent trip to the local Publix grocery store, I made some observations that must have registered in my mind at some point in time, but remained dormant in my subconscious until recently. First and foremost, let me say that I committed the first cardinal sin of intelligent grocery shopping to wit; I did not eat breakfast before going shopping.

That said, I was wandering around the store, stocking up on necessary items and due to hunger, additional items like cookies, dark chocolate, ice cream and other decadent non-essentials.

In my euphoria, I began to notice that some people dressed to go shopping while others seemed to be oblivious of anything remotely resembling good taste. While I don't expect to see people in tuxedos and evening gowns, some semblance of decent attire should enter their minds before going out.

Men and women in flip flops and sandals with dirty feet, stained T-shirts on beer-bellied men that should have been a size larger, women whose hair looked like they woke up three minutes ago and just left it that way. The most annoying were the people who brought their entire brood, with each little imp either crying to ride in the baby seat, or demanding at the top of his lungs that his mother purchase candy or cereal. The parents, naturally, have either not enough intellect to reprimand the little bastards or, through the years, have lost what sanity they ever had.

While escaping the infamous "family that shops together", I went over to the best area of the grocery store, the deli and bakery area. If I were writing a book about grocery shopping, some of the steamiest chapters would take place there. If romance exists in a grocery store, it is the deli-bakery area that it is spawned. I like to refer to it as the provocatively dressed department.

Suffice to say, while the cold cuts and prepackaged sandwich meat area is more for the family with kids on a budget, the deli-bakery area is more the St. Tropez area for the well to do. I'll tell you more about this on Wednesday.

On Wednesday - Part Two: It's true what they say about meeting women at the super market.

This Date In History: 1820; Police arrest the plotters of the Cato Street Conspiracy, who planned to blow up the British Cabinet. 1870; The US state of Mississippi is formally re-admitted to the Union. 1885; Convicted murderer John Lee survives three attempts to hang him at Exeter Prison. His sentence is commuted, and leaving prison in 1917 he lives until 1933.

1903; The United States receives a perpetual lease on Guantánamo Bay, in Cuba. 1945; US Marines capture the highest point on the island of Iwo Jima and raise the American flag for the second time that day. 1965; Legendary film comedian Stan Laurel dies in Santa Monica, California, aged 74. 1981; Lieutenant Colonel Antonio Tejero and 200 members of the civil guard unsuccessfully attempt a right-wing coup d'état in Spain.

Picture Of The Day: It's Oscar time and the Academy Awards are spewing photographs in every medium, so I snagged a few for your dining and dancing pleasure. This particular picture is for my pleasure/.

Birthdays: Samuel Pepys, diarist and civil servant 1633, George Frideric Handel, composer of German birth but English by naturalization, one of the greatest composers of the late Baroque period and, during his lifetime, perhaps the most internationally famous of all musicians 1685, George Watts, painter and sculptor 1817, Karl Jaspers, German philosopher 1883, W. E. B. Du Bois, American historian and sociologist 1868.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My first car was a 1956 two-door ford with three speed floor transmission, blue lights under the dash and a tendency to veer to drive-in movies. 2) Your "other car" is just as crummy as my "other car." 3) In my younger, married years, I rode some loopty-loop contraption in Busch Gardens, Tampa, with my kids once....once! 4) Lake Tahoe, Nevada has always been my destination of choice. 5) I woke up one morning at a hotel-casino resort in the Bahamas with a woman I met somewhere in Miami Beach the evening before....life is good!

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away. Where do you live?" asked the operator. Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Billy Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. A voice answered, "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" Father O'Malley said, "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Fadder O'Malley at St Brigid's. Dere's a jackass lyin dead on me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of da matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

That's it for today my little Oscar winners. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !