Political Parties Just Blow Smoke Up Your Ass

Political parties are nothing more than pseudo national corporations competing to buy the government for the next four years for the sole purpose of feathering their own nests. They are immoral and corrupt and they could care less about average citizens.

Starting with Obama's knowing "Lie of the year" ("If you like your doctor, you can keep...." ad nauseum) and all the politicians before him, there might be ten percent with good intentions and the rest are lying, thieving assholes.

People look at who donated money to whom. Back in the day, I worked behind the scenes in local government and most business people donated money to friend and foe alike. Why? Because we knew we could go back to them for a favor. That's the way it works, folks. One dirty hand trying to wash another dirty hand.

One day, the sheeple of the world will wake up and collectively say, "Hey, that's not right" and then do something about it. Maybe as early as 2016......

The News As I See It: Kim Kardashian reached 45 million followers on Instagram yesterday and celebrated the only way she knows how, by establishing a public awareness campaign to raise money to build wells in southern Sudan. Just kidding, she posted another selfie.

The President of Guatemala, Otto Perez Molina, resigned yesterday after a judge ruled to jail him because of a fraud scandal. But today, another judge overruled it, which means that next week Molina will be starting for the New England Patriots.

Colin Powell, the Bush administration’s secretary of state, has come out in support of the Iran nuclear deal, and is calling the agreement "remarkable" Colin, you old RINO, everyone knows you're a closet democrat. I do appreciate your staying true to the 'hood though.

Congress was back in session after a five-week summer break. They have until September 30 to pass a budget to ensure that the government stays up and running, or else they will be forced to, well, I guess go back on vacation.

This Date In History: 1776; The Second Continental Congress changed the name of the nation to the United States of America, from the United Colonies.

1850; California became the 31st state. 1893 President Grover Cleveland's daughter, Esther Cleveland, became the first president's child to be born in the White House.

1926; The National Broadcasting Company (NBC) was created by the Radio Corporation of America. 1948; The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea) was created.

1956; Elvis Presley appeared on television for the first time on The Ed Sullivan Show. 1976; Communist Chinese leader Mao Zedong died in Beijing at age 82.

Picture Of The Day: Now there's an honest face.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated which is kinda funny 'cause so does my Uncle. 2) Sometimes, when I am reading a good book, I stop to call and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

3) I got lost once when I was a kid. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide." 4) When I die, on my tombstone I want to replace "R.I.P." with "BRB (LOL)".

5) They want to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. Is that a good idea? Do you really want to hear, "My dreams for the future include world peace and that my ex-husband gets run over by a bus.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 9th: Remember that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. This information may or may not affect your actions when handing a glass of water to your mother-in-law.

Birthdays: Luigi Galvani, physician 1737, William Bligh, British admiral 1754, Leo Tolstoy, Russian novelist and philosopher 1828, Otis Redding, singer, songwriter 1941, Michael Keaton, actor 1951, Hugh Grant, actor 1960, Adam Sandler, comedian, musician, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?" The second old man replied, "I think she's dead!"

The first old man said, "What do you mean you think she is dead?" The second old man replied, "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

A police officer in Pennsylvania was interviewing an old man who was a witness to a murder. The cop asked, "Did you see what happened?" The old man said, "No but I heard it and I know who did it" The cop, a bit dubious, said, "What did you hear?"

The old man said, "Clip-clop, clip-clop, Bang!, clip-clop, clip-clop." The cop said, "And from that you know what happened?" The old timer said, "Yep, it was an Amish drive-by."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy.

John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex.

He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised.

John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.

After John polled his group several more times he noticed an old guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.

The old guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The old guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second guy says, "Well, she is young, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts and a tight ass. What does your wife look like?" The first guy says, "Never mind, let's just look for yours."

That's it for today, my little bean sprouts. Remember, if you have to release bad news to the public, it helps if you are not ugly. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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Odds And Ends - Mostly Odd

Credit card interest rates average 15.06 percent. The amount banks pay to customers range from .01 percent on savings accounts to .08 percent for a CD. Uh, what's wrong with this picture?

There are over 1,000 troops in Iraq. Obama says there are not now and will not be any (trite cliche) "boots on the ground". Obie says that confidently about the troops because he sent them there wearing golf shoes.

3,000 troops to Africa to stop Ebola? Yeah, that's a good idea. When Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi heard this, they looked it up on Google maps. How about sending those 3,000 troops to the southern border. Charity begins in the home.

I'm beginning to see more and more political ads as we near the mid-term November elections. It's the same old rhetoric. In Florida, the gubernatorial race has incumbent Rick Scott (R) and challenger Charlie Christ (D) exchanging charges of misconduct, theft, malfeasance and bribery. They're both correct.

The News As I See It: Bill Clinton criticized Republicans for spending all their time dissing Obama. The Iowans missed the rest of the speech because they were busy looking up the word "dissing."

Hillary Clinton also gave a speech in Iowa. She fueled speculation that she’ll run for president when she admitted that she's "thinking about it." Next week, she'll be "thinking about it" when she's in New Hampshire before she spends a few days "thinking about it" in Florida.

Vice President Joe Biden traveled to Iowa this week, as well, three days after Hillary Clinton’s high-profile return to the state. He’ll spend two days there - one campaigning and another stuck in a corn maze.

Actually, Biden will be in Iowa to help a group of nuns called "Nuns on the Bus" kick off their voter registration tour. Biden says it's his way of giving back, while the nuns say it's God's way of testing their faith.

The FBI debuted its new facial recognition software which will archive the faces of tens of millions of Americans every day. This groundbreaking, amazing new software is called Facebook.

The iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus received 4 million pre-orders in the first 24 hours. Meanwhile, the new Blackberry keeps driving by your house to see if you’re home.

Apple gave the new U2 album to all of their customers for free. It just showed up in their iTunes. People were upset about it. There was so much backlash that Apple built a web page specifically for users to delete the album from their accounts. You just enter your birthday and if you’re under 40 years old, it deletes the album.

Al-Qaida has issued an online message denying allegations that their organization is in decline, although I don’t think it helped that they posted it on LinkedIn.

ABC broadcasted the Miss America Pageant. It's the annual competition in which women parade their almost naked bodies in front of a panel of judges. Whomever is deemed to have the best one gets a scholarship so she can never have to parade her almost naked body around for money again.

This Date In History: 1787; The Constitution was completed and signed by a majority of the delegates attending the constitutional convention in Philadelphia. 1862; The bloodiest day in U.S. military history occurred at the Battle of Antietam when more than 23,000 were killed or wounded.

1908; Lt. Thomas Selfridge, a passenger in a plane piloted by Orville Wright, became the first airplane fatality when the craft crashed. 1920; The American Professional Football Association, a precursor of the NFL, was formed in Canton, Ohio.

1980; Anastasio Somoza Debayle, former president of Nicaragua, was assassinated in Paraguay. 1994; Heather Whitestone of Alabama became the first deaf Miss America. 2004; Barry Bonds became the third baseball player to hit 700 career home runs, joining Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth.

Picture Of The Day: A floating houseboat in the remote waters of British Columbia, Canada. I could spend a month there.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cleaning the house while kids are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos. 2) Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 1,582 times, you're a weatherman. 3) I got chased by a thief trying to steal my wallet. I got away, but he gave me a good run for my money!

4) Chuck E. Cheese will make you never want to have children. Unfortunately, when you finally go there, it's too late. 5) I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering a pizza to be delivered to the bar and another one to my house.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 17th: Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver. Of course, you're not, but it's the thought that counts. Today should be good for you but I wouldn't eat any seafood. Come to think of it, I wouldn't go near any body of water in your condition.

Birthdays: Christian Louis Lange, pacifist 1869, William Carlos Williams, poet and physician 1883, Warren Earl Burger, fifteenth Chief Justice of the United States 1907, Hank Williams, country singer 1923, Anne Bancroft, actress 1931, David H. Souter, Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."

He continued, "From now on when I say 'Bell 1', I want you to strip naked. When say 'Bell 2', I want you to jump in bed. And when I say 'Bell 3', we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!" The husband asked, "What the hell is Bell 4?" His wife replied, "Roll out more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!"

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

They went on and on, then the Greek says, "We invented sex." The Italian says, "That's true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.

The service station attendant asked, "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" The woman said, "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." The attendant said, "Ah, that explains it, ma'am........Indians ride bareback."

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

The priest takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "That my bike."

That's it for today, my little goobers. Remember, when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. It's time for an AREA 51 adventure at happy hour. See you there.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

The Only Thing Worse Than A Cheap Suit Is A Cheap Politician

I know that this is not news for most of you, but I abhor and loathe politicians. With the numerous cable news shows, along with the major networks, there are many platforms from which stupid politicians can parrot their particular views of how things should be.

Bear in mind that news is a 24/7/365 industry and there are just so many ways you can report a story. That is, unless it benefits your cause or way of thinking. Politically left leaning or right leaning news shows often describe the same incident differently. For the most part, this occurs because of who happens to butter their bread.

Parroting phrases normally indicates to me that that the politician is a band wagon rider and not a leader. Probably the most annoying catch-phrase I've heard over the past few years was "Kick the can down the road." This thought can be made in many ways, yet, the typical politician often falls back on a sure thing rather than show his ignorance or inability to speak.

Another source of irritation for me, especially in the House of Representatives, is Gerrymandering. This is when an area is cut up to form a precinct or district that is conducive to certain sects or followers. Inevitably, the representatives from some of these areas are borderline illiterate. While unfortunate, ofttimes this is the only representation an area can get.

Sometimes, especially when someone makes a stupid statement, I find myself yelling at the TV in anger. I do, however, make a mental note to control my outbursts over things I cannot change......at least until they put me in a home.

The News As I See It: Tonight AMC will begin airing a "Breaking Bad" marathon that will show every episode of the show leading up to Sunday's series finale. It ends with Walter White dying in a hospital waiting room while filling out all the paperwork for Obamacare.

Breaking Bad won the Emmy for best drama. When they won, they thanked their agents, families and of course, the makers of Sudafed. The ratings for Breaking Bad have skyrocketed and so has the number of high school kids now taking chemistry.

Sunday is the last episode of "Breaking Bad." So from now on, if you want to see psychotic murderers attack each other on Sunday, you will have to watch the NFL.

At the U.N. this week, Obama gave a big speech on the Middle East. The leaders from the Middle East said, "You have touched our hearts, and from now on we shall have peace." Obama said, "Really?" and they said, "No, but the look on your face was priceless."

Obama also met with the president of Nigeria, who advised Obama to eliminate America's debt by sending out fraudulent emails.

Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

White House officials insist that Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal. They said because there was an investigation underway it would have been inappropriate to tell him. Besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about this.

So, Obama didn't know about Benghazi, didn't know about the IRS scandal and didn't know about the AP scandal. Do you know what this means? They took "don't ask, don't tell" out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House.

The NBA is considering introducing jerseys with players' nicknames rather than their last names. Players like the nickname jersey because it's easier for fans to relate to them and harder for women looking for child support to find them.

Britney Spears has signed a two-year deal to perform at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. If you go to Vegas you don’t want to miss that show. They say seeing Britney in concert is the closest thing to seeing her sing live.

Home Depot announced that that it will cut health insurance for its part-time workers because of Obamacare. Home Depot's CEO said he had a hard time breaking the news to employees. That's because it took him three hours to find one.
 

This Date In History: 1775; Ethan Allen was captured by the British. 1789; The first Congress adopted 12 amendments to the Constitution and sent them to the states for ratification. The first ten became the Bill of Rights.

1890; Wilford Woodruff, president of the Mormon church, renounced the practice of polygamy. This paved the way for Utah's acceptance as a state in 1896. 1981; Sandra Day O'Connor was sworn in as the first female justice on the Supreme Court.

2003; It was reported that more than 14,000 had lost their lives in France in a summer heat wave. 2011; King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia grants women the right to vote and run for office in future elections.

Picture Of The Day: This woman is the epitome of ignorance

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I used to call my ex-wife "Hun." She thought it was short for "honey." It was short for short for "Attila." 2) My girlfriend and I are re-enacting "Titanic". We're at the part where Rose is naked on the couch. I can't draw well. I think my pencil may be out of lead. 3) The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over. 4) I think God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a disappointment. 5) When I was little and bad, my father used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 25th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it.

Birthdays: My Mom - Happy Birthday in Heaven! 19XX, My pal Wally - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Claude Perrault, architect, scientist and physician 1613, William Faulkner, American novelist 1897, Mark Rothko, painter 1903, Dmitri Shostakovich, composer 1906, Sir Colin Davis, conductor 1927, Barbara Walters, TV commentator 1931, Glenn Gould, pianist and composer 1932, Michael Douglas, actor 1944, Christopher Reeve, actor, director 1952, Heather Locklear, actress 1961, Catherine Zeta-Jones, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" The husband replied, "Yep, In-laws."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs." The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Syria either."

A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber, grabbed a stuffed bunny from the bedroom and placed it over his wife's exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."

That's it for today, my little lotus blossoms. Remember, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're obligated to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's known as Squid Pro Quo. I'm going to mosey over to AREA 51 for happy hour. It's been a while since I've moseyed.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

There Should Be A Season On Politicians !

One of the biggest things that gripes my ass is seeing politicians on the road in full campaign mode, typically a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up, while their hands rifle through the pockets of followers for contributions. The only people that fall for this American Idol "workin' hard for you" get-up are the sheep who are easily swayed by things they see.

Years ago, I read the phrase, "Believe nothing of what you hear and half of what you see." A truism, the quote attributed to Edgar Allen Poe, is typical of the spin both parties use to describe their version of facts.

Yesterday, in Cushing, Oklahoma, Obama appeared in his "work mode" garb in front of same oil pipe lines to address a group of his fans, announcing that he was ordering federal agencies to speed up their review of the southern portion of the pipeline (Right! Sure you be). Republicans say it is the northern section that crosses the Canadian border that Obama must act on.

Speaker of the House John Boehner, in a press conference, said, "Today Obama's out in Oklahoma trying to take credit for a part of the pipeline that doesn't even require his approval."

All politicians are liars and thieves. That's one thing you can take to the bank. As long as you have professional politicians funded both over and under the table by special interest groups, nothing of significance will ever be done in our lifetime.

It would be refreshing to see someone from either party come up with a plan or idea and have members of both parties say, "Hey, that's a great plan! Let's do it!" It will never happen, but it would be nice.....

The News As I See It: The candidates are choosing their Secret Service code names. Mitt Romney picked "Javelin" as his Secret Service code name. Rick Santorum chose "Petris" because that's his grandfather's name. Barack Obama chose "Gas prices are not my fault."

The man who created Red Bull energy drink has died at the age of 89. Actually, he died five years ago. He was just so wired, nobody could tell. Red Bull's creator is survived by a very jumpy wife and a bunch of really jittery kids.

Peyton Manning has signed a $96 million deal to play for the Denver Broncos. How ironic is that? Tim Tebow's prayers to help the Broncos win are finally being answered.

Tim Tebow has been traded to the New York Jets. Can you imagine Tim Tebow in New York City? Talk about throwing a Christian to the lions.

March 20th was the first day of spring. I guess it's time for everyone to take down their Christmas lights. Spring is the time of year when the Kardashians lose their winter coats.

Pope Benedict will visit Mexico this weekend. He'll be the first Pope ever to attend spring break. Meanwhile, the State Department is warning spring breakers about the dangers of violence from Mexican drug gangs. So, to avoid the threat, stay out of Los Angeles as well.

According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose voters for Odumbo? People watching Fox News are not voting for him in the first place.

The Republicans were in President Obama's home state. I didn't know they were holding a primary in Kenya.

Disney will lose $200 million on its new movie, "John Carter," about a Civil War soldier on Mars. Disney could tell they were going to lose lots of money when they realized they made a movie about a Civil War soldier on Mars.

This Date In History: 1775; Patrick Henry declared "Give me liberty, or give me death." 1806; Lewis and Clark began their return journey east. 1919; Benito Mussolini founded his own party in Italy, the Fasci di Combattimento.

1983; U.S. President Ronald Reagan proposed a space-based missile defense system called the Strategic Defense Initiative or "Star Wars." 1998; The motion picture epic "Titanic" won 11 Oscars at the 70th Academy Awards, tying it with "Ben-Hur" for the most ever.

2001; Russia's Mir space station ended its 15-year orbit of the Earth, splashing down in the South Pacific. 2003; A U.S. Army convoy was ambushed in Iraq with 11 killed and seven captured, including Pfc. Jessica Lynch.

Picture Of The Day: The Mexican southern border fence.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans. Maybe they're just as good and we're wasting time refrying them. 2) I went to a restaurant and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. The metamorphosis is complete. I just waited until he fell asleep and tipped him over! 3) They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that. 4) My lucky number is four million. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four million! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice." 5) I was peeling an onion and my lady friend noticed a tear in my eye. I told her, "I've never told you this before but onions make me sad!.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 23rd: This day can be very good for you if you play your cards right. Of course, if you play your cards the same way you played them in your last poker game, your results may vary. Chance of romance is 36.41 percent and partly cloudy. Never trust a naked bus driver.

Birthdays: My pal Vegita and the sweet Larissa. Happy Birthday my friends! 19XX, John Bartram, botanist 1699, Pierre Simon Laplace, astronomer and mathematician 1749, William Smith, geologist 1769, Juan Gris, artist 1887, Erich Fromm, psychoanalyst and author 1900, Joan Crawford, actress 1908, Wernher von Braun, scientist 1912, Donald Malcolm Campbell, automobile and boat racer 1921, Roger Bannister, physician, athlete 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?" The second old man replied, "I think she's dead!"

The first old man said, "What do you mean you think she is dead?" The second old man replied, "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. He asked, "Are you trying to steal it?" One old lady said, "Heavens no, we bought it."

The cop said, "Then why don't you drive it away." The old lady said, "We can't drive." The cop asked, "Then why did you buy it?" The other old lady replied, "We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided."

The social worker continued, "You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it."

One day, an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing...."

He thought, "I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"

He continued to think, "I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

His mind continued to wander, "I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't! But you f*ck one goat......."

An eight-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. He said, "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" The kid, after taking a swig of beer, said, "That's nothing! I got laid when I was seven. The Preacher exclaimed, "What? How did that happen?" The kid replied, "I don't know, I was drunk."

That's it for today, my little fur balls. Remember, the early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. AREA 51 and happy hour is mt destination. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !