What's Up Doc?

Saturday morning cartoons and television shows were always something to look forward to when I was a puppy. I remember getting up early in the morning and watching the test pattern until the station came on the air. There were always cartoons, including Tom and Jerry, Mighty Mouse, Woody Woodpecker, Bugs Bunny and The Roadrunner.

Then the shows came on. We would watch The Buster Brown Show, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans, Sky King and The Little Rascals (Our Gang). The Three Stooges were always a treat when they would come on periodically, but they never came on consistently.

If we were really lucky, we'd go to the movie theater. That was almost an all day affair as we would watch the cartoons first, then the Movietone News reel and then the serial, which was a half hour continuing short movie that always left you hanging (so that you would return the following week).

Finally, the "feature" movie would come on. Since it was the closest theater within bicycle distance, we never bothered to see what was playing because just going to the movies was an event unto itself. I saw "Carousel" and "Oklahoma" when they first came out at that theater and I remember being surprised, then angry, that the actors would stop in the scene and start singing for no apparent reason. Musicals were never one of my favorites.

Those days were innocent and bring back fond memories. We would ride our bikes to the movies (which was a mile away) and leave our bikes outside in the rack unlocked. The theater was our playground all day long and we sometimes watched the featured movie twice. Then, just before it got dark, we'd ride home, happy as larks.

It's a shame that the good kids of today can't enjoy similar experiences. With street monkeys lurking in every nook and cranny waiting to rob someone or steal something, it's unsafe for children to go anywhere without adult supervision.

The News As I See It: Japanese researchers have invented a speech-jamming gun that can silence people from 30 meters away. You fire this at them, and they can stop talking. It makes people speechless. I'm thinking that a lot of married people will purchase this.

In a recent interview, Obama said when he plays golf, he doesn't want or expect people to give him a pass on any shots. He just hopes people will give him a mulligan in November.

A phone survey found that 70 percent of Americans support legalizing marijuana. I can't believe that many marijuana supporters were able to answer the phone.

Last week a Chicken McNugget that resembles President George Washington was auctioned on eBay for over $8,000. Meanwhile, a Chicken McNugget that looks like Mitt Romney was eaten by Newt Gingrich.

This Date In History: 1912; Juliette Gordon Low founded the Girl Scouts. 1930; Mohandas Gandhi began his 200-mile march to protest the British salt tax. 1933; President Franklin D. Roosevelt gave the first of his nation-wide "fireside chats" on radio.

1938; "Anschluss" took place when Hitler incorporated his homeland of Austria into the Third Reich. 1947; President Truman established the "Truman Doctrine" to aid in the containment of Communism. 1993; Janet Reno was sworn in as the first female attorney general of the United States.

1994; The Church of England ordained women priests for the first time in 460 years. 2002; The color-coded terror alert system was unveiled by Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge. 2003; The prime minister of the Serbian state (of Serbia and Montenegro), Zoran Djindjic, was assassinated.

Picture Of The Day: Those were the days.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got lost once when I was a kid. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide." 2) My ex-wife and I didn't think alike. She donated money to the homeless and I donated money to the topless! 3) Television advertisers have stated that silver is out performing gold in the marketplace. I checked with the Lone Ranger and, sure enough, it's true! 4) Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 5) Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 12th: The Monday morning blues will fade as the evening nears. Opportunity will come knocking this evening. Chance of romance is 37.65 percent but don't worry, tomorrow looks better. Don't get on an elevator with a midget if you're having any flatulent issues.

Birthdays: George Berkeley, philosopher 1685, Vaslav Nijinsky, ballet dancer and choreographer 1890, Jack Kerouac, American Writer 1922, Edward Albee, dramatist 1928, Andrew Young, political leader 1932, Liza Minnelli, actress 1946, James Taylor, singer and musician 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex.

He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.

After John polled his group several more times he noticed an old guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The old guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The old guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

A police officer in Pennsylvania was interviewing an old man who was a witness to a murder. The cop asked, "Did you see what happened?" The old man said, "No but I heard it and I know who did it" The cop, a bit dubious, said, "What did you hear?"

The old man said, "Clip-clop, clip-clop, Bang!, clip-clop, clip-clop." The cop said, "And from that you know what happened?" The old timer said, "Yep, it was an Amish drive-by."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!"

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "Wow! He mated 365 times last year. That's once a day! You could really learn from this one."

The annoyed man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Just after opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became confused after reading the enclosed card, which stated, "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist who apologized for having sent the wrong card. The store owner said, "Oh, it's alright. I'm a businessman and I understand these things happen."

The florist went on, "I accidentally sent the card that was meant for you to a funeral party." The store owner asked, "What did it say?" The florist relied, "Congratulations on your new location."

A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that states: Looking for man that won't beat me, run out on me and is great in bed. She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad and found someone perfect. She arranged a meeting the next day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away." The lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

That's it for today, my little bunny rabbits. Remember, if you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Birthday Donald Duck !

Between the constant news about the BP Gulf of Mexico oil spill disaster, I was remiss in not mentioning the fact the Donal Duck turned 75 years old on June 9th. The day is legally defined, through an act of Congress, as Donald Duck Day. It was in 1934 that the first Donald Duck cartoon premiered. You'd think if America loved a 75-year-old with a hot temper so much, we would have elected John McCain.

I don't know if you have noticed, but Donald wears a sailor hat and a sailor shirt and nothing else. The last time I went out like that, I got arrested.

Lately, every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy. I went to see my doctor and told him about my problem. He said, "Ok, how long have you been having these Disney spells?"

Word has it that dispite his age, Donald Duck was spotted celebrating his birthday at a strip club. I refused to believe that a duck of his age would frequent such a place until I obtained the picture below. Happy Birthday Donald, you rock!

For The Record: I believe that British Petroleum (BP) is, and has been, positioning itself for bankruptcy since it realized the financial size and scope of the Gulf Oil Disaster. Speaking of disasters, if I were still married, tomorrow would be my anniversary. I think I'll celebrate tonight and stay out all night with a woman half her age.

The News As I See It: BP claims they have a containment system for the leaking oil. Their containment system is called the “Gulf of Mexico." They say it’s going to take forever to clean up this oil spill in the Gulf, even longer than it will take to clean up Lindsay Lohan.

Vice President Joe O'Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden’s House. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis. BP expects to capture "virtually all" of the leaking oil by early next week. But if not "virtually all" of the oil, then definitely "nearly most" of it. Or at least “almost some," but probably closer to "next to none" of it.

Helen Thomas had to resign over comments she made about Israel. She will be replaced by Betty White.

Hall & Oates have canceled an upcoming concert in Arizona to protest that state’s new immigration law. That will teach Arizona a lesson. Let’s see how long they can go without Hall & Oates. Apparently, Hall & Oates were worried that Arizona authorities would make them go back where they came from — the '70s.

This Date In History: 1880; John Lee Richmond pitched baseball's first perfect game. A perfect game occurs when no batter reaches a base during a complete game of at least nine innings. 1898; Emilio Aguinaldo, head of the Philippine nationalists, proclaimed independence from Spain. 1939; The Baseball Hall of Fame opened to the public in Cooperstown, New York.

1942; Anne Frank received a diary for her birthday. 1963; Civil rights leader Medgar Evers was fatally shot in front of his home in Jackson, Mississippi. 1997; Interleague play began in baseball, ending a 126-year tradition of separating the major leagues until the World Series.

Picture Of The Day: Why, Donald Duck, of course! One of my favorite comic book characters growing up, especially BD (before Disneyland) in California.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... 2) Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. 3) If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean that one person enjoys it? 4) I saw a large breasted woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it so I said "Implants?" 5) The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Johanna Spyri, author 1827, Djuna Barnes, author 1892, George Herbert Walker Bush, 41st President of the United States (1989–1993) 1924, Anne Frank, diarist 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A hooded armed robber bursts into a bank in little Italy, New York and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Italian customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. The robber yells, "Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber. There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly Italian gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I tinka maybe my wifa caughta glimpse"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Minnie asks, "Do you have a condom?" Donald says, "No." Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.

Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says, "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald. The clerk asks, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" Donald says, "No, I'll just use it the regular way."

A guy's at a bar with his friends and he's totalled. He's three drinks past drunk and as he starts to leave, his vomits all over himself. He slurs, "Damn! My wife doesn't like me hanging out with you guys, and now I'm sloppy drunk and stinking and filthy. She's gonna kill me."

His buddy hands him five dollars and says, "Put this five in your pocket and tell her one of us barfed on you and gave you money for dry cleaning." The drunk's eyes light up and he thanks his friend before stumbling out the door towards his house. He arrives at home to find his wife standing at the door, waiting for him.

She exclaims, "I don't like you hanging around with those slobs as it is, and now you come home stinking drunk and covered with your own vomit." The man reaching for the five in his pocket and handing it to her, says, "No Baby, one of the guys got sick on me and gave me five bucks to pay for the dry cleaning." The wife says, "But this is ten dollars." The drunk says,"Oh yeah, he also shit my pants."

Mickey Mouse went to court to get a divorce from Minnie. The judge looks at the file, then turns to Mickey and says, "Why are you asking for a divorce?" Micky says, "Judge, she's driving me crazy. She's mentally unstable and I'm not real sure what she does when I'm not around."

The judge says, "I'm not going to grant you a divorce just because Minnie was having and affair." Mickey replies, "I didn't say she was cheating, I said she was f**king Goofy!"

That's it for today my little quackers. Remember, we are all merely time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour. To quote Marty King...Friday at Last, Friday at last, Good God, Friday at last! Time to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !