Cyber Mundane

Today is the big Cyber Monday sale across America, so I camped out in front of my computer for one of those hot deals. Of course, I forgot that today is also Cyber Sex Monday, so it got a bit awkward.

It was even worse for Uncle Larry who was trying to juggle Cyber Monday, Cyber Sex Monday and Fiber Monday. Ol' Larry needs to buy a new computer monitor and glasses because of his activities on Cyber Sex Mondays. Larry was almost finished purchasing his glasses when the Fiber kicked in. Uncle Larry didn't know whether to shit or go blind.

The good thing about Cyber Monday is that nobody has ever been robbed, trampled or tasered while shopping online. You car uses hardly any gas and a fine lunch is served promptly without any chance of food poisoning.....

The News As I See It: According to insiders, the White House hired a consulting firm that told them the Obamacare website wasn't ready. But the White House went ahead. The White House made this mistake because they don't know how to open their email.

Obama's wrestling with the healthcare rollout debacle. He urged Americans not to be put off by the Obamacare website and offered alternative ways to enroll, such as using the mail. Then the president got on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town.

They really bungled the Obamacare rollout. It just wasn't ready. The only good news out of Obamacare is that it's nice to know somebody knows less about computers than I do.

A growing number of women are joining the CIA. The CIA is now 46 percent women. Which explains that new method of torture: the silent treatment.

In New York City, they have a new mayor, Bill de Blasio. He's 6 feet, 7 inches tall and his wife is a former lesbian. She's a former lesbian although she can be called back to active duty on a moment's notice. The new mayor is not to be confused with current Mayor Bloomberg, the outgoing mayor. He's a former leprechaun.

This Date In History: 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned emperor of France in Paris by Pope Pius VII. 1823; President James Monroe outlined his famous doctrine opposing European expansion in the Western Hemisphere. 1859; Abolitionist John Brown was hanged for his raid on Harper's Ferry.

1942; The first controlled nuclear chain reaction was demonstrated at the University of Chicago. 1954; The Senate voted to condemn Republican senator Joseph R. McCarthy of Wisconsin for "conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute."

1970; The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was established. 1982; Barney B. Clark became the first person to receive an artificial heart in a transplant operation. 1988; Benazir Bhutto was sworn in as the Prime Minister of Pakistan, becoming the first woman to head an Muslim nation.

1990; Composer Aaron Copland died at age 90. 1999; A Protestant and Catholic cabinet convened for the first time in Northern Ireland. 2001; Enron Corp., under CEO Kenneth Lay, filed for bankruptcy.

Picture Of The Day: Like an old pick-up line or refried beans, the phrase just keeps coming up.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There's an awesome new machine at the gym. Its got Snickers, Skittles…everything! 2) Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10th, you should be sent to a concentration camp. 3) My girlfriend asked if I was going to take out the trash. I told her I didn't know her mother needed a ride home. Most of the bleeding has stopped now. 4) I don't know the full history of the US and Canada but somehow we ended up with joint custody of the geese. 5) I don't normally go to the bathroom with the door open, but I didn't want to miss the in flight movie.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 2nd: This week may cause some problems for you as some of your secrets are shared across the Internet. Don't be overly concerned though as most of the pictures didn't upload correctly and are now posted on an obscure site called Larry's Leftovers.

Birthdays: Peter Carl Goldmark, inventor and engineer 1906, Maria Callas, soprano 1923, Alexander Haig, attorney general 1924, Julie Harris, actress 1925, Gianni Versace, fashion designer 1946, Lucy Liu, actress, model 1968, Monica Seles, tennis player 1973, Nelly Furtado, singer 1978, Britney Spears, pop singer 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. She says, "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in."

Granny continued, "Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

The grandson responded, "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? His grandmother replied, "What? You're coming empty handed?"

This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohamed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action is taken against Syria, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's only supply of convenience store managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Visa and Bell customer service representatives. It's getting ugly.....
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: It's OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, Blacks, the Polish, the Chinese the French, but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims. The sooner we are all on the same level playing field, the better.

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your ass with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide, You may be a Muslim.
6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.

That's it for today, my little cyber shoppers. A suggestion for Milk of Magnesia manufacturers  Please add: '"Don't trust a fart" to your side effects label.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Cyber Mundane !

Today is Cyber Monday, immediately followed by "Identity Theft Tuesday." It's just a gimmick, but look it this way. At least you avoid Black Friday's dressing room problems. You won't hear the person in the next booth say, "Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!" Another good thing is you don't need pepper spray.

A lot of my friends are doing their shopping today. My friend said if he didn’t buy his kids a new Playstation to use as a baby sitter, he couldn’t go to happy hour every night. Another good thing about shopping online is that it's easier to shove an old lady out of the way at Walmart to grab a $2 waffle iron deal.

As for me, I hate all forms of shopping, but when push comes to shove, I'd rather shop online. The good thing is that whatever I needed to buy was purchased months ago, so now I just sit back and enjoy the melees and scuffles.

The News As I See It: China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn't tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Twilight movie.

A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk Obama into coming back and finishing his term.

This Date In History: 1520; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan passed through the strait which bears his name to the Pacific ocean. 1919; American-born Lady Astor became the first woman to take a seat on the British Parliament. 1942; Almost 500 people died in the Coconut Grove nightclub fire in Boston.

1943; Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin met in Tehran for their first meeting during World War II. 1964; The U.S. spacecraft Mariner 4 launched—on its way to the first successful mission to Mars. 1990; Margaret Thatcher resigned as prime minister of Great Britain; John Major took over.

Picture Of The Day: The pizza guy had the right idea. What a weekend.... Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Cyber Monday and tomorrow....Identity Theft Tuesday.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend bought a new phone on Black Friday. He took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall and pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown. 2) I'm looking forward to the Daytona 500 mile race in February and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast. 3) My cousin used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. 4) Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories. 5) I changed the message on my answering sevice. It says, "I'm not available right now, but thank you for calling. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes....."and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 28th: If you didn't spend all of your money on Black Friday, then today's Cyber Monday sale may be that day to purchase a little something for yourself. Of course, remember to save a few shekels to send to my charity, "Send Jimmy To Las Vegas." Donations are running a bit slowly but "tis the season." Chance of romance is 30 percent, with partly clouded skies.

Birthdays: John Bunyan, author 1628, Friedrich Engels, socialist 1820, Anton Rubinstein, pianist, composer 1829, John Wesley Hyatt, inventor 1837, Henry Bacon, architect 1866, Berry Gordy, Jr., record company founder and executive 1929, Randy Newman, singer, composer 1943, Ed Harris, actor 1950, Jon Stewart, TV personality 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A old man went into the job center in downtown Denver and saw a sign advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and said, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist."

The clerk continued, "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions. Then you apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, rubbing in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

The old man said, "Good grief....is that where the job is?" The clerk said, "No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

It was a slow afternoon at the pharmacy when Anthony, the pharmacist, saw a young, buxom blonde walk into the drugstore. The beautiful blonde sashayed up to the counter and asked Anthony, "Do you sell extra large condoms?"The pharmacist replied, "Yes ma'am, we do. Would you like to buy some?"

The blonde responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Cajun Mawhoney and Garnett for their contributions to today's stories.

Two Mexicans drug runners are stuck in the desert after illegally crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says, "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." Pepe says, "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

Luis says, "Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!" Pepe says, "Luis, maybe eet ees a meerage? We ees een the desert don't forget." Luis answers, "Pepe, seens when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smells like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" Pepe says, "Luis mi amigo, what ees it?" Luis sas, "Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush."

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?’"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress." That ended the interview.....

A man is getting on a flight and he hears that the Pope is on the flight. He thinks, "What a good place to be today." So he is boarding and he doesn't see the Pope and figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong. He takes his seat and is thankful that there is an empty next to him. Just before the flight closes on walks the Pope and sits next to him.

The man figures he is surely blessed, a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me. So the plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts and the man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag and takes out a crossword book.

Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help. Well the flight continues and the Pope is working his way through the puzzle and the man notices that the Pope is tapping his pencil thinking.

The Pope turns to him and asks "I usually don't talk to others on flights but I wonder if you can help me."The man says, "Anything your eminence. What is it?" The Pope says, "Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says "The only word I can think of is aunt." The pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

That's it for today my little whipper snappers. Remember, a married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Looks Like She's Got A Tiger By The Tail

Another one of life's pieces of shit assassinated four innocent Lakewood, Washington Police officers as they sat working on their laptops in a coffee shop. One of those officers fought with the gunman and may have wounded him before the officer died just outside the doorway.

Police are searching for 37 year old Maurice Clemmons, a "person of interest" with an extensive criminal past and whose 95-year prison sentence was commuted in Arkansas by then-governor Mike Huckabee nearly a decade ago. Hopefully, with a little bit of luck, they'll kill the son-of-a-bitch before he gets to court!

The News As I See It: Tiger Woods' injuries in his Friday 2:00 am car crash were caused by his wife, not the accident, according to TMZ.com. Woods' wife confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman. According to reports, things got heated up and Wood's face was scratched by his wife.

Wood's beat a hasty retreated followed by his wife who was wielding a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club. Woods became "distracted," thought the vehicle was stopped, and looked to see what had happened. At that point the SUV hit the fire hydrant and then hit a tree. Funny, in golf, I always thought that making a hole-in-one was pretty good feat, but evidently not when it belongs to another woman.

Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the celebrity wannabees who crashed the Whitehouse gala for Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Tuesday, may (and should) face criminal charges for their actions. Now asking six-figure dollars for interviews, their actions are not funny and could have been catastrophic should they have been part of a conspiracy to assassinate President Obama.

Tareq Salahi is the son of a Muslim born in Palestine, just like the Fort Hood Shooter, Major Nidal Hasan. Salahi is a board member of the American Task Force on Palestine (ATFP), a pro-Palestine lobby demanding the "right of return" for all Palestinian refugees and their descendants. Since the party crashing incident, ATFP has removed Tareq Salahi from its website's board of directors page.

This is just another good reason for America to quit worrying about being politically correct and profile any and all persons deemed to be a threat to America and its' citizens!

And finally, after watching the news video of habitual war protester Cindy Sheehan in California this weekend, I have a come to the conclusion that she is a complete asshole.

This Date In History: 1804; Supreme Court Justice Samuel Chase was tried for political bias. 1900; Irish author Oscar Wilde died in Paris at age 46. 1940; Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz were married. 1966; Barbados became independent of Great Britain.

1974; The fossilized remains of a female human ancestor named Lucy (after the Beatles song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds) were found in Ethiopia. 1993; The Brady Bill, requiring a five-day waiting period for handgun purchases, is signed.

1995; President Bill Clinton became the first U.S. president to visit Northern Ireland. 2004; Ken Jennings ended his 74-game winning spree on the game show, Jeopardy!

Picture Of The Day: You know you're wildly successful and popular when the photoshop gang has your pictures floating all over the Internet less than an hour after you screw up. Tiger Woods' latest incident has the media drooling at the mouth and I have to admit that it strikes me quite funny as well.

I don't know about women, but there's not a man walking among us that has not had some sort of incident or mishap after a tiff with a woman. I don't think it's as big of a deal as the media is paints it, but when you're Tiger Woods, even a bowel movement is news. The only unfortunate thing about gossip is that it sometimes overshadows more important and newsworthy occurrences.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. 2) One of the good things about experience is that it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 3) Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 4) I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and the ice really chilled the mood. 5) The one thing that White and Black people know, but Spanish people don't, is that chicken is food, not a roommate.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Jonathan Swift author 1667, Mark Twain writer, social observer 1835, Winston Churchill, British Statesman, Soldier, and Author 1874, L. M. Montgomery novelist 1874, Gordon Parks photographer, filmmaker, writer 1912, Shirley Chisholm congresswoman 1924, Dick Clark TV personality 1929, Ridley Scott filmmaker 1937, David Mamet playwright 1947, Ben Stiller actor, director, comic 1965, Elisha Cuthbert actor 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

I think the death panels are back. My grandma needed a mobility scooter, and Medicare offered her an electric chair.

The state dinner at the White House honored the prime minister of India, and the menu was vegetarian. How do you like that for Thanksgiving? No turkey, wrong Indians.

Stop screwing with old people! Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is now the bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter and hires a caterer, a band, and a clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time, but the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.

She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I don't know. Let me ask him. "Hey Willie! Would you chop off another toe for $50?"

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100, she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. He pleads, "Go get help." She says, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that shoe and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" A drunk sitting nearby looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, "I think it's too late, lady, he's too far in."

That's it for today my little kiddie cats. Remember, If your wondering how to tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine, it's the one with bite marks on the cap! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !