More Printable Things I Never Told You

I once had a large Alexandrine parakeet named Kiki. I did not name her, the name came with the bird, a gift from a friend. The reason my friend gave me the bird was because that she was a "little bitch from hell." Being one who, a) likes all animals and b) likes a challenge, I accepted the gift.

Kiki was about 14 inches tall and the first thing that happened with Kiki was that she bit me so severely, I came close to wringing her neck to unpry her beak from my finger. Over a period of about six months, Kiki and I became friends through a series of confidence building exercises. The end result was that she always wanted to be with me.

Although these birds are not known for their abilities to speak, I taught her to wolf whistle and eventually she learned to pronounce my name. She could also mimic my beeper and the ring of my cell phone. Her one drawback was that when angered, she would shriek like a banshee.

Kiki had one major flaw. She seemed to think that she and I were an "item" and was jealous of any woman that visited me. She had no problems with men, just women. She also went to sleep when the sun set and rose to the morning dawn. This created a minor problem.

On weekends, I was usually out until late and enjoyed sleeping in until midday. Kiki would have none of that. She would shriek until I got up and attended to her needs.

I never clipped Kiki's wings and she like to fly around the apartment. One day, I noticed that she constantly gazed at a group of wild birds who were very similar to her. One morning, in a fit of guilt over keeping her caged, I open the sliding door, opened her cage and waited to see what happened.

She flew to a nearby tree and for about an hour, I could hear her imitating my beeper and other whistles that I had taught her. Then I saw the flock of birds she had always gazed at and she flew away with them. I saw her once again about a week later with her new friends. She gave me a wolf whistle and I never saw her again. I miss her.....

The News As I See It: I hope everyone had a nice Valentine's Day. Do you know how St. Valentine died? He was beheaded by the emperor Claudius — right after Claudius saw how much he was charging for a dozen roses.

On Valentine's Day, Americans spent $367 million on their pets. That seems like a waste. You don't need to wine and dine your dog. Either way, he's going to hump your leg.

Obama urged men to "go big" for Valentine’s Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China's money can buy.

Papa John's offered a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine's Day. It was for the wife who has everything, except a husband who knows what a woman wants for Valentine's Day.

Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. Well, that all but guarantees Obama's re-election.

China's vice president was in Los Angeles yesterday. When he got off the plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his interpreter doesn't speak Spanish. He said the first place he wanted to go was Hollywood. He wanted to visit where all his favorite pirated DVD movies were made.

The vice president of China showed up at the White House earlier this week. That's what happens when you get behind on the rent. The landlord shows up and starts looking around.

There’s a new channel called "Dog and Cat TV" that offers 24 hours of programming to entertain dogs and cats while their owners are gone. That's crazy. My cat, Shithead, doesn't watch TV, especially since I got him an iPad.

To help save the economy the Government announced that beginning next month, the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors instead of illegals in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I felt sad when I thought about a lot of my readers and then it dawned on me. Crap! I'll see you on the bus!

This Date In History: 1600; Italian philosopher, alchemist, and Copernican theory advocate Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake for heresy by the Inquisition. 1801; The electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr was broken by the House of Representatives who elected Jefferson president.

1817; Baltimore became the first U.S. city lit by gas. 1864; The Confederate submarine Hunley, equipped with an explosive at the end of a protruding spar, rammed and sank the Union's ship Housatonic off the coast of Charleston, S.C. 1904; Puccini's opera Madam Butterfly premiered in Milan.

1972; President Richard Nixon left on his trip to China. 1996; Chess champion Garry Kasparov beat the IBM computer, Deep Blue, winning the six-game match. 2008; Kosovo declared independence from Serbia.

Picture Of The Day: Kiki looked exactly like the bird in the featured photo. On another note, Sister Jeanne, an avid bird and duck enthusiast, always feeds the birds and ducks near her home. Her newest friend is this somewhat rare wood stork who has taken up residence at her home and patiently awaits the daily handouts along with the ducks and other fowl.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. 2) I want to live to a ripe old age so I can go to the supermarket and say really inappropriate things to the girls who work there and they will find it adorable because I'll be old. Right now when I do that, I just get arrested. 3) George Washington’s brother was the Uncle of Our Country. 4) When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 5) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 17th: Keep an open mind because you may be getting a compliment from a member of the opposite sex that you may not understand. As long as it does not involve a whip, handcuffs and a gerbil, go with it. It'll probably be fun, Chance of romance is 44.57 percent. It can be higher if you don't mind the handcuffs.

Birthdays: Arcangelo Corelli, composer and violinist 1653, Samuel Sidney McClure, editor and publisher 1857, Thomas John Watson, Sr., industrialist and philanthropist 1874, Jim Brown, football player 1936, Michael Jordan, American Basketball Player 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man is out in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. He tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled, "You need a piece of tail." 'The man turned with a confused look on his face and said, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the couple was looking pretty scruffy. One morning, the wife came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. She said, "Honey, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" He thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Gary and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A drunk goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks the drunk if he would like to play a game of darts. The bartender says three bull's-eyes wins a prize. The game costs a dollar for three darts. The drunk agrees and throws the first dart: A bull's-eye!

The drunk downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet and throws... Two bulls eyes! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart. Three bulls eyes! All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize. He grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks later, the drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, and he asks the drunk "Say, what did you win the last time?" The drunk responds "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll."

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy replied, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."

That's it for today, my little cupcakes. Remember, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. AREA 51 anyone? Have a terrific weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

I Hate Flying !

I hate to fly! My reason, quite frankly, is that I don't like the idea of crashing. I don't like crowded airports, waiting in line, crying babies or long walks on the beach (Oops, sorry, that last one is from my dating profile). The one thing about traveling by car is that if you crash and don't die, you can crawl to the side of the road and lick your wounds. That particular remedy doesn't work at 30,000 feet.

I always arrive early for my flight because I don't like rushing around. The first problem I have is that I never know what to tip the skycap. Since I'm not rich, I don't like to over-tip but by the same token, I also don't want to have my bags sent to Honolulu when I'm going to Las Vegas.

My pre-911 plans after check-in always entailed finding the nearest airport bar and fueling up while the plane was being fueled up. This flight procedure allows me the intestinal forward to proceed with boarding the plane and put up with the long, boring flight ending presumably in a mentally self-conceived crash.

After 9-11, I had to amend my rules for flying. It was hard enough for me to fly before and now I have to scout the potential passengers on my flight before I can board it. Anyone whose speech sounds like he's gagging or clearing his throat becomes an automatic suspect. Some people may consider this profiling. I consider it self preservation. Anyone wearing sandals also becomes suspect unless the sandals are on a pale old man who's also wearing black socks.

Once on board the plane, it is very easy for me to find my seat. Using Murphy's Law, I know that I can automatically eliminate any vacant seat next to an attractive woman. Using the same logic, I begin to visually scour the plane for a vacant seat next to a woman with a crying infant or a young child screaming at his mother for water, candy or any other unattainable item.

My personal belief is that everyone flying with young children should be forced to sit together along with all of the non-stop talkers. Any child under five pounds should be Fed-Ex-ed to their destination.

If I am seated and the seat next to me is still vacant, I begin my prayer to Saint Johnny Walker Black, the patron saint of fliers who need to drink in order to fly. The prayer asks that the vacant seat next to me be filled with a beautiful girl from Rio De Janeiro. If the said Brazilian girl is with a small infant, then I pray that she is a breast feeder.

Once aloft, I purchase the entire stock of souvenir bottle of Johnny Walker Black for my flight. The amount of scotch I consume is in direct proportion to whoever is seated next to me. If I'm stuck next to a non-stop talker, I normally ask them to excuse me if I don't converse with them because it causes me to barf when I'm drinking. This ploy sometimes results in the talker requesting another seat which suits my purpose.

The remainder of my flight is normally spent in a blissful coma unless, of course, the girl from Rio needs assistance.......

The News As I See It: Yesterday was St. Valentine's day and Americans spent over $13 billion. Guys who forgot Valentine's Day will end up spending over $100 billion.

White Castle offered candlelit dinner service for Valentine's Day. That's the perfect way to tell your partner, "I'm hungry and I don't love you that much."

The 99 Cent Only Store called itself "your Valentine's Day headquarters." Guys who believed that story now call the garage their new home.

Obama said a woman shouldn't have to decide between birth control and buying food. I wonder how he figured that out? Did Michelle buy the birth control and Obie spring for the Church's Fried Chicken?

I saw a picture online of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone in the hospital together. Hopefully, they were both getting a lobotomy. The truth is that Schwarzenegger asked Stallone to be there in case Maria showed up with a scalpel.

This Date In History: 1764; St. Louis, Mo., was founded as a French fur-trading post. 1879; President Rutherford Hayes signed a bill allowing female attorneys to argue cases before the Supreme Court. 1898; USS Maine blew up in Havana harbor, touching off the Spanish-American War. 1913; The New York Armory Show opened, introducing America to Picasso, Duchamp, and Matisse.

1933; Chicago Mayor Anton J. Cermak was killed in an assassination attempt on president-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt in Miami. 1965; The Maple Leaf Flag officially became the new national flag of Canada. 1989; More than 100,000 Soviet troops withdrew from Afghanistan almost 10 years after the USSR invaded the country.

2002; Olympics officials resolved the judging scandal by awarding Canadian pairs figure skaters Jamie Sale and David Pelletier a gold medal while allowing the Russians, Elena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze, to keep their medal. 2003; Millions of protesters around the world demonstrated against the threat of a U.S. war on Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: Need I say more?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A friend asked what I thought about foreign affairs. I told him, "I don't know, I never had one." 2) In the bedroom, just tell them, "Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep until noon. 3) Remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours. 4) The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again. 5) There's no fool like an old fool, but the young ones are coming right along.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 15th: The road to success will be free of traffic today, assuming you remembered your drivers license and proof of insurance. Don't stray into unfamiliar waters unless you are wearing a life vest. Chances of romance are 41.98 percent, but you may get lucky anyway. Did you know that 42 percent of statistics are made up on the spot?

Birthdays: My ex-wife Susie, my pal and fantastic singer-musician Carlos Oliva and my pals, Freddy, Ivana, Kay and Missie. Whew! Happy Birthday All! 19XX, Pedro Menendez de Aviles, colonizer 1519, Galileo Galilei, Italian Astronomer 1564, John Sutter, pioneer 1803, Cyrus McCormick, inventor 1809, Charles Lewis Tiffany, merchant 1812, Susan B. Anthony, reformer 1820, Elihu Root, cabinet member and diplomat 1845, Alfred North Whitehead, mathematician and philosopher 1861, Ernest Henry Shackleton, antarctic explorer 1874, John Barrymore, actor 1882, Jane Seymour, actress 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man with tickets to the Super Bowl finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. The old man says, "No, the seat is empty." The stranger says, "That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The old man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." The stranger replies, "I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

Two old ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

An old man took a Escalade for a test drive, just to drive that it before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all it's wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest.

He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. The old man stated the car must be a Republican car. The salesman asked why he thought it was a Republican car. The man said, "If it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow hot air up your ass all year round."

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts pounding at the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi Darling, your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you get a chance to say 'hello' yet?”

Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Dave walks over and asks Norm what's wrong. Norm replies, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I told you I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" Dave replies with a smile, "Yes." Norm, straightening up says, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

Dave says, "Great, When are you going out?" Norm says, "I went to meet her this evening, but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape out of my truck and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did get a woody, it wouldn't show." Dave says. "That's a good idea."

Norm continues, "So I get to her door and rang her doorbell. She answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." Norm says, "And what happened then?" Norm slumps back over the bar again and says, "I kicked her in the face."

That's it for today, my little wing nuts. Remember, today's jokes do not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself or my cat. No animals were used to test these jokes. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Better Late Than Later (Huh?)

Tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day and I'd like to wish all the ladies a very special and Happy Valentine's Day. Hopefully, it will be a very special day for all the girls. As for the men, I'd like to give you a head's up as to what you may give to your Valentine and what you should definitely avoid giving.

Women are easily pleased if you use your head and an almost guaranteed smile of satisfaction begins with the easiest but most important item you purchase, the Valentine card. The first and most important step is to actually read the card. The size of the card is never as important as the words written inside it. Adding a well thought out, honest and personal note of your own usually completes the thought quite well.

While you may be thinking of items such as jewelry and other expensive items, believe it or not, that is not always the perfect Valentines gift. While no self respecting woman will be unhappy with diamonds or a new Mercedes Benz, this is not always financially feasible. What is relatively easy to do is to make reservations at a very cozy restaurant and take your lady for a relaxing and romantic dinner.

The gift that you choose to buy her (and you should buy something) should be a gift that she probably wouldn't buy for herself. The gift should never be anything that can be used inside the home that involves cooking, vacuuming, sewing or any other mundane chore which would not be otherwise referred to as romantic.

If you choose to buy jewelry, buy quality, not size. A nice perfume is good but a little tricky. The salesgirls usually will know what's good and take their advice, because you definitely will not know. Never buy clothes because I guarantee that whatever you pick will be wrong! Roses are a safe and well received gift but try to pick a distinctive color.

Do Not Purchase the Vermont teddy bear thingy, the pajagram, edible underwear or any other heavily advertised garbage. Guess what? Women watch commercials the day before St. Valentine's Day as well and they know a last minute decision when the see it.

Do Not Purchase a box of chocolates, Forest Gump, it's trite and wreaks of a last minute purchase. If you do succumb to chocolate, make sure it's in addition to your primary gift.

Whatever you purchase for your Valentine, make sure it's from the heart. That, in itself, is the greatest gift you can give.

The News As I See It: Obama is backing down and will not require religious institutions to cover birth control for their employees. He flip-flopped. You know what that means? Mitt Romney is as qualified as Obama to be president.

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

Another famous American converts to Islam. It was announced today that Buckwheat, of "Our Gang" fame, has converted to the Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat. Hopefully, he won't become a cereal killer.

This Date In History: 1635; Boston Latin School, the oldest public school in the United States, was founded. 1866; The gang that included Jesse James and Cole Younger committed their first bank robbery in Liberty, Missouri.

1867; Johann Strauss' Blue Danube waltz premiered in Vienna. 1935; Bruno Hauptmann was found guilty of murder in the Lindbergh kidnapping case. 1960; France exploded its first atomic bomb.

1974; Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who won the 1970 Nobel Prize for literature, was deported from the Soviet Union. 2002; The French judge was accused of throwing the pairs skating decision to the Russians at the Olympics

Picture Of The Day: Potpourri, hodge-podge, et cetera......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The Rules of Life are relatively simple. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape. 2) Your "other car" is just as crummy as the one you're driving. 3) In my high school years, I worked for weeks trying to get a date with a beautiful blonde. While in the living room meeting her parents, her dad said, "Hey, someone tracked dog shit onto the rug." I didn't even have to look at my shoe..... 4) I was dyslexci as a chlid and wrote about it in my dairy. 5) I have no tattoos or body piercings, however I do have several scars from bite marks.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 13th: You are in for a surprise visit this week and this time they won't have a subpoena. Tidy up your home and it wouldn't hurt to work a bit on yourself as well. The surprise visitor may be bearing gifts. Chance of romance is 21.67 percent with a warm front arriving about the same time your special guest arrives (No, you don't have to pay this time). Always take time to tickle you fancy.

Birthdays: Sir Joseph Banks, naturalist 1743, Elizabeth "Bess" Truman, First Lady 1885, Grant Wood,painter 1891, Georges Simenon, mystery writer 1903, William Shockley, physicist 1910, Chuck Yeager, American Aviator 1923, Kim Novak, actress 1933, Stockard Channing, actress 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man went to the mall to buy Valentine cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet displays of hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."

The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods." The old man says, "Really?" The clerk said, "Yes sir, they’re called darts."

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, "Do you have health insurance?" He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Great! Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Sam and Rachel are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to her, "Rachel, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me?" Rachel replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." Sam says, "Yes, Rachel, I really want to know. Please..." Rachel replies, "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." Sam says, "Three times? Well, when were they?"

Rachel says, "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" Sam said, "Oh, Rachel, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

Rachel said, "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

Sam said, "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved.

So, all right then, when was number 3?" Rachel replied, "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short.....?"

Jack asked his friend, Jimmy, whether he had bought his ex-wife anything for Valentine's Day. Jimmy, a bit surprised, said, "Yes, In fact, I bought her a new belt and a bag." Jack said, "That was very kind of you, seeing you're divorced and all." Jimmy said, "I hope she appreciated the thought and that I still think about her. Hopefully, her vacuum cleaner will work better now."

That's it for today, my little valentines. Remember, the more you complain, the longer God lets you live! Happy Valentine's Day, Ladies! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

My Life In The U.S. Army - Part Deux: Fort Sam Houston, Texas

One of the first things I learned in boot camp is don't volunteer any unnecessary information. I learned this lesson from Drill Sgt Tamayo who read my profile information and learned that I was a carpenter. That little tidbit is how I became the company carpenter. I should have said that I was an alcoholic.

After completing basic training. I was transferred to Fort Sam Houston, Texas. Fort Sam seemed like Disneyworld compared to Fort Polk, but don't let a pretty face fool you. The first leader group we encountered were a group of men with purple helmets who gave us preliminary directions as to barracks, training assignments, etc. This particular group we referred to as "grapeheads" and they seemed to live the Life of Riley (ask your parents if you're not familiar with the term).

As it turned out they were nothing more than trainees that had been given temporary rank. Almost immediately, several other men and myself were culled from the group and told that because of our high training scores, we were to become "grapeheads." I'm thinking if I have to be here, I may as well have rank.

I quickly learned that to become a grapehead, you had to extend your training an additional three weeks. During my interview, I gave every possible bad answer I could think of and, alas, I did not make the cut. I had been through this before in basic training when I was advised that they wanted to make me an officer because of my test scores. Unfortunately, it required me to go to another six months of officer candidate school, which I politely declined. I wanted to be a General anyway and that position was already taken.

So, we began training to be combat medics and the classrooms were actually air-conditioned, unheard of in the Army at the time. We also did a lot of field and combat training, a lot of which involved carrying litters of injured soldiers (a role played by a trainee). Being one of the lightest, I was usually selected for the free ride. This training was also the first time I ever flew in a Huey Helicopter.

After the first three weeks, we finally go our first leave. After being cooped up with a bunch of shaved heads for two months, I was definitely ready to go into San Antonio for some fun. We saw the Alamo and other points of interest including San Antonio's famous River Walk. It was a bit dangerous back in the sixties, but the city has worked hard to make it safe and beautiful today.

One of my more fonder memories in San Antonio was the night I went to a popular nightclub and met a pretty senorita named Gloria. We ended up dating during my stay at Fort Sam.

The bottom line? I wouldn't want to go through that period again, but in retrospect, I'm glad I did!

The IRS sent my Tax Return back! They said it was because of my response to the question: List all dependents. I entered: 12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 42 million unemployable people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, half of Mexico and 535 fools in the Presidency, U.S. House and Senate.

Evidently, this was not an acceptable answer. I wonder who I left out?

The News As I See It: Mitt Romney said today that he learned something. There are things that money can't buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri. Romney's campaign is in such bad shape, today he moved the part in his hair even further to the right.

Apple is facing a $38 million fine in China because the word "iPad" is trademarked by a Chinese company. Apple was nervous about owing money to China — but then Obama was like, "Ah, you get used to it."

Starbucks is coming out with a new product that lets you consume caffeine by inhaling it. The product brings Starbucks one step closer to its ultimate dream - charging $9 for air.

Jack in the Box just came out with a bacon milkshake. They also changed their name to Jack in the Coffin.

This Date In History: 1763; Treaty of Paris signed, ending the French and Indian War. France ceded Canada and all its North American territories east of the Mississippi to Great Britain. 1837; Russian poet and novelist Alexander Pushkin was killed in a duel.

1840; Queen Victoria married Prince Albert. 1942; Glenn Miller received the first ever gold record for selling a million copies of "Chattanooga Choo Choo." 1962; The Soviet Union exchanged captured American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers for Rudolph Abel, a Soviet spy held by the United States.

1967; The 25th Amendment was ratified, establishing presidential succession. 1996; IBM's computer, Deep Blue, beat the world chess champion, Garry Kasparov, in the first game of their match. 2005; Pulitzer Prize winning playwright Arthur Miller died.

Picture Of The Day: The beautiful San Antonio River Walk was a welcome change from Army life. The other pictures dressed in medica whites were taken at various hospitals where I served, specifically Fort Jackson and Fort Bragg.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. 2) I know that being absent minded is part of growing older, but I hate it when they find me following chickens and other barnyard animals around. 3) You tell when a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil. 4) I got a disease from kissing my pet bird. It's call Chirpes. It's a canareal disease, but it's tweetable. 5) There's nothing better than a good friend except a good friend with chocolate.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 10th: This might be your day if you play your cards right. The moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter seems to be aligning with Mars. No word from Pluto yet. Anywho, wise financial moves may increase you cash flow problem. No, not the lottery. I said "wise" moves. Chance of romance is 81.23 percent but sex is out of the question. Buy low, sell high!

Birthdays: Harrison Gray Otis, soldier and journalist 1837, Jimmy Durante, comedian, actor 1893, John F. Enders, bacteriologist 1897, Bertolt Brecht, dramatist 1898, Leontyne Price, opera singer 1927, Robert Wagner, actor 1930, Roberta Flack, singer, songwriter 1939, Peter Allen, singer, songwriter 1944, Mark Spitz, swimmer 1950, Laura Dern, actress 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was sunbathing naked on Miami Beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

An old woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

A woman and a man were both asked to write their answer to the following question: What Do You Look For In Choosing A Spouse?

The woman wrote: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, and when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other and relish visits with my mother.

The man wrote: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Skip for his contribution to today's stories.

Two psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes. The seminar leader said, "Just to establish some parameters, Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?" Mr. Nichols replied, "Sadness."

The leader responded, "Correct! And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?" Mr. Biggs replied, "Elation." The leader said, "That's right!"The leader tirned to Bubba and asked, "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?" Bubba replied, "I believe that would be giddyup."

Two good ole boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

A few years ago, President George "Dubya" Bush flew aboard Air Force One to Heathrow Airport in England. A 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out and Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a 1937 silver Bentley to the edge of London where they boarded an open 17th century coach that was hitched to 6 magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their sides and waiving to the thousands lining the streets, all was going well. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip one of the most horrific, earth shattering, eye tearing blasts of flatulence and the coach filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner in which to handle this embarrassing situation. She turned to President bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen can't control."

Georgie Dubya replied, "Your majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know if you hadn't said something, I would have assumed it was one of the horses!"

That's it for today, my little piccolo players. Remember, when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.99 a minute (or so I'm told). It's Friday and happy hour in AREA 51 is definitely in order. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !