Party Like There's No Tomaya !

Well, I've finished packing for Friday's apocalypse. The Mayan Channel forecast for Thursday is: Cloudy, chance of showers with a high of 39. Friday's forecast is: Volcanos, asteroid strikes and apocalypse.

I mean what do you take? What do you leave behind? If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Friday with people trying to get out of town for the end of the world weekend.

Some believe there will be massive earthquakes and floods on Friday. Others think a planet will collide with the earth. I believe the end of the world will come about in a much more stupid way, like Michele Obama running for president or Joe Biden spilling a Mountain Dew on the nuclear bomb launch panel.

Just wanted to let you know - Today I received my 2013 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, two discount coupons to KFC, an Obama "Hope and Change" bumper sticker, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my ass and a "Blame it on Bush" poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish. Yours should arrive soon.

There’s talk that Jackie Chan may join the cast of "The Expendables 3," along with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hmmm.....Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Chan. That explains the movie’s next title, "The Can’t-Understandables."
 

The News As I See It: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed, passed out, banged her head and got a concussion. She is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against the Ravens and, conveniently of course, the Congressional hearings about Benghazi. I'm assuming that due to the concussion, Hillary's memory about Benghazi will be lost. For the next six weeks, Hillary will be in an orthopedic pants suit.

Sources told ABC News this week that Defense Department official Michael Vickers gave sensitive inside information about the capture of Osama bin Laden to the producers of the movie "Zero Dark Thirty." It’s also being reported that John McCain gave firsthand inside information to the film "Lincoln."

NBC's foreign news correspondent Richard Engel has been freed after being kidnapped and held at gunpoint for five days in Syria by rebels. Even though he was psychologically tortured, he said he was still treated better there than he was here by Comcast.

A 2009 Ford F-150 pickup truck, once owned by President George W. Bush, is going up for auction in a couple of weeks. All the proceeds will go to military families. Obama should buy this truck because when something goes wrong he can blame it on Bush.

Actress Anne Hathaway was photographed stepping out of a car last week with no panties on. That's still not as embarrassing as the time she hosted the Oscars. You know the economy is bad when even the most successful celebrities can't afford underwear.

A woman in Spain was arrested for stashing three pounds of cocaine in her breast implants. I thought, "That's quite a bust."

To get you into the Christmas spirit, check out the rapper by the name of 2 Chainz. He kinda reminds me of a young ghetto Bing Crosby.

This Date In History: 1732; Benjamin Franklin began publishing Poor Richard's Almanac. 1776; Thomas Paine published his first American Crisis essay, in which he wrote, "These are the times that try men's souls." 1843; Charles Dickens published "A Christmas Carol."

1946; War broke out in Indochina when Ho Chi Minh attacked the French. 1972; Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings.  1984; Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997.

1998; President Bill Clinton impeached on two counts by the House of Representatives. 2003; Muammar al-Qaddafi of Libya announced that his country would discontinue development of weapons of mass destruction.

Picture Of The Day: Just good friends.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan. 2) When I argue with my girlfriend, I always get in the last word. It's just that sometimes she can't hear it. 3) Time magazine announced that Obama is "Time's Man Of The Year." This is is in addition to his other title of "The Anointed One." 4) A tree fell in the forest. A man didn't hear it. He's dead now.  5) My friend bought her Christmas tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 19th: Avoid low-level lighting this week and any power lines that you might have to pass under on the way to work. Tomatoes can be your best friend. Go Red for the day (This horoscope is not sponsored by Heinz or the Communist Party). Being sexy and being sexist are not one and the same. Your face may become sore and chapped today due to all the slapping.

Birthdays: Ford Frick sportswriter and radio announcer 1894, Sir Ralph Richardson actor 1902, Leonid Brezhnev political leader 1906, Jean Genet playwright 1910, Edith Piaf cabaret singer 1915, Doug Harvey hockey player 1924, Cicely Tyson actress 1933, Alberto Tomba alpine skier 1966, Alyssa Milano actor 1972, Jake Gyllenhaal actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A California couple had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision — why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" The priest says, "Just water." The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda in Washington State and  Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

Golf Club Sign:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
5. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
6. IF YOU TAKE TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
7. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
8. QUIET PLEASE WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
9. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE - NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.

John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

He moaned, "Louise, tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" Louise answered, "Even worse. You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

John said, "He's an asshole! Piss on him." Louise said, "You did, and he fired you." John said, "Well, screw him!" Louise said, "I did. You go back to work on Monday."

That's it for today, my little tinsel toes. Remember, unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Stupid Christmas Gifts - Part Deaux

The list of dimwit Christmas TV ads continues, the latest being those who feel that giving 5-hour Energy drinks is a great Christmas gift idea. I rate this particular idea just above having a colonoscopy.

Of course, watching all the little tykes drinking 5-hour Energy drinks as they're opening their Christmas gifts while already on a candy cane sugar high, may be amusing for the first two to three hours. That is, unless mommy and daddy have a hangover from the Christmas Eve celebrations.

Then again, you may want to consider the following information:

"Minneapolis (WCCO) November 15, 2012 – The Food and Drug Association is investigating after learning that 5-hour Energy drinks were cited in 13 deaths. It’s not just the 13 deaths. In a statement, the FDA told WCCO-TV that cases surrounding 92 patients, including 33 hospitalizations are under investigation due to a possible link to 5-hour Energy."

My TuneList Update: My quest continues to add more music to my current music playlist. As you know, every time I am satisfied with a music list, the site goes down or is closed and I am forced to begin again. This particular site is working well but adding music is somewhat complicated.

You may note that the controls are at the bottom of the page where you can mute the song(s) if you desire. The square button on the bottom right exposes the "TuneList". This allows you to change songs, if desired.

This toddler discovered that the device for feeding fawns worked just as well for him.....

The News As I See It: The Golden Globe nominations were announced last week and "Lincoln" got seven nominations. Finally, a Republican who might win something.

Last Wednesday night, Barbara Walters asked Governor Chris Christie if he was too fat to be president. A lot of people are criticizing Barbara for asking that question. But in fairness, Barbara asked that exact same question when she interviewed William Howard Taft.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said a failure to reach a deal for the fiscal cliff will hurt the recovery. The good news is most Americans will not be affected by this because they had no idea there was a recovery.

Christmas is just around the corner, It's just under two weeks away, and today Santa released 10 years of tax returns.

The Mayan calendar says that on the 21st, we're done. We've only got about a week left, and I haven't even started packing. On the bright side, the end of the world kind of takes the edge off the fiscal cliff, doesn't it?(The Mayans predicted that last joke wouldn't work.)

The DEA says drug smugglers in Mexico are using canons to shoot marijuana over into the U.S. They have three distances — far, really far and Willie Nelson's house.

Airlines in Europe are testing a new robot that can make drinks for passengers instead of having flight attendants do it. This way, flight attendants can stay focused on their most important job — ramming the beverage cart into your elbow.

This Date In History: 1777; France recognized American independence. 1903; Orville and Wilbur Wright made the first flight in a heavier-than-air plane at Kitty Hawk, N.C. 1944; The U.S. Army announced the end of its policy of holding Japanese-Americans in internment camps, allowing "evacuees" to return home.

1969; The U.S. Air Force ended its "Project Blue Book" and concluded that there was no evidence of extraterrestrial activity behind UFO sightings. 1992; North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) signed by the United States, Canada, and Mexico.

Picture Of The Day: This deer and Great Dane are good friends. Old Timer's disease does not allow me to remember the exact details, but I believe they grew up together. Anyway, there's a short video of the two playing together at the bottom of today's entry. Remember to mute my music TuneList (Botton left). 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I've turned myself around. 2) Excessive consumption of spirits, beer or wine may make people think they are whispering when they are not. It is also responsible for making people think they can dance and sing karaoke. 3) Shoepidity is defined as wearing ridiculously uncomfortable shoes just because they look good. 4) My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. 5) When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 17th: Ketchup and Katsup are essentially the same thing. But a brown-sauce is not always a brown-sauce. You have your Southern folk and you have your Northern folk. Crap! This is going nowhere. It's Monday! Look left and right before crossing the street.

Birthdays: Sir Humphry Davy, chemist, physicist 1778, W.L. Mackenzie King, political leader 1874, Arthur Fiedler, conductor 1894, Sylvia Ashton-Warner, novelist and educator 1905, William L. Safire, journalist 1929, Milla Jovovich, model, actress, and singer 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollars out, "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is! Now git out there and fix it."

So, Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!" Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!" Ma says "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back, "Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollars back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"

Two midwest farmers were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?"

The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."



The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" The second bee said, "Really bad. The weather has been cold, wet and damp and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey."

The first bee said, "No problem. Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." The second bee said, "Thanks for the tip!", and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How did it go?" The second bee said, "Great! It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and huge floral arrangements on every table."

The first bee said, "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" The second bee replied, "That's my yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately, the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout, "Shit, missed!" The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. He told his friend, "Don't swear like that or God will punish you".

The builder apologized and the game continued. As soon as he missed another shot, the builder shouted, "Shit, missed!" and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes. The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said, "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "Shit, missed!" Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead. Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Shit, missed!"

That's it for today, my little billy goats. Remember, you have to bear in mind one thing about the will of the people. It wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Why?

It is pitiful to see and understand that there are many miscreants in this world, yet we always seem to be amazed when one of these disturbed individuals goes on a killing spree. To some degree, they are no different than a cancer cell in an otherwise healthy body.

We live in a world of the occasional two-headed snake or turtle and the important thing is to be able to recognize these abnormal sorts and deal with them before they go off the deep end and take out innocent people.

My prayers go out to the families and victims of the massacre in Connecticut.

The News As I See It: Barbara Walters chose General David Petraeus as the most fascinating person of 2012. What a coincidence. So did Paula Broadwell.

Since January of 2000, NFL players have been arrested 624 times on different charges. The number one defense scheme now in the NFL is the plea bargain.

New Jersey Democrats say, Republican Governor Chris Christie will be impossible to beat. It's unclear if they're talking about the 2013 governor's race or Coney Island hot dog-eating contest.

The Spice Girls musical debuted this week in London. So it turns out the Mayans were off by just a few weeks.

According to the Census Bureau, white people will not be the majority in the United States by the year 2043. So this is even more bad news for the National Hockey League.

According to the Mayan calendar, December 21 marks the end of the world. It's a Friday so it means dress is casual.

This Date In History: 1799; George Washington died at age 67. 1819; Alabama became the 22nd state in the United States. 1911; Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen became the first man to reach the South Pole, beating an expedition led by Robert F. Scott.

1939; The Soviet Union was dropped from the League of Nations. 1967; DNA synthesized for the first time. 1981; Israel formally annexed the Golan Heights.

1985; Wilma Mankiller became the first woman to lead a major American Indian tribe as she took office as principal chief of the Cherokee Nation of Oklahoma. 1989; Nobel Peace laureate Andrei D. Sakharov died in Moscow at age 68.

Picture Of The Day: Innocence is bliss.....

Count Your Blessings

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 am. 2) When police on bicycles arrest people, do they say, "Alright, get in the basket."? 3) Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 4) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. 5) I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 14th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it. Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week. Be careful who you brush against. Shallow puddles may deceive you today. This could be because of your depth perception or the fact that you have a puppy.

Birthdays: Nostradamus, French astrologer and physician 1503, Tycho Brahe, astronomer 1546, John Mercer Langston, public official, diplomat, educator 1829, James Doolittle, aviator, military leader 1896, Shirley Jackson, writer 1919, Patty Duke, actress 1946, Michael Owen, soccer player 1979, Vanessa Anne Hudgens, actress 1988.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Jack (any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental) was on the golf course when he accidentally overturned his golf cart. Elizabeth, an attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" Jack replied, "My name's Jack and I'm okay, thanks."

Elizabeth said, "Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." Jack said, "That's mighty nice of you, but I don't think my wife would like it." Elizabeth insisted, "Oh, come on." She was very pretty and persuasive. Jack finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy and some driving and putting lessons, Jack thanked his host, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." Elizabeth smiled and said, "Don't be silly! She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" Jack replied, "Under the cart!"

Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "You have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second guy said "That nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

The third guy said "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house.

The first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

The fourth guy smiled and said, "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater.'"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body allover with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I sex too. I rubbed her body all over with kosher chicken schmaltz, we made love and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?" The Jewish man said, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

Two old men were sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?" The second old man replied, "I think she's dead!"

The first old man said, "What do you mean you think she is dead?" The second old man "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to him, "I just passed a silent fart. I'm so embarrassed. What should I do?" He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

That's it for today, my little flatulators. Remember, tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that's where you wish they were. I'm off to AREA 51 for drinks and recreation.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

A Bit Of Christmas Gift Advice

They're baaack! Pajamagrams and Snuggies have returned to the commercial air waves. Yes men, if you really want to impress your wife or girlfriend (or both), this overpriced crapola is the way to go. Forget diamonds, gold chains and bracelets, she'll flip out when she receives her pajamagram or snuggie for Christmas. You, on the other hand, may receive minor scrapes and bruises.

But wait! There's more! Ladies, you too can warm the heart of your loved one with a pajamagram or snuggie. I know he mentioned that he wanted a watch or an iPad. What he really wants is a snuggie or pajamagram

Sure, snuggies are basically blankets with sleeves and sell for around $15-20. But If you're too lazy to get up and get a blanket, you deserve to pay the price of a snuggie.

And let's not forget the look on his or her face when the postman (with a look of disbelief) delivers that pajamagram to your lover. Yes, If you want to change the look on your loved one's face and possibly obtain their new forwarding address, get 'em a pajamagram or a snuggie.....

The News As I See It: A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor's a Mayan. He says that to everybody. The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts.

More problems for Lindsay Lohan, Apparently she can’t pay her $8,000-a-month rent on her Beverly Hills mansion. Lindsay doesn't want to move because it's the perfect location. It's between two liquor stores, a bail bondsman, and an auto body shop.

The latest report from the U.S. Census Bureau is out. For the first time, more people are moving away from California than are moving to California. People are leaving California in droves. To the people leaving California, I give you the traditional California farewell: "Adios, amigos." I'm not that surprised people are leaving California. People want to escape the earthquakes, the mudslides, the Kardashians and the Honey Boo Boos.

Honey Boo Boo, the fat little redneck girl, is among Barbara Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People of 2012." In a related story, today Barbara was named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2012." Walter's list goes way back to her first show when the first and second most fascinating people were the Wright brothers.

Al-Qaida's number two man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today al-Qaida's number three man announced he's stepping down to spend more time with his family.

Manny Pacquiao got knocked out by Juan Manuel Marquez in the 6th round of Saturday's fight in Las Vegas. Pacquiao hit the canvas face first. Big deal...who hasn't passed out face first in Las Vegas? Mitt Romney was at the fight and he met with Pacquiao right before they got in the ring. Afterwards, Romney told Pacquiao, "You lost for the same reason I did — young Hispanics."

This Date In History: 1787; Pennsylvania became the second state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1870; Joseph Rainey took his seat as the first black in the U.S. House of Representatives.

1913; The Mona Lisa was recovered in Florence after having been stolen two years earlier (August 1911) from the Louvre. 1963; Kenya gained its independence from Britain.

1998; The House Judiciary Committee approved a fourth and final article of impeachment against President Clinton. 2000; The U.S. Supreme Court stopped the presidential election recount in Florida.

Picture Of The Day: There's nothing quite as neat as to see a magnificent horse literally "kicking up his heels."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Dear Santa, For 2012, I'd like a fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix up the two like you did last year. 2) A shepherd once told me to count his 37 sheep and then round them up. So I told him there were 40. 3) I'm not a muffin top exactly. I'm more like a busted can of biscuits. 4) She said that she had been married three times. I could tell it was more than that by the rice marks on her face. 5) My girlfriend has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 12th: The government will not allow you to do what you want. Homelessness is a very poor way to begin the year, so ensure money is not an issue for you. Love hides in strange places but then again, so do spiders. Either one could be waiting for you in strange places.

Birthdays: My pals Frank and Magaly - Happy Birthday! 19XX, John Jay, statesman 1745, William Lloyd Garrison, abolitionist 1805. Gustave Flaubert, novelist 1821, Edvard Munch, painter 1863, Edward G. Robinson, actor 1893, Patrick O'Brian, novelist 1914, Frank Sinatra, American singer, actor 1915, Bob Barker, TV personality 1923, Dionne Warwick, singer 1941, Tracy Austin, tennis player 1962, Jennifer Connelly, actress 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled at the top of his lungs to the driver, "Pull over!" The blonde yelled back, "No, Scarf!"

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch.

After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said, "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

.....and furthermore, this is our beach!

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories/

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." He replied, "Darling, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards San Diego, California. The Captain gets on the loud- speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America !"

The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?" The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

That's it for today, my little pea pickers. Remember, don't ponder over world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Where's Bob Costas When You Need Him?

From CNN Blogs comes the following promo: "On the heels of a second NFL player losing his life in an off-the-field incident, tonight Piers Morgan welcomes Bob Costas to offer his insightful perspective and peerless expertise on the social dynamics pulsating through America's most popular sports league."

Huh? "Insightful perspective and peerless expertise"? Are we talking about the same Bob Costas (Ph.D.?) who recently had an on-air tirade on subject matter he clearly doesn't understand? How about some "insightful perspective" on the cause of death of Dallas Cowboy linebacker Jerry Brown?

No gun was involved Saturday when Dallas Cowboy defensive tackle Josh Brent was apparently at the wheel in an accident that killed practice squad linebacker Jerry Brown, so NBC’s Bob Costas– and for that matter Kansas City sports writer Jason Whitlock – provided no diatribe about a "drunk driving culture."

Bob Costas observed Sunday that, "Drinking and driving is a societal problem to be sure, but it's perhaps even more difficult to understand when it involves a football player. There are systems in place, including a 'safe rides' program through the NFL Players Association, to help prevent situations like the one that ended Brown's life. Any NFL player can just pick up a phone and arrange a ride, if he feels he's impaired."

In the interim, Jerry Brown is just as dead as if he had been shot and Brent is facing criminal charges.

The News As I See It: Prince William's wife, Kate, has been released from the hospital after suffering from severe morning sickness. Doctors told her take it easy, no strenuous activity, and don't go to work. In other words, just act like a member of the royal family.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has committed to appearing in at least one new "Terminator" movie. In the next movie, Arnold from the future will time travel to the past and tell Arnold from the past to wear a condom.

The unemployment rate has fallen to its lowest level in nearly four years. The bad news is that most of those jobs involve wearing a red suit, a beard, and having kids pee in your lap.

It's Christmas in New York City or as shoplifters call it, "the show." Everybody's in a good mood in New York. I saw two strangers there sharing a cab. One took the tires, one took the radio.

The "world's oldest woman",116 years old, passed away. That title is cursed. Her last words were, "My chute won't open!"

There are now 20 million people in America who do yoga, none of whom ever shut up about the fact that they do yoga.

This Date In History: 1817; Mississippi became the 20th state in the United States. 1869; The territory of Wyoming authorized women to vote and hold office. 1901; The first Nobel Prizes were awarded in Stockholm, Sweden, in the fields of physics, chemistry, medicine, literature, and peace.

1948; The United Nations General Assembly adopted its Universal Declaration on Human Rights. 1950; Dr. Ralph Bunche became the first black to receive a Nobel Peace Prize. 1964; Martin Luther King received the Nobel Peace Prize.

1999; Los Alamos scientist Wen Ho Lee was arrested and charged with stealing classified information. 2004; A U.S. passenger jet landed in Vietnam, the first one to do so since the Vietnam War ended nearly three decades earlier.

Picture Of The Day: The puppy has decided to adopt the cat, much to the cat's chagrin. It's just a front, though. Cats adore attention.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. You never know what's going to burn your ass. 2) NASA would be a lot more popular if once in a while they'd fight some Klingons. 3) If you quit school, just remember two things. You tried your best and I don't like pickles on my Big Mac. 4) Old age in the 21st century is when Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice. 5) The old gray males, they ain't what they used to be !.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 10th: Halitosis can be very offensive, especially if the person with bad breath is trying to spell the word "halitosis" in a confined space. Keep Tic-Tacs in your pocket to offer the person with the bad breath. If the aroma lingers, take one yourself.

Birthdays: Thomas Gallaudet, educator of the deaf 1787, Emily Dickinson, American poet 1830, Melvil Dewey, library pioneer 1851, Chet Huntley, news broadcaster 1911, Dorothy Lamour, actress 1914, Douglas Kenney, humorist 1947, Kenneth Branagh, actor, director 1960, Raven-Symoné, actress, singer 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Union shop foreman walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama's victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a "Romney for President" button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican." Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the union official. The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" The union thug once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union guy asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly idiot does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?" The bartender replies, "Nope, he owns the place."

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father said, "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.

Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

An Ottawa resident said, "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them. One of them even asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. I mean how many art-history and English majors does one country need?"

A clergyman was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

Barack Obama walks into a Washington, D.C. bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

That's it for today, my little missle toes. Remember, you can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !