A Selfie Was Out Of The Question Back In The Day

I got my first camera somewhere between age 10 and 11. It used black and white film, and flashbulbs, which, for some reason, you had to lick the end before putting it in the camera. I got it by selling 8X10 cards door-to-door that had old adages and religious quotes on them and they sold for 10 cents each.

The cards were no more than blue paste board with glitter writing, and quite frankly, I think a good portion of my sales were because the customers felt sorry for me. Nevertheless, I persisted and sold all of my cards.

I got the idea from a comic book ad and I filled out the application and mailed it. They sent me the product and once I returned the monies earned, they sent me the camera.

Our family did not own a camera. Mom and Dad were too busy figuring out how to pay for silly things light rent, groceries, electricity, school clothes and the like. The funny thing was after I got the camera, the whole family was always willing to strike a pose.

I began to seriously get involved in and follow auto racing and my camera captured many a treasured moment. It was also useful in documenting my fishing trips as it backed up my stories of the fish I caught. But as I began the transition from boy to man, I found my camera was useful as an icebreaker with the girls.

I find it a bit sad that many of today's youth seem to expect a cell phone from their parents. Ostensibly, it's for their safety, but many bad things happen back in the day, as well. The difference is that today's news is instant news and spreads quickly since the advent of cell phones, tablets and the like.

There is no better feeling than working for something and getting it by yourself, especially when you're young. It is a good life lesson.....

My long time friend Pete was always a willing subject in my photography days

The News As I See It: The Northeast was hit hard with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they've haven't seen a whiteout like this since last week's Oscar nominations. Weathermen were talking' about the blizzard-like conditions. I'm no expert, but If you have blizzard-like conditions, isn't that a blizzard?

Obama is in the Middle East. He met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia's first lady, the second lady, third lady, and fourth lady.

Obama said In a speech that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican front-runner for 2016.

It's been a few days since King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I winder if it's too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?

This Date In History: 1547; King Henry VIII of England died and his nine-year-old son, Edward VI, assumed the throne. 1915; Congress passed legislation creating the U.S. Coast Guard.

1916; The first Jewish Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, Louis Brandeis, was appointed. 1986; U.S. shuttle Challenger exploded 72 seconds after lift off, killing all seven crew members aboard, including school teacher Christa McAuliffe.

1999; The creation of Element 114 is announced by scientists. 2003; In his second State of the Union Address, President Bush presents case for war with Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: My friend and national race car champion Charles "Red" Farmer was one of my first pictures with my new camera. Red, now in his eighties, continues to race dirt track modified cars in Alabama. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Are you unsure about birth control? Watch my kids for 10 minutes. 2) According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again. 3) Apparently sitting here on my new lawn furniture, drinking my vodka and minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests. 4) Curiously, it's always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences. 5) Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status. After the third time, it should default to "Unstable".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 28th: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair.

Testing times lay ahead for you if you expect your love life to be without its ups and downs. Your body is a temple. Congratulations on the expanding congregation!

Birthdays: Sir Henry Morton Stanley, explorer 1841, William Seward Burroughs, inventor 1857, Colette, novelist 1873, Arthur Rubinstein, concert pianist 1887, John Banner, actor 1910, Roger Vadim, filmmaker 1928, Alan Alda, actor 1936, Sarah McLachlan, singer, songwriter 1968, Elijah Wood, actor 1981.

Does anyone know what this is?

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. Once more, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"

The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. The doctor says, "The pain must have been excruciating!"

The hunter said, "It was, the second worst pain in my life." The doctor asked,  "Second worst? What could have been worse than that?" The hunter replied, "Coming to the end of the chain."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked, "Who are you?" The voice answered, "I am your guardian angel." The man said, "Yeah? And where the hell were you when I got married?"

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

The man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

The waitress says, "That's brilliant! Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" The man says, "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there."

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

That's it for today, my little turtle doves. Remember, the path less traveled by is usually taken only because one is lost. Tonight's destination is AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Some Days Eye Just Don't Know

I am a night owl. I hate to get up early which is one of the reasons I own my company. Moreover, I hate any appointment that starts at 9 am. The only thing that could make things worse is a 9 am doctor's appointment. Et voila, le pièce de résistance.

I embarked on my 20 mile trek at the crack of 8:30, thus assuring a race against time for an appointment at which I knew that I would not be called until 9:45, unless I was late.

Unfortunately, the weather gods amused themselves by lowering the temperature down to a blustery 55 degrees, complemented by a cold, wet, brisk northern wind. Did I mention it was raining?

Joining the fun, my car heater decided to take fifteen minutes to get to a temperature which my teeth didn't chatter. Naturally, in my haste to get on the road, I was dressed only in a thin, long sleeved shirt which the wind blew through like a knife through butter.

The appointment was with an eye specialist or, quite frankly, I would have blown the whole thing off. The good news was that things went well. The bad news was that I drove home under the same conditions with the added burden of dilated eyes.

It could have been worse, I guess.....

The News As I See It: Miami Marlins outfielder Giancarlo Stanton has signed the biggest contract in American sports history, worth $325 million over 13 years. This is the first time a team's owner has been tested for drugs. What could possibly go A-Rod?

A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets a three-week vacation?

Last week, a Florida woman and her 20-year-old daughter gave birth within three hours of each other at the same hospital. I guess there’s nothing like giving birth to take the edge off becoming a grandma.

It's rumored that Kim Kardashian may buy a private island near Australia. Because if there's one thing she can't live without, it's her privacy.

Charles Manson has applied for a license to marry his 26-year-old girlfriend, who calls herself "Star." There you go, folks, another eHarmony success story.
 

This Date In History: 1703; A masked man held prisoner in the Bastille in Paris died. His true identity was the cause of much intrigue, and his story became the basis of literary works by François Voltaire and Alexandre Dumas.

1794; John Jay and Lord Grenville signed Jay's Treaty. 1863; Lincoln delivered his Gettysburg Address at the dedication of the national cemetery on the Civil War battlefield of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

1977; Egyptian president Anwar Sadat became the first Arab leader to visit Israel. 1985; Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev met for the first time in Geneva. 1990; Milli Vanilli's Grammy award was rescinded after it was discovered they didn't do their own singing.

Picture Of The Day: Fiery-eyed beauty.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. 2) Some circumstantial evidence is compelling, like finding a trout in your milk. 3) The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. 4) In order to fly on an airplane, I must be filled up with Johnny Walker Black at the same time as the airplane is filled with aviation fuel. 5) A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 19th: Commenting on a nearby person's "peaches" when there is not a treeful nearby may not go down too well today. Avoid all sexy language in your lunch break. Try to avoid reading dusty old books that call themselves "tomes." Chance of romance is 35.91 percent.

Birthdays: James A. Garfield 20th American President 1831, Billy Sunday evangelist 1862, Indira Gandhi political leader 1917, Larry King TV personality 1933, Yuan T. Lee chemist 1936, Ted Turner business executive 1938, Calvin Klein fashion designer 1942, Eileen Collins astronaut 1956, Allison Janney actor 1960, Meg Ryan actress 1961, Jodie Foster actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde went the library and stepped up to the desk. She said to the desk clerk, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a coke." The desk clerk said, "Shhh...this is a library."

The blonde said, "Oh I'm sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me." Then, the blonde leaned over close to the desk clerk and whispered, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a coke."

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "I'll go you one better. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The party was really rocking when the host asked a very attractive blonde if she would like another drink.

The sexy blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

With that, the host asked, "Why is that?" The blonde coyly replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks, anyone can!"

 A blonde and a brunette were in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff.

Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde replies, "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'll die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

That's it for today, my little jitterbugs. Remember, women like silent men; they think they're listening. I;m off to AREA 51 - See you there!

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

"When I Was Your Age....."

Parents always seem to have those "I walked six miles a day, barefoot through snow, uphill both ways, to get to school" stories. My friend once told my Dad about his colonoscopy, telling him about the pain and pressure that he felt while the camera was in "Neverland". Dad told him that, back in the day, his colonoscopy was done by a sketch artist.

I can't imagine what today's parents will tell their kids about growing up. I mean, what are you going to say? My cell phone camera didn't have a flash feature? I only got a used car when I turned sixteen? I can't wait to hear those stories of "suffering".

Thousands of immigrant children crossed the border illegally, mostly from Honduras. Obama wants an additional 3 billion dollars to deal with them. How does an eleven-year-old child make the 1300 mile trip across Mexico to the U.S. border. Heres a plan. Put their young asses on a bus and send them back!

The News As I See It: This week is the annual Running of the Bulls in Spain. So, if you’re sick of all the fake injuries at the World Cup, get ready for some real ones. The Running of the Bulls tradition started in the 1500s. Instead of saying it is too dangerous, they said, "You know, if we got drunk enough we could turn this into a festival."

It's a terrifying feeling to be rushed by that giant herd of creatures. It's like being the last candy bar at Honey Boo Boo's house.

Last week the U.S. was eliminated by Belgium at the World Cup. And next week Belgium will be eliminated by drones.

An 81-year-old-woman in the U.K. went sky diving to help raise money for a local hospital. They didn’t raise a lot of money, but they did get a new patient.

Target Field in Minnesota will have self-serve beer machines at the All-Star Game next week. Big deal. My dad had a self-serving beer machine 40 years ago. It was called "Jimmy."

Yesterday, in 1776, the Liberty Bell rang in Philadelphia to announce the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence. Philadelphia's called the City of Brotherly Love. The name comes from the Greek word "filla," meaning brother, and "delphia," meaning cheesesteak. A Philly cheesesteak is made of steak, bread, cheese, onions and a complete disregard for your health.

This Date In History: 1816; Argentina formally declared independence from Spain. 1850; Zachary Taylor, the 12th president of the U.S., died after only 16 months in office. 1872; The doughnut cutter was patented by John F. Blondel of Thomaston, Maryland.

1896; William Jennings Bryan delivered his "cross of gold" speech at the Democratic National Convention. 1900; The British Parliament proclaimed that as of Jan. 1, 1901, the six Australian colonies would be united at the Commonwealth of Australia.

1974; Former U.S. chief justice Earl Warren died in Washington, DC. 1997; Boxer Mike Tyson was temporarily banned from boxing for biting Evander Holyfield's ear.

2002; Baseball's All-Star Game ended in a tie after 11 innings. Both sides had run out of pitchers. 2011; After more than 50 years of struggle, South Sudan declares independence and becomes Africa's 54th state.

Picture Of The Day: The serenity of this picture just blew me away.
 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. 2) A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 3) My friend's daughter was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then she realized she could just like Facebook photos to save lives. 4) My ex-wife and I never thought alike. She donated money to the homeless, and I donated money to the topless 5) It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 9th: You may get that feeling to "wander" this week, but it's not a good idea. Changing an ill fitting shirt for another ill fitting shirt won't help. Remember, a relationship is like wine. It gets better with age. Alas. it also makes you say things you regret, but I digress.....

Birthdays: Ann Radcliffe, novelist 1764, Elias Howe, inventor 1819, Nikola Tesla, electrical engineer, inventor 1856, Dorothy Thompson, journalist 1893, Donald H. Rumsfeld, secretary of Defense 1932, David Hockney, artist 1937, Tom Hanks, actor 1956, Courtney Love, singer 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Welcome! Because we are currently operating at 99 percent capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance." The blonde agrees.

St. Peter says, "Here's your question: Name two days of the week that begin with the letter T." The blonde says, "Today and tomorrow!" St. Peter says, "Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?" The blonde says, "That's easy. Twelve!" St. Peter says, "Twelve?" The blonde says, "Yeah! January second, February second, March second---"

St. Peter says, "Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What is God's is name?" The blonde says, "That's easy. It's Howard" St. Peter says, "Howard?" The blonde says, "You know, 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...'"

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers and says, "Been on vacation yet, lads?'' John says, "Off to England next month. We go to England every year, hire a car. and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

The bartender says, "Ah, England, wonderful Country. The history, the beer, the culture...'' John interrupts, "Nah, we don't like that British crap. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English. They're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

The bartender asks, ''So why keep going to England ?" John says, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive..."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

 A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just won't take no for an answer. The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't,"

This guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

That's it for today, my little whipper snappers. Remember, Fettuccini Alfredo is just macaroni and cheese for adults. I think I'll mosey over to AREA 51.  It's been a while since I've mosied.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

The Incredible Story Of Pu Tang - The Human Tampon

I promised myself I wouldn't post this but it's just too funny to pass up. It's the story of an American student we'll call Pu Tang, whose curiosity moved him to crawl inside the sculpture of a very large vagina in Germany. Here's the story:

An exchange student from the United States got caught in the act while "exploring" a giant stone vulva in Germany. It happened outside the Tübingen University' institute for microbiology and virology.

The 22-year-old was "allegedly" dared to climb on the marble artwork named "Chacan-Pi", or "Making Love". The sculpture is supposed to signify "the gateway to the world," but the unnamed student couldn't pull his legs out.

It took five fire trucks and 22 firefighters to free him. All the while his friend took pictures of their labor. Tübingen's mayor told reporters that he was at a loss as to how anyone, even considering the most extreme adolescent fantasies, could have gotten stuck. The mayor said, "To reward such a masterly achievement with the use of 22 firefighters almost pains my soul".

It is unknown who the model was for this sculpture, but I'm ruling out Monica Lewinsky since there are no traces of cigar ashes. There is a chance that Nancy Pelosi could have been the model as the sculpture is barren and made of stone.

As you may have noticed, the man's face has been blurred ostensibly to protect his identity. Using the newest technology, Jimmy's Journal has been able to remove the face blur. You may have seen this person in Washington D.C.

I could do thirty minutes of one-liners on this story but I'll leave that to you my friends.....

The News As I See It: Michelle Obama said she wants Americans to elect a woman president "as soon as possible." So even she has had enough of Barry Obama.

Pope Francis excommunicated all members of the Mafia last weekend. After the announcement, the first thing I thought was: Good luck starting the Popemobile.

The U.S, soccer team faces Germany on Thursday after a tie with Portugal in the World Cup. This puts the U.S. in a tough spot because people have to pretend to care about soccer for another 72 hours.

Kraft is recalling 260 cases of Velveeta cheese. Problems with the ignition switch.

This Date In History: 1788; Virginia became the 10th state in the Union. 1876; Lt. Col. George A. Custer and all his men were killed by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians at the Battle of Little Bighorn in Montana.

1950; Communist North Korean troops invaded South Korea, beginning the Korean War. 1951; The first commercial color TV program was transmitted by CBS from New York to Baltimore, Philadelphia, Boston, and Washington, DC.

1991; Croatia and Slovenia proclaimed their independence from Yugoslavia, beginning the Yugoslavian civil war. 1997; Oceanographer Jacques Cousteau died. 2009 Michael Jackson, lifelong musician, pop singer, and superstar, dies at age 50.

Picture Of The Day: The picture of the now famous Chacan-Pi sculpture. I must admit that I cannot tell you if the sculpture is anatomically correct because every time I've gotten really, really close to that part of the anatomy, I always closed me eyes.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) No thanks, World Cup. If I wanted to watch dudes run around for 3 hours and leave with a tie, I'd just go to Sears. 2) The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you. 3) My niece guessed the capital of Montana is Hannah and I had to give it to her because as far as I know, that's correct. 4) Going to Walmart with my girlfriend and her kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working! 5) Brother Kirt had a lot of emotional problems as a child. I remember he used to think he was a chicken. We never said anything about it because we needed the eggs.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 25th: Today is a day that you should take the time to acknowledge your parents, especially your mother. Mothers just seem to handle adversity well while still maintaining their composure. My Mom never uttered a swear word in her life until she learned to drive.

Birthdays: My friends Cathy and Jennifer - Happy Birthday ladies! 19XX, Antonio Gaudí architect 1852, Robert Henri painter 1865, George Abbott theatrical producer 1887, George Orwell pseudonym of Eric Arthur Blair, British novelist and essayist 1903, James Meredith, civil-rights leader 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night. You gotta love George.

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?'' Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, ''The doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane 12 - Tampax supersize!"

Somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom asking, "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

A woman wanted a face lift and her surgeon told her about a new procedure, "We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob." The woman says, "That sounds good."

Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that the dial is giving her bags under her eyes." The surgeon replies, I'm sorry, but those aren't bags. Those are your tits." The woman says, "Well, that explains the goatee."

That's it for today, my little buttercups. Remember, if at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. A trip to AREA 51 seems to be in order. I will follow my hunches.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

I Don't Need Glasses - I Drink Straight From The Bottle

Okay, I'm not blind, but my eyes aren't what they used to be. I wear glasses because I can't see far away or very close, but in that area where my eyeglass prescription kicks in, I can see better than a hawk wearing glasses.

What boggles my mind is how people with vision far worse than mine seem to go about life without complaining. Moreover, no matter how well I can see when the doctor corrects my vision with that stupid machine, I still can't see shit when I get new glasses.....unless what I'm looking at falls into that 10-12 foot area the size of the examination room.   

As a youth, I remember when it was said that you'd go blind if you did certain things in private. I figured I'd just go on until I needed glasses.

Of course, not being able to see completely clearly has its pros and cons. On the plus side, all the girls at the bar are prettier and the ones who don't see well seem to be attracted to me. On the negative side, it's a bitch trying to tie a lure on my fishing rod.

Overall, I guess I can't complain (although I intend to). Sometimes fuzzy and blurry are just as nice as a puppy or kitten.....or a racoon, as shown below in one of my favorite commercials.



The News As I See It: Hurricane Isaac is officially a Category 1 hurricane. It got so windy that gas stations needed three guys working outside — two to hold the ladder while the other guy climbed up to raise the gas prices.

Obama is seeking to make his case with first-time voters and I understand why. Second-time voters have graduated and can't find a job. Obama is brewing his own beer in the White House. Actually, White House beer is a lot like Obama — great buzz, weak finish.

The Republican convention was worried that it was going to be postponed or maybe completely canceled because of Hurricane Isaac. It was serious stuff. CNN was on full Blitzer.

Prince Harry ran around Las Vegas naked and Madonna was walking around naked in London. I think London got the better end of the deal.

Senator Harry Reid was asked him if Isaac reminded him of Katrina. He said, "I don't know, never even met the woman."

The Mars rover Curiosity took its first test drive on the surface of Mars. It traveled 15 feet. Apparently it wasn't that curious.
 

This Date In History: 1533; Atahualpa, the last ruler of the Incas, was murdered as Francisco Pizarro completed his conquest of Peru. 1786; Shays's rebellion, an insurrection of Massachusetts farmers against the state government, began. 1842; The Treaty of Nanking was signed, ending the Opium Wars and ceding the island of Hong Kong to Britain.

1877; Brigham Young died in Salt Lake City, Utah. 1949; The U.S.S.R. tested their first atomic bomb. 1957; Strom Thurmond ended the longest filibuster in U.S. Senate history. He spoke for more than 24 hours against a civil rights bill, which passed. 1966; The Beatles played their last major live concert at Candlestick Park, California.

1991; The Supreme Soviet, the parliament of the U.S.S.R., suspended all activities of the Communist Party, bringing an end to the institution. 2005; Hurricane Katrina slammed into the U.S. Gulf Coast, destroying beachfront towns in Mississippi and Louisiana, displacing a million people, and killing more than 1,000.

Picture Of The Day: I don't care what you say, that's funny !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Funny....I don't remember being absent-minded. 2) I have learned that as soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 3) Mid-life is when you start pondering the "big" questions like...What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? 4) Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it's complicated 5) I'm still playing with a full deck. I just shuffle slower these days. That's what happens when you hook up the golf course's sprinkler system to The Clapper before the tournament.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 29th: Remember that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. Do you really want to be drinking 8 glasses a day with that track record? If you pick yourself up by your shoe-strings today you are likely to fall flat on your ass. Test yourself today by walking around semi-nude, but remember that this will affect your chance of romance. 

Birthdays: John Locke, English philosopher, founder of British empiricism 1632, Jean Auguste Ingres, painter 1780, Ingrid Bergman actress 1915, Charlie Parker musician 1920, Dinah Washington singer 1924, Slobodan Milosevic political leader 1941.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude." George replied, "Harriet, she's a prostitute." Harriet said, "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" George said, "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for "Bambi" to come to room 1217. George said, "Now, you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" Bambi said, "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. He said, "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must be a real hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." George said, "Well, I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich."

The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man and woman were having sexual problems and she asked him to see his doctor. The man said to his doctor, "I'm having trouble getting aroused."

The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "Did you talk it over with your wide?" The man nods is head. The doctor asks, "What did you decide?" The man says, "We're going to re-model the kitchen."

The woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini into the deep. More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.

Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms, "Are you carrying puppies in there?" Not wanting to explain what had really happened, the woman replied, "Why yes, yes they are." She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away, I'll take the one with the pink nose!"

That's it for today, my little cotton pickers. Remember, a mime will never give you bad advice. I'm going over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !