Hu's On First ?

One of my lady friends called me today while I was watching the American-Chinese press conference. I said, "Let me call you later, I'm listening to Hu speak." She said, "Who?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Who are you listening to?" I said, "President Hu." She said, "Who?!" I said, "Correct." She hung up. Hey Abbot.........!

Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. It was a gathering of the world’s most powerful communist — and the president of China. There was a really awkward moment when the Chinese president met President Obama’s daughters and asked them, "So what factories do you kids work at?" Ahead of the big state dinner tonight, President Obozo went to Hu’s hotel and slipped a menu under the door.

The News As I See It: According to TMZ, Charlie Sheen was partying in Las Vegas again on Monday. But to be fair, everybody celebrates Martin Luther King Day differently.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says that being governor of California cost him at least $200 million in lost movie roles. Movie-goers everywhere say it was worth it.

Two credit rating firms say the U.S. credit rating has remained steady at AAA. Aren’t we like $14 trillion in debt? I think LOL would be more like it.

The Republican National Committee elected Reince Priebus as their new chairman. Isn't that the name of a car?

The Golden Globe top honors went to the Facebook movie, "The Social Network." I think it won because it got the most "likes."

This Date In History: 1915; The electric neon sign was patented in the United States by George Claude of Paris, France. 1953; Lucy Ricardo gave birth to baby Ricky on I Love Lucy. More people tuned in to watch the show than the inauguration of President Eisenhower.

1955; President Eisenhower okayed the first filming of a news conference for television. 1966; Indira Gandhi was elected prime minister of India. 1981; The United States and Iran signed an agreement paving the way for the release of 52 Americans held hostage for more than 14 months.

1997; Yasser Arafat returned to Hebron for the first time in 30 years, as Israel hands over control of the West Bank city to Palestinians. 2001; President Clinton admitted he made false statements under oath about Monica Lewinsky.

Picture Of The Day: It was another one of those "I can't find any decent pictures" day but I did run across this baby Panda in it's mother's arms and I thought it was cute.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) 99% of all lawyers and politicians give the rest a bad name. 2) A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for. 3) Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 4) Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. Oops, redundant. 5) It is no longer politically correct to say Lesbian. They are now called Vagitarians.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Capricorn January 19th: Although you have been getting gradually more and more tired over the last few days, you'll find new energy this weekend. Silver foil can make a good hat, however, it can also be used as a sheathe should you find yourself lucky during lunch. Discarded sandwiches may prove lucky for any local tramps. God may try to speak to you today through a kitchen appliance.

Birthdays: Sister Jeanne. Happy Birthday, Sis 19XX, James Watt, inventor 1736, Isaiah Thomas, patriot and printer 1749, Robert E. Lee, general 1807, Edgar Allan Poe, American writer 1809, Henry Bessemer, engineer and inventor 1813, Paul Cezanne, painter 1839, Alexander Woollcott, author, critic 1887, Patricia Highsmith, writer 1921, Tippi Hedren, actress 1935, Janis Joplin, singer 1943 Dolly Parton, entertainer 1946, Jim Morris, baseball player 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yeah, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady says "No, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so."

The young fellow asked, "That's it?" His grandfather said, "No, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." The young fellow asked, "What's oral sex?" Grandpa says, "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'"

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today." The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, a man sitting next to her said, "Happy birthday ma'am. I'd like to buy you a drink, as well." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water." The bartender said, "Coming right up."

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

That's it for today my little hush puppies. Remember, honesty may be the best policy, but by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. I think I'll mosey on over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

What's Your Sign?

Well, that does it ! All these years, I have been told that I'm a Taurus. Now, according to the new Zodiac charts, it seems that I am an Aries. No offense, but I don't want to be an Aries. It also seems that I am on the cusp between Aries and Taurus, so chances are I'm a Clitaurus.

Frankly, I don't believe in the Zodiac, but, back in the day, one of the starter conversations at the disco bars was "What is your sign?" So, I had to learn what sign I was in case the bimbette I was hitting on asked me about my sign. I also remember asking many women what their sign was and I later found out that there was no such thing as a "Stop Sign".

To make things more confusing, now it seems there is a 13th sign referred to as Ophiuchus (Nov. 29 - Dec. 17). The first thing I realized is that I have no idea how to pronounce it, but I will learn. Secondly, I'm told that the last day of the Ophiuchus sign and the first day of the next sign is referred to as "on the cusp" and is called "Son of Abiuchus."

Well, you know what? I think I'll just continue being a Taurus and let the stars move as they please.

The News As I See It: Police are looking for a man in Phoenix who robbed a bank and told the teller he wanted the money in twenties, forties and sixties. Authorities believe he could be one of President Obama's economic advisers.

Former Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger starts a speaking tour later this month. Tickets are selling for between $270 and $427. Imagine how much they would charge if he could actually speak English?

It looks like "Sarah Palin's Alaska" won't be back for a second year. How does that make her feel? She was governor, almost vice president. She gets one year. Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is on her third year.

This Date In History: 1706; Benjamin Franklin was born in Boston. 1806; James Madison Randolph, the grandson of Thomas Jefferson, became the first child born in the White House. 1893; Hawaii's Queen Liliuokalani was forced to abdicate by a group of planters and businessmen.

1945; Swedish diplomat Raoul Wallenberg disappeared in Hungary while in Soviet custody. 1977; Gary Gilmore became the first person executed in the U.S. since the death penalty was reintroduced. 1991; Operation Desert Storm was launched against Iraq.

1998; President Clinton became the first sitting U.S. president to testify as a defendant in a criminal or civil suit. 2001; Gov. Gray Davis declared a state of emergency concerning California's electricity crisis.

Picture Of The Day: Today's just one of those days that I snagged what I could find. I guess everyone's at the Martin Luther King Jr parade on Martin Luther King Jr Boulevard, Any City, USA.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it? 2) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole stupid box to start a campfire? 3) I saw a woman wearing a tight tee shirt with "Guess" on it, so I said "Implants?" 4) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 5) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Taurus and she's a bitch.......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough. Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Birthdays: My pal Jack - Happy Birthday 19XX, Benjamin Franklin, American Statesman 1706, David Lloyd George, statesman 1863, Robert Maynard Hutchins, educator 1899, Nora Kaye, ballerina 1920, James Earl Jones, actor 1931, Muhammad Ali, champion heavyweight boxer 1942, Jim Carrey, actor, comedian 1962, Naveen Andrews, actor 1969, Kid Rock, rock musician 1971, Zooey Deschanel, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?" The man asked, "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" The policeman said, "No, you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly woman in the passenger seat that gave you away."

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. The cop says to the driver, "Where have you been?" The drunk slurs, "Why, I've been to the pub of course." The cop says, "It looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening". The drink smiled and said, "That I did, all right."

The cop folds his arms and says, "Did you know that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" The drunk says, "Oh, thank God, for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." The others ask, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?"

The third woman says, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."

Garnett walks into a bar and sees his friend Jack slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks, "Jack what's wrong?" Jack says, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" Garnett replies with a laugh, "Yes, I do." Jack says, "Well, I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." Garnett says, "That's great! When are you going out?"

Jack says, "I went to meet her this evening, but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so that if I did get an erection, it wouldn't show." Garnett says, "That was a good idea!" Jack says. "So, I get to her door and I rang her doorbell. She answered in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." Garnett says, "And what happened then?" Jack says, "I kicked her in the face."

When a woman wears leather clothing a man's heart beats quicker and his throat gets dry. He goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why? Because she smells like a new truck.....

That's it for today my little jelly beans. Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Heidi the Opossum

No, it's not Joe O'Biden and, except for the ears, it's plain to see it's not Barack O'Bozo. Nope, it's Heidi, the cross eyed opossum and she's the new rage on the Internet. Heidi even has her own Facebook page. Heidi was abandoned at a North Carolina animal shelter before moving to Germany.

Heidi's caretakers can't explain why she's cross-eyed. And while some experts believe her condition could have come from an unhealthy diet when she was younger that caused fat deposits to build up behind her eyes, there's no need to be concerned. Poor vision doesn't affect the small animal. Because she’s nocturnal, Heidi relies mostly on her sense of smell to get around.

I showed her picture to my cat, Possum S. Hemmingway, but he didn't understand what the fuss was all about. Possum was abandoned in a dumpster when I found him almost seven years ago. Possum said. "Heidi may be on Facebook but I bet she doesn't have her own Blog." I think some one's a bit jealous.

The News As I See It: Hugh Hefner is engaged to a 24-year-old playmate, and he’s in his 80s. It will be her first marriage and Hugh Hefner thinks it will be his first marriage too. At Hugh Hefner’s age, I think she’s just there to blow on his soup.

There's a new website that allows you to use Facebook, Twitter, e-mail, surf the web, and read all the news in one place. That place is called "work."

Newark, New Jersey's airport had to cancel 440 flights because of heavy snowstorms. You know it’s bad when officials think it’s more dangerous to fly out of Newark than to spend the night there.

Chinese President Hu Jintao will be at the White House next week. The good news is, he has no plans to foreclose so we can stay another month.

MGM says the next James Bond movie almost didn’t get made because of the bad economy, which explains the newest Bond villain, "Cash-for-Goldfinger."

Former U.S. House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for his performance on "Dancing with the Stars".

Odds and Ends: News reports say Jersey Shore star Snooki is tired of her name. She wants to go back to being called by her previous name, "Waitress!" America’s first gay history museum will open in San Francisco. In San Francisco, of all places? Really?

Here's my newest video "Mack The Knife". Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar. I hope you enjoy it.

This Date In History: 1236; English king Henry III marries Eleonora of Provence. 1784; The Revolutionary War ends; Congress ratifies Treaty of Paris. 1794; Dr. Jessee Bennet of Edom Va, performs 1st successful Cesarean section operation on his wife. 1814; King of Denmark cedes Norway to King of Sweden by treaty of Kiel.

1954; New York Yankee Joe DiMaggio marries actress Marilyn Monroe. 1975; The theologian, musician, philosopher and Nobel Prize-winning physician Albert Schweitzer is born in Upper-Alsace, Germany (now Haut-Rhin, France). 2008; Bobby Jindal takes office as governor of Louisiana as the first elected Indian-American governor of the U.S.

Picture Of The Day: Silhouettes, except for the two pictures of the Opossum and Possum. They struck my fancy and I hope they strike yours.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him. 2) My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself. 3) When you think you have someone eating out of your hand, count your fingers. 4) I don't want to say the woman at the bar was ugly, but I'm betting that as a child, when she played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering her up. 5) Hey, I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's! ......and that's five !

Birthdays: Benedict Arnold, general and traitor 1741, Henri Fantin-Latour, painter 1836, Berthe Morisot, impressionist painter 1841, Albert Schweitzer, Alsatian Medical Missionary 1875, John Dos Passos, novelist 1896, Harold Russell, soldier and actor 1914, Julian Bond, politician 1940, Faye Dunaway, actress 1941, Shannon Lucid, astronaut and biochemist 1943, Maureen Dowd, journalist 1952, Steven Soderbergh, filmmaker 1963, Emily Watson, actress 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man winces and replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out, comes back with a glass of water and says, "Here, take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The dentist replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?" The dentist replies, "No, but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. He says,"You all have obsessions." To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy. He turned to the second mom, Ann, and said, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom, Joyce, and said, "Your obsession is with alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Debbie, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Jack goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 'Ninety-nine'." Jack obeys and says,"99."

The doctor says, "Great."Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'." Again, Jack says, "99." The doctor says, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly."

The doctor continued, "I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'." Jack begins, "One...Two...Three..."

Running Doe, a young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however." Running doe said, "What is that, Doctor?" The doctor said, "Well, you have no nipples." Running Doe said, "None of the people in my tribe have nipples."

The doctor said, "That is amazing. I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind. She said, "Okay." The doctor asked, "First of all, how many people are in your tribe?" Running Doe answered, "Approximately 500." The doctor said, "And what is the name of your tribe?" Running Doe replied, "We're called 'The Indiannippleless Five Hundred'."

A woman took her young son to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my child has swallowed a magnet!" The doctor said, "Don't panic, the magnet should pass through his system soon." The woman asked, "How will I be sure?" The doctor said, "Stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

That's it for today my little french fries. Remember, two eyebrows are better than one. T.G.I.F. and AREA 51 here I come. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Protection For Politicians And To Protect The American Public

Politicians are now concerned about their safety after the recent Arizona tragedy. By the same token Americans are concerned about their own safety as well. Well I've come up with a product that politicians can use for protection and the American pubic will be protected as well.

It's call "Safe Politics" and if you refer to the above picture, you can see how useful the product can be in protecting our leaders while protecting the American public at the same time.

I did consider abstinence and the rhythm method, but Joe O'Biden has no rhythm at all and Barack O'Bozo's white genes seem to kick in when he's at bat, so the rhythm method is out.

The News As I See It: A new study shows that a woman's tears can chemically lower the level of testosterone in a man. When that happens, the man will also start to cry and then eventually be elected speaker of the House.

The new Speaker of the House, John Boehner has chosen an enormous gavel. I'm telling you, if in four hours, that gavel is still that size, he's got to call a doctor. I think somebody’s compensating for his small government.

Outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave a speech and handed the gavel to John Boehner. It was a very emotional moment for Pelosi, but she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, a tightly stretched forehead, and unnaturally arched eyebrows.

Due to the recession there are now 15,000 less lawyers. Nobody ever talks about the good things that happen because of the recession.

Hugh Hefner’s new 24-year-old wife claims that she can’t see the 60-year age difference. She apparently can’t tell the difference between a grape and a raisin either. He’s 84 and she’s 24. In six years, she’ll be 30, and he’ll be — dead. Hefner’s wife says they like doing things together, like taking long walks to the bathroom.

The new Republican-controlled House of Representatives decided to start things off by reading the entire Constitution aloud. Then there was a break for lunch and a slave auction.

This Date In History: 1773; The first public museum in the U.S. was established in Charleston, S.C. 1896; H. L. Smith took the first X-ray photograph. It was a hand with a bullet in it. 1915; The U.S. House of Representatives rejected a proposal to give women the right to vote. 1932; Hattie W. Caraway, a democrat from Arkansas became the first woman to be elected to the U.S. Senate.

1964; One month after Zanzibar became independent, the ruling Zanzibar Nationalist Party was overthrown in a violent coup. 1991; A divided Congress gave President Bush the go-ahead on the Persian Gulf War. 1998; Nineteen European countries signed an agreement banning human cloning.

Picture Of The Day: They're called reality cartoons and they struck me so I thought I'd present them to you for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. 2) The Native American definition for "lousy hunter" is vegetarian. 3) They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken. 4) The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste. 5) She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.......and that's five !

Birthdays: John Hancock, political leader in the American Revolution and signer of the Declaration of Independence 1737, Charles Perrault, poet 1628,
Edmund Burke, political writer and statesman 1729, John Singer Sargent, painter 1856, Jack London, novelist 1876, P. W. Botha, political leader 1916, James Farmer, civil rights leader 1920, Joe Frazier, Chamion heavyweight boxer 1944, Rush Limbaugh, radio personality 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man and his wife were at home watching TV. He had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. She replied, "Your organ, it's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied, "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

A was not happy with his wife's mood swings so he bought her a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor her moods. He found that when she was in a good mood, it turns green. He also discovered that when she's in a bad mood it leaves a big frickin' red mark on his forehead.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. He said, "You have so much to live for. I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day,and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. The captain asked, "What are you doing here?" The woman replied, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe." The captain said, "I see."

Her conscience got the best of her and she added,"plus, he's screwing me." The captain replied, "He certainly is. This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. He said, "Doc, my wife's seeing another man. I feel like killing her. Please tell me what I should do." The doctor thought for a moment. The doctor said, "Look, here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to have sex with your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex." The grateful patient said, "Great, I'll start with this right away."

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face. Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward. The doctor said, "What happened to you? What happened to your wife?" The patient reassured him, "Don't worry, doc. Five more days and she'll be dead."

Before Gertrude became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. She said, "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." The boyfriend said, "Really? And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

That's it for today my little cocoa nuts. Remember, when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense. It's hump day and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Left Wing, Right Wing, Independent? No, Just A Psychopathic Freak Of Nature !

The political finger pointing began almost immediately after the terrible tragedy in Arizona. As soon as the the media ascertained who died, who was injured and who survived, each side immediately began speculating as to the political affiliation of Jared Lee Loughner, the warped asshole who perpetrated the crime.

First reports were that Loughner was associated with the right wingers, which delighted the left wingers. Then, reports surfaced that Loughner was a liberal, which amused the right wingers. Now reports say that the douche bag is an Independent.

In the interim, all of the overly-politically correct camp reported that Loughner may have some mental disorder. Ya Think!? Could a man who guns down almost two dozen people possibly be a little off kilter?

Well, guess what? The psychopathic asshole is just regrettable freak of nature and should be euthanized in the same manner as a veterinarian might put down a rabid animal. His only political agenda comes from the depth of his own useless mind.

As for the media, especially the New York Times, the once respected newspaper now reduced to a near bankrupt, left wing political rag....make sure your brains are engaged before you put your mouths into hear. All you've managed to do with your droning, knee jerk, 24/7 coverage of this tragedy is add fuel to the fire.

The News As I See It: The first order of business for the 112th Congress: blaming everything on the 111th Congress. Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they’re going to repeal everything President Obozo has done. They even told Michelle that her vegetable garden has to go.

Some Italian-American groups have complained that "Jersey Shore" perpetuates negative stereotypes of Italian-Americans — unlike "The Sopranos" or "Real Housewives of New Jersey."

Two people won the $380 million Mega Millions lottery drawing. It was the biggest single jackpot since Elin Nordegren divorced Tiger Woods.

New York City’s sanitation workers were accused of drinking on the job during the blizzard. At least something was getting plowed. With so much garbage on the streets, the rats are going crazy. Fortunately, the city has hired an extra cat.

Odds and Ends: The new Congress adopted a rule that permits members to use electronic devices on the floor of the House. Alright! Let the sexting begin. January is the month that people are most likely to be fired — especially if you’re an elf. With all the birds falling out of the sky all over the world, many are getting nervous. Today I saw a parakeet reading the obituaries.

This Date In History: 1776; Thomas Paine's Common Sense, which greatly influenced the authors of the Declaration of Independence, was published. 1863; The first underground passenger railway, the Metropolitan, opened in London. 1920; The League of Nations came into existence. 1946; The first General Assembly of the United Nations convened in London.

1967; The first African-American senator elected by popular vote, Edward Brooke of Massachusetts, took his seat. 1984; The U.S. and the Vatican reestablished diplomatic relations after a 117-year break. 2003; North Korea announced that it was withdrawing from the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.

Picture Of The Day: Some pastoral scenes that struck my fancy and probably one of the main reasons that I began painting with oils.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. 2) Women keep trying to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking. Forget it, those men already have boyfriends. 3) The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. 4) We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. 5) I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.......and that's five !

Birthdays: John Root, architect 1850, Robinson Jeffers, poet 1887, Dame Barbara Hepworth, sculptor 1903, Donald Knuth, mathematician and computer scientist 1938, Rod Stewart, singer 1945, Donald Fagen, pop musician 1948, George Foreman, heavyweight boxing champion 1949, Shawn Colvin, folk singer 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice say, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked, "Where are you? Who are you?" The voice answered, "I am your guardian angel." The man said, "Yeah? And where the hell were you when I got married?"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell." The shrink said, "My dear, that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is?" She complained, "The problem is that it wakes me up."

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it honey?" And thus began Wally's life of celibacy.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room. She asked, "What are you doing?" Her daughter-in-law answered, "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work. I am wearing my love dress."

The mother-in-law said, "Love dress? But you're naked!" Her daughter-in-law replied, "My husband loves me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. He asked, "What are you doing?" His wife said sensually, "This is my love dress." He replied, "Needs ironing....."

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless panties she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm and purred, "Want some of this?" Her husband answered, "Are you kidding? Look what it did to those panties!"

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. The woman to her lover, "Quick! Into the closet!", and she pushed him into the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

The outraged husband said "Who are you?" The esterminator said, "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone." The husband said, "What are you doing in there?" The exterminator said, "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths." The husband said, "And where are your clothes?" The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

That's it for today my little frosted flakes. Remember, without nipples, breasts would be pointless. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !