M O N D A N E

I've always suspected that God has a sense of humor and I sometimes wonder if he ever got bored during creation. I mean that, although that's quite a bit of work to complete in seven proverbial days, there had to be some down time.

The first thing that comes to mind is the platypus. Here's a mammal with a duck's bill, an otter's body, a beaver's tail, webbed feet and lays eggs. Come on, don't you think that God must have been doubled over with laughter imagining how Darwin would handle this one.

A lot of people think that Deja Vu is something you have done before or relived in the past. In fact, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends. God created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. The reason God made man before woman was to give man time to think of an answer for her first question.

There's some other things that surely amuse the almighty, as well. Do you think it's just coincidence that the itch on your back is impossible to reach from any possible angle? Yes, my friends, God definitely has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to Wal-Mart and just take a look at the people.

The News As I See It: A cruise line is going to recreate the voyage of the Titanic. The 12-night journey will begin at Southampton on April 8th 2012, and reach the site of the disaster on the night of April 14th-15th - exactly 100 years on from the moment calamity struck. What could possibly go wrong?

Vice President Joe Biden told The New York Times that President Obama has asked him to run again in 2012. The bad news? Nobody is asking Obama to run again yet.

Starting in January, couples can actually get married at McDonald’s in Hong Kong. I’m not saying those marriages won’t work, but when have you been to a McDonald’s and not regretted it one hour later?

One of the 33 Chilean miners revealed that they all joked about cannibalism while they were trapped. He was like, "If you don't believe me, ask the 34th guy — I mean . . . never mind."

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is that you cannot post: "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

This Date In History: 1685; Louis XIV revoked the Edict of Nantes. 1767; The boundary between Maryland and Pennsylvania, the Mason-Dixon line, was agreed upon. 1867; The United States took possession of Alaska from Russia. 1912; The first Balkan War broke out.

1931; Inventor Thomas Alva Edison died in West Orange, N.J., at age 84. 1968; The U.S. Olympic Committee suspended two black athletes for giving a "black power" salute during a victory ceremony at the Mexico City games.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop gang has been asleep at the wheel so I had to turn to my other sources for today's pictures. Thankfully, I have a plethora of animal pics in my portfolio and they seemed to fit right in.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste. 2) It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. 3) I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 4) Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 5) Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Going to war without France is like going duck hunting without your accordion.

Birthdays: Edward Winslow, founders of Plymouth Colony 1595, Canaletto, Venetian painter 1697, King Mongkut, royalty 1804, Lotte Lenya, singer and actress 1898, Pierre Elliott Trudeau, former Prime Minister 1919, Chuck Berry, American rock music guitarist, singer, and songwriter 1926.

George C. Scott, actor 1927, Mike Ditka, football 1939, Lee Harvey Oswald, presumed assassin 1939, Ntozake Shange, writer 1948, Martina Navratilova, tennis player 1956, Jean-Claude Van Damme, pseudo actor 1960, Wynton Marsalis, trumpeter, bandleader, and composer 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture,' but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she's finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he's finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge and feel free to call the USA anytime. Putin goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky.

The old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle, took a big drink and took the bottle with him. The old man whispered, "Lord have mercy, he's gonna be a politician!"

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. The speaker said, "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up. The speaker continued, "Okay, that's pretty good. Have any of you ever, uh, been 'intimate' with a ghost?"

In the back of the room, an old man raided his hand. The speaker blinks and says, "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had *sexual* contact with a ghost?" The old man suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said goat!"

That's it for today my little goblins. Remember, people can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

I May Have Already Won 10 Million Dollars !

I'm looking forward to November 30th because Publisher's Clearing House told me I may have already won 10 million dollars. It couldn't have come at a better time because I'm nearly broke. The fact that PCH has settled a probe into its mailings for $3.5 million and signed an agreement to hire an ombudsman to review its solicitations, does not damper my enthusiasm. In fact, some of my democratic friends are so confident that the economy is rebounding that they're shopping around for pots to piss in.

PCH will boost efforts to make sure consumers are informed that a purchase does not increase their chances of winning. The company will also send a letter to consumers who spend more than $1,000 on magazine orders in a single year stating that most contest winners did not order magazines. This only reaffirms my investment logic.

These people should have been smarter and mailed their unwanted "jew-ler-ry" to Cash4Gold. They could have easily purchased most of their magazine subscriptions with the $37.53 that the completely honest Cash$Gold owners would have mailed them.

The PCH agreement settles a probe by 31 states and the District of Columbia. Washington State’s attorney general begins its press release on the settlement this way: "If dreams of instant riches have you buying stacks of magazines in the hope that the Prize Patrol will soon knock on your door, you may be disheartened to know that the only thing you’ve gained over other prize contestants is some reading material."

I'm unsure why everyone doesn't jump on all of these great opportunities. If they could elect a president on the American Idol theory, surely they would want to become a millionaire. In fact, in their application for unemployment and food stamps, they should use the same answer as our politicians do....

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: Yes, I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

The News As I See It: The rescued Chilean miners were sent to the hospital for observation, except for the one with the wife and the mistress. He went straight to the witness protection program. The rest of the miners were finally able to update their Facebook status to "not trapped in a mine."

The White House said that the Democrats have "the momentum" going into midterm elections. Of course you also have momentum when you’re going downhill fast.

Vice President Joe Biden told The New York Times that President Obama has already asked him to be his running mate in 2012. Not only that — he said that Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, and the rest of the Republicans also asked him to be Obama's running mate in 2012.

For the first time in history, there were 100,000 home foreclosures in the month of September — 100,000 people were told they’re going to lose their house. Well....100,001 if you count Nancy Pelosi.

California Gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown's campaign is in trouble for allegedly calling his opponent Meg Whitman a "whore." Of course, now real whores are upset with Brown because they don't want to be mixed up in politics. There are some things they just won't do.

The Obama administration has lifted the six-month ban on deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, provided that the oil companies follow the new safety regulations. For example, there has to be at least one sober person on the rig at all times. Good news just prior to the November elections. Is that lucky timing or what?

This Date In History: 1860; Eleven-year-old Grace Bedell of Westfield, N.Y., wrote a letter to presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln, suggesting he could improve his appearance by growing a beard. 1914; With the support of President Wilson, the Clayton Antitrust Act, which made it illegal for companies to buy competitors' stock, was passed.

1917; Mata Hari, World War I spy, was executed by a firing squad in Vincennes, France. 1951; I Love Lucy, starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, had its television debut. 1964; It was announced that Nikita Khruschev was removed from his positions as premier and secretary of the Communist Party of the USSR.

1966; The U.S. Department of Transportation was created. 1989; Wayne Gretzky topped Gordie Howe's NHL scoring record. 1991; Clarence Thomas got a narrow (52–48) Senate confirmation of his nomination to the Supreme Court. 2003; China became the third country to launch a staffed space mission.

Picture Of The Day: Ok folks, the ride's over. We hope you enjoyed the ride and will continue your stay here in Disney World Chile. The photoshop gang is now in charge of your next ride.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends. 2) To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows political potential. 3) Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk. 4) Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them. 5) I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it......and that's five !

Birthdays: Helen Hunt Jackson, writer 1830, Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, philosopher 1844, Edith Bolling Galt Wilson, U.S. First Lady 1872, C. P. Snow, author and physicist 1905, Hiram Leong Fong, politician 1906, John Kenneth Galbraith, economist 1908, Arthur Schlesinger Jr., historian and public official 1917, Mario Puzo, novelist 1920, Lee Iacocca, business executive 1924, Michel Foucault, philosopher and historian 1926, Penny Marshall, actress, director 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two elderly gentlemen, Morris and Murray, were sitting on a park bench on North Avenue. After a while, Morris said, "By the way, Murray, how's your wife?" Murray replied, "I think she's dead." Morris said, "What do you mean, you think she dead?" Murray said, "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Cesar and Espi and Pat in the U.K. for their contributions to today's stories.

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" The old man said, "Yes, I do. After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly. Then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time and then, hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?" She replied, "Yeah! That's because the old bastard's first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia-South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk got out and watched the performance briefly. Then, he went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stutterer and Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water right here on my desk. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up,"B-B-B-B-B-B-B-irmingham", he said. "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley." The speech therapist said, "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish."

The speech therapist said, "How about you, Paddy?" The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, "London". The speech thereapist said, "Brilliant, Paddy!" and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said....."-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry."

Th-th-that's it for today my little jelly beans. Remember, the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. I hope Olive Oyl isn't at happy hour in AREA 51 this evening. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Mister Potato Head Turns 60 This Year (No, Not Joe Biden)

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 5000 man elite fighting unit from the South. The Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Tennessee, Louisiana, Texas and West Virginia soldiers will be dropped into Afghanistan.

These brave soldiers have been given the following facts about Terrorists: 1) The season opened today. 2) There is no limit. 3) They taste just like chicken. 4) They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5) They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. I figure the mess in Afghanistan should be over in about a week.

Felicidades and congratulations to Chile and all of the people involved in the continuing rescue of the 33 trapped miners. It is a beautiful and amazing feat.

Free Credit Score (dot) com has a new and very exciting new band for its' new commercials. Unfortunately, the site is still a scam. This site, along with Free Credit Report (dot) com is merely a way to get you to submit information and the end result is a monthly charge to your credit card.

Free Credit Reports - Federal Trade Commission TV ads, email offers, or online search results may tout "free" credit reports, but there is only one authorized source for a truly free credit report (Click the link to find out more).

The News As I See It: New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie canceled a tunnel they were digging from New Jersey into New York. Apparently, New Yorkers found out about it.

It’s being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September...and that’s just people leaving the White House. The White House is becoming like "Dancing With the Stars." Every week, someone is voted off.

According to researchers at Ohio State University, sleeping with the light on may cause obesity....especially if it's the refrigerator light.

Odds and Ends: Charlie the smoking chimpanzee passed away. Let this be a warning for all you teenage chimps. A man was arrested for streaking at President Obama’s rally in Philadelphia. Thankfully, the police were able to restrain and clothe Joe Biden. Monday was Canadian Thanksgiving Day. On this day, Canadians gather with their families to give thanks that Celine Dion moved to Las Vegas.

This Date In History: 1775; The Continental Congress authorized the construction of a naval fleet. 1792; The cornerstone of the White House was laid. 1843; The Jewish organization B'nai B'rith was founded. 1903; Boston defeated Pittsburgh in the first World Series.

1943; Italy declared war on Germany, its former Axis partner, during World War II. 1974; Ed Sullivan died in New York City at age 72. 1981; Egypt's vice president Hosni Mubarak was elected president, one week after Anwar Sadat's assassination.

Picture Of The Day: Mr. Potato Head turned 60 this year. Brooklyn-born toy inventor George Lerner came up with the idea of inserting small, pronged body and face parts into fruits and vegetables to create a "funny face man." Lerner would often take potatoes from his mother's garden and using various other fruits and vegetables as facial features, he would make dolls with which his younger sisters could play. The grape-eyed, carrot-nosed, potato-headed dolls became the principal idea behind the plastic toy which would later be manufactured.

Mr. Potato Head was first put out by Hasbro, but only the parts, not the body. Yes, the original had you sticking things into real potatoes! That's why the toy proved controversial - with the war and food rationing a recent memory for most Americans, the use of fruits and vegetables to make toys was considered irresponsible and wasteful. Hasbro started selling it with the body only in the 60s.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend told his psychiatrist that he was thinking about suicide. The psychiatrist told him from now on he has to pay in advance. 2) Years ago, I went to a hotel in Lake Tahoe and I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! 3) Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide." 4) My friend's wife made him join a bridge club. He jumps off next Tuesday. 5) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be......and that's five !

Birthdays: Rudolf Virchow, pathologist 1821, Mary Kingsley, explorer 1862, Art Tatum, jazz pianist 1910, Yves Montand, actor, singer 1921, Margaret Thatcher, British political leader 1925, Simon, Musician 1941, Kelly Preston, actress 1962, Jerry Rice, football player 1962, Nancy Kerrigan, figure skater 1969, Ashanti, singer, actor 1980, Ian Thorpe, swimmer 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man with tickets to the Super Bowl finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. The man says, "No, the seat is empty." The stranger said, "That's incredible. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1976."

The stranger replies, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head and says, "No, they're all at the funeral."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. She asked, "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" Her father replied, "They're mating," The daughter asked, "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Her father said, "That's a Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl said, "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Her father replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot, stomped them flat and said, "Well, that might be okay in California, but we're not having any of that Brokeback shit in Texas!"

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "Mommy, I weas at the playground and....." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

That's it for today my little chicken wings. Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. It's hump day and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

The Old Miner

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you're gonna learn to dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but, I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here: 1) Never be arrogant. 2) Don't waste ammunition. 3) Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. 4) Always, always make sure you know who has the power. 5) Don't mess with old folks, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

The News As I See It: A record number of couples got married on Sunday, because the date was October 10, 2010, or 10/10/10. If the date 10/10/10 is the reason you got married, good luck with your upcoming divorce on 11/11/11.

According to the National Institute of Health, as people age, their brains respond less strongly to rewards. They say older people become less excited when they win something. Whoever did this study has never seen a bingo game.

The Obama administration announced that they deported a record 392,000 illegal immigrants in the past year. Most of those were deported on a Friday. This way they got to spend a wonderful weekend in Mexico with their families before returning on Monday.

Rihanna revealed this week that she texts Lady Gaga before major events to make sure they don’t wear the same outfit. Can you imagine that conversation? It’s like, "Hey Gaga, are you wearing the blue satin dress tonight or are you gonna wear the cold-cut platter from Blimpie?"

This Date In History: 1779; Polish patriot and American Revolutionary War commander Casimir Pulaski was killed in the battle of Savannah. 1899; The Boer War began in South Africa. 1915; English nurse Edith Cavell was executed by the Germans. 1939; A letter from Albert Einstein was delivered to President Franklin D. Roosevelt concerning the possibility of atomic weapons.

1962; The first session of Vatican II was convened by Pope John XXIII. 1968; The first staffed Apollo mission, Apollo 7, was launched with astronauts Wally Schirra, Donn Fulton Eisele, and R. Walter Cunningham aboard. 1984; Space shuttle Challenger astronaut, Kathryn Sullivan, became the first American woman to walk in space.

During a recent Blogger password audit, it was discovered that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Picture Of The Day: Cowboys, the backbone of the American west, are today's theme. Of course, a lot of people become cowboys when it's convenient, but sooner or later, every cowboy gets to taste the dust.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works! 2) When you see people write really long things on a napkin, do you ever think to yourself, "Would that fit better on a paper towel?" 3) Hey, I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's! 4) I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. 5) My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"?.....and that's five !

Birthdays: H. J. Heinz, food manufacturer 1844, Eleanor Roosevelt, American humanitarian and First Lady 1884, Charles Revson, cosmetics industry executive 1906, Joseph Alsop, political journalist 1910, Jerome Robbins, choreographer 1918, Elmore Leonard, writer 1925, Steve Young, football player 1961, Joan Cusack, comic actress 1962, Luke Perry, actor 1966, Michelle Wie, golfer 1989.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk looks at the cowboy and says, "Congratulations! Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy replied, "Naw, thanks. I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in and screamed, "What the hell is this?" The artist said, "It's exactly what you asked for."

The billionaire said, "No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!" The artist replied, "And there you have it. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f**king Indians.'"

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves and bailing hay, so I guess I am a cowboy."

The woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

That's it for today my little gunslingers. Remember, if at first you don't succeed, go back and destroy all evidence that you even tried! More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !