It's Last Minute Christmas Shopping Week - Let The Chaos Begin !

It's last minute Christmas shopping week which means that most women are putting their finishing touches on a well planned shopping season and most men will be wandering around the malls without even the slightest clue as to what they will purchase for their spouses or girlfriends or both.

For weeks now, most men have probed and questioned any and all family members in a vain attempt to get a suggestion as to what gift to purchase for their spouses. In some cases, women, who have experienced and witnessed the hapless husband's quandary, have just given up any hope of a spontaneous thought by their husbands and told them exactly what to purchase, complete with brand name, color, size and store location.

Although most men's hearts are in the right place, shopping for presents, especially for their spouses, is nearly an impossible task. Many have tried but after experiencing "the look" a few times, most men just give up and look for any hints or help they can find. Truth be told, most men would just rather give cash and go have a beer in AREA 51.

For your dining and dancing pleasure, Jimmy's Journal has scheduled a lunar eclipse for early tomorrow morning. Okay, I didn't arrange it but as many as 1.5 billion people worldwide will be able to watch when the Earth's shadow creeps across the moon's surface early Tuesday morning, the first time in hundreds of years that a lunar eclipse will fall on the winter solstice.

With the full moon high in the winter sky, the lunar eclipse will be visible from four continents, with the best views from North America and Central America if weather permits. The eclipse begins on Tuesday at 1:33 a.m. ET, when the Earth's dark-red shadow will turn up on the edge of the moon, according to NASA. It will take about an hour for the shadow to cover the entire moon. Totality begins at 2:41 a.m. and lasts for 72 minutes.

If you only have time for a quick look, NASA recommends that you take a peek 3:17 a.m. ET. That's when the moon will be fully covered in an amber light. Actually, on my weekly jaunts to AREA 51, that's about the time when I'm usually covered in amber light, as well.

The News As I See It: Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it's even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door.

President Obozo showed up 20 minutes late to a press conference. It was the longest he's kept everyone waiting — well, unless you count the past two years.

Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills?

Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people who feel they’re not getting enough radiation from the body scanners. It’s the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey.

It was so cold in Minneapolis last week that Quarterback Brett Favre was texting pictures of his chestnuts roasting over an open fire.

This Date In History: 1790; Samuel Slater built the nation's first cotton mill in Pawtucket, R.I. 1803; The United States purchased the Louisiana territory from France for $15 million. 1860; South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union.

1968; Author John Steinbeck died at age 66. 1989; The United States invaded Panama and installed a new government but failed to capture General Manuel Antonio Noriega. 1996; Astronomer Carl Sagan died at age 62.

Picture Of The Day: A difficult day for finding suitable pictures so I hope you enjoy today's selections. I think the photoshop gang is out looking for Christmas presents for their wives and girlfriends.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture. 2) A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. 3) A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. 4) A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. 5) A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. ......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: You tell a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil!

Birthdays: My pal, Missy. Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Thomas Graham, chemist 1805, Harvey Samuel Firestone, industrialist 1868, Branch Rickey, American baseball executive 1881, Hazel Hotchkiss Wightman, athlete 1886, Susanne K. Langer, philosopher 1895, Sidney Hook, philosopher 1902, Jenny Agutter, actor 1952.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?" The husband replied, "Yep, In-laws."

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said to the priest, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main Street, he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. The reverend said. "Mrs. Fitzgerald, this is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" Mrs. Fitzgerald, obviously very drunk, said with a slur, "Sure!"

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded and said, "Well then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

That's it for today my little chestnuts. Remember, a hug is a great gift. One size fits all, and it's easy to exchange. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

And A Partridge In A Pear Tree

Well, next Friday is Christmas Eve which means tonight is the final Friday happy hour before Christmas. I'm guessing that tonight the beer halls will be decked with boughs of Holly, Susie and Maria and a lot party people as well, so you know where I'm going.

Although the Christmas spirit is alive and well, most happy hour patrons will drink to Potato Week, so a theme in not necessary. Nevertheless, I sure everyone will be in the Christmas spirit. It's Karaoke night so I'm assuming that later on on the evening, some semi-inebriated soul will attempt to sing "The Twelve Days Of Christmas. I can't wait until he gets to the part about the "partridge in a pair of peas."

So, I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour and see if I can find the nine ladies dancing and avoid the eight maids a milking and the ten lords a leaping....

The News As I See It: 7-Eleven has announced that they are going to start selling their own brand of wine. This is for people who find the idea of buying wine at Walmart too pretentious.

According to a new Rasmussen poll, only 23 percent say America is heading in the right direction. In Mexico, it's different. There, 77 percent say the right direction is heading to America.

Al-Qaida is planning Christmas attacks in the U.S. and Europe. The U.S. government sprang into action and told al-Qaida, "Hey, you cannot call them Christmas attacks, you have to call them holiday attacks."

Two feet of snow in the Midwest. But the good news is, these are the first shovel-ready jobs Obozo has come up with since becoming president.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work.

President Obozo met with the CEOs of top companies about creating more jobs for Americans. After the meeting, the CEOs went home to China.

This Date In History: 1777; France recognized American independence. 1903;
Orville and Wilbur Wright made the first flight in a heavier-than-air plane at Kitty Hawk, N.C. 1944; The U.S. Army announced the end of its policy of holding Japanese-Americans in internment camps, allowing "evacuees" to return home.

1969; The U.S. Air Force ended its "Project Blue Book" and concluded that there was no evidence of extraterrestrial activity behind UFO sightings. 1992; North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) signed by U.S., Canada, and Mexico. 2010; Nothing actually happened yet today. I just needed one more event to fill out this paragraph.

Picture Of The Day: It's sort of an eclectic theme today. I started out trying to find pictures of "The Twelve Days Of Christmas" and things just got out of hand.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult. 2) Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice. 3) Miami's a wonderful city although some of its citizens are very rude. I went to the library yesterday and said, "I'd like a card." The librarian said, "You have to prove you're a citizen of Miami." So I stabbed him. 4) If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. 5) I can't remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll. I think it was called "Rumpled Foreskin"......and that's five !

Birthdays: Sir Humphry Davy, chemist, physicist 1778, John Greenleaf Whittier, American Poet 1807, W.L. Mackenzie King, political leader 1874, Arthur Fiedler, conductor 1894, Sylvia Ashton-Warner, novelist and educator 1905, William L. Safire, journalist 1929, Milla Jovovich, model, actress, and singer 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island for ten long years.One day he sees a ship on the horizon and starts waving his arms until the ship heads for the shore. The captain of the ship and the man began talking. "I thought I'd never get rescued." The captain asks, "How long have you been here?" The man replies, "Ten years." The captain says, "How have you coped with all that time alone?"

The man said, "Well I'm a very resourceful fellow. I built a house, learned to hunt and fish." The captain said, "But ten years without sex?" The man replied, "Not completely. About six months ago I was down here on the shore when I noticed an ostrich with it's head in the sand. I crept up behind it and ..."

The captain exclaimed, "Oh you poor man, that must have been horrible." The man replied, "Well it was fine for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the local emergency room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda in Washington and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces a ll over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

One day, a husband decided to go to a pet store and get his wife a bird for Christmas. He knew she loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this would be the perfect gift for her. He goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, it's a bird named Chet who sings.

The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet sings Christmas carols, and says he'll show him. The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells."

The husband is delighted and asks, "Does Chet sing anything else?" So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing, "White Christmas." The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet.

He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells." The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "White Christmas."

The wife is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?" The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Next year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day.It is an ironic juxtaposition of events; one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.

That's it for today my little elves. Remember, marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51 for some happy hour Christmas cheer. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

I Met Her At Macy's. She Was Shopping. I Was Putting Slinkies On The Escalator.

For some inane reason, I went to the mall yesterday, ostensibly to buy a pair of jeans. I don't like to shop, especially during the Christmas holidays, but somehow, I managed to forget that it's "the season." My first clue that it was a bad idea was when I got into my car and the dash thermometer read 42 degrees.

Further indications that should have set off mental alarms was the incredibly crowded parking lot, people overloaded with Christmas gifts and the groups of droopy-drawered thugs on the prowl. Still incredibly unaware, the intelligence light in my dimly lit cranium finally turned on and I realized I was at the mall at Christmas time.

Understand that I completed my Christmas shopping in early November for the simple reason that I like to avoid the malls during the holidays. Yet, there I was, old-timers disease fully engaged, walking among people, who at best, are completely out of their minds.

I made a feeble attempt to find the jeans that I wanted, but it's Christmas time and the only jeans that I could find would only fit elves or sumo wrestlers. Although I knew I could probably find some jeans in other stores, I decided that I'd get my jeans in January.

It's been a while since I've been to the mall during the holidays but the crowds and chaos only reinforced my thoughts about holiday shopping. I mean, it was so busy, I had to ride stand-by on the escalator. The people were all so rude. I was pushed, I was shoved, I was groped, I was fondled.....and I’m going back tomorrow.

The News As I See It: President Obozo is into re-gifting. In fact, he just gave the Republicans the tax cuts he inherited from President Bush. 'Da prez couldn't decide whether to put white Christmas lights or red and green Christmas lights up. Why not just ask the Republicans? They'll tell you what to do.

Since it's the holiday travel season and everyone is on edge, when the TSA agents have their hands in your pants, don't be surprised if they leave a candy cane.

A new food bill has been signed into law. It’s part of our war against donuts. After signing the law, President Obozo said our government shows it is serious about setting a good example for children’s health. Then he went outside to smoke a cigarette.

7-Eleven is about to start selling their own brand of wine. That's not new. They had 7-eleven wine when I was in high school. We called it Robitussin.

WikiLeaks supporters have hacked into Sarah Palin's credit card information after she criticized Julian Assange. Sarah said she's very upset, and hopes all suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated.

Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year. Cheney’s up in Whoville, stealing Christmas.

This Date In History: 1791; The Bill of Rights took effect with Virginia's ratification of it. 1890; Sioux Indian chief Sitting Bull was killed by Native American police. 1916; The French defeated the Germans in the Battle of Verdun. 1939 The movie Gone With the Wind premiered in Atlanta, Georgia.

1944; Band leader Glenn Miller disappeared in a plane crash over the English Channel. 1961; Adolf Eichmann was sentenced to death by an Israeli court for organizing the deportation of Jews to concentration camps. 1964; Canada adopted its national flag, a red maple leaf on a white background.

1966; Animated-cartoon pioneer and movie producer Walt Disney died in Los Angeles. 199; A demonstration that turned into a popular uprising in Romania began the downfall of Nicolae Ceausescu.

Picture Of The Day: One good thing about the Christmas holidays, there's no shortage of wanna-be Santas. A few of them may be of questionable character.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When an octopus puts on deodorant, how does he remember where he started? 2) Suppose you were an asshole and suppose you were a member of Congress. Hmmm.....redundant! 3) Next month is the National Schizophrenics Convention. Anybody who's everybody will be there! 4) Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam. 5) A chicken coop always has two doors If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.......and that's five !

Birthdays: George Romney, portrait painter 1734, Franklin Benjamin Sanborn, journalist and philanthropist 1831, Gustave Eiffel French engineer 1832, J. Paul Getty, business executive 1892, Muriel Rukeyser, poet 1913, Edna O'Brien, writer 1932, Don Johnson, actor 1949, Adam Brody, actor 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." The rejected applicant asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct." The manager said, "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed"

The rejected applicant asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager said, "Simple. Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.

A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?" The Avon Lady said, "I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" The man answered, "Like someone shit a Christmas tree."

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.

The guy pleads, "Go get help." She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.

When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss, he's too far in."

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" The sinner replies, "A new woman in the neighborhood." The priest sighs and says, "Very well, go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits, her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

That's it for today my little fruit cakes. Remember, the next time you feel like complaining, keep in mind that your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. It's hump day and a good reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

No One Is Listening Until You Fart !

I don't really mind getting older and, in fact, it has some rewards. There are, however, some drawbacks. Yes, my little flatulists, I'm talking about the horrors of involuntary farts. As a young man, the ability to fart timely, whether sparing nearby loved ones of certain death or used as a weapon, was a major (you'll pardon the expression) asset.

Yeah, on any given day, I can get dressed, go out and roll with the younger crowd but I am finding I have to be careful. I have learned to try to suppress my coughs or sneezes in social conditions because they are always accompanied by the complimentary fart. Standing up, sitting down, bending over or lifting a heavy package always include the involuntary fart. The only place that it has not happened yet is the boudoir but I'm relatively sure it's just a matter of time.

The side effects of aging and the comments that come with it don't affect me. I have even noticed that it becomes humorous when applied to other seniors. I once complimented a friend on his new alligator shoes and then realized he was barefoot. My stockbroker urged me to buy a certain stock that would triple its value every year. I told him at my age I don't even buy green bananas.

Probably the best reaction of an accidental fart comes from my cat, Shithead (Possum S. Hemmingway). Some times he sits up and looks around wondering where the noise came from. Other times, he just turns and looks at me with a sneer. Just to be fair, Mr. Hemmingway is quite prone to sit on my lap and silenty discharge his own attack without the decency to tell me. We both laugh anyway.....

The News As I See It: Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner had to go to the hospital last Friday because of a kidney stone. On the bright side, the stone was the first thing in months passed by a member of the Obama administration.

Georgie "Dubya" Bush’s daughter, Jenna just put her home in Baltimore on the market for $500,000. The real estate agent said, "I just want to warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by....uh, someone."

A couple in Toronto had their Facebook friends vote on the name of their newborn daughter. So congratulations to the couple and their baby girl, "Like."

This Date In History: 1642; New Zealand was discovered by Dutch navigator Abel Tasman. 1918; President Wilson arrived in France, becoming the first U.S. president to visit Europe while in office. 1978; The U.S. Mint began stamping the Susan B. Anthony dollar, the first U.S. coin honoring a woman.

1981; The Polish government imposed martial law in an attempt to crush the Solidarity movement. 1989; South African President F. W. de Klerk met with Nelson Mandela for the first time. 1996: Kofi Annan of Ghana chosen to become UN secretary-general.

2000; George W. Bush accepted presidency 36 days after election; Al Gore, Jr., conceded. 2003; American forces captured Saddam Hussein who was hiding in a hole near his hometown of Tikrit.

Picture Of The Day: You know it's a slow Monday when I'm searching the Internet for fart pictures. I began the search using the term "flatulence" but I had to lower the standard for the hard on understanding. The minute I changed the search to "fart pictures" the monitor screen came to life. Ok, it's not (ahem) rocket science but it amuses me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A tree fell in the forest. A man didn't hear it. He's dead now. 2) My friend bought her christmas tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. 3) I remember my first day of school. My parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes. 4) Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. 5) A tree never hits an automobile, except in self-defense.......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: I looked up my ex-mother-in-law's family tree. Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it.

Birthdays: My pal Janelle. Happy Birthday Sweetie! 19XX, Heinrich Heine, poet 1797, Werner von Siemens, electrical engineer and inventor 1816, Emily Carr, painter 1871, Ella Baker, civil rights activist 1903, Archie Moore, prizefighter 1913, Ross Macdonald, novelist 1915, Dick Van Dyke, actor 1925, Ted Nugent, rock musician 1948, Steve Buscemi, actor 1957, Jamie Foxx, actor 1967, Amy Lee, singer 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A came home and told his wife, "Guess what I heard in the bar? They reckon the postman has made love to every woman in this street except one." His wife said, "I'll bet it's that stuck up Phyllis who lives on the corner."

One night, a man and his grownchildren were sitting in the living room and he said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So the kids got up, unplugged his computer and threw out his beer.

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve. They had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

All of his life George from Minnesota had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Fred took a boat out to the middle of the lake.

George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Fred managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Granny, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

Some people are against drunk driving but, you know, sometimes you've just got no choice, those kids gotta get to school.

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh?"

The clerk says, "Well no." The man raged on, "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk replied, "Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?' The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" The bartender replied, "It's a Pabst Smir."

That's it for today my little snowflakes. Remember, As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

I Can't Dial 911 Because There's No 11 On My Phone

I got a new BlackBerry cell phone yesterday. I got fed up with my LG touch screen on Wednesday, so I called AT&T and they shipped me the BlackBerry yesterday. The reason I dumped the LG is that I couldn't really see the screen outside in daylight hours and it was basically useless in those conditions.

I get along fairly well with computers and electronics, but patience is not one of my biggest virtues. So, I perused the instructions and activated my new BlackBerry. About an hour later, I finally figured how to make a call. If I had taken a little more time reading the instructions, I could have made the call in five minutes.

Nevertheless, I have slowly but surely got a grasp on how the BlackBerry works and I'm quite pleased with it thus far. Granted, at this point in time, I can only make calls, send texts and take pictures, but quite frankly, the rest of what the phone has to offer is just gravy. It took me a while to get accustomed to the LG and I'm sure it will take me a few weeks to totally grasp how the Blackberry works. In the interim, at least I can see what I'm doing in the sunlight.

The News As I See It: The Secret Service is very concerned about keeping our nation's secrets from any future WikiLeaks spies so they're going to store them where President Obama stores his college transcripts and birth certificate.

A recent report reveals that the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C. Republicans can only turn right, Democrats can only turn left, and Obama is weaving all over the place.

According to a recent poll, the majority of women say they don’t need presents and they just look forward to spending time with their mates on Christmas. Look out, guys, it’s a trick.

WalMart is now considering selling wine from vending machines. As a precaution, the machine requires that you swipe your drivers license first. If you're buying wine from a vending machine, what are the odds you still have a drivers license?

Odds and Ends: New York City taxi drivers are being told to start racially profiling their passengers. They’re supposed to report anyone that looks like them. Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone hidden underneath his prison mattress. Guards became suspicious after Manson started wearing a Bluetooth earphone.

This Date In History: 1816; Indiana became the 19th state. 1844; Nitrous oxide was used for the first time in dentistry. 1936; King Edward VIII abdicated the throne of Britain for the woman he loved, Mrs. Wallis Simpson. 1941; Germany and Italy declared war on the United States.

1946; The United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) was established. 1994; Russian troops invaded Chechnya in an unsuccessful attempt to restore Moscow's power in the region. 1997; Housing secretary Henry Cisneros was indicted for conspiracy, obstructing justice, and false statements to the FBI.

Picture Of The Day: My pal, Dutch, sent me this rare picture of the future Beatles taken in 1957. I've never seen this one before and I though you might like to see it as well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros. 2) Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village. 3) How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 4) Practice safe snacking. Always use condiments. 5) Someone once said that love makes the world go 'round. Well, I just had to laugh in their face because, everyone knows that what makes the world go 'round is a mutant gerbil on a treadmill.......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: An old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person.

Birthdays: Sir David Brewster, physicist and natural philosopher 1781, Louis-Hector Berlioz, composer 1803, Robert Koch, bacteriologist 1843, Annie Jump Cannon, astronomer 1863, Fiorello Henry LaGuardia, mayor of New York City 1882, Naguib Mahfouz, novelist 1911, Carlo Ponti, producer 1912, Willie Mae Thornton, blues singer 1926, John F. Kerry, politician 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, because they are so sour they make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. The pharmacist asked, "How many do you want?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The old fellow said, "It doesn't matter. I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't piss on my shoes."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals, Pat in the U.K., Dutch and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

An old man was at the mall one other day eating at the food court. He noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Yeah, I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Two elderly gentlemen, Johnny and Jack, were sitting on a bench under a tree when Johnny turns to Jack and says, "Jack, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Jack says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." Johnny says, "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" Jack says, "Yep, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just shit my pants."

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "What did he say?" The other one replied, "He said we have to sit on the sofa." The photographer said, "Now get a little closer together." The deaf sister said, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "He says we have to squeeze together." So they wiggled up close to each other.

The photographer said "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little." The deaf sister asked, "What did he say?" Her sister answered, "He says he just going to focus?" The deaf twin shouted out, "Oh my God! Both of us?"

That's it for today my little nanny goats. Remember, as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !