Valentine's Day Don'ts For Guys

St. Valentine's Day is the 14th, a special day when men make that last minute attempt to come up with a semi-clever way to say "I Love You" to their significant other. I'm no expert, but I can give the younger guys a few ideas as to what not to give. Trust me on this.

Let's begin with the 4 1/2 foot tall Vermont Teddy Bear. 4 1/2 feet tall....and....it's guaranteed for life. By whom? For life? Who keeps an overgrown teddy bear for life? Who gets custody of old Teddy if there's a divorce? Will there be child support payments until he's eighteen?

Additionally, a big ix-nay for the Pajamagrams and Hoodie-Footies. If you opt to go with these items, I'd keep a nice tennis bracelet or earrings for her as a backup. But that's just me.....

Other bad ideas for St. Valentine's Day gifts include:

1) Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.

2) Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.

3) Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.

4) Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.

5) Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.

The bottom line? If the gift is heartfelt and sincere, most anything will make them happy. You see, it's the thought that counts.....

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton is reportedly writing a book of personal essays due to be released this fall. It will be the first political memoir written entirely in all caps.

Aladdin Mohammed was stuck in customs at JFK for ten hours last Saturday. You’d think he would have just taken the carpet.

Obama was spotted on vacation in the Virgin Islands this week, wearing a backwards baseball cap, baggy shorts and sneakers. You can take the boy out of Chicago, but you can't take Chicago out of the boy

A top football prospect for Michigan State was unable to sign his letter of intent because he’s in jail. Sounds like somebody’s ready for the NFL!

Arnold Schwarzenegger met Pope Francis at the Vatican and tweeted that he is "a true leader for the Church." Pope Francis tweeted, "I couldn’t understand a word that guy said."

Three people were arrested and charged in New Jersey today after leaving behind a pound of marijuana in their hotel room. How could you forget your marijuana … Oh. Right.

According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who lies well.

This Date In History: 1468; Johann Gutenberg, German printer and inventor, died. 1870; The 15th Amendment (black suffrage) passed. 1913; The 16th Amendment, establishing federal income tax, was ratified. 1917; The U.S. broke off diplomatic relations with Germany.

1959; Rock singers, Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and Big Bopper died in a plane crash. 1995; Colonel Eileen Collins became the first woman to pilot the space shuttle when the Discovery blasted off. 1998; Texas executed Karla Faye Tucker, the first woman to be executed in the United States since 1984.

Picture Of The Day: Truth........

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I go to McDonald's once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car. 2) Xanax - Keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981. 3) Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza, but both are fine when you're drunk. 4) My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 65. She's 75 years old now and we have no idea where the hell she is. 5) It was all fun and games until she noticed that the "rocket" in her five-year-old son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in her nightstand.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 20th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it. The best places to look are wedding receptions and class reunions.

Birthdays: Felix Mendelssohn, composer 1809, Horace Greeley, newspaper editor and founder 1811, Gertrude Stein, author 1874, Norman Rockwell, illustrator 1894, Alvar Aalto, architect and furniture designer 1898, James Michener, author 1907, Joey Bishop, comedian, actor 1918, Linda Wachner, industry executive 1946, J. Catherine Roberts, science teacher 1953, Isla Fisher, comedian, actor 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There are reasons why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends.

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em. When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will.

Jose and Carlos panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home about $100 a day, drives a Mercedes and lives in a big house. Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but you bring home $100 a day. How's that?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get 2 to 3 dollars a day." Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

Obama took a jog near his new home and on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. One day, as he approached the corner, the hooker shouted from the curb, "Hey Obama, a hundred dollars!" Obama fired back, "No, ten dollars!"

This ritual between Obama and the hooker continued for several days. He'd run by, she'd holler, "One hundred dollars" and he'd yell back, "No, ten dollars!"

One day, Michelle decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Obama suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $100 offer for all to hear (including Michelle) and he would have to come up with a darn good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Obama became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough, there she was - standing where she always did. Obama tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the couple. Then, from the sidewalk, she yelled, "Hey Obama, see what you get for ten bucks?"

That's it for today, my little pussy cats. Remember, deer live an average of 15 years in the wild, but can live up to 87 in a condominium. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

It Was Love At First Sight - I Should Have Looked Twice

Tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day, a special day when men make that last minute attempt to come up with a semi-clever way to say "I Love You" to their significant other. I'm no expert, but I can give you a few ideas as to what not to give.

Let's begin with the 4 1/2 foot tall Vermont Teddy Bear. 4 1/2 feet tall....and....it's guaranteed for life. By whom? For life? Who keeps an overgrown teddy bear for life? Who gets custody of old Teddy if there's a divorce? Will there be child support payments until he's eighteen?

Additionally, a big ix-nay for the Pajamagrams and Hoodie-Footies. If you opt to go with these items, I'd keep a nice tennis bracelet or earrings for her as a backup. But that's just me.....

Other bad ideas for St. Valentine's Day gifts include:

1) Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.
2) Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
3) Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
4) Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
5) Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.

The bottom line? If the gift is heartfelt and sincere, most anything will make them happy. You see, it's the thought that counts.....
 

The News As I See It: Obama gave his State of the Union address last night. It was a real break from tradition. When Obie walked into the chamber, instead of "Hail to the Chief," they played "Hey, Big Spender." I gave up trying to decipher his new code words for new taxes about half-way through the speech and went to a more intelligent program - Honey Boo Boo.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it's a false argument to say that the white house have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what they actually have is a "We don't have a clue" problem.

The Pope is resigning. He said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. I guess he took that Notre Dame loss to Alabama a lot harder than people thought. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.

The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well.

Now the Cardinals will vote for a new pope. When the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel.

Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!
 

This Date In History: 1866; The gang that included Jesse James and Cole Younger committed their first bank robbery in Liberty, Missouri. 1867; Johann Strauss's Blue Danube waltz premiered in Vienna. 1935; Bruno Hauptmann was found guilty of murder in the Lindbergh kidnapping case.

1960; France exploded its first atomic bomb. 1974; Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who won the 1970 Nobel Prize for literature, was deported from the Soviet Union. 2002; The French judge was accused of throwing the pairs skating decision to the Russians at the Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: The peace and tranquility of the bayous, sloughs and backwaters of the mysterious swamplands found in the Florida Everglades, Okefenokee Swamp and the Louisiana bayous.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Admitting to shooting the sheriff is not a good alibi when being accused of shooting the deputy. 2) That whole "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" thing doesn't work so well with cats. 3) Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. 4) I once wired St. Valentine's Day flowers for my lovely wife, but she found the fuse. 5) Over the years, I have learned that writing poetry for St. Valentine's Day, no matter how heartfelt, should not begin with, "There was once a girl from Nantucket".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 13th: Today is a great day for lovers everywhere. Your instincts will help you find love in places where people are either inebriated or are known to be easy.

Birthdays: Sir Joseph Banks, naturalist 1743, Elizabeth "Bess" Truman, First Lady 1885, Grant Wood, painter 1891, Georges Simenon, mystery writer 1903, William Shockley, physicist 1910, Chuck Yeager, American aviator 1923, Kim Novak, actress 1933, Stockard Channing actress 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the animal that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge."

He continued, "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll screw her again!"

An old Cherokee once told his grandson, "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth."

The boy thought about it and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

While sharing prayers in church, Jill rose and said, "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. Jill said, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He can hardly lift anything and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need."

Jill continued, "He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain. He leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

That's it for today, my little munchkins. Remember, sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy St. Valentine's Day !

Today is a special day when men make that last minute attempt to come up with a semi-clever way to say "I Love You" to their significant other. I remember one Valentine's Day I had to be away on a business trip. I wired flowers for my lovely wife, but she found the fuse. Over the years, I learned that writing poetry, no matter how heartfelt, should not start out "There was once a girl from Nantucket."

Understandably, men really have no clue as to what to do on this occasion. Early in married life, men learn that neither plugging and unplugging the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning nor opening the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine is very romantic. I soon became aware of the fact giving a box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact I ate all the carmel ones, was not a good idea.

Other bad ideas for Valentine's Day gifts are: 1) Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model. 2) Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label. 3) Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label. 4) Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears. 5) Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.

Yes, my friends, today is a special day for the ladies and a day that horrifies most men as they wonder what in hell to give their lady. The finality of it all is that if the gift is heartfelt and sincere, most anything will make them happy. You see, it's the thought that counts.....

The News As I See It: Egypt’s President Mubarak finally resigned. When they heard that a Muslim president stepped down, the tea party said, "Obama’s leaving?"

For a while, I was thinking that Hosni Mubarak wasn’t going to step down and leave. It turns out Hosni Mubarak is an ancient Egyptian name that means "Brett Favre." Now if we just get MuBarak Obozo to follow his lead.

When Lindsay Lohan was in court, she wore a white mini dress. Lindsay claimed the white dress stood for "innocence" and "purity." Unfortunately, her jewelry stood for "felony" and "larceny."

The New York Times says that cars will no longer come equipped with cassette players. That’s insane. It’s 2011 — people still read newspapers?

Keith Olbermann has a new job on Al Gore’s Current TV as an investigative reporter. His job will be to find anyone that actually watches Current TV.

This Date In History: 1859; Oregon became the 33rd state in the United States. 1912; Arizona became the 48th state in the United States. 1920; The League of Women Voters was founded. 1929; Members of Al Capone's gang killed rival gang members in the St. Valentine's Day massacre.

1989; Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa, calling for the death of Salman Rushdie, author of The Satanic Verses. 2001; The Kansas Board of Education reversed its 1999; ruling and restored evolution to the state's science curriculum.

Picture Of The Day: St. Valentines day brings back memories and it's one of those days when I think of My Perfect Martini. So, today's pictures are dedicated her and to all the ladies. My hope for a nice St. Valentines Day goes out to all of you. Tomorrow's a day of affection and I hope that everyone receives their fair share.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. 2) Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers. 3) If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. 4) I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." 5) We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we didn't laugh that evening when he came back with a whore he picked up in town.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - February 14th: Your lucky goat name for today is Penelope. You will be glad of a loved one's ability to almost painlessly remove splinters from your backside. In other news, scientists have found out that when the wind changes, your face doesn't get locked in its current position. Your ability to think up lies on the spot may be challenged this week. Don't be afraid to run really fast - problems will catch up, but at least you've given yourself a few minutes to think up some bullshit explanation. This knowledge may serve you well. A week of rest may be all you need for your ego to recover.

Birthdays: George Jean Nathan, editor and drama critic 1882, Katherine Stinson, pioneering pilot 1891, Jack Benny, comedian 1894, Florence Henderson, actress 1934, Donna Shalala, educator, public official 1941, Michael Bloomberg, businessman and politician 1942, Gregory Hines, dancer, actor 1946, Jim Kelly, Football QB 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" On the next floor, another beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5 - Bel Aire, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, farts, and says, "Broccoli - Winn Dixie, $.49 cents a pound."

An distraught old man is sitting on a park bench when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. The sad old man answers,"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." The young man says, "What's wrong with that?" The old man answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. Then, after dinner, we make love all night until I fall asleep." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you upset?" The old man replies, "I forgot where I live."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A man was at my bank and there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of him, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?" After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On your wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the hell was that?" The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got me by the balls!"

I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?

That's it for today my little chocolate covered cherries. Remember, never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Some Valentine's Day Advice For Men

Gentlemen beware! Do not let certain St. Valentines Day commercials ruin the month of February for you. I refer to the bombardment of ads trying to convince you that your lady will be thrilled to receive a Vermont Teddy Bear or a Hoodie-Footie for Valentine's day. She will not! A rule of thumb is never purchase a gift that cannot be easily removed by a proctologist.

Women are easily pleased if you use your head and an almost guaranteed smile of satisfaction begins with the easiest but most important item you purchase, the Valentine card. The first and most important step is to actually read the card. The size of the card is never as important as the words written inside it. Adding a well thought out, honest and personal note of your own usually completes the thought quite well.

While the Vermont Teddy Bear and Hoodie-Footie may be cute as a secondary gift which can be laughed off as a joke, your primary gift merely requires a little forethought. As a veteran of two marriages and countless lady friends, I can assure you that the phrase "diamonds are a girl's best friend" is a true adage. Should that gift be financially impossible, any form of well thought out jewelry will usually put a smile on your lady's face.

If you choose to buy jewelry, buy quality, not size. A nice perfume is good but a little tricky. The salesgirls usually will know what's good and take their advice, because you'll never know. Never buy clothes because I guarantee that whatever you pick will be wrong! Roses are a safe and well received gift but try to pick a distinctive color. While red is normally the color of choice, I've always been partial to sending yellow roses.

Roses, while usually a safe bet, are overpriced, a bit trite and quickly go bad. I have found that a romantic dinner at an upscale restaurant and a thoughtful gift are usually the way to please your lady. Additionally, if roses are still on your mind, buy your lady one long stemmed rose (I prefer yellow) in a gift wrapped box and give it to her along with your gift.

Do Not Purchase a box of chocolates, Forest Gump, it's trite and wreaks of a last minute purchase. Although women love chocolates, it's an item that can be purchased any time of the year. If you do buy chocolate, make sure it's a secondary gift.

As for next year's gift, during the year, make a mental note to look up anytime your lady says's "awwwww..." That's usually a sign that she's seen or heard something that has moved her. Anything close to the the stimulus that evoked the "awwwww..." will make a good gift for next year.

The real key to any gift, on any occasion, is the element of surprise. The unexpected always brings smiles and an occasional tear. It's also what keeps a relationship fresh and exciting.

Remember one thing my friends, when business is good for all the different Valentine's Day retailers, it's also good for proctologists. Happy St. Valentine's Day!

Nascar kicks off the 2011 Sprint Cup championship season at the Daytona International Speedway with the running of the Budweiser Shootout on Saturday night and Daytona 500 qualifying on Sunday afternoon. There's a lot of new changes with a newly paved race track which lends to three abreast racing at speeds nearing 200 miles per hour. It should be interesting and exciting.

The News As I See It: Christina Aguilera is bouncing back from her Super Bowl appearance by singing at the Grammys. She’ll be accompanied by a full orchestra and Barack Obozo's teleprompter.

Lindsay Lohan has been charged with stealing a $2,500 necklace. According to the law for celebrities in Los Angeles, 600 strikes and she’s out.

Michelle Obama says she has gotten President Obama to stop smoking. I wonder if she can get John Boehner to stop sobbing.

Ten thousand angry demonstrators demanded that Egypt’s President Mubarak leave office. Police tried to disperse them with tear gas and when that didn’t work, they brought in a Black Eyed Peas halftime show. The problem in Egypt is that so many government officials are rich and the people are poor. I think it’s a pyramid scheme.

A Mexican fast food chain was busted because 50 percent of its workers are undocumented. Now that’s real Mexican food.

Texas officials want to take away a beauty queen’s crown because she’s put on too much weight. They should have seen this coming because her talent in the pageant was eating ham while swinging from a rope.

President Obozo hosted Republican leaders for lunch at the White House. Obama had to do without salt, bread, pepper, and butter, but not for health reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.

This Date In History: 1805; Lewis and Clark's Shoshone guide Sacajawea gave birth to a son, Jean Baptiste. 1809; Robert Fulton patented the steamboat. 1858; Saint Bernadette of Lourdes first saw a vision of the Virgin Mary at Lourdes, France, leading to the foundation of the shrine of Lourdes.

1929; Lateran Treaty was signed, with Italy recognizing the independence and sovereignty of Vatican City. 1945; Yalta Agreement signed by President Franklin Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, and Soviet leader Josef Stalin during World War II. 1970; Japan became the fourth country to put a satellite into orbit.

1979; Ayatollah Khomeini's followers seized control of the Iran government. 1989; The Episcopal Church Boston diocese consecrated Barbara Harris as the church's first woman bishop. 1990; South African resistance leader, Nelson Mandela, was released from prison after more than 27 years.

Picture Of The Day: Monday is Saint Valentine's Day and pictures say that very well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Last year, while on vacation, I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. When I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'" 2) Years ago, there was a hotel in Fort Lauderdale with a rotating restaurant on top but I couldn't afford the prices. So, I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and gave her a burrito.

3) I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. Maybe I'll try studio apartment cheese or mobile home cheese. I don't think I'd eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. 4) Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

5) At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - February 11th: The post-office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that for once is neither ticking, covered in mysterious powder, or have red-stamped urgent all over it. Like your life, peanuts can be dried, roasted, blanched and put inside little potato coatings. Bartenders may have a surprise in store for you this week. Also keep on the lookout for butch hairdressers. If you never liked sprouts before, try them again. Your tastes may have changed

Birthdays: Lydia Child. author and abolitionist 1802, Alexander H. Stephens, political leader 1812, Thomas Edison, American inventor 1847, Sir Vivian Ernest Fuchs, geologist and explorer 1908, Joseph L. Mankiewicz, director, screenwriter, producer 1909, Eva Gabor, actress 1919, Farouk I, king of Egypt 1920, Burt Reynolds, actor 1936, Manuel Noriega, Panamanian General 1938, Sheryl Crow, singer 1962, Jennifer Aniston, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

An old man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentine cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet displays of hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."

The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods." The old man says, "Really?" The clerk said, "Yes sir, they’re called darts."

Jack asked his friend, Jimmy, whether he had bought his ex-wife anything for Valentine's Day. Jimmy, a bit surprised, said, "Yes, In fact, I bought her a new belt and a bag." Jack said, "That was very kind of you, seeing you're divorced and all." Jim said, "I hope she appreciated the thought and that I still think about her. Hopefully, the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:

This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,
Honey Bear

P.S. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

Sam and Rachel are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to her, "Rachel, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me?" Rachel replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." Sam says, "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." Rachel replies, "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." Sam says, "Three times? Well, when were they?"

Rachel says, "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" Sam said, "Oh, Rachel, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

Rachel said, "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

Sam said, "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" Rachel replied, "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

That's it for today my little sugar corn pops. Remember, the trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. Later, I'm going to AREA 51 and see what's happening. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !