Happy Father's Day !

First and foremost, I would like to wish all the fathers a very happy Father's Day. Those of you that will again be receiving the usual ties, underwear, T-shirts or power tools, please be understanding as it is the thought that counts.

As boring as World Cup soccer is, in and of itself, I've been trying to follow the United States team. Additionally, I've tried to watch the more highly regarded matches of other countries in a vain attempted to develop some desire to follow the sport. The U.S. team tied Slovenia today (2-2) in a dramatic comeback that many thought the U.S. team should have won if not for bad calls by the referee or judge or whatever the hell they call him.

The U.S. team is now 0-0-2 and it's my understanding that they still have a chance to go into the next round. I watched most of the game with the television sound very low as the droning sounds of the vuvuzela (a long trumpet-looking thing that the idiots play non-stop throughout the game). The sound is reminiscent of a gigantic swarm of maniacal bees on steroids.

Politcal whore Rep. Joe Barton (R-Texas), the ranking member on the House Energy Committee, had the audacity to apologize to BP CEO Tony Hayward for the "shakedown" the Obama White House pulled on the company. Barton has received more than $1.5 million in campaign donations from the oil industry. After major criticism from both parties, House Republican leadership threatened to immediately strip Barton's seniority on the committee if the Texas Republican didn't retract the apology at once. He retracted his apology.

Barton is the epitome of the types of political assholes that should be removed from office in the coming elections. I sent Rep. Barton the following email this morning:

I cannot believe your act of political prostitution in your apology to BP CEO Tony Hayward. Didn't it enter into your feeble mind that everyone is aware of the monies you have received from big oil? My lord, have you no morals whatsoever?

The News As I See It: President Obama finally met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled for 20 minutes. Call me crazy but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked. Obama demanded that BP clean up the Gulf, but BP can’t even clean up their gas station bathrooms.

Obama said he's going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. He's made a lot of promises that he can’t possibly keep. It’s like he’s campaigning again.

China now holds more than $900 billion in U.S. debt and a lot of Americans are worried about this. Who cares? We’re not going to pay them back anyway.

This Date In History: 1812; The War of 1812 began. 1815; Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of Waterloo by British, German, and Dutch forces. 1873; Suffragist Susan B. Anthony was fined $100 for attempting to vote in the 1872 presidential election. 1928; Aviator Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across the Atlantic Ocean. She completed the flight from Newfoundland to Wales in about 21 hours.

1948; The United Nations Commission on Human Rights adopted its International Declaration of Human Rights. The General Assembly would give it final approval on Dec. 10, 1948. 1983; Sally Ride became the first American woman in space.

Picture Of The Day: I had a hell of a time trying to find pictures for today's post. I think all the photoshop people are taking the weekend off. Nevertheless, I was able to dig up a few presentable pictures for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My grandfather is hard of hearing and he needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. 2) They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. I think that's true because the night before that last earthquake hit, a dog took his owner's car keys and drove to Arizona. 3) A friend of mine went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time, so he ordered French toast during the Renaissance. 4) My girlfriend wants to celebrate next Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I told to invite everyone in the neighborhood to our house, we'll have an enormous feast, and then we'll kill them and take their land. 5) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Edward Scripps, newspaper publisher 1854, Philip Barry, playwright 1896, Anastasia, grand duchess 1901, Paul McCartney, Singer, composer, pianist and musician 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy turned and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, she farted. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped no one heard her. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may I help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you're going to shit when you hear the price."

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Andrew."The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Murray, come up here and I'll give you the $2."As the teacher was giving Murray his money, she said, "You know Murray, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Murray replied, "Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the girl next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt karate expert. The woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and she's a rugby player. The girl to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and she's a wrestler. All of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

That's it for today my little tadpoles. Remember, a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. I'm off to AREA 51 for a little rest and recreation. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

It's Hump Day And I Need A Break - Happy Hour, Anyone ?

BP will set aside $20 billion to pay the victims of the massive Gulf oil fiasco, Obama administration officials said today. I don't know what White House genius negotiated this deal for America, but the amount should be a minimum of $100 billion dollars. The financial and ecological ramifications of this disaster is immeasurable and who knows what repercussions will come in the future. Methinks that these monies should be banked as soon as possible before BP postures and positions itself to file for inevitable bankruptcy.

North Carolina Rep. Bob Etheridge apologised Monday after an online video surfaced showing he was involved in a physical altercation with two young men who approached him on a Washington street and asked the Democrat whether he supported President Obama's agenda.

I take offense to the two unidentified "students" who approached Etheridge, stuck a microphone in his face, and began asking questions. Nowadays, any asshole can buy a video camera and a microphone and attempt to interview anyone. There is no evidence that the "students" were credentialed or possessed media identification. Personally, I would have stuck the microphone up the student's ass!

The News As I See It: President Obama had a 30-minute phone call with British Prime Minister David Cameron about the BP oil spill. The conversation is supposed to stay private, but given that it’s BP, you can probably expect a few leaks. If the oil industry could suck up the oil the way they suck up to Congress, the Gulf would have been cleaned up a month ago.

The World Cup soccer games trudges on. The thing that's interesting about soccer is that you can watch from the first minute to the last minute and you can never be sure how much time is left in the game. I've found that the best way to watch the soccer matches is to TiVo them and watch them at double speed. That way you can see them not scoring goals much faster.

In the South Carolina Democratic primary for the Senate, a man named Alvin Greene has won the Democratic primary. He didn't go to any campaign events, spent no money, gave no speeches and was kicked out of the Army. He's unemployed, he lives with his mother, and he's facing felony charges for showing lewd photos to students. Investigations are under way to see if and how he qualified to run for office. Personally, I think he's definitely qualified to be a senator.

This Date In History: 1487; The Battle of Stoke ended the Wars of the Roses. 1858 Senate candidate Abraham Lincoln declared, "a house divided against itself cannot stand." 1904; Events in James Joyce's novel Ulysses took place on this day, which is celebrated as Bloomsday, for the main character, Leopold Bloom. 1933; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Industrial Recovery Act.

1963; Valentina Tereshkova of the USSR became the first woman in space. 1996; Russia voted in its first independent presidential election. Boris Yeltsin eventually won in a runoff. 2004; The 9/11 Commission determined that Saddam Hussein had no strong links to al-Qaeda, contradicting White House beliefs.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop people are having a big time with the new Arizona illegal alien law and, naturally, 'da prez gets his usual share as well. I was worried that after Georgie "Dubya" left office, I wouldn't have any new fodder, but deep down, I knew Obozo would trip on his big balls, sooner or later. Oh....and I found a way to make soccer more interesting.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I know a guy who's half Jewish and half Catholic. When he goes to confession, he says, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned - and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen." 2) When I go out, I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. When I see a woman with a tattoo, I’m thinking, okay, here’s a girl who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. 3) Dogs may be man's best friend but they won’t pick you up at the airport. 4) I recently read a newspaper article about Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive for a while. 5) I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Edward Davy, physician, scientist 1806, Stan Laurel, comic actor 1890, Barbara McClintock, geneticist 1902, Joyce Carol Oates, American author 1938.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two old women, Dorothy and Edna, are talking. Dorothy says, "That nice John Garnett asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna said, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 pm, dressed like a gentleman in a fine suit and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks."

Edna continues, "Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an animal. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy says "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna says, "No, I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Anne and Victor for their contributions to today's post.

A guy was in a bar and complained of a headache. An attorney sitting nearby, says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the same attorney was again sitting at the bar. The attorney asked, "Did you do what I told you to?" The guy says, "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

A man was at the airport and told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" The man told her, "You did it last week!"

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" The bishop said, "Yes." The priest said, "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

My friend and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, they go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine and some good food. She goes Tuesdays, He goes Fridays.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

The woman pops her eye back in and says, "Oh my, I am so sorry, let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been so incredible! He says,"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " She replies, "No, you just happened to catch my eye."

That's it for today my little humming birds. Remember, the best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth. It's Hump Day. I'm going to mosey on over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

If You Remember The 60's You Weren't Really There

Some people fear growing older but it doesn't really bother me. Other than the usual morning aches and pains, once I get my extremities to work as a team, I'm fine. I still feel and think young. The only occasional reminder of aging is when I have to wait for the silver-haired guy in front of the bathroom mirror to finish washing his hands and face so that I can wash mine.

Experience is one of the rewards of aging and I learned to arrange direct deposit for my social security checks. The first three months, I went to the bank to deposit the check. Each time, unbeknownst to me, I was observed.

The fourth month, when I came out of the bank a young woman accosted me and asked for me money. I told her I didn't have any. She told her she'd been watching me for three months, and knew I had money. Then she frisked me. She said, "I watched you for four months. Aren't you cashing a check?" I told her, "No, but if you'll frisk me again, I'll write you one."

I learned a lot about aging from the grandfather of one of my childhood friends. His grandfather used to enjoy taking walks but as he aged, he began to trip and stumble a bit. It got so bad that the family finally had to take him to the doctor. After the doctor examined his grandfather, he told the family that grandfather was in excellent health. He said just remind Gramps to tuck his balls into his knee high socks before he began his walks.

Looking back to the 60's, the difference between now and then is more apparent. In the 60's, I'd buy a KEG, now I get an EKG. In the 60's, it was acid rock, now it's acid reflux. In those days, I'd go to a hip new joint and now I'm considering a new hip joint. Those were the days of the Rolling Stones. Nowadays it's kidney stones.

In the 60's, it was passing the driving test, now it's passing the vision test. Back in the day it was Disco, now it's Costco. The motto of the crowd was "Whatever." Nowadays, it "Depends."

All things considered, I'm enjoying life. I always keep a supply of Johnnie Walker Black to use as medication in case I get bitten by a snake. I also keep a snake handy, as well. The only thing I need to remember is to wear my knee high socks when I go for my morning walks.....

The News As I See It: The World Cup soccer matches have begun. In the U.S., soccer’s popularity ranges somewhere between Jon Gosselin and people that give out raisins on Halloween. The reason Americans don’t get into soccer is because the scores are too low. They should make each goal worth two points, and then maybe let the players use their hands, and then maybe add some hoops and a basketball. Americans would watch that.

Vice President Joe O'Biden is actually in South Africa for the World Cup. Biden’s looking forward to all the matches — or as he calls them, "foosball reenactments." The Brazilian referees for the U.S.-England game studied English swear words to make sure the players didn’t curse. If there’s one thing that thousands of drunk, shirtless hooligans can’t stand, it’s naughty language.

President Obozo may finally meet with BP CEO Tony Hayward this week. Obozo plans to ask Hayward for an update on the spill, while Hayward plans to ask Obozo for an update on the spill. A lot of people are upset and wondering why President Obozo was willing to sit down with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but not to BP CEO Tony Hayward. I think Obozo is afraid. Ahmadinejad only threatened to destroy the world and Hayward is actually doing it.

BP's stock has dropped 51 percent since the oil spill. Now that they’re leaking money like they’re leaking oil, maybe they’ll get up and do something about it. A review of BP's 582-page plan to deal with a catastrophic oil spill was found to be full of errors and severely flawed. BP listed their lead drilling specialist as a Mr. Jed Clampett of Beverly Hills.

This Date In History: 1775; The United States Army was founded. 1777; The Continental Congress adopted the Stars and Stripes as the official flag of the U.S. 1922; Warren Harding became the first president to be heard on the radio. 1940; German troops entered Paris. The Nazis opened the Auschwitz concentration camp in Poland.

1951; The first commercial computer, Univac I, was unveiled. 1954; President Eisenhower signed the order inserting the words "under God" into the Pledge of Allegiance. 1989; Argentine forces surrendered to British troops on the Falkland Islands.

Picture Of The Day: I had fun trying to find some decent senior citizen pictures but surprisingly, there weren't too many out there. I finally discovered a few good ones. For a while there, I was afraid that I'd have to post some pictures of my friends.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) So I asked her, "Does this handkerchief smell like chloroform to you?" 2) Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 3) Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 4) I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. 5) At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Harriet Beecher Stowe, writer 1811, Margaret Bourke-White, photographer 1904, Donald Trump, business executive 1946, Eric Heiden, speed skater 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he left his wallet at home.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two

Two boys come into a diner with their father. The waitress walks over and asks asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. The boy says, "I’ll think I'll have a f**kin’ hamburger." The father is outraged at his language and smacks the kid upside the head. Embarrassed, the waitress asks the younger boy what he wanted to eat. The little boy said, "I don’t know, but you can bet your sweet ass I'm not ordering a f**kin' hamburger!"

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator and says, "I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees and the guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.

The man says, "I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. An old woman stands up and says. "I’ll give it a try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

After allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth. The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least twice a week. Do you think you can do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."

That's it for today my little chickadees (you knew that one was coming sooner or later). Remember, light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Birthday Donald Duck !

Between the constant news about the BP Gulf of Mexico oil spill disaster, I was remiss in not mentioning the fact the Donal Duck turned 75 years old on June 9th. The day is legally defined, through an act of Congress, as Donald Duck Day. It was in 1934 that the first Donald Duck cartoon premiered. You'd think if America loved a 75-year-old with a hot temper so much, we would have elected John McCain.

I don't know if you have noticed, but Donald wears a sailor hat and a sailor shirt and nothing else. The last time I went out like that, I got arrested.

Lately, every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy. I went to see my doctor and told him about my problem. He said, "Ok, how long have you been having these Disney spells?"

Word has it that dispite his age, Donald Duck was spotted celebrating his birthday at a strip club. I refused to believe that a duck of his age would frequent such a place until I obtained the picture below. Happy Birthday Donald, you rock!

For The Record: I believe that British Petroleum (BP) is, and has been, positioning itself for bankruptcy since it realized the financial size and scope of the Gulf Oil Disaster. Speaking of disasters, if I were still married, tomorrow would be my anniversary. I think I'll celebrate tonight and stay out all night with a woman half her age.

The News As I See It: BP claims they have a containment system for the leaking oil. Their containment system is called the “Gulf of Mexico." They say it’s going to take forever to clean up this oil spill in the Gulf, even longer than it will take to clean up Lindsay Lohan.

Vice President Joe O'Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden’s House. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis. BP expects to capture "virtually all" of the leaking oil by early next week. But if not "virtually all" of the oil, then definitely "nearly most" of it. Or at least “almost some," but probably closer to "next to none" of it.

Helen Thomas had to resign over comments she made about Israel. She will be replaced by Betty White.

Hall & Oates have canceled an upcoming concert in Arizona to protest that state’s new immigration law. That will teach Arizona a lesson. Let’s see how long they can go without Hall & Oates. Apparently, Hall & Oates were worried that Arizona authorities would make them go back where they came from — the '70s.

This Date In History: 1880; John Lee Richmond pitched baseball's first perfect game. A perfect game occurs when no batter reaches a base during a complete game of at least nine innings. 1898; Emilio Aguinaldo, head of the Philippine nationalists, proclaimed independence from Spain. 1939; The Baseball Hall of Fame opened to the public in Cooperstown, New York.

1942; Anne Frank received a diary for her birthday. 1963; Civil rights leader Medgar Evers was fatally shot in front of his home in Jackson, Mississippi. 1997; Interleague play began in baseball, ending a 126-year tradition of separating the major leagues until the World Series.

Picture Of The Day: Why, Donald Duck, of course! One of my favorite comic book characters growing up, especially BD (before Disneyland) in California.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... 2) Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. 3) If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean that one person enjoys it? 4) I saw a large breasted woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it so I said "Implants?" 5) The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Johanna Spyri, author 1827, Djuna Barnes, author 1892, George Herbert Walker Bush, 41st President of the United States (1989–1993) 1924, Anne Frank, diarist 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A hooded armed robber bursts into a bank in little Italy, New York and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Italian customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. The robber yells, "Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber. There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly Italian gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I tinka maybe my wifa caughta glimpse"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Minnie asks, "Do you have a condom?" Donald says, "No." Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.

Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says, "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald. The clerk asks, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" Donald says, "No, I'll just use it the regular way."

A guy's at a bar with his friends and he's totalled. He's three drinks past drunk and as he starts to leave, his vomits all over himself. He slurs, "Damn! My wife doesn't like me hanging out with you guys, and now I'm sloppy drunk and stinking and filthy. She's gonna kill me."

His buddy hands him five dollars and says, "Put this five in your pocket and tell her one of us barfed on you and gave you money for dry cleaning." The drunk's eyes light up and he thanks his friend before stumbling out the door towards his house. He arrives at home to find his wife standing at the door, waiting for him.

She exclaims, "I don't like you hanging around with those slobs as it is, and now you come home stinking drunk and covered with your own vomit." The man reaching for the five in his pocket and handing it to her, says, "No Baby, one of the guys got sick on me and gave me five bucks to pay for the dry cleaning." The wife says, "But this is ten dollars." The drunk says,"Oh yeah, he also shit my pants."

Mickey Mouse went to court to get a divorce from Minnie. The judge looks at the file, then turns to Mickey and says, "Why are you asking for a divorce?" Micky says, "Judge, she's driving me crazy. She's mentally unstable and I'm not real sure what she does when I'm not around."

The judge says, "I'm not going to grant you a divorce just because Minnie was having and affair." Mickey replies, "I didn't say she was cheating, I said she was f**king Goofy!"

That's it for today my little quackers. Remember, we are all merely time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour. To quote Marty King...Friday at Last, Friday at last, Good God, Friday at last! Time to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

It's Hump Day And Time For Happy Hour (From the Latin: Humpus Daeus Imbibus) !

I went grocery shopping today and one of the things I saw in the fruit and vegetable section was the dreaded asparagus. As chills ran up my spine, I briefly drifted back to my childhood days and memories of eating dinner with my family.

My mom's dinner menu options were "take it or leave it" but my father, who came from modest means, always insisted that we children "clean our plates." This, of course, meant that in order to get dessert, you had to eat what was served. Normally, I had no problems with the family dinner rules with the exception of the days that asparagus was on the menu. Personally, I never saw a valid reason for the existence of asparagus, but I digress.

As luck would have it, asparagus was normally served with liver. As you may have surmised, I despise liver even more than asparagus. Fortunately for me, I was a clever child and I developed several ways to "dispose" of these disgusting foods.

I would cut a piece of the liver and when Mom wasn't looking, I'd toss it to my dog, Beannie. He'd catch it in the air and swallow it in one gulp. Then, I'd take a piece of asparagus and toss it to him, he catch it and swallow it, too. The look on his face was comical when he realized that he had gulped asparagus instead of liver. After the first toss, I'd let Beannie smell the liver again and then toss it to him. The next toss after that was another piece of asparagus. Nights like these would leave me very hungry when I went to bed, but hunger had a much higher value than the taste of liver and asparagus. It was a fair trade......

Odds and Ends: America's chance to rid itself of Nevada Senator Harry Reid may be in jeopardy as Sharron Angle has won the Republican Senate nomination in Nevada. Angle's candidacy was supported by the Tea Party movement. She faces Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, the Democratic nominee, in November. Angle will probably be the weakest of the three possible candidates against Reid as her views on Social Security and the fate of the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste facility are highly controversial. Hopefully, Reid's low popularity with Nevada voters will still be his downfall.

Joran van der Sloot's confession in the horrendous murder of Stephany Flores all but seals his fate. What a shame that, due of the incompetence and negligence of the Aruban prosecutors and government in the Natalee Holloway murder, this piece of garbage was allowed to kill again.

The U.S. Department of Interior has confirmed that oil has been leaking from a non-BP well into the Gulf of Mexico, but put the size of the leak at less than a barrel a day. The oil is coming from an old production platform site that was destroyed by a subsurface mudslide in 2004, after the Gulf was hit by Hurricane Ivan. Taylor Energy, the operator of the well, said that the site is leaking "small amounts of oil—an average of less than one-third of a barrel per day."

The News As I See It: BP is saying that the campaign to clean up the oil could last until fall. You know why they call it a campaign? Because it’s like an election. It’s dirty, it’s slimy, and it never seems to end. BP is spending $50 million on advertising to put a positive spin on the oil spill. They say that fishermen are catching tuna that are getting 35 miles per gallon.

Using electron microscopes, scientists have discovered the slowest-moving thing on Earth. It’s the White House responding to the oil spill. President Obozo is going to visit India this November, in response to Prime Minister Singh’s invitation, though mostly, he’s going over there to visit our jobs. Obozo pitched his healthcare bill to a group of seniors. According to a poll, half of the seniors thought the president was convincing, 30 percent thought he was unconvincing, and the rest thought he was Will Smith.

Vice President Joe O'Biden is on the first leg of his African tour, which includes visits to Egypt, Kenya, and South Africa. The second leg of the tour will be when he goes back to all the countries to apologize for everything he said during the first leg.

The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, folded this week. The CEO says the company could not survive in a market where everybody in the country is on the No-Fly list.

This Date In History: 1870; Author Charles Dickens died. 1898; China agreed to lease Hong Kong to Britain for 99 years. 1934; Donald Duck made his screen debut in The Wise Little Hen. 1944; The Republic of Iceland was established. 1973; Secretariat won the Belmont Stakes and became the first Triple Crown winner in 25 years.

1978; After 148 years, the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints finally allowed black men to become priests. 1993; Japan's Crown Prince Naruhito married commoner Masako Owada.

Picture Of The Day: My pal Garnett sent me photographs wich helped me visualize the difference between America and third world countries. They helped me to see his point although I kinda like the goat too!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question. 2) In America, banks continue to fail. I think it's because banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. 3) The word "lite" is the new way to spell "Light" and with 20% fewer letters! 4) Everyone has the right to be stupid, it's just that some abuse the privilege. 5) Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Peter the Grea, czar of Russia (1682–1725) 1672, Bertha Suttner, novelist 1843, Cole Porter, composer 1891, Robert McNamara, defense secretary 1916, Michael J. Fox, actor 1961, Johnny Depp, actor 1963, Natalie Portman, actress 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old Irishman who had a little too much drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and say, "So, where have you been?" The drunk slurred, "Why, I've been to the pub of course." The cop says, "It looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." The drunk smiles and says, "I did all right."

The cop stands straight, folds his arms and says, "Did you know that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" The drunk replies, "Oh, thank heavens. For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. The engineer said, "Hey bartender, I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there." The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a trouble maker and we don't serve his kind around here."

The engineer said, "Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender skeptically served the trouble maker his beer, then came back to talk to the engineer and said, "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?" The engineer responded, "Oh, that's where we put the jack."

A drunk is sitting in a bar and asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right." All of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream coming from the bathroom, and they wonder about what's going on in there. A few minutes go by, and again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom.

This time, the bartender decides to investigate, and he goes into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about. He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away." The drunk says, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes my balls!" With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket."

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Hey buddy, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina'?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

That's it for today my little orange blossoms. Remember, to steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !