Good Sitcoms Are Hard To Find

There are some sit-coms that I really enjoy and that make me laugh. Although most of the today's television comedy are mindless drivel, often relying on poorly written script, sight gags and slapstick, there are a few shows that are well written and well casted. These are usually the shows that run for years and then go to syndication.

Probably one of the best shows to ever hit television was M*A*S*H. One of the pioneer shows in continuous humor, it was the type of show that you can watch over and over and still not really absorb all of the jokes. This, of course, makes it a prime candidate for syndication and has been done so successfully. Born from the hit movie of the same name, the only character to successfully transition from the silver screen to television was Gary Burghoff, who played the inimitable "Radar O'Reilly".

The Honeymooners is another classic comedy show that was very successful. Jackie Gleason and Art Carney's routines continue to live on in syndication and some of the classic "takes' by both comedians are legendary. Gleason, in particular, was well known for his diatribe, "One of these days, Alice.... Pow! Right in the kisser" or "to the moon Alice, to the moon!" Art Carney, who played sewer worker "Ed Norton' was famous for his drawn out, compulsive hand and arm manipulations before undertaking any task. This was usually followed by a swat from "Ralph Kramden" and the classic line, "Would you get on with it!"

One of my favorite shows during its original run and again in syndication is Seinfeld. The ensemble of excellent characters and actors is always a delight and some of the shows have become classic. My favorite of the ensemble is "Kramer", whose moves have become classic. It's also fun to watch "George" and his continuous schemes. All of the players in this sit-com seem to fit the show perfectly and there is quite a bit of tongue-in-cheek humor which I especially enjoy.

Two and a Half Men is one of the current sit-coms that is destined for fame and syndication. Charlie Sheen is cast perfectly in this sit-com and the supporting cast is excellent. Once again, the casting is good and all of the players fit well into their roles. The writing on the show is great and the show continues to win awards.The idea for today's post was spawned while watching an episode of Seinfeld yesterday. Although I speak of good sit-com scripts, actors and their roles, I must admit that the episode that made me laugh was about flatulence, i.e., the fart. I don't know exactly why that makes me laugh, but it does. In yesterday's episode, Kramer is using a friend's horse and carriage to make a little money by taxiing people around Central Park. The scene is at night, in the dead of winter and Kramer has been hired by George to ferry girlfriend Susan's parents around the park.

Kramer, who had previously purchased food in bulk from the local warehouse club, has fed the horse a spicy food that he over purchased, While escorting Susan' parents around the park, the camera pans from the horse's head to Kramer and then to the rear end of the horse's tail which lifts slightly. The next shot is Kramer, whose nose turns up a bit and his face portrays the information his nose has delivered to his brain.

The following picture is that of Susan's parents, whose noses have also sent urgent messages to their brains. The camera then flips back and forth between Kramer and Susan's parents, with each facial expression becoming more and more agonizingly contorted. The scene finally ends as the parents demand that Kramer return them to their apartment.

Anyone who has inadvertently stumbled into an enclosed area that has been "contaminated" obviously can imagine the faces on the actors in the horse and carriage scene. Although elevators come to mind as the most largest entrapment imaginable, gaseous people crowded into cars, subways or trains are probably just as deadly.

Personally, in most social situations, and especially while dating, I always made it a point to associate with women who have dogs. It is just so easy to blame everything on the dog. This reminds me of the story of the young fellow who abused that particular excuse. While sitting on a front porch swing, the lad felt nature's gentle urging and release a SBD (silent but deadly).

His lady friend quickly admonished the dog and said, "Spot, get out from under the swing." The young man was relieved that his lady friend had blamed the dog, but soon thereafter, he once again felt the urge and release another SBD, this one much deadlier than the first. This time, the the young lady said, "Spot get out from underneath the damned swing before he shits all over you."

Friday's mean party time and AREA 51 is good place to hang out and chill. There's not many swings or dogs to blame there, so, as Larry the Cable Guy says, it's a great place to employ the "walking farts."

This Date In History: 1256; Pope Alexander IV organizes Italian hermits independently following the rule of Saint Augustine into a single order, the Augustinian Hermits. 1787; Pennsylvania becomes the second state of the United States of America.

1901; Gugliemo Marconi sends the first radio signal across the Atlantic Ocean, proving that radio ranges are not limited by the Earth’s curvature. 1963; Kenya gains its independence from Britain. 1989; The United Nations adopts the Convention on the Rights of the Child.

Picture Of The Day: The great Jackie Gleason along with sidekick Art Carney was an oasis of excellent comedy in the days of black and white television. Although the show only ran for a short period of time, the episodes have continued to play over and over again in syndication. Most of the episodes are considered classic and sit-com of today owes a debt of gratitude in part to the antics of the cast of The Honeymooners.

Birthdays; Erasmus Darwin, doctor, inventor, and poet 1731, Gustave Flaubert, French novelist 1821, Edvard Munch, Norwegian artist 1863, Edward G. Robinson, American actor 1893, Frank Sinatra, American singer and actor 1915.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with, " Silent Night, Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

That's it for today my little turtle doves. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

It's Politics As Usual In Illinois

Politics and the office of Governor of the state of Illinois can evidently be quite lucrative unless you're a complete moron. The latest case of corruption came into focus yesterday as Democratic Gov. Rod Blagojevich and his chief of staff, John Harris, were charged with conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud and solicitation of bribery.

According to the affidavit outlining some of the charges against the Blagojevich and Harris, "G-Rod", in taped phone conversations, conspired to trade the Senate seat left vacant by President-elect Barack Obama in exchange for positions that Obama has the power to appoint, namely the secretary of health and human services post. The taped conversations, much of which was filled with expletives, detailed G-Rod's plans to sell the the vacant seat to the highest bidder.

Illinois has had three of the last seven governors go to prison and from the early indications, Blagojevich may soon join that list. It is too early to see how far reaching this investigation will spread, but it will be very interesting to see who the mysterious candidate #5 is as he or she purportedly offered $500,000, through a third party, for the position.

Congressmen Jesse Jackson Jr., and Danny Davis are candidates who were supposedly being considered for the vacant seat. Authors Note: Fox News has reported that Rep. Jesse Jackson is, in fact, candidate #5. Jackson's attorney, James Montgomery, confirmed same in a news conference this afternoon.

Valerie Jarrett, Barack Obama' choice for the vacant senate seat, suddenly withdrew her candidacy for the position. Whether or not the Obama camp had advanced warning of the impending indictments remained to be seen. Obama has distanced himself from Governor Blagojevich.

Federal authorities also allege the Blagojevich and Harris schemed with others -- including convicted real estate developer Antoin "Tony" Rezko -- to obtain financial benefits for himself, his family and others, including his campaign committee, Friends of Blagojevich. Rezko has also been associated with president-elect Barack Obama in a questionable real estate transaction.

It's Hump Day and a welcome day of the week. It's a good day to head over to AREA 51 and see what the denizens think of the news of the week. With the Illinois governor's scandal and the Congress seemingly ready to give the big three auto comapnies a partial bailout, the conversations should be lively.

This Date In History: 1869; The territory of Wyoming becomes the first area of what is now the United States of America to give women the vote.1898; The Treaty of Paris is signed, ending the Spanish-American War and granting the United States its first overseas empire. 1901; On the anniversary of the death of Alfred Nobel the first Nobel Prizes are awarded, the funds for which were provided by Nobel’s will.

1948: The United Nations adopts the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, marking the birth of the modern human rights movement. 1967; Otis Redding, one of the most important figures in the development of soul music, is killed in a plane crash.

Picture Of The Day: I found another O.J. Simpson photo and I just had to run it. Payback's a bitch! The featured picture is Illinois governor "G-Rod" who is also known as "Blago", These names were given to him by the media mostly due to the fact that half of the idiots were unable to pronounce his name.

Birthdays: César Auguste Franck, Belgian-born French composer and organist 1822, Emily Dickinson, major American poet 1830, Melvil Dewey, American librarian and educator 1851, E. H. Shepard, artist and illustrator 1879, Harold Alexander, field marshal 1891, Olivier Messiaen, French composer and organist 1908, Morton Gould, American composer and conductor 1913.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it. God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live.

She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she’s got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and asks, “I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?” To which God replies, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t recognize you.”

Three masked me enter a bank, produce weapons and order everyone to lie face down. As the robbers gather their loot, they advise the bank patrons not to look at their faces or they will shoot them.

As they make their escape, one of the robbers turns to the patrons and asks, "Did anyone look at our faces?" An Irishman in the rear of the bank yells out, "I think me wife took a peek."

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing Home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

Mr. Wallace said, "Nurse Tracy, I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." Nurse Tracy replied, " Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" Mr. Wallace said, "Well, today's the viewing."

That's it for today my little Christmas elves. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Thoughts Of Pearl Harbor And John Lennon

This weekend had two dates which shall remain memorable for years to come. First and foremost was the Japanese surprise attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. Many soldiers and sailors were injured or lost their lives during this attack which prompted the United States to declare war on Japan the following day.

On December 8, 1980, John Lennon was murdered outside his New York apartment by Mark David Chapman. Chapman shot Lennon in the back four times after Lennon had previously autographed an album for him.

It is violent acts like these that make one wonder how society can put up with misfits like Chapman and in the case of Pearl Harbor, the surprise attack was answered by the Unites States in 1945 when atomic bombs were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Japan.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award had two nominees last week. Gary nominated Mark E. Dash for killing a puppy by kicking it down a flight of stairs. Garnett nominated Crystel P. Keith, the foster mother of Christopher L. Thomas Jr. Keith was charged with beating the 13 month old to death and torturing his two year old sister, who remains hospitalized. There wasn't much thinking necessary for these two dirtbags and both are awarded the CAT Award.

This Date In History: 1644, Queen Christina assumes full royal power as the ruler of Sweden at the age of 18. 1914, At the Battle of the Falkland Islands, in World War I, four German cruisers are sunk by the Royal Navy in a decisive naval victory for Britain. 1941, The day after Japanese attacks on Hong Kong and Pearl Harbor, Britain, Australia, and the United States declare war on Japan.

1980, Former Beatle John Lennon is murdered outside his apartment in New York by a crazed fan. 1987, At a summit meeting in Washington, D.C., President Ronald Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev sign the first treaty to reduce the nuclear arsenals of both countries.

Picture Of The Day: The Pearl Harbor Memorial rests atop the sunken USS Arizona as a tribute and a grim reminder of that fateful day. It is a reminder of what can happen when America is not prepared for any aggression from any country.

Birthdays: Eli Whitney, American inventor 1765, Jean Sibelius, Finnish composer 1865, James Thurber, American cartoonist and author 1894, Lucian Freud, painter 1922, Sammy Davis, Jr., American singer, actor, and comedian 1925, James Galway, flautist 1939.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A woman found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was excessive hair in its ears. The vet cleaned both ears and the dog was able to hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair: hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

The lady went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist said. "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

That's it for today my little rain dears. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

What Happens In Vegas, Serves Time In Vegas

Today is shaping up nicely as there has been several stories with outcomes that please me. In Las Vegas, Nevada, O.J. Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison with at least six years to be served before the possibility of parole. The parents of Ron Goldman as well as Nicole Simpson's sisters were in the courtroom at the time of decision. The case is expected to be appealed and Simpson's attorney asked for bail while awaiting the appeal, but it was denied by the judge.

A Danish warship captured a Somali pirateship that floundered in the Indian Ocean off the coast of Somalia, They captured the pirates, disarmed them of weapons (inluding grenade launchers) and sunk the ship. The only error that they made was not sinking the pirate vessel with the Somali bastards on board.

Friday has arrived and I'm going to mosey over to AREA 51 and see my pals. Actually, I started "moseying" last night when I received a phone call from my pal Emilio to go to an impromptu poker game with some friends up in Weston. We played there until around 11:30 p.m. and then we went to the cigar club and played poker there until sometime this morning. I have no idea where I'm going this evening, but that's par for the course with me.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award has one nominee from Gary, author of Old Woody's Boomer Page. He nominated Marc E. Dash, of DeKalb Street, Town of Tonawanda, New York, who was charged by police with aggravated cruelty to animals, a felony, following the death of the Shih Tzu puppy named Grace. Dash admitted kicking the dog down the stairs, police reports quoted him as saying, because “. . . it was eyeballing me, you know, looking at me like it didn’t like me.”

Dash told police he stuffed the puppy into a duffel bag and hid it in the trunk of his car. When his girlfriend returned home to her Kenview Avenue apartment, Dash told her the dog had run away. As the girlfriend searched the neighborhood for the dog, a neighbor told her that Dash had been acting suspiciously, removing a duffel bag from his car and then returning to put the duffel in his trunk. The dog’s owner then discovered the puppy in the trunk of her boyfriend’s car. She took the dog into her apartment, but the dog was dead.

Nominations are open for the CAT Award until Monday at noon and can be made by anyone wishing to do so.

This Date In History: 1791; Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, one of the most inspired composers in the Western musical tradition, dies in Vienna aged 35. 1872; The American brigantine Mary Celeste is found drifting and abandoned in the Atlantic Ocean creating one of the greatest mysteries of all time.1933; The 21st Amendment to the Constitution of the United States ends Prohibition.

1945; In one of the Bermuda Triangle’s most notorious cases, the five torpedo bombers of Flight 19 disappear after taking off from Fort Lauderdale, Florida. 1958; Britain’s first motorway, the M6 Preston bypass, is opened by Prime Minister Harold MacMillan.

Picture Of The Day: Words can't explain how satisfied I feel to see O. J. Simpson go to prison. This arrogant scumbag got away with murder and this time the crime wasn't in Los Angeles county where he was given his last free pass. Although his case is on appeal, it will take at least two years before his appeal will come up. Since bail was denied, he'll spend that time with the rest of the social rejects and street monkeys behind bars. Good luck with Bubba, O.J.

Birthdays: Martin Van Buren, eighth president of the United States 1782, George Custer, American soldier 1839, Otto Preminger, American producer, director, and actor 1906, Walt (Walter Elias) Disney, American animator and producer 1901, Little Richard, American rock-and-roll pianist and singer 1935, José Carreras, Spanish tenor 1946.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden in their Wyoming ranch. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

She asked,"Daddy,what are those two spiders doing?" Her father replied, "They're mating." The Little girl said, "What do you call the spider on top?" The father answered, "That's a Daddy Longlegs."

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?", the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment. Then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden".

One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.

When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sleigh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"

At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"

And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.

That's it for today my little sleigh belles. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Join Me For A Cocktail?

In a Florida elementary school yesterday a seven year old boy robbed a six year old boy at knife point. In another case on CNN, a mother caught her pre-teenage son smoking and later learned that he had also robbed a relative. In yet still another city, a young boy shot his father and another person to death.

It is news like this that makes me wonder why little Johnnie or Jill never got their asses whipped by their parents. I am tired of hearing young children screaming and yelling at their parents in public places. I constantly hear phrases such as "Johnnie, let's talk with our inside voices" or "Johnnie, If you do that one more time, you're getting a time out."

Time out? My dad didn't have that particular phrase in his vocabulary but he did have one called "I'm going to knock you out."

When I was a small boy my mother would take my brother Kirt, my sister Jeanne and myself to the department store. When we entered the store, I had to hold on to my mother's skirt with my left hand and my sister Jeanne's hand with the right hand. Sister Jeanne would then hold brother Kirt's hand with her other hand. It was quite the tandem and woe be unto the child who broke the chain. We knew not to ask for anything or make a scene.

We learned at an early age that the secret to good health were the words, "Yes sir, no sir, please and thank you." In school, when we misbehaved, we got a spanking. If you were lucky, they didn't give you a letter to take home to your parents which read that you had received a spanking and the reason for same. If you did get that dreaded letter (which had to be signed by both parents and returned to the teacher), that meant another spanking from your parents.

At parent-teachers meetings of today, there's always the parent who when told of little Johnnie's misbehavior in class, remarks, "I just don't know what to make of little Johnnie." Hey lady, how about an end table?!

The old adage of "spare the rod and spoil the child" has always rung true and until parents begin raising their children properly, there will continue to be stories like these in the headlines.

It's Hump Day and I'll be heading to AREA 51 for some rest and recreation with my pals. There's a chance I might go to a party tonight in southwest Miami, but I'm not really sure what time it starts. Either way, I'm heading somewhere. My pal Tania's in town so I might meet her later for cocktails. We'll see.

My cat, Shithead (Possum S. Hemmingway) has posted a rant on the dangerous drug, catnip entitled "Just Say No", so if you find the time, stop by his journal and check it out by clicking the link on my sidebar. http://pshemmingway.blogspot.com/

This Date In History: 1800; At the decisive Battle of Hohenlinden, during the French Revolutionary Wars, France defeats Austria. 1917; The Quebec Bridge, which spans the St Lawrence River, in Canada, and is the world's longest cantilever bridge, is officially opened. 1926; Mystery writer Agatha Christie disappears from her Surrey home and is missing for 11 days until discovered at a hotel in Harrogate under an assumed name and claiming no knowledge of her circumstances.

1967; South African surgeon Christiaan Barnard performs the first human heart transplant operation, although the patient, Louis Washkansky, will only survive for 18 days. 1984; In the worst industrial accident in history, a leak of deadly gasses from a pesticide plant owned by Union Carbide Corporation in Bhopal, India, kills thousands.

Picture Of The Day: You may have seen some of my posts withe the phrase or tag, "My Favorite Martini". It's is a term I use to say hello to one of my female friends whose name shall remain anonymous. The hot martini pictured is a cryptic hello to her and it definitely fits her well. Actually, mosts of my posts have blatant and cryptic hellos if you just read beteen the lines.

The blue martini at the top of the page was sent to me by my special pal, Anne and she's a sweetie-pie as well. I always like to post pictures of all of my special ladies' drinks. In the old AOL format, I usually did, but Blogspot's photo options are limited so I have to improvise.

Nevertheless, the drinks are on me ladies and without mentioning names, I'm pouring Johnnie Walker Red, Bloody Marys, Cosmopolitans, White Wine and a Dr. Pepper for each of you. You know who you are.

I'll also be serving a few more beverages which will remain nameless to protect the innocent. Guys, I didn't forget about you but it's an open bar and the beer's in the fridge. You know the routine.

Birthdays: Nicolò Amati, Italian violin maker 1596, Samuel Crompton, inventor of the spinning mule 1753, Gilbert Stuart, American portrait painter 1755, Sir Rowland Hill, originator of the penny postage system 1795, John von Neumann, Hungarian-born American mathematician 1903.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Christmas Carols For The Disturbed

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas.

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why.

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy... oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells........

That's it for today my little missile toes. It's late and I'm on my way to AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

"You Better Watch Out"

The Thanksgiving weekend has ended and the Christmas holidays begin with a bombardment of advertising from the television and print media and, of course, the daily barrage of junk mail from the U.S. Post Office. We will be hit with every scheme and email scam that every Nigerian can think of, not to mention our own home-grown scumbags.

One advertisement of late that drew my attention is not a scam at all, but an idea which, in fact, works rather efficiently. The thing that bothered me was the amount of money these charlatans are charging and the thought that somebody will actually purchase it. The item is called the "door guard" or something to that effect.

The idea is that both heat and cold escapes or enters a home that has doors which are not cut to fit properly (which in the construction of today is most of them). The answer is a few inches of cloth which run the length of the door that have a sewn rounded end on both sides which would allow the insertion of a closet pole on each end. Once the lengths of closet poles are inserted into the sewn pockets, the end view of the product would look like this " O__O ".

Once slipped under the bottom of the door, it would look like this "Ol__lO ". The product is efficient and would cost less than two dollars to produce. The advertisers, humanitarians that they are, are charging (you guessed it) $19.95 each, but if you call right now (and for the next two years or whenever they go out of business), they will send you two "door guards" for the same price.

Yep, the holidays are upon us, my friends, so keep your eyes and ears open for these and other types of schemes and scams of the season.

I did not go to AREA 51 on Friday, mostly due to the fact that some body parts were already begining to reject the notion of three days of partying and I had a quiet evening at home. This entire month will be one big party and it was probably best that I get into some semblance of shape for the upcoming fiestas.

It was announced today that we're in a recession and have been since December of 2007........ Duh !

This Date In History: 1135; Henry I dies, leaving Stephen of Blois able to claim the throne of England, throwing the nation into decades of civil war and anarchy. 1854; Miners on the Ballarat goldfields in Victoria rise up in the Eureka Rebellion demanding democratic rights, a key moment in the early history of Australia.

1935; Chiang Kai-shek is elected chairman of the Kuomintang Executive Council, thereby becoming virtual ruler of China. 1942; The Beveridge Report, the blueprint for Britain’s welfare state, is published. 1959; The Antarctic Treaty, designed to preserve the uninhabited continent of Antarctica for peaceful purposes, is signed by 12 nations.

Picture Of The Day There's something to say about snow angels and this is the time of year they often appear. I've emailed Santa Claus as to my Christmas wishes and he asked for an EKG printout before he considers my request.

Birthdays: Henry Williamson, novelist and nature writer 1895, Georgy Zhukov, Soviet military officer 1896, Woody Allen, American film director, actor, and writer 1935, Bette Midler, American actress and singer 1945.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

There will be no Nativity Scene in the United States Congress, this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

A son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father answers, "Well, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." The boy said, "Onions?" His father replied, "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

His infuriated wife said, "And how many kinds of 'willies' are there? A man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" asked the boy. "Yes," said the mother, "Dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

That's it for today my little candy canes. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

And Now A Week Of Turkey Sandwiches !

Although I said I probably wouldn't go out on Hump Day, I probably did! Oh yeah, I did! I really wasn't going to go out but, at the last minute, my partner in crime, Emilio, called and said there was a big poker game at the cigar club ( I think it's called the Havana Cigar Club, but I'm still not sure). Needless to say, We headed on over to the club and sure enough, a poker game broke out. I didn't play, mainly because there was a very lovely bartender all by herself and I didn't think it would be gentlemanly to leave her all alone (that's my story and I'm sticking to it).

Later in the evening, the bartender was busy serving drinks to the poker players, so I took a stroll over the Billiards Club (which, incidentally, is in the same shopping center as the cigar club) and what to my wondering eyes should appear but.....my sweet Nicole. Actually, I knew she was going to appear because I called her from the cigar club. About two hours later, Emilio called and was ready to go home, but I told him that I had found a ride home.

Thanksgiving day was definitely laid back and I ended up going up to Weston to party with some good friends. The host has a great music room, complete with drums, keyboards, guitars and a great p.a. system so we ended up jamming a lot. There's is also a baby grand piano in another room and I spent half the evening between the two music areas. I have no idea what time I finally got home, but I know I went to the party at 10:00 p.m., so take it from there.

So, today's Friday and I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. In theory, tonight's party night in AREA 51, but I'm not real sure if I have any gas left. Oh, my car's got plenty of gas, I'm just not real sure about the driver. I know I said the same thing on Wednesday, but you should know me by now. It's early yet, we'll see.

This Date In History: 1520; Ferdinand Magellan sails around South America from the Atlantic Ocean, reaching an ocean that he names “Pacific” (meaning “peaceful”) because of its calmness. 1893; The first women in the world ever to vote in a national election do so in New Zealand.1919; Nancy Astor becomes the first-ever woman to take a seat in the House of Commons as an MP.

1943; The Tehran Conference, during World War II, sees the so-called “Big Three” of Marshal Joseph Stalin, President Franklin Roosevelt, and Prime Minister Winston Churchill meet for the first time. 1990; Margaret Thatcher officially resigns as prime minister after more than 11 years in office, and is replaced by John Major.

Picture Of The Day There's just something about Autumn that I just can't resist. I like the nip in the air, the way the sunlight seems to shine a bit differently on the trees and the general feel of the coming winter season. I found a few more pictures which reflect those feelings and I wanted to share them with you.


Birthdays: Jean Baptiste Lully, Italian-born French composer 1632, William Blake, poet, painter, and engraver 1757, Friedrich Engels , German revolutionary political economist and co-founder, with Karl Marx, of scientific socialism, now known as Communism 1820, Sir Leslie Stephen, biographer, critic, and philosopher 1832, Randy Newman, American pop singer and composer 1944.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man goes into his dentist's office as something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination the dentist exclaimed, "Holy Smoke!!! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded. What on earth have you been eating?"

The man replied, "Well the only thing that I can think of is this...My wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it. Hollandaise Sauce, she called it. And, Doctor, I'm talking delicious. I've never tasted anything like it. And ever since I've been putting it on everything--meat, fish, toast, vegetables, you name it.

"The dentist responded, "That's probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. I'll have to install a new plate, but this time I'll make it out of chrome."

The man asked,"Why chrome?" The dentist replied , "Well, everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."

A man was in the mall, having a hamburger at the food court. A teen came up and sat down beside him, giving him the "I'm bad" typical teen look. The boy's hair was dyed in shades of blue, yellow, green, red and orange. The man couldn't help but stare at the kid's hair.

Finally, the teen looked over, saw the man staring and said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The man replied, "As a matter of fact, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

That's it for today my little candied yams. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay turned !