I knew Tiger Woods Used His Putter A Lot, But I Had No Idea...

Talk about your major snafu, Tiger Woods must feel like a one legged Indian in an ass kicking contest. Women are coming out of the woodwork with stories about their extra-marital affairs with him. Woods, typically, likes his women like his golf balls - white and with dimples. Word has it that his wife no longer refers to him as "Tiger." Now, she calls him "Cheetah."

While no one has ever accused Woods of being a Rhodes Scholar, I though he would at least be smart enough to conduct his business intelligently, especially if he was going to make an occasional off-course side trip. Of course, when you're worth one billion dollars. it must make it a little easier to satisfy (read pay) the women in your life. And pay he will....

Authors Note: This is the actual cover of January's Golf Digest. Obviously, it was published before the feces hit the oscillator (that's "the shit hit the fan" for the hard of understanding).

Not only has Woods issued a public apology on his web site, but the The Daily Beast reports that he will pay his wife, Elin Nordegren, $5 million upfront and another $55 million to persuade her to stay in their marriage for another 24 months.

Like many couples with tens of millions of dollars in their bank accounts, Woods and Nordegren have a prenuptial agreement. The pre-nuptial agreement they signed in October 2004 would award Nordegren $20 million just for sticking with Woods for 10 years. But now that allegations of affairs with two women -- Jaimee Grubbs and Rachel Uchitel-- are making headlines, it looks like that contract is being tossed out the window and the couple are negotiating new, more lucrative terms for Nordegren.

For now, all of his sponsors are sticking with him. Sponsorship deals with Nike, Accenture, AT&T, Gatorade, and Procter & Gamble's Gillette pay him at least $100 million a year The jury is still out on whether they would view a serial adulterer as a good image for their products and services over the longer term.

The News As I See It: President Obozo's speech at West Point was not well received by the media. He was going to give it at the White House, but he wanted some place with better security. Right in the middle of Obie's speech, they cut to a cadet who was sleeping. That cadet was immediately assigned to work security at the next White House state dinner.

The Tiger Woods story has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier this week, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs. Chelsea Clinton will marry her longtime boyfriend, investment banker Marc Mezvinsky. She must really love him, because Chelsea Mezvinsky doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.

Twilight Moms and Grandmoms now number more than 28,000. It seems as if Kellan Lutz, the actor who plays Emmett Cullen has been a magnet for young and older female fans, alike. He revealed, "It has been strange, not because of the attention, which is of course flattering, but because of the age ranges. It's from young teenagers all the way to their 40-year-old mothers!

This Date In History: 1783; George Washington delivered his farewell address to his officers at Fraunces Tavern in New York City. 1816; James Monroe of Virginia was elected (by electors) the fifth president of the United States. 1875; William Marcy "Boss" Tweed of New York's Tammany Hall escaped from jail and fled the country. 1945; The Senate approved U.S. participation in the United Nations.

1978; Dianne Feinstein became San Francisco's first female mayor. 1991; Associated Press correspondent Terry Anderson is released after seven years as a hostage in Lebanon. 1993; Rock musician and composer Frank Zappa died at age 52. 2003; Interpol put the former president of Liberia, Charles Taylor, on its most-wanted list.

Picture Of The Day: Forgive me, but I just can't resist showing you all of the new photoshop pictures of Tiger Woods.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The difference between a Cadillac Escalade and a golf ball is that Tiger Woods can’t drive an Escalade 300 yards. 2) When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know the number of months. "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese and I didn't really care in the first place. 3) Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back! 4) If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you 5) There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Johnnie Walker Black scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water....and that's five !

Birthdays: Lillian Russell, soprano 1861, Edith Cavell, nurse 1861, Rainer Maria Rilke, poet 1875, Francisco Franco, Spanish general and leader 1892, Dennis Wilson, pop musician 1944, Jeff Bridges, actor 1949, Tyra Banks, model 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two Louisiana men walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the men looks at her and says, "Can ya swallow?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Can ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The man walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the man walks slowly back to his table. His buddy says, 'Ya know, I've heard of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver" but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"

A porpoise trainer discovered that feeding seagulls to his porpoises will make them live forever. He went for a walk along the beach and grabbed two seagulls and brought them to the porpoises. As he arrived, he saw, sound asleep in his doorway, an old stodgy lion.

He had to step across the lion, carrying the seagulls to feed to the porpoises so that they could live forever. As he did, police surrounded and arrested him. Of course the charge was transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

So, Sy Syms has died. The obituary said he was 83. In five days, he’ll be 77. In two weeks, he'll be 65. Then, in a month, he will be marked final at 59.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal, Linda from Washington, for her contribution to today's stories.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?". Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico."

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! The reason you don't talk to people for 25 years is because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days. He's mowing my lawn.

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

That's it for today my little golf carts. Remember, a fool and his money can throw one hell of a party. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and I might stay longer if there are any Twilight Moms on the prowl. Have a great weekend and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Looks Like She's Got A Tiger By The Tail

Another one of life's pieces of shit assassinated four innocent Lakewood, Washington Police officers as they sat working on their laptops in a coffee shop. One of those officers fought with the gunman and may have wounded him before the officer died just outside the doorway.

Police are searching for 37 year old Maurice Clemmons, a "person of interest" with an extensive criminal past and whose 95-year prison sentence was commuted in Arkansas by then-governor Mike Huckabee nearly a decade ago. Hopefully, with a little bit of luck, they'll kill the son-of-a-bitch before he gets to court!

The News As I See It: Tiger Woods' injuries in his Friday 2:00 am car crash were caused by his wife, not the accident, according to TMZ.com. Woods' wife confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman. According to reports, things got heated up and Wood's face was scratched by his wife.

Wood's beat a hasty retreated followed by his wife who was wielding a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club. Woods became "distracted," thought the vehicle was stopped, and looked to see what had happened. At that point the SUV hit the fire hydrant and then hit a tree. Funny, in golf, I always thought that making a hole-in-one was pretty good feat, but evidently not when it belongs to another woman.

Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the celebrity wannabees who crashed the Whitehouse gala for Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Tuesday, may (and should) face criminal charges for their actions. Now asking six-figure dollars for interviews, their actions are not funny and could have been catastrophic should they have been part of a conspiracy to assassinate President Obama.

Tareq Salahi is the son of a Muslim born in Palestine, just like the Fort Hood Shooter, Major Nidal Hasan. Salahi is a board member of the American Task Force on Palestine (ATFP), a pro-Palestine lobby demanding the "right of return" for all Palestinian refugees and their descendants. Since the party crashing incident, ATFP has removed Tareq Salahi from its website's board of directors page.

This is just another good reason for America to quit worrying about being politically correct and profile any and all persons deemed to be a threat to America and its' citizens!

And finally, after watching the news video of habitual war protester Cindy Sheehan in California this weekend, I have a come to the conclusion that she is a complete asshole.

This Date In History: 1804; Supreme Court Justice Samuel Chase was tried for political bias. 1900; Irish author Oscar Wilde died in Paris at age 46. 1940; Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz were married. 1966; Barbados became independent of Great Britain.

1974; The fossilized remains of a female human ancestor named Lucy (after the Beatles song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds) were found in Ethiopia. 1993; The Brady Bill, requiring a five-day waiting period for handgun purchases, is signed.

1995; President Bill Clinton became the first U.S. president to visit Northern Ireland. 2004; Ken Jennings ended his 74-game winning spree on the game show, Jeopardy!

Picture Of The Day: You know you're wildly successful and popular when the photoshop gang has your pictures floating all over the Internet less than an hour after you screw up. Tiger Woods' latest incident has the media drooling at the mouth and I have to admit that it strikes me quite funny as well.

I don't know about women, but there's not a man walking among us that has not had some sort of incident or mishap after a tiff with a woman. I don't think it's as big of a deal as the media is paints it, but when you're Tiger Woods, even a bowel movement is news. The only unfortunate thing about gossip is that it sometimes overshadows more important and newsworthy occurrences.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. 2) One of the good things about experience is that it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 3) Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 4) I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and the ice really chilled the mood. 5) The one thing that White and Black people know, but Spanish people don't, is that chicken is food, not a roommate.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Jonathan Swift author 1667, Mark Twain writer, social observer 1835, Winston Churchill, British Statesman, Soldier, and Author 1874, L. M. Montgomery novelist 1874, Gordon Parks photographer, filmmaker, writer 1912, Shirley Chisholm congresswoman 1924, Dick Clark TV personality 1929, Ridley Scott filmmaker 1937, David Mamet playwright 1947, Ben Stiller actor, director, comic 1965, Elisha Cuthbert actor 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

I think the death panels are back. My grandma needed a mobility scooter, and Medicare offered her an electric chair.

The state dinner at the White House honored the prime minister of India, and the menu was vegetarian. How do you like that for Thanksgiving? No turkey, wrong Indians.

Stop screwing with old people! Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is now the bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter and hires a caterer, a band, and a clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time, but the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.

She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I don't know. Let me ask him. "Hey Willie! Would you chop off another toe for $50?"

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100, she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. He pleads, "Go get help." She says, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that shoe and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" A drunk sitting nearby looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, "I think it's too late, lady, he's too far in."

That's it for today my little kiddie cats. Remember, If your wondering how to tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine, it's the one with bite marks on the cap! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !