Budget? We Don't Have No Stinking Budget !

President Obozo unveiled his new budget, including $1 trillion in spending cuts, which Obozo called the most painful choice he's ever made. Then he looked over at Joe O' Biden and said, "OK, the second most painful choice.'" I guess Michelle was happy she wasn't there.

Obozo presented his budget for 2012, though the Congress probably won’t get to it, as they still haven’t passed the budget for 2011. It's politics as usual with democrats and republicans jockeying for political high ground as the economy continues to tank and the national debt continues to rise.

No one wants to cut any area which will affect the 2012 elections. Obozo has suddenly become a centrist due to the November 2010 elections and the republicans, now a majority in the House, are also playing tit-for-tat.

The bottom line is that the government has to cut spending across the board. You cannot spend what you do not have. It's that simple. Obozo's 53 billion dollars bullet train is a blatantly stupid idea. If the democrats and republicans cannot sit down and make the necessary cuts in all areas, including Medicare, Medicaid and Defense, then America is in a world of hurt.

As for Obamacare, today's journal cannot even begin to fit my thoughts about the stupidity of the program.....

The News As I See It: Michelle Obama told "Regis & Kelly" she was expecting jewelry on Valentine's Day. She said it wouldn't be anything extravagant because Barack tends to be responsible when he's spending his own money.

Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen.

Health officials are investigating the Playboy mansion after more than 80 guests at a party became sick with some strain of Legionnaires disease. Hugh Hefner was able to call an ambulance using his Life Alert. If you spend a night at the Playboy mansion and all you get is Legionnaires disease, consider yourself lucky.

Charlie Sheen gave an anti-drug lecture to the UCLA baseball team. I understand next week, they’re bringing in Lindsay Lohan to talk about stealing bases.

According to Glamour magazine, 12 percent of married adults met their spouses online. The other 88 percent met somebody else’s spouse online.

A new app called the "Love Calculator" allows you to calculate your chances for love. Sometimes the app goes by its original name, "the breathalyzer."

This Date In History: 1804; U.S. frigate Philadelphia, captured and held by Barbary pirates at Tripoli during the Tripolitan War, was set fire to and destroyed by a small group of men led by Stephen Decatur. 1918; Lithuania proclaimed its independence from Russia.

1923; The tomb of King Tutankhamen, discovered in 1922, was opened. 1937 Nylon was patented. 1959; Fidel Castro became the leader of Cuba after having ousted the right-wing dictator Fulgencio Batista.

1968; The country's first 911 phone system went into service in Haleyville, Ala. 1999; Turkish commandos captured Kurdish rebel leader Abdullah Ocalan in Kenya, sparking seizures of embassies in Europe by Kurds.

Picture Of The Day: Egypt is finally rid of Mubarak. Gee, I wonder where he is and how he's doing?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Drinking and driving is the biggest cause of vehicle damage in the world. Movie special effects are a close second. 2) I told my bartender that I was drinking to forget. He asked to me to please pay in advance. 3) I don't have a beer gut, but I do have a protective covering for my rock hard abs. 4) Women should not have children after 35. Really....35 children are enough. 5) Six men were kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said, "Are you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough."......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - February 16th: Your friends will suddenly start really loving you this week as they find out about your recent lottery luck. Shooting high into the air during a celebration, may cause injury to you or those around you. Compact Discs are very shiny, but using them to attract seagulls in order to bludgeon them to death with your shoe is neither good manners nor entirely legal. You should focus on all the positive things that have happened over the past few years. This will help you overcome the incredible setbacks which are coming in the next few weeks.

Birthdays: Frederick William, the Great Elector 1620, Heinrich Barth, explorer 1821, Henry Adama, American writer and historian 1838, Robert Flaherty. explorer and film producer 1884, Katharine Cornell, actress 1898, George F. Kennan, diplomat and historian 1904, Sonny Bono, entertainer, politician 1935, Richard Ford, novelist 1944, LeVar Burton actor 1957, John McEnroe, tennis player 1959.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced, "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left." Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left."

An hour later the Captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left." One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day."

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Pat in the U.K. and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the brute that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

He continued, "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $5,000,000 bank account."

The distinguished gentleman then said, "However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?" There was a silence and then the mother places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much he owed. Finkelstein brushed him off saying, "No, no, for the Son of God, there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses. A few months later while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him.

A soon as Finkelstein spotted him, he said, "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"Jesus said, "Certainly, Jesus & Finkelstein it is." Finkelstein said, "Oh no....Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." Jesus said, "I understand, Mr. Finkelstein, but I am the son of God."

The two of them debated this for some time.Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. They finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

Barack Obama took a jog near the White House and on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. One day, as he approached the corner, the hooker shouted from the curb, "Hey Barack, a hundred dollars!" Barack fired back, "No, ten dollars!" This ritual between the prez and the hooker continued for several days. He'd run by, she'd holler, "one hundred dollars" and he'd yell back, "No, ten dollars!"

One day, Michelle decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Barack suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $100 offer for all to hear (including Michelle) and he would have to come up with a darn good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Barack became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough, there she was - standing where she always did. Barack tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging executive. Then, from the sidewalk, she yelled, "Hey Barack, see what you get for ten bucks?"

That's it for today my little ducklings. Remember, the human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. It's hump day and a trip to AREA 51 for happy hour is in order. See 'ya there! More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy St. Valentine's Day !

Today is a special day when men make that last minute attempt to come up with a semi-clever way to say "I Love You" to their significant other. I remember one Valentine's Day I had to be away on a business trip. I wired flowers for my lovely wife, but she found the fuse. Over the years, I learned that writing poetry, no matter how heartfelt, should not start out "There was once a girl from Nantucket."

Understandably, men really have no clue as to what to do on this occasion. Early in married life, men learn that neither plugging and unplugging the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning nor opening the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine is very romantic. I soon became aware of the fact giving a box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact I ate all the carmel ones, was not a good idea.

Other bad ideas for Valentine's Day gifts are: 1) Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model. 2) Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label. 3) Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label. 4) Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears. 5) Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.

Yes, my friends, today is a special day for the ladies and a day that horrifies most men as they wonder what in hell to give their lady. The finality of it all is that if the gift is heartfelt and sincere, most anything will make them happy. You see, it's the thought that counts.....

The News As I See It: Egypt’s President Mubarak finally resigned. When they heard that a Muslim president stepped down, the tea party said, "Obama’s leaving?"

For a while, I was thinking that Hosni Mubarak wasn’t going to step down and leave. It turns out Hosni Mubarak is an ancient Egyptian name that means "Brett Favre." Now if we just get MuBarak Obozo to follow his lead.

When Lindsay Lohan was in court, she wore a white mini dress. Lindsay claimed the white dress stood for "innocence" and "purity." Unfortunately, her jewelry stood for "felony" and "larceny."

The New York Times says that cars will no longer come equipped with cassette players. That’s insane. It’s 2011 — people still read newspapers?

Keith Olbermann has a new job on Al Gore’s Current TV as an investigative reporter. His job will be to find anyone that actually watches Current TV.

This Date In History: 1859; Oregon became the 33rd state in the United States. 1912; Arizona became the 48th state in the United States. 1920; The League of Women Voters was founded. 1929; Members of Al Capone's gang killed rival gang members in the St. Valentine's Day massacre.

1989; Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa, calling for the death of Salman Rushdie, author of The Satanic Verses. 2001; The Kansas Board of Education reversed its 1999; ruling and restored evolution to the state's science curriculum.

Picture Of The Day: St. Valentines day brings back memories and it's one of those days when I think of My Perfect Martini. So, today's pictures are dedicated her and to all the ladies. My hope for a nice St. Valentines Day goes out to all of you. Tomorrow's a day of affection and I hope that everyone receives their fair share.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. 2) Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers. 3) If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. 4) I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." 5) We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we didn't laugh that evening when he came back with a whore he picked up in town.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - February 14th: Your lucky goat name for today is Penelope. You will be glad of a loved one's ability to almost painlessly remove splinters from your backside. In other news, scientists have found out that when the wind changes, your face doesn't get locked in its current position. Your ability to think up lies on the spot may be challenged this week. Don't be afraid to run really fast - problems will catch up, but at least you've given yourself a few minutes to think up some bullshit explanation. This knowledge may serve you well. A week of rest may be all you need for your ego to recover.

Birthdays: George Jean Nathan, editor and drama critic 1882, Katherine Stinson, pioneering pilot 1891, Jack Benny, comedian 1894, Florence Henderson, actress 1934, Donna Shalala, educator, public official 1941, Michael Bloomberg, businessman and politician 1942, Gregory Hines, dancer, actor 1946, Jim Kelly, Football QB 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" On the next floor, another beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5 - Bel Aire, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, farts, and says, "Broccoli - Winn Dixie, $.49 cents a pound."

An distraught old man is sitting on a park bench when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. The sad old man answers,"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." The young man says, "What's wrong with that?" The old man answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. Then, after dinner, we make love all night until I fall asleep." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you upset?" The old man replies, "I forgot where I live."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A man was at my bank and there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of him, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?" After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On your wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the hell was that?" The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got me by the balls!"

I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?

That's it for today my little chocolate covered cherries. Remember, never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Some Valentine's Day Advice For Men

Gentlemen beware! Do not let certain St. Valentines Day commercials ruin the month of February for you. I refer to the bombardment of ads trying to convince you that your lady will be thrilled to receive a Vermont Teddy Bear or a Hoodie-Footie for Valentine's day. She will not! A rule of thumb is never purchase a gift that cannot be easily removed by a proctologist.

Women are easily pleased if you use your head and an almost guaranteed smile of satisfaction begins with the easiest but most important item you purchase, the Valentine card. The first and most important step is to actually read the card. The size of the card is never as important as the words written inside it. Adding a well thought out, honest and personal note of your own usually completes the thought quite well.

While the Vermont Teddy Bear and Hoodie-Footie may be cute as a secondary gift which can be laughed off as a joke, your primary gift merely requires a little forethought. As a veteran of two marriages and countless lady friends, I can assure you that the phrase "diamonds are a girl's best friend" is a true adage. Should that gift be financially impossible, any form of well thought out jewelry will usually put a smile on your lady's face.

If you choose to buy jewelry, buy quality, not size. A nice perfume is good but a little tricky. The salesgirls usually will know what's good and take their advice, because you'll never know. Never buy clothes because I guarantee that whatever you pick will be wrong! Roses are a safe and well received gift but try to pick a distinctive color. While red is normally the color of choice, I've always been partial to sending yellow roses.

Roses, while usually a safe bet, are overpriced, a bit trite and quickly go bad. I have found that a romantic dinner at an upscale restaurant and a thoughtful gift are usually the way to please your lady. Additionally, if roses are still on your mind, buy your lady one long stemmed rose (I prefer yellow) in a gift wrapped box and give it to her along with your gift.

Do Not Purchase a box of chocolates, Forest Gump, it's trite and wreaks of a last minute purchase. Although women love chocolates, it's an item that can be purchased any time of the year. If you do buy chocolate, make sure it's a secondary gift.

As for next year's gift, during the year, make a mental note to look up anytime your lady says's "awwwww..." That's usually a sign that she's seen or heard something that has moved her. Anything close to the the stimulus that evoked the "awwwww..." will make a good gift for next year.

The real key to any gift, on any occasion, is the element of surprise. The unexpected always brings smiles and an occasional tear. It's also what keeps a relationship fresh and exciting.

Remember one thing my friends, when business is good for all the different Valentine's Day retailers, it's also good for proctologists. Happy St. Valentine's Day!

Nascar kicks off the 2011 Sprint Cup championship season at the Daytona International Speedway with the running of the Budweiser Shootout on Saturday night and Daytona 500 qualifying on Sunday afternoon. There's a lot of new changes with a newly paved race track which lends to three abreast racing at speeds nearing 200 miles per hour. It should be interesting and exciting.

The News As I See It: Christina Aguilera is bouncing back from her Super Bowl appearance by singing at the Grammys. She’ll be accompanied by a full orchestra and Barack Obozo's teleprompter.

Lindsay Lohan has been charged with stealing a $2,500 necklace. According to the law for celebrities in Los Angeles, 600 strikes and she’s out.

Michelle Obama says she has gotten President Obama to stop smoking. I wonder if she can get John Boehner to stop sobbing.

Ten thousand angry demonstrators demanded that Egypt’s President Mubarak leave office. Police tried to disperse them with tear gas and when that didn’t work, they brought in a Black Eyed Peas halftime show. The problem in Egypt is that so many government officials are rich and the people are poor. I think it’s a pyramid scheme.

A Mexican fast food chain was busted because 50 percent of its workers are undocumented. Now that’s real Mexican food.

Texas officials want to take away a beauty queen’s crown because she’s put on too much weight. They should have seen this coming because her talent in the pageant was eating ham while swinging from a rope.

President Obozo hosted Republican leaders for lunch at the White House. Obama had to do without salt, bread, pepper, and butter, but not for health reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.

This Date In History: 1805; Lewis and Clark's Shoshone guide Sacajawea gave birth to a son, Jean Baptiste. 1809; Robert Fulton patented the steamboat. 1858; Saint Bernadette of Lourdes first saw a vision of the Virgin Mary at Lourdes, France, leading to the foundation of the shrine of Lourdes.

1929; Lateran Treaty was signed, with Italy recognizing the independence and sovereignty of Vatican City. 1945; Yalta Agreement signed by President Franklin Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, and Soviet leader Josef Stalin during World War II. 1970; Japan became the fourth country to put a satellite into orbit.

1979; Ayatollah Khomeini's followers seized control of the Iran government. 1989; The Episcopal Church Boston diocese consecrated Barbara Harris as the church's first woman bishop. 1990; South African resistance leader, Nelson Mandela, was released from prison after more than 27 years.

Picture Of The Day: Monday is Saint Valentine's Day and pictures say that very well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Last year, while on vacation, I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. When I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'" 2) Years ago, there was a hotel in Fort Lauderdale with a rotating restaurant on top but I couldn't afford the prices. So, I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and gave her a burrito.

3) I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. Maybe I'll try studio apartment cheese or mobile home cheese. I don't think I'd eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. 4) Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

5) At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - February 11th: The post-office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that for once is neither ticking, covered in mysterious powder, or have red-stamped urgent all over it. Like your life, peanuts can be dried, roasted, blanched and put inside little potato coatings. Bartenders may have a surprise in store for you this week. Also keep on the lookout for butch hairdressers. If you never liked sprouts before, try them again. Your tastes may have changed

Birthdays: Lydia Child. author and abolitionist 1802, Alexander H. Stephens, political leader 1812, Thomas Edison, American inventor 1847, Sir Vivian Ernest Fuchs, geologist and explorer 1908, Joseph L. Mankiewicz, director, screenwriter, producer 1909, Eva Gabor, actress 1919, Farouk I, king of Egypt 1920, Burt Reynolds, actor 1936, Manuel Noriega, Panamanian General 1938, Sheryl Crow, singer 1962, Jennifer Aniston, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

An old man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentine cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet displays of hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."

The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods." The old man says, "Really?" The clerk said, "Yes sir, they’re called darts."

Jack asked his friend, Jimmy, whether he had bought his ex-wife anything for Valentine's Day. Jimmy, a bit surprised, said, "Yes, In fact, I bought her a new belt and a bag." Jack said, "That was very kind of you, seeing you're divorced and all." Jim said, "I hope she appreciated the thought and that I still think about her. Hopefully, the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:

This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,
Honey Bear

P.S. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

Sam and Rachel are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to her, "Rachel, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me?" Rachel replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." Sam says, "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." Rachel replies, "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." Sam says, "Three times? Well, when were they?"

Rachel says, "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" Sam said, "Oh, Rachel, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

Rachel said, "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

Sam said, "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" Rachel replied, "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

That's it for today my little sugar corn pops. Remember, the trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. Later, I'm going to AREA 51 and see what's happening. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

"Win The Future".....WTF?

President Obama, in his State of the Union address, called on Americans to put aside partisan differences and unite. One of the themes was "Win The Future" or "WTF" for short. I wonder if the administration is aware that we lowly bloggers and readers have already established a use for the acronym "WTF" and it ain't "Win The Future". Rather, it's a crude question often asked when some yoyo comes up with a national slogan such as "Win the Future."

Actually, many Americans have saying "WTF" for two years. Between the antics of Congress and the national economy, it's been on everyone's lips for a while now. Add the administration's complete ignorance of the hordes of illegal immigrants saturating the southern border and chaos rules.

Yep, "WTF" is a great acronym, Barry, but it doesn't mean "win the future" to me. It's time to limit the spending and reduce the national debt. It's a time to quit inventing useless ideas like Joe O'Biden's 53 billion dollar bullet train and concentrate on the more obvious and pressing problems in America!

The News As I See It: Before the Super Bowl, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano told everyone, "If you see something not right at the Super Bowl, let somebody know." Immediately after Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem, 50 million people called. The good news is that you can’t accuse her of lip syncing.

Congratulations to the Green Bay Packers for winning the Super Bowl. People in Wisconsin haven’t been this excited since they invented aerosol Velveeta. At President Obama’s Super Bowl party, they had cheeseburgers and deep-dish pizza. So much for Michelle Obama’s healthy eating initiative.

Speaking of Michelle Obama, she recently announced that Mr. Obozo has not smoked for a year. Hmmm, didn't the Prez also promise us C-Span health care coverage? Check to see if his pants are on fire, Michele !

They found a grand piano on a sandbar in Miami's Biscayne Bay. By the time authorities got there, there were half a dozen Cuban rafters sitting around it having drinks.

Scientists have discovered a gorilla that walks upright. After hearing this, I though of about 10 potential jokes that all ended with the same punch line: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The U.S. government spends billions and billions of dollars on bombs and welfare. It's hard to say which is a bigger waste of money. The epitome of that thought would be if the government bombed Detroit.

Odds and Ends: Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn’t too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it. In Dallas, a warehouse full of energy drinks caught fire. Firefighters say the fire raged for five hours and then totally crashed. Joe O'Biden announced plans for a $53 billion train system. To offset the cost, they’re raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion. Nancy Pelosi described Justin Bieber as "adorable but also substantial", while Justin Bieber described Nancy Pelosi as "court ordered to maintain a distance of 300 feet at all times."

This Date In History: 1861; Jefferson Davis was chosen as the president of the Confederate States of America. 1943; The battle of Guadalcanal ended with an American victory. 1950; Senator Joseph McCarthy claimed he had evidence there were card-carrying members of the Communist Party in the State Department.

1964; The Beatles made their first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show. 1991; Lithuanians voted overwhelmingly for independence from the Soviet Union. 2001; A U.S. nuclear sub struck the Ehime Maru, a Japanese fishing boat.

Picture Of The Day: We will just go with the flow today and the pictures pose the question......WTF?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. 2) Puberty is when you separate the boys from the girls. Sometimes with a crowbar! 3) A Canadian is kind of like an American, but with out the gun. 4) He who laughs last thinks the slowest. 5) Coca-Cola, as originally translated into Chinese, literally means "Bite the wax tadpole"......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - February 9th: Smiles help the world go round, especially when the smiles are accompanied by big wads of cold hard cash. In fact, forget the smiles, just give everyone money. The rate of absorption into your skin will increase three fold today as Mars combined with Jupiter to create... well, whatever is created to allow for that, I suppose. When asked if you're okay today, you may feel tempted to respond with physical violence. There is a lot of anger in your brain. Douse it with cold beer!

Birthdays: William Henry Harrison, ninth president of the United States 1773, Amy Lowellpoet 1874, Dean Rusk, secretary of state 1909, Carmen Miranda, actress 1909, J. M. Coetzee, novelist 1940 Carole King, songwriter, singer 1942, Joe Pesci, actor 1943, Alice Walker, author 1944, Mia Farrow, actress 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. She said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." The husband said, "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later."

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. She asked, "What are you doing?" Her husband replied, "Hunting Flies" She asked, "Oh, are you killing any?" Her husband said, "Yep, 3 males, 2 females." Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A young man is vacationing alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shore. The young man goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club.

When he goes to the club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asked, "Sir, what's your secret?" The old man replies, "I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks."

The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again. The next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded by beautiful women.

That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help. The wise old man responds, "Son, next time put the socks in the front of your trunks."

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. The mailman said, "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night."

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I'." The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Bob says, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." Bob says, "Probably a good thing you did. Your name came up four or five times."

That's it for today my little tripods. Remember, even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. AREA 51 is my destination and Happy Hour is the plan. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !