The Florida Keys ~ The Party Years

Fishing is fun, but the Keys nightlife is outrageous. Once again, some stories remain private, at least until the statute of limitations expire. But today's stories are a brief look into my yesteryear.

My partners and I bought a condo in Islamorada back in the 80s ostensibly for the fishing and diving. Since I knew the Keys nightlife relatively well, I knew the condo would serve those purposes as well.

I have great pictures of the renovations we made. but unfortunately they are in the Alzheimer's file. I will publish them if and when I find the file.

We usually cooked dinner at our condo because no restaurant had fresher snapper or lobster than we did. My friend Donna was (and still is) one of the best cooks I've ever met and no one prepares seafood better than her!

The parties at the then called "Top Of The Isle" in Islamorada were great. I recall one evening we were having dinner there for about 6-7 couples and I happened to look over and see World Champion boxer Alexis Arguello dining with friends.

Having admired Arguello's skills over the years, I told the group that I was going to ask for his autograph. Everyone said, "no, let him dine in peace" but anyone who's ever seen Jimmy after a couple of scotches knew that was not going to happen.

I walked over, asked his pardon and asked for an autograph for my son. Being the gentleman that he was, I gave me the personalized autograph for Kevin. He told me to come by his boat the next day for pictures and asked if I would like to go fishing with him and his group.

I politely declined and when I returned to my table, all the other guys went over and asked for his autograph as well. A great evening.Some of the parties I went to started out in a speedboat owned by a friend and we went from bar to bar via the speedboat.

It was during this time that my friend Larry and I and our spiritual leader Johnnie Walker Black, who possessed Larry to point out an attractive lady at the bar sitting next to a huge man. I didn't see her at first, but Larry said, It's the cute blond sitting beside that fat ----."

Naturally, the blond repeated Larry's remark word for word and we had to leave hurriedly in a taxi leaving our sons Lance and Kevin at the restaurant. We passed our wives who were joining us and told them to go get the kids and we'd explain later. No  one found it amusing, except for Larry and I. No one got in trouble, except Larry and I.

There are a lot of Keys stories, including my friend landing his helicopter illegally at a restaurant or the time Larry and I rode home in the trunk of a car with the lid up and mooning passersby, much to the chagrin of our wives and their friends who were in a car behind us. Maybe we'll address those subjects on another day.....

Part of our motly crew - Guess which one is Larry?

The News As I See It: Bernie Sanders has now passed Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire polls. It’s the first time anyone’s ever been passed by a guy in a Prius. Bernie is polling at 44 percent among Democrats in New Hampshire and has passed Hillary Clinton as the Democratic front-runner. In another new poll, zero percent of Hillary's staffers wanted to be the one to bring her that news.

Officials investigating Hillary's email scandal found that two of the four classified emails on her private account had information labeled "Top Secret." That was pretty stupid. Everyone knows if you want to hide stuff on your computer, you put it in a folder labeled "Tax Stuff 2008".

According to a new study conducted by Facebook, the laughter signifier "LOL," or laughing out loud, is barely being used anymore. So, LOL is dead? Actually, nobody was ever actually laughing out loud to begin with. It's just a saying, like "I'm going to the gym" or "It's so great running into you."

Just because LOL is dead on Facebook doesn't mean it’s dead in real life. If it's like any other dying trend, LOL will continue to be used by senior citizens and Christian rock bands for at least a decade. The study goes on to reveal that instead of writing LOL, people are writing "haha," which works in print, but if you ever actually laugh like that in real life you sound like you're being really sarcastic.

A new study claims that first grade students are getting three times more homework than they should be doing. This is coming from the lead researcher, "Timmy."

This Date In History: 1900; International forces entered Beijing, China, in an effort to suppress the anti-foreign uprising known as the Boxer Rebellion. 1935; The Social Security Act became law.

1945; Japan surrendered to the United States, ending World War II. 1947; Pakistan became independent of British rule. 1951; Newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst died in Beverly Hills, California.

1995; Shannon Faulkner became the first female cadet at the Citadel, the state military college of South Carolina. 1997; Timothy McVeigh was sentenced to death for the Oklahoma City bombing. 2003; The largest blackout in North American history hit the northeast.

Picture Of The Day: The Lorelei Restaurant at Dusk

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Brother Kirt told me that two or three glasses or wine per day can reduce your risk of giving a shit. 2)  Christian Mingle: Find God's match for you. Because the Lord works in mysterious ways and I'm positive that setting up a website for his people to hook up is a top priority. 3) I don't always drink tequila but when I do, I always wonder where my car and clothes are. 4) My grandma keeps talking about her monthly checks, prescription drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she's a rapper. 5) A cute bank teller told me she wanted to make love to me in the vault. She's a little kinky, but at least she's into safe sex.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 14th: You have romance in your heart, but it needs to be released. Relax all your muscles, with the exception of any sphincters. See, you're already getting mentally prepared for a relationship. Try the new companion website for religious potato chip lovers. It's called Christian Pringles.

Birthdays: Ernest Everett Just, biologist, educator 1883, Russell Baker, columnist 1925, Steve Martin, comedian, actor 1945, Danielle Steel, author 1947, Magic Johnson, basketball player 1959, Halle Berry, actress, model 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck.

One of the other hunters asked, "Where's Harry?" The man said, "He fell over a log a couple miles up the trail and broke his ankle."

The other hunter said, "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?" The hunter answered, "It was a tough decision, but I figured no one was going to steal Harry."

A guy is walking along a sandy southern beach when he comes across a brass lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it the proverbial rub.

A genie springs forth in a cloud and tells him, "You have been granted one wish. Not three. That's a myth. One is all you get, so make it count."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever." The genie says, "Sorry, I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

The guy says, "OK, then, I want to die right after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the national debt."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

How To Start Each Day With A Positive Outlook:

1. Open a new folder in your computer.
2. Name it "Barack Obama".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. The PC will ask: Do you want to get rid of Barack Obama?
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better? Good! – Monday we’ll do Hillary Clinton.

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled.

This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the U.S.F.S. The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumb-found silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard.

Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

That's it for today, my little petunias. Remember, the hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hit man you can trust. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

The Florida Keys - Part Deux ~ Conch Key Adventures

It's impossible to relate my escapades in the Keys in a few short posts, but there are many stories that deserve mentioning. One particular story involves Brother Kirt and I, our friend Ronnie,  and an older family friend named Mr. Ritter.

Mr. Ritter overheard Kirt and I talking about fishing in Conch Key when we were kids and, out of the goodness of his heart, offered to take us fishing in the Keys.

We headed to the Keys one morning in Mr. Ritter's 1958 Chevrolet station wagon, stopping on the way to purchase bait consisting of mullet and shrimp, a few bags of ice and some sodas. Our destination was the Channel Five bridge which is just before Conch Key.

Arriving about midday, we parked the car where the sea wall meets the bridge. Excited about our arrival, we immediately began casting for anything that bites. We caught about 10 decent snapper and grunt. Yep, I eat grunts. Not much meat on 'em but if you catch enough, they make a fine meal. Ever heard of "grits and grunts"?

We iced the fish and Mr. Ritter lied down in the station wagon for a nap. As I was baiting my hook, I happen to look down in the crystal clear 8-10 feet of water and saw the largest jewfish I've ever seen. How big was it?

If I had the cojones, I could have jumped on it and rode it like a horse. It was easily the size of the jewfish pictured below. Apparently, it had discovered the remains of the mullet we had cut for bait.

I yelled for my brother and our pal Ronnie to come. They couldn't believe the size of the jewfish. I happened to have had a very large shark hook and I came up with a plan to catch the jewfish.

I would bait the shark hook with an entire mullet, tie the hook using the rope from the bait bucket and tie same to the bumper of Mr Ritter's station wagon. It was about that time that Mr. Ritter heard the commotion and awoke from his nap.

Bear in mind that we were teenagers and I may have been in the 10th grade. Brother Kirt and Ronnie were younger. Mr. Ritter's eyes lit up when he saw that large jewfish, but when he became aware that our plan to catch it entailed tying the rope to the bumper of his station wagon, he nixed the plan. He actually feared that the fish might pull his car into the water.

That night, we continued fishing and later, using a flashlight, observed the many Florida lobster that were hiding in the crevices of the seawall. All of those antennae poking out of the seawalls and, alas, out of season. I don't know if lobsters have Twitter accounts to apprise them of opening season, but you never see them in the seawalls during the season.

I've had many an adventure on Conch Key and the Channel 5 bridge. I've seen unbelievable schools of 5-6 foot tarpon pass under the bridge. I saw an college aged kid catch a large permit from the catwalk and learned that permit run sideways when hooked and it's like reeling in a bucket of water.

I also saw the same college idiot snag a beautiful manta ray with a wing span of easily 12 feet. Fortunately, the huge manta ray took it with a grain of salt and took every bit of line off the kid's reel. The line broke when the manta triumphantly leaped into the air.

The kid lamented that he had just had fresh line put on his reel  costing him a pretty penny. I told him, "Maybe you shouldn't have snagged the manta."

I will post my final entry on the Florida Keys on Friday.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton has a $350 billion plan that she says will make college more affordable. That's better than my parent's plan to make college affordable which was, "Be good at sports."

A PAC supporting Hillary Clinton just received an anonymous donation of $1 million. Which means that if she wins any of us can say that it was us that gave her the million bucks and hit her up for a favor. What’s interesting is that this million-dollar donation came just two weeks after Hillary spoke out against, "the endless flow of secret, unaccountable money" into campaigns.

Liberal Socialist Democrat Bernie Sanders had a rally in Los Angeles last night attended by over 27,000 supporters. The rally set the world record for most Priuses in one parking lot.

A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton is only six points ahead of Bernie Sanders. Today a very confident Hillary said, "Oh, please. Like I'm going to lose the Democratic nomination to a left-wing senator nobody's ever heard of?" Apparently, Hillary has forgotten about Obama in 2008.

A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays. Which explains that one line: "To be, or not to be...... What was the question?"

North Korea is creating its own time zone. It's going to push the country's time back a half hour. So it's not bad enough that they don't have food and they're ruled by an insane dictator. Now they have to wait until 8:00 to watch "Wheel of Fortune." 

For the first time American astronauts on the International Space Station ate vegetables grown in space. In other words, even space is getting more rain than California.

Bernie Sanders drew over 20,000 people to his campaign event in Portland this weekend. Sounds impressive, but remember, it’s Portland. You can draw a crowd of 20,000 people with a Frisbee.

Schooling Tarpon

This Date In History: 1624; Cardinal Richelieu was named chief minister of France by king Louis XIII. 1851; Issac Singer patented the sewing machine. 1865; British surgeon Joseph Lister became the first doctor to use an antiseptic during surgery.

1898; Hawaii was formally annexed to the United States. 1898; A peace protocol ending the Spanish-American War was signed. 1972; The last American combat troops left Vietnam. 1985; In the world's worst single-aircraft disaster, a Japan Air Lines 747 crashed into Mount Osutaka, killing 520 of the 524 aboard.

1998; Swiss banks agreed to pay $1.25 billion to settle lawsuits brought by Holocaust survivors and their heirs. The banks had kept millions of dollars deposited by Holocaust victims before and during World War II.

2000; The Russian military submarine, Kursk, and its crew were lost in the Barents Sea. 2004; N.J. governor James McGreevey announced his resignation.

2013; Notorious Boston gangster James (Whitey) Bulger was found guilty of 31 of the 32 charges he faced, including murder, extortion, money laundering, drug dealing and possession of weapons.

Picture Of The Day: A great place to lie back and take it all in.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor. 2) We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood. 3) If a tree falls in the woods, it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose. 4) Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girlfriend's hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins.  5) If I'm in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are anywhere else, I flush the toilet.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 12th: All of your goals are achievable, although some of them would involve bionic implants and a bit of embezzlement. On another subject, If you are cornered by raccoons in the wild, place your thumb and index finger tips together and make a bandit mask. They will accept you.

Birthdays: George IV, king of Great Britain and Ireland (1820–30), eldest son and successor of George III 1762, Katharine Lee Bates, author 1859, Jacinto Benavente, dramatist 1866, Mary Roberts Rinehart, novelist 1876, Christy Mathewson, baseball player 1880, Cecil B. De Mille,  film director 1881, Erwin Schrödinger, theoretical physicist and cat owner 1887, Cantinflas, actor 1911 George Hamilton, actor, producer 1939, Pete Sampras, tennis player 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge."

He continues, "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "So, you'll screw her again!"

While acquainting himself with a new elderly female patient, the doctor asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years.....when my husband was alive."
 

Conch Key circa 1958

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A business woman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for pressing.

Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinese man, waiting. Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, "My, you come lickety-split!" The elderly Chinese man replied, "No ma'am, come to get laundry."

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about."

Ethel went on, "Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."  

That's it for today, my little puppy dogs. Remember, a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Exploring The Florida Keys

Born and raised in Florida, I have a special relationship with all that Florida has to offer, but I especially like The Florida Keys. Beginning with trips at age 5 with my parents, it holds special memories, some of which I can tell you and others I cannot.

We used to go every year to Conch Key as kids and childhood memories of swimming with my brother and sister remain clearly in my mind. Later trips there produced some funny happenings.

Brother Kirt and I were fishing off the docks one afternoon and Kirt caught a Crawfish (lobster). We had no idea how to take it off the hook, so we walked down to the local bar and grill where my dad was having a beer with friends. We sauntered into the bar to show my father and everyone reacted strangely.

As it turned out, lobsters were out of season and the fine was $500 if you were caught. Both the bartender and dad quickly grabbed our "catch" and removed the hook. Dad told the cook to take it out back and release it.

Kirt and I were happy until we went around to the back of the bar to see if we could see the lobster, only to learn that there was no waterway or beach behind the bar.

In my teenage years, it was a big adventure to take off on a moment's notice with a carload of friends to go fishing in the Keys. There was one long bridge that had a catwalk and we would sit there fishing for anything that would bite. Of course we were also supplied with submarine sandwiches, beer (purchased for us by any friend who was of age) and Hav-A-Tampa cigars.

The night was more about comradery and fun that fishing. Occasionally, one of us would catch something, but due to the current, half the night was spent "setting the hook" on the seaweed that had wrapped around our lines. By the early morning, we were taking a quick swim and the hour drive back to Miami.

Time and space limit my stories, but maybe on Wednesday, I'll continue to relate some of my Keys adventures.

On a sad note: Frank Gifford, NFL legend, famed TV broadcaster and husband of Kathie Lee, has died. Gifford's family said the Pro Football Hall of Famer died suddenly at his Connecticut home of natural causes on Sunday morning. Gifford was 84 year old. Rest in peace, Mr Gifford.

The News As I See It: A clothing company is making T-shirts inspired by Bernie Sanders with messages like "Feel the Bern." They were gonna make them for Lincoln Chafee too, but no one wants to wear a shirt that says "Feel the Chafee."

At a recent education summit, Obama admitted that he can’t rap. When they heard, Americans said, "Good! There's enough crap already spewing from your mouth."

According to a new survey, about half of the world thinks kissing is gross. That half is known as "married people."

This Date In History: 1821; Missouri became the 24th state in the United States. 1846; The Smithsonian Institution was established in Washington, D.C., from funds left by British scientist James Smithson.

1921; Franklin D. Roosevelt was stricken with polio at his summer home on Campobello island. 1944; U.S. forces seized Guam from Japan. 1948; Candid Camera with Allen Funt debuted on television.

1988; President Reagan signed a bill that awarded $20,000 to each survivor of the Japanese-American internment. 1993; Ruth Bader Ginsburg was sworn in as the second female U.S. Supreme Court justice.

Picture Of The Day: Pigeon Key housed the workers who built the Seven Mile Bridge from 1908 to 1912 for railroad magnate Henry Flagler, a partner of John D. Rockefeller. It is only permissable to be accessed by boat guided tours from Marathon.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My daughter once asked me what marriage was like, so I threw out all her Barbie and Ken dolls, except for Fat Barbie and bald, drunken Ken. 2) Kinky is when you bring a feather to use while having sex. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken. 3) She berated me, saying that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices, so I threw her into a volcano. 4) My inconsiderate neighbor called my cat fat the other day. It took me two hours to convince my cat that she just had thick fur.  5) My girlfriend complains about everything I do. Apparently, she is unaware there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet me.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 10th: Damning words reach your ears after you hose a neighbor's pet for using your lawn for it's bodily functions. Poo may be flung back across the garden fence if the issue is not resolved within the next few weeks.

The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true for you, the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests.

Birthdays: Herbert Hoover, 31st President of the United States 1874, ANorma Shearer, actress 1900, Jorge Amado, author 1912, Rosanna Arquette, actress 1959, Antonio Banderas, actor 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him and he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Canada, sir."

The manager asked, "Why did you leave Canada?" The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing in Canada but whores and hockey players." The manager said, "My wife is from Canada." The boy replied, "No shit? What team did she play for?"

A man's small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. The child approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" The tyke answered, "Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a man is suing St Luke's Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

In response to the suit, a hospital spokesman replied, "The gentleman's wife was admitted to Ophthalmology. All we did was correct her eyesight."

A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going into the toilet.

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber, grabbed a stuffed bunny from the bedroom and placed it over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, there are literally hundreds of chameleons in your house right now and you don't even know it.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

The Florida Keys

The Florida Keys are probably one of the nicest places to get away from it all. There's so much to do and the amazing places to be seen are enumerable. Living within a one hour drive to the Middle Keys, I've spent a lot of time swimming, fishing, partying and generally enjoying the Florida sunshine.

The locals are also part of the atmosphere and, for the most part, they're always fun to be around. As a rule, you'll usually run into someone you know and I've met several musicians and celebrities in the Keys, including former World Champion boxer Alexis Arguello, among others.

My preference has always been the middle keys as Key West proper is more of a tourist area than a good place to hang out and relax. Nevertheless, you have to go once and decide for yourself.

I owned a condo with some friends there for many years, but circumstances changed and I had to sell. Nevertheless the memories remain and, unfortunately, some of the stories can't be repeated...at least until the statute of limitations expire.

Suffice to say, there were some crazy times with some fairly crazy (and caring) people back in the day and I keep their fond memories close to me. If you ever have the chance to vacation in the Florida Keys, I highly recommend it.

The News As I See It: John McCain was caught playing video poker on his iPhone during the Senate hearings the other day. Even worse, it was strip poker. Everybody is criticizing McCain, but compared to what politicians like Anthony Weiner are doing on their iPhones, that's not so bad.

Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare.

Thursday was the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah and the first day of the NFL season. In other words, a lot of NFL players had to start the season without their lawyers.

Obama has been saying all week that he will seek congressional approval for the strike but he insists he doesn’t really need it. When asked by the media if he was sending mixed messages, the president said, "Yes and no."

Obama says the lack of response to Syria so far does not threaten his credibility. And you know something, he's right. The economy, Benghazi, the spying scandal — that threatens his credibility, but this other stuff, no.

Former President Bill Clinton is traveling the country holding town hall meetings where he explains Obamacare. After that he will explain twerking.

The new cast of "Dancing With the Stars" has been announced. As is the custom, Obama introduced the new cast at a press conference on the White House lawn.

This Date In History: 1901; President William McKinley was shot by anarchist Leon Czolgosz at the Pan American Exposition in Buffalo, New York. McKinley died on September 14th. 1941; Nazi Germany required all Jews over the age of six to wear a yellow Star of David on their clothes.

1995; Baseball player Cal Ripken, Jr., broke Lou Gehrig's iron man record by playing in his 2,131st straight game. 1997; More than 2 billion people watched Princess Diana's funeral on TV.

1998; Japanese movie director Akira Kurosawa died in Tokyo at age 88. 2007; Italian operatic tenor Luciano Pavarotti died at age 71.

Picture Of The Day: Under the water today.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My grandma keeps talking about her monthly checks, prescription drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she's a rapper. 2) So many Jehovah's Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah's Evidence. 3) Hey!.... Geese crossing the road!.... You can fly!....... 4) Christian Mingle: Find God's match for you. Because the Lord works in mysterious ways and I'm positive that setting up a website for his people to hook up is a top priority. 5) A cute bank teller told me she wanted to make love to me in the vault. She's kinky, but at least she's into safe sex......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 6th: The stars are pretty much describing a situation where a self-prescribed course of celibacy may help you regain the confidence that is lacking in your love life. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time you find yours, all the good shapes and sizes will have gone.

Birthdays: Marquis de Lafayette, French general and political leader 1757, John Dalton scientist 1766, Catherine Beecher educator 1800, Jane Addams social worker 1860, Joseph P. Kennedy financier 1888, Claire Lee Chennault general 1890, Jane Curtin actress 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. We even called up the lady next door and she tried too, with both hands, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. He asked, "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the damned jar open."

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." The boy replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race today."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Bobby and Linda from Washington State for their contributions to today's stories.

A guy is walking along a sandy southern beach when he comes across a brass lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it the proverbial rub. A genie springs forth in a cloud and tells him, "You have been granted one wish. Not three. That's a myth. One is all you get, so make it count."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever." The genie says, "Sorry, I'm not allowed to grant eternal life." The guy says, "OK, then, I want to die right after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt." The genie says, "You're a crafty bastard, aren't you."

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation But I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll screw her again!'

That's it for today, my little water lilies. Remember, dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots and lisp. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !