My New Webcam

I received a webcam this week as a gift. It has never dawned on me to purchase one, but I wasn't going to turn down a gift. I work from home, so most days, I just get up and hit the 'Net. When I turned on my webcam, I was surprised to see what appeared to be a homeless man on my monitor.

It's now relatively easy to see why Albert Einstein looked so bad in his older pictures. Normally, when I get up and don't have anything scheduled that requires me to leave home, I just roam my abode in sleeping apparel. My cat Shithead doesn't seem to mind, so I just go about my daily routine in an old t-shirt, pajama pants and slippers.

So, here's this silver haired homeless dude, in what appears to be an old, ostensibly white t-shirt, a three day stubbly grey beard and badly fitting CVS reading glasses looking at me on my monitor. He has obviously not bothered to comb his silver locks and I'm thinking, "If someone sees this dude, they'll put him in a home."

I must tell you that the webcam was gifted to me to facilitate an interview with a survey company. Once I realized how bad I looked, it occurred to me that perhaps I should shave, comb my hair and get dressed for the interview.

This morning, at 10 o'clock, I was once again in front of my computer, dressed for the interview. The silver haired old dude was there again, but this time, he looked a little better.....

The News As I See It: The government introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. The food industry says the new rules give schools the flexibility to increase nutrition. The same way elastic waistbands give us the flexibility to keep in shape. Hey, in a world where Kardashians are celebrities, maybe pizzas can be vegetables.

Herman Cain was rambling and embarrassed himself while trying to answer a question about Libya. Some say it proves he’s not qualified to be president. But the good news is, rambling and embarrassing himself does qualify him to be vice president.

Obama is in Australia. When he’s in Australia, his approval ratings go down the toilet in a counter-clockwise motion.

Occupy Wall Street protesters are planning to occupy the subway in New York City. Because if there’s one place to confront the nation’s wealthiest one percent, it’s the subway.

This Date In History: 1820; Captain Nathaniel Palmer discovered Antarctica. 1883 Standard time began in the United States. 1886; Chester A. Arthur, the 21st president of the United States (1881–1885), died in New York at 56. 1928; Mickey Mouse made his debut in Steamboat Willie.

1976; Spain's parliament approved a bill to establish a democracy after 37 years of dictatorship. 1978; Jim Jones, a U.S. pastor, led 914 of his followers to their deaths at Jonestown, Guyana, by drinking a cyanide-laced fruit drink. Cult members who refused to swallow the drink were shot.

2003; The Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled 4-3 that the right to same sex marriage was guaranteed by the state constitution. 2004; The UN Security Council held a two-day session in Nairobi. This was the first time it had convened outside of New York headquarters.

Picture Of The Day: A word stolen from my sweet pal Kathy, "Randomosity" describes today's pictures.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say. "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. 2) It's said that mother's milk is a perfect formula for the child and it provides immunity against several diseases. Personally, I like the cute containers that it comes in. 3) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 4) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas. 5) Mexicans drive lowriders so they won’t have to get out of the car to pick tomatoes.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 18th: Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good way to start the weekend. Don't worry about the rain. it will clear up by tomorrow night. Hopefully, your skin will clear up as well. Romance and possibly money should be heading your way.

Birthdays: My niece Ashley - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Edward Winslow, founders of Plymouth Colony 1595, Canaletto, Venetian painter 1697, King Mongkut, royalty 1804, Lotte Lenya, singer and actress 1898, Pierre Elliott Trudeau former Prime Minister 1919, Chuck Berry, American rock music guitarist, singer, and songwriter 1926.

George C. Scott, actor 1927, Mike Ditka, football 1939, Lee Harvey Oswald, presumed assassin 1939, Ntozake Shange, writer 1948, Martina Navratilova, tennis player 1956, Jean-Claude Van Damme, actor (?) 1960, Wynton Marsalis, trumpeter, bandleader, and composer 1961, Zac Efron, actor 1987.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, getting blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has aspirated the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up and puts her coffee cup down. She neatly folds the newspaper, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, to the boy.

The woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes them, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" The woman replied, "No, divorce attorney."

An old man woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where his wife was already fixing breakfast. He looked to see what she was cooking and he saw one of his socks in the frying pan.

The old man asked, "What are you doing?" His wife said angrily, "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk." Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "Funny, I don't remember asking her to cook my sock...."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. The woman explained, "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed. I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

Jack said, "Don't worry, we'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

Jack dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" Bob said, "Yes, I do." Jack said, "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" A little embarrassed about being found out, Bob said, "Um, yes, I have to admit that I did."

Jack said, "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" Jack said, "She just died and left me everything."

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in New York City. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Occupy Wall Street injury while protesting." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Stepped in dog shit, 20 feet back."

That's it for today my little tweety birds. Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. With any luck, I'll be heading to AREA 51 for a happy hour and more. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Gettin' Close To Party Time !

As we get closer to the holidays, more and more parties are on the horizon and frankly, that's some of the best times of the year. People who normally drink socially get a chance to watch those who rarely touch liquor get the holiday spirit and use the proverbial lampshade as a hat.

Amusing as it is, one has to keep an eye out for the fellow imbiber whose car keys will have to be taken away so that he doesn't kill himself or anybody else. Most people can handle their liquor, but for the few partying amateurs, things can get out of hand. Just a reminder to people who normally don't drink, it's just like sex. Slow and easy does it every time.

For those of you who are unaware, I have a new music site that contains all of my recordings and videos. You can play individual songs or the entire set as if it were a jukebox, similar to my music playlist on the left sidebar. If you would be so kind, please stop by the site and become a fan and also click "like" button for Facebook. I appreciate it.

Here is the link: http://www.reverbnation.com/jimmysullivan1

The News As I See It: Obama attended the first college basketball game ever played on an aircraft carrier. Don't confuse that with the NBA. That's a bunch of guys not playing basketball on a sinking ship.

There was a Republican debate on Saturday and Ron Paul got upset because he only got to speak for 89 seconds. Seriously? Rick Perry gets more time than that to try to remember something.

Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman accused his Republican opponents of coming up with easy sound bites just to get cheap applause. In response, Mitt Romney was like, "That is ridiculous. As Obama said in his 2008 election campaign, "Clap if you want free ice cream!'"

Last weekend in New York, two Occupy Wall Street protesters got married at the protest. They are registered at Bed, Bath, and Seriously, You Need to Take a Bath.

Starbucks announced plans to open a line of juice bars. They would have done this years ago but it took them a while to figure out how to burn orange juice.

This Date In History: 1864; General Sherman and his troops began their "March to the sea" during the Civil War. 1907; Oklahoma became the 46th state. 1933; The United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations.

1973; President Nixon signed the bill authorizing the construction of the Trans-Alaska Pipeline. 2004; President George W. Bush nominated Condoleezza Rice to replace Colin Powell as secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: I spotted some pictures of some of my favorite liquors and I thought post them for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend told me, he needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. 2) A twofold national problem is how to preserve the wilderness in the country and get rid of the jungle in the cities. 3) An old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person. 4) As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes and I can't remember the other two... 5) At six, I was left an orphan. What the hell is a six year old supposed to do with an orphan?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 16th: Timid creatures are often those to find first love. Be less brash, learn to control your flailing arms and farting less. Why not grin like a Cheshire cat? By the way, it's hump day and I know you want to go to happy hour. Just remember that the word "hump" refers to getting over the top of a peak or hill (or in this case mid-week) and not what you were thinking.

Birthdays: My pal Pam - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, W. C. Handy, songwriter 1873, George S. Kaufman, dramatist and journalist 1889, Burgess Meredith, actor 1907, Jose Saramago, novelist 1922, Chinua Achebe, writer 1930, Elizabeth Drew, journalist 1935, Robert Nozick, political philosopher 1938, Maggie Gyllenhaal, actress 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two young med students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a fart. But I was wrong, too."

Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked In the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head. In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Obama and told him to drink it all. Barack drank the concoction and said,"That tasted like bullshit!" The doctor replied, "It was! You were a quart low."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby very diligently. Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "Smack him again! He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

The farmer said, "Why thank you very much," and proceeded to walk the old girl home.On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens!"

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" The guy says, "That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. The midget says, "A female horth." So the guy shows him a prized filly.

The midget says, "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. The midget says, "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So the guy picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

The midget says, "Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth. The midget says, "Nith mouf, can I thee her twat?"

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

That's it for today my little nanny goats. Remember, go now or forever hold your pee. Wednesday is hump day, I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Politics As Usual - Graft, Scandals And The Like

The so-called "Super Committee" is less than 10 days from their deadline and it seems that nothing has been resolved. If the committee fails to come up with a plan to present to Congress, and Congress fails to pass the measure, it would result in automatic politically painful cuts to defense and domestic programs - something neither party wants.

Methinks the term is a misnomer.... A committee? Yes, by definition. Super? Not by the farthest stretch of one's imagination. Super Assholes is a much better term and more aptly describes the committee and Congress in general.

Speaking of assholes, Nancy Pelosi apparently bought $1 million to $5 million of Visa stock in one of the most sought-after and profitable initial public offerings (IPO) in American history while thwarting and blocking serious credit card reform for two years, then watched her investment skyrocket 203%.

The revelation appears in "Throw Them All Out", the new book by investigative journalist and Breitbart editor Peter Schweizer, which was the focus of 60 Minutes on CBS this evening, and which is featured in this week’s issue of Newsweek.

Schweizer’s investigation of Pelosi and other members of Congress – from both parties – raises a critical question: should it be legal for lawmakers to buy stocks in companies directly affected by their legislative efforts?

The News As I See It: There's a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California.

The Italian prime minister has stepped down. He's looking forward to spending more time with his wife and five hookers.

President Obama’s personal assistant Reggie Love has announced he will be leaving the White House. Reggie Love plans to return to his previous job hosting a smooth jazz station in Chicago.

This Date In History: 1851; Herman Melville's novel Moby Dick was published.
1889; Nellie Bly set out to beat Jules Verne's fictional Phileas Fogg's time of 80 days to travel around the world. She did it in 72. 1922; The British Broadcasting Corporation began its domestic radio service. 1969 Apollo 12, the second manned lunar expedition, was launched.

1995; The U.S. federal government began a partial shut down of government services after the U.S. Congress could not pass a budget. 2002; Nancy Pelosi of California became the first woman to lead a party in Congress. 2003; The most distant object ever found in our solar system, named Sedna, was discovered by astronomers at the Mount Palomar Observatory.

Picture Of The Day: Just silly pictures today. Cut me some slack, it's Monday.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) In an intellectually equal society, who will be the busboys? 2) The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. 3) Never play leapfrog with a rhinoceros. 4) My friend said to me, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." I said, "Really? What kind is it?" He said, "Twelve-thirty." 5) I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistani neighbor Abdul standing on his second floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 14th: As we all know, Mondays suck, but oddly enough, it should be a good day for you. Of course, this premise is based on your using common sense, so that idea you had last night should be put on hold. No chance for romance today, but then again, it's Monday, and no one does it on Monday.

Birthdays: Robert Fulton, inventor, engineer, and painter 1765, Claude Monet, painter 1840, Jawaharlal Nehru, first Prime Minister of India 1889, Mamie Eisenhower, First Lady 1896, Aaron Copland, composer 1900, Astrid Lindgren, writer 1907, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, ex-Secretary General of the U.N. 1922, McLean Stevenson, actor 1929, Wendy Carlos, composer and musician 1939, Charles, Prince of Wales, heir to the British throne 1948, Condoleezza Rice, government official 1954.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?" The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door." He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?" She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."

The circus came to town and an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, an old man and a female. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip and chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the lion. The lion leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The lion then circled her, sniffing the air, then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the lion by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the lion's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act. Think you can do better than that?" The old man spit out his cigar and said, "No problem, just get that lion out of the cage!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: This first story is for Brother Kirt and my pals, Everett and Victor, all employed by or retired from the U.S. Post Office.

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

The mailman says, "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I?'" The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Bob says, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." Bob says, "Probably a good thing you did. Your name came up seven times...."

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking. Jack asked, "What's wrong?" The guy answered, "I've been transferred to New Orleans, Louisiana. They have shootings, rapes, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs.....the highest crime rate."

Jack interrupted, "Hold on. I've lived there all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" Jack replied, "I'm the tail gunner on a Budweiser beer truck."

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled "his wife is here with his lunch."

That's it for today my little hula hoops. Remember, we never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Veteran's Day

For most men and women between the ages of 18 to 25, the thought of death or disability seems far fatched. At least it seemed that way in 1963. Most of my friends and myself were innocently enjoying the summer after high school graduation. The growing war in Vietnam seemed remote and the thought of being in the military was not even a thought.

The Selective Service System required men between the ages of 18-25 to register for the draft and most of us complied, still mentally innocent of the growing troubles in Southeast Asia. Then, little by little, one by one, young men weren't around and the news began to spread that "so and so" was drafted by the U.S. Army or "so and so" joined the Marines, Navy, Air Force or Coast Guard. As my friends began to go away to war, I too joined the U.S. Army.

As time pased, the realities of war began to surface. Some of my friends were killed in Vietnam and others were injured, either physically, mentally or both. The war continued to grow and young men and women continued to die.

More than 58,000 men and women died in Vietnam, 303,000 were wounded and 1687 are missing in action. Vietnam brought the reality of life to young people during that area and allows us to appreciate the great sacrifices made by men and women, both past and present who valiantly served America.

Please take the time today to say a prayer for all our soldiers. The price of freedom is very high.

Combat Medic, Specialist 5th Class
James M. Sullivan, Jr.
United States Army Reserve
1966-1971

The News As I See It: The difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry is that it only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence. You know what you call a Democrat who makes as many verbal gaffes as Rick Perry? Mr. Vice President.

They say Rick Perry had a memory lapse. I can understand that. The other day, I remembered Kris and I remembered Khloe but I completely forgot Kourtney.

Michele Bachmann says she won't rest until Obamacare is repealed or until she kidnaps all 101 Dalmatians.

The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They're calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo.

After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura says he's going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in.

This week a deer jumped through the window of a taco restaurant in Georgia. Or as Taco Bell put it, "Hey, sometimes the ingredients just deliver themselves."

This Date In History: 1620; The Mayflower Compact was signed by Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower. It would provide the basis for all governments of the American colonies. 1831; Former slave Nat Turner was executed, probably for horse stealing. 1889; Washington became the 42nd state.

1918; The Allies and Germany signed an armistice ending World War I. 1921; The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was dedicated in Arlington National Cemetery. 1965; Rhodesia proclaimed its independence from Britain.

1992; The Church of England voted to ordain women as priests. 2004; Yasir Arafat, chairman of the Palestine Liberation Organization, died in Paris. Mahmoud Abbas was elected to take his place.

Picture Of The Day: Today's pictures need no explanation. God Bless America.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 2) Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one. 3) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 4) My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 5) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - November 11th: Take the time to thank a soldier today or say a silent prayer for those who cannot be here.

Birthdays: My pal Tommy - Happy Birthday Buddy! 19XX, Feodor Dostoyevsky, Russian novelist 1821, Maude Adams, actress 1872, George Patton, general 1885, Howard Fast, author 1914, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., science fiction writer 1922, Carlos Fuentes, writer, editor, and diplomat 1928 LaVern Baker, singer 1929, Calista Flockhart, actress 1964, Leonardo DiCaprio, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A captain in the Army was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "Bring in the camel." The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters.

The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The sergeant replied, "No sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. His father asked, "So, did you jump?"

The young man said, "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" The father said, "Is that when you jumped?" The young man replied, "Not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." The father said, "Did you jump then?"

The son said, "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." The father said, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go."

he son continued, "Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'"

The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Well, a little, at first."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion - your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room and said, "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. The orderly said, "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed.

The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" The general barked, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" The nurse said, "Yes I have, General, but never with a daffodil."

A touchy-CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?" The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."

That's it for today my little apple tarts. Remember, the sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Jimmy's Journal - Late, Late Wednesday Edition

Miss Manners does not mention them, chiefly because they are unmentionable, but you all know what they are. At any rate, these are noises that are acknowledged by neither the noisemaker nor the noise recipient, because socially they do not exist. The practice of staring hard at the person next to you when, for instance, your own stomach has given off a loud rumble, is therefore to be condemned on grounds of etiquette as well as morals.

In other words, if someone nearby cuts the cheese, the correct response is.....nothing. Socially, the event did not happen, therefore to comment upon it would show a lack of culture. Therefore, you may now let loose with impunity. Should the person next to you wrinkle her nose or offer comment, you are permitted to laugh inwardly at her faux pas. Of course if it was me, I'd merely ask, "Excuse me, did you fart? Hmmm....., I guess it must have been me."

The News As I See It: A new poll taken abroad found that President Obama's policies are more popular overseas than they are here in America. That's because he's created more jobs overseas than here in America.

According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, "We're still getting used to having a Muslim president."

Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe O'Biden speech. Conrad was found guilty, but Jackson's plastic surgeon walks away free. How does that happen?

I don't think Herman Cain is well versed on foreign affairs. A reporter asked him how he would handle Greece, and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza.

A fourth woman has come forward with accusations of sexual harassment by Herman Cain dating back to the late '90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and Gloria Allred is her lawyer. Allred maintains a press podium in her living room for gold digging instances just like this. Kinda reminds me of Al "Have podium, will travel" Sharpton.

Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

The Aflac duck balloon will debut this year at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. If you think that’s weird, wait till you see the balloon for that old guy from the Cialis commercials.

This Date In History: 1888; Jack the Ripper killed his last victim, Mary Jane Kelly. 1938; Nazis burned and looted temples and Jewish-owned stores and houses in Germany and Austria in what became known as Kristallnacht (Crystal Night—referring to broken glass on streets). 1953; Author-poet Dylan Thomas died in New York at age 39.

1965; A switch at a station near Niagara Falls failed. The Northeast and parts of Canada went dark for more than 13 hours. 1970; Former French president Charles De Gaulle died at age 79. 1989; Borders between East and West Germany were opened and the Berlin Wall began to be dismantled the next day.

Picture Of The Day: ....and then I wrote the song, "Inflatulation", but it never sold more than a few hundred copies.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 2) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. 3) I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got their tits caught in a zipper. 4) I went to the National Schizophrenic's Convention. Anybody who's everybody was there. 5) Hey, I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - November 9th: Judging from the theme of today's journal, I'd carry some Beano tablets with you tonight if you're going to happy hour. If you're staying in, just advise your loved ones, cage and cover the pets and let 'er rip.

Birthdays: Benjamin Banneker, mathematician, astronomer, surveyor 1731, Gail Borden, dairyman, surveyor, and inventor 1801, Elijah Lovejoy, abolitionist 1802, Ivan Turgenev, novelist 1818, Stanford White, architect 1853, Anne Sexton, poet 1928, Lou Ferrigno, actor 1951, David Duva, golfer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma,you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together. The guy mentions none of this to his fiancé. They marry and go on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first! No one has ever touched these breasts." Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, "You're the first! No one has ever touched me here."

Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, it's still in the crate!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. She complained, "You'll fart your guts out one of these days."

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's ass. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. The old man said, "You was right all along honey. I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor. "It's terrible. I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?" Aunt Cora replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Cora responded. "Of course I do. I take a magazine."

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to him, "I just passed a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He leans over to her and replies, "I think you need to put a new battery in your hearing aid..."

Possibly it was the excitement of going out with Dave, her new boyfriend, for the first time. Alternatively, it could have been something she had eaten. Whatever the reason, Caroline had been stricken for the last hour with a rather bad attack of wind.

By the time her date arrived it was all she could do to get from the house and into the car without disgracing herself. As Dave closed the door on her side and walked round to his, in desperation Caroline exploded with a very large and loud fart.

Dave, getting into the driving seat, appeared not to have noticed. However, turning to her and indicating towards the back seat he said, "Let me introduce my two friends, Linda and Brian. I thought they would like to join us tonight!"

That's it for today my little licoric sticks. Remember, those who say they "sleep like a baby", obviously haven't got one. It's hump day and that means happy hour at AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !