It Was Love At First Sight - I Should Have Looked Twice

Tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day, a special day when men make that last minute attempt to come up with a semi-clever way to say "I Love You" to their significant other. I'm no expert, but I can give you a few ideas as to what not to give.

Let's begin with the 4 1/2 foot tall Vermont Teddy Bear. 4 1/2 feet tall....and....it's guaranteed for life. By whom? For life? Who keeps an overgrown teddy bear for life? Who gets custody of old Teddy if there's a divorce? Will there be child support payments until he's eighteen?

Additionally, a big ix-nay for the Pajamagrams and Hoodie-Footies. If you opt to go with these items, I'd keep a nice tennis bracelet or earrings for her as a backup. But that's just me.....

Other bad ideas for St. Valentine's Day gifts include:

1) Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.
2) Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
3) Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
4) Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
5) Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.

The bottom line? If the gift is heartfelt and sincere, most anything will make them happy. You see, it's the thought that counts.....
 

The News As I See It: Obama gave his State of the Union address last night. It was a real break from tradition. When Obie walked into the chamber, instead of "Hail to the Chief," they played "Hey, Big Spender." I gave up trying to decipher his new code words for new taxes about half-way through the speech and went to a more intelligent program - Honey Boo Boo.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it's a false argument to say that the white house have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what they actually have is a "We don't have a clue" problem.

The Pope is resigning. He said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. I guess he took that Notre Dame loss to Alabama a lot harder than people thought. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.

The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well.

Now the Cardinals will vote for a new pope. When the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel.

Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!
 

This Date In History: 1866; The gang that included Jesse James and Cole Younger committed their first bank robbery in Liberty, Missouri. 1867; Johann Strauss's Blue Danube waltz premiered in Vienna. 1935; Bruno Hauptmann was found guilty of murder in the Lindbergh kidnapping case.

1960; France exploded its first atomic bomb. 1974; Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who won the 1970 Nobel Prize for literature, was deported from the Soviet Union. 2002; The French judge was accused of throwing the pairs skating decision to the Russians at the Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: The peace and tranquility of the bayous, sloughs and backwaters of the mysterious swamplands found in the Florida Everglades, Okefenokee Swamp and the Louisiana bayous.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Admitting to shooting the sheriff is not a good alibi when being accused of shooting the deputy. 2) That whole "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" thing doesn't work so well with cats. 3) Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. 4) I once wired St. Valentine's Day flowers for my lovely wife, but she found the fuse. 5) Over the years, I have learned that writing poetry for St. Valentine's Day, no matter how heartfelt, should not begin with, "There was once a girl from Nantucket".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 13th: Today is a great day for lovers everywhere. Your instincts will help you find love in places where people are either inebriated or are known to be easy.

Birthdays: Sir Joseph Banks, naturalist 1743, Elizabeth "Bess" Truman, First Lady 1885, Grant Wood, painter 1891, Georges Simenon, mystery writer 1903, William Shockley, physicist 1910, Chuck Yeager, American aviator 1923, Kim Novak, actress 1933, Stockard Channing actress 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the animal that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge."

He continued, "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll screw her again!"

An old Cherokee once told his grandson, "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth."

The boy thought about it and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

While sharing prayers in church, Jill rose and said, "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. Jill said, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He can hardly lift anything and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need."

Jill continued, "He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain. He leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

That's it for today, my little munchkins. Remember, sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Better Late Than Later (Huh?)

Tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day and I'd like to wish all the ladies a very special and Happy Valentine's Day. Hopefully, it will be a very special day for all the girls. As for the men, I'd like to give you a head's up as to what you may give to your Valentine and what you should definitely avoid giving.

Women are easily pleased if you use your head and an almost guaranteed smile of satisfaction begins with the easiest but most important item you purchase, the Valentine card. The first and most important step is to actually read the card. The size of the card is never as important as the words written inside it. Adding a well thought out, honest and personal note of your own usually completes the thought quite well.

While you may be thinking of items such as jewelry and other expensive items, believe it or not, that is not always the perfect Valentines gift. While no self respecting woman will be unhappy with diamonds or a new Mercedes Benz, this is not always financially feasible. What is relatively easy to do is to make reservations at a very cozy restaurant and take your lady for a relaxing and romantic dinner.

The gift that you choose to buy her (and you should buy something) should be a gift that she probably wouldn't buy for herself. The gift should never be anything that can be used inside the home that involves cooking, vacuuming, sewing or any other mundane chore which would not be otherwise referred to as romantic.

If you choose to buy jewelry, buy quality, not size. A nice perfume is good but a little tricky. The salesgirls usually will know what's good and take their advice, because you definitely will not know. Never buy clothes because I guarantee that whatever you pick will be wrong! Roses are a safe and well received gift but try to pick a distinctive color.

Do Not Purchase the Vermont teddy bear thingy, the pajagram, edible underwear or any other heavily advertised garbage. Guess what? Women watch commercials the day before St. Valentine's Day as well and they know a last minute decision when the see it.

Do Not Purchase a box of chocolates, Forest Gump, it's trite and wreaks of a last minute purchase. If you do succumb to chocolate, make sure it's in addition to your primary gift.

Whatever you purchase for your Valentine, make sure it's from the heart. That, in itself, is the greatest gift you can give.

The News As I See It: Obama is backing down and will not require religious institutions to cover birth control for their employees. He flip-flopped. You know what that means? Mitt Romney is as qualified as Obama to be president.

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

Another famous American converts to Islam. It was announced today that Buckwheat, of "Our Gang" fame, has converted to the Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat. Hopefully, he won't become a cereal killer.

This Date In History: 1635; Boston Latin School, the oldest public school in the United States, was founded. 1866; The gang that included Jesse James and Cole Younger committed their first bank robbery in Liberty, Missouri.

1867; Johann Strauss' Blue Danube waltz premiered in Vienna. 1935; Bruno Hauptmann was found guilty of murder in the Lindbergh kidnapping case. 1960; France exploded its first atomic bomb.

1974; Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who won the 1970 Nobel Prize for literature, was deported from the Soviet Union. 2002; The French judge was accused of throwing the pairs skating decision to the Russians at the Olympics

Picture Of The Day: Potpourri, hodge-podge, et cetera......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The Rules of Life are relatively simple. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape. 2) Your "other car" is just as crummy as the one you're driving. 3) In my high school years, I worked for weeks trying to get a date with a beautiful blonde. While in the living room meeting her parents, her dad said, "Hey, someone tracked dog shit onto the rug." I didn't even have to look at my shoe..... 4) I was dyslexci as a chlid and wrote about it in my dairy. 5) I have no tattoos or body piercings, however I do have several scars from bite marks.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 13th: You are in for a surprise visit this week and this time they won't have a subpoena. Tidy up your home and it wouldn't hurt to work a bit on yourself as well. The surprise visitor may be bearing gifts. Chance of romance is 21.67 percent with a warm front arriving about the same time your special guest arrives (No, you don't have to pay this time). Always take time to tickle you fancy.

Birthdays: Sir Joseph Banks, naturalist 1743, Elizabeth "Bess" Truman, First Lady 1885, Grant Wood,painter 1891, Georges Simenon, mystery writer 1903, William Shockley, physicist 1910, Chuck Yeager, American Aviator 1923, Kim Novak, actress 1933, Stockard Channing, actress 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man went to the mall to buy Valentine cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet displays of hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."

The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods." The old man says, "Really?" The clerk said, "Yes sir, they’re called darts."

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, "Do you have health insurance?" He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Great! Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Sam and Rachel are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to her, "Rachel, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me?" Rachel replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." Sam says, "Yes, Rachel, I really want to know. Please..." Rachel replies, "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." Sam says, "Three times? Well, when were they?"

Rachel says, "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" Sam said, "Oh, Rachel, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

Rachel said, "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

Sam said, "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved.

So, all right then, when was number 3?" Rachel replied, "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short.....?"

Jack asked his friend, Jimmy, whether he had bought his ex-wife anything for Valentine's Day. Jimmy, a bit surprised, said, "Yes, In fact, I bought her a new belt and a bag." Jack said, "That was very kind of you, seeing you're divorced and all." Jimmy said, "I hope she appreciated the thought and that I still think about her. Hopefully, her vacuum cleaner will work better now."

That's it for today, my little valentines. Remember, the more you complain, the longer God lets you live! Happy Valentine's Day, Ladies! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !