Karma Chameleons

No, today's post is not about Boy George or Karma, for that matter. It's about lizards, in particular, chameleons. They have always fascinated me and I spent a lot of time catching them as a boy, as well as other critters. This particular hobby did not make my mother very happy, but she put up with it.

Here in Miami, there weren't a lot of exotic species roaming around back in the day and I only knew of three or four lizard varieties at the time. Nowadays, there are many more exotics that came here in shipping containers or were imported by pet dealers.

My favorite was the chameleon who changed colors from green to brown. The more colorful of the species were not around and I had no idea they even existed.

It didn't take me too much time to learn that, unless you knew what to feed a lizard, its days were numbered. I also learned that my mother's usual easy going temperament changed drastically when she discovered a dead lizard inside the house.

Although my fascination with the reptiles continued, the constant chance of mother finding a lizard who had long since gone to lizard heaven dampened my lizard capturing hobby. It was just one of those phases that a boy goes through while growing up and I look back upon those times with fondness.

The News As I See It: Obama is starting to lose support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.

Chicago has now surpassed New York City as the murder capital of the United States. That's really surprising since New York has twice as many NFL teams.

Starbucks has a  new policy. If you have a gun, they're asking you to leave it at home, thus making it easier for them to rob you. The CEO said, "It's our job to rob you anyway."

The New York Times is very respected(?) and has won more Pulitzer Prizes than any other newspaper. If you don't know what that is, I'll explain. A newspaper is a big papery blog with yesterday's news.

Researchers at Ohio State say the number of pedestrians whose have been injured while using smartphones while walking has more than doubled since 2005. They also confirmed that those injuries are hilarious to watch.

The federal government could be shutting down. The legal definition of a government shutdown is when Congress continues not to work, but they do it from home.

Senators Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan "B" if the House doesn’t avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like since when did they have a Plan "A"?

Kevin Trudeau, the king of infomercials, has been sent to jail for fraud. The judge sentenced him to 10 years. But then he said, "But wait, there's more," and added another five years.
 

This Date In History: 1870; Victor Emmanuel II, the first king of modern Italy, seized the Papal States from the French. 1881; Chester A. Arthur was sworn in as the 21st president of the United States, succeeding James A. Garfield, who had been assassinated.

1973; Billie Jean King beat Bobby Riggs in a battle of the sexes tennis match. 1998; Baltimore Oriole shortstop Cal Ripken, Jr., sat out a game, ending his consecutive game playing streak. Ripken played 2,632 consecutive games over 16 seasons.

2000; Independent Counsel Robert Ray announced the end of the Whitewater investigation, saying there was insufficient evidence to charge President Clinton and his wife, Hillary.

2001; President George W. Bush addressed the nation and a joint session of Congress about terrorism. He also named Tom Ridge as head of the new Office of Homeland Security.

Picture Of The Day: The chameleon has the ability to change color and to move each eye independently. The color change is involuntary, contrary to common belief and is brought about by light, temperature, and nervous stimulation such as anger or fear. It is not related to the color of the substance on which the chameleon happens to be.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As I get older, I'm really just looking for Girls Gone Mild. 2) John 3:16, Matthew 3:17, Luke 3:18. It was a very close race. 3) She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano. 4) My neighbor called my cat fat the other day. It took me two hours to convince my cat that he just had thick fur. 5) My girlfriend complains about everything I do. It's like she doesn't know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: The next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say, "Sorry, I'm with a client."

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 20th: Damaging words reach your ears after a disagreement over a neighbor's pets. Damaging "poo" will be flung back across the garden fence if the issue is not resolved within the next few weeks. The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true for you, the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests.

Birthdays: My karaoke pal Carol - Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Sir James Dewar, chemist and physicist 1842, Herbert Putnam, librarian 1861, Upton Sinclair, American novelist and socialist 1878, Red Auerbach, basketball coach 1917, Dr. Joyce Brothers, psychologist 1928, Sophia Loren, actress 1934 Guy Lafleur, hockey player 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Last year, a blond  replaced all the windows in her house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. She got a call from the contractor who had installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a year ago and she still hadn't paid for them.

The blond said, "Hellloooo, just because I'm blond doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid." She told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last year, "that in one year, these windows would pay for themselves!" She said, "Helllooooo? It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line and he finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

A young woman walked into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest replied, "Confess you sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night, my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest said,"Squeeze the juice of seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest answered, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Jack for his contribution to today's stories.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

A woman was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor’s office to tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. She had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, she liked to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink and gave herself a quick wash in that area to make sure she was at least presentable.

She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment. She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in. Knowing the procedure, she hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

She was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” She didn’t respond. After the appointment, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal....some shopping, cleaning and cooking.

After school, her 6 year old daughter was playing and she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where’s my washcloth?" Her mother told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink and it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Needless to say, she's never going back to that gynecologist again......ever!

That's it for today, my little rose buds. Remember, there are literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don't even know it. I'm heading to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Hanging With Friends On A Friday Night

Change is constant, but I'd sure like to see a new bar in the area that provided a consistent and reasonable place to go with friends. It seems like yesterday that I was sitting with my pal Randy at Holleman's Restaurant in Miami Springs, but it's been sold.

It seems like every time I find a bar that fits my lifestyle, it either changes or goes under. Oh, there's plenty of places around that are constantly packed, but the majority of them are filled with the younger set, overpriced and noisy.

There have been a lot of good bars around, especially with live music and good prices, but they just seem unable to withstand the financial pressures involved with a successful bar. It takes about a year for a good bar to establish itself and one must have the financial wherewithal to weather the storm.

At Holleman's Restaurant, the crowds were always warm and friendly, especially on Fridays with Karaoke. But I could see the writing on the wall when I happened to have dinner there one Saturday night and the dining room was just about empty.

Back in the day, especially during the horse racing season, there was an hour wait for a table, but it was always worth the wait. Of course, the added bonus was that I knew just about everyone there.

Nevertheless, I'm hoping that the new owners establish the same crowd and the restaurant is successful.

The News As I See It: This week marks the fifth anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, which sparked the recession. Think about how bad things were back then. We had unemployment over 7 percent. The debt was out of control. There were wars breaking out all over the globe. Thank God that's all behind us now, huh?

Joe Biden has people talking that he'll run for president after he was spotted at a fundraiser in Iowa this week. Unfortunately, he missed giving his speech because he spent four hours trapped in a corn maze. Biden's niece was recently arrested. The hardest part about arresting a Biden is convincing them they have the right to remain silent.

This Date In History: 1759; French Quebec surrendered to the British after the September 13 battle on the Plains of Abraham, the last battle of the French and Indian Wars. French general Montcalm and British general Wolfe died in the fray.

1810; Chile declared its independence from Spain. 1850; Congress passed the Fugitive Slave Act, which required the return of escaped slaves to their owners. 1851; The first edition of The New York Daily Times, which later became The New York Times, was published.

1947; The National Security Act, which unified the Army, Navy, and Air Force, was passed. 1961; Secretary-General of the UN Dag Hammarskjold was killed in a plane crash in Northern Rhodesia (Zambia).

1970; 27-year-old rock star, Jimi Hendrix, died in London. 1999; Sammy Sosa became the first player in major league baseball history to hit 60 homers in two seasons.

Picture Of The Day: I've found my perfect cabin in the woods.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Miley Cyrus and her fiance have split up. I guess it just didn’t twerk out. 2) I had a few scotches last night and I discovered that the USB port on my cat doesn't work. 3) Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girlfriend's hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins. 4) How to kill a spider: Get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly and very carefully, burn the house down. 5) I asked my girlfriend if she could name the four main food groups. she said, "Canned, frozen, drive-thru and fried.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 18th: Your long-term plans will come into fruition this month. Beware of speeding buses. Find some candles, tonight may be filled with darkness.

Birthdays: My ex-wife Caroline and my nephew Billy - Happy Birthday to both of you 19XX, Samuel Johnson, English author 1709,, Joseph Story, jurist 1779, Leon Foucault, physicist 1819, Greta Garbo, actress 1905, Frankie Avalon, singer 1939, Lance Armstrong, cyclist 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a man, Tom Maynard, has sued St Luke's Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied,"Mrs. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology. All we did was correct her eyesight."

One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says, "Wow that is one ugly baby." The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks, "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

The man replied, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him. The woman said, "You're right sir. I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

"Enough!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

So God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a warning sign that read: “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the door. Inside, he noticed a harmless little dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

The man asked the owner, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" The owner replied, "Yep, that’s him." The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. "That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" The owner explained, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, if bears ruled the world, they wouldn't care whether or not the humans they ate were free-range. It's time for happy hour in AREA 51.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Tragic Massacre In Washington D.C.

If there is one positive thing about today's massacre in Washington, D.C., it's that the perpetrator is dead! No time consuming and costly trial, no drawn out investigation, no waiting for a way for the prosecution or the government to screw up the deal. Just thin the damn herd !

If there is a question as to who truly committed the crime, then, without a doubt, an investigation and trial is the proper way to determine the fate of the suspect. In a case of no question or doubt about the suspect's role in the murder, then shoot the son-of-a-bitch and let's move on!

The News As I See It: The new Obama diet is out and it works! I've already lost five pounds. The way it works is every day you let Vladimir Putin eat your lunch.

Obama has said he didn't know about the IRS scandal. He was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the IRS.

Mercedes has unveiled a new self-driving car that drives itself. I’m hoping that Justin Bieber and Lindsay Lohan get one.

A Canadian man was attacked by a polar bear and he scared it off with his cellphone. Apparently the bear got frightened when he saw the two-year contract.

Dr. Phil is a pretty smart guy. He turned a phony medical degree into a media empire.

The Oneida Indian Nation wants the Washington Redskins to change the name "Redskins" because they consider it a racial slur. In a related story, the city of Jacksonville wants the NFL team, the Jaguars, to drop the name "Jacksonville" because they stink.

This Date In History: 1630; The Massachusetts village of Shawmut changed its name to Boston. 1810; Mexico began its revolt against Spanish rule. 1908; General Motors was founded by William C. Durant.

1919; The American Legion was incorporated by an act of Congress. 1940; The United States first adopted peacetime conscription when President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Selective Training and Service Act into law.

1974; President Ford announced conditional amnesty for Vietnam War deserters and draft evaders. 1975; Papua New Guinea became independent. 1982; Lebanese Christians massacred hundreds of Palestinian refugees in Beirut.

1987; The Montreal Protocol was signed by 25 nations, limiting production on substances that harm the ozone layer. To date, 168 nations have joined the protocol.

Picture Of The Day: Ducklings.....because they're cute !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Did you know that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?" 2) I accidentally had three energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Thanksgiving. 3) In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer-dryer and two come out. 4) I had a few beers this weekend before going grocery shopping and the bag boy asked if I wanted help to my car, so I said yes and climbed in the cart. 5) McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 16th: Knowing your hand span may become useful over the coming days, although the mystics will not give me any information as to how or why. If you mis-use the word literally once more today ("I *literally* laughed my ass off"), you're going to feel what it's like to be hit "upside the head".

Birthdays: James Jerome Hill, railroad builder 1838, Albrecht Kossel, physiologist 1853, Jean Arp, sculptor, painter 1887, Allen Funt, radio and television producer 1914, Lauren Bacall, actress 1924, B. B. King, guitarist 1925, Charlie Byrd, jazz guitarist 1925.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska . He was driving along the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a "Vote for Obama" hat and a "Save the Trees" shirt.

The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot-tall grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing "Go Sarah" shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then, using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the hell was that guy?" His friend replied, "Dude, that was the Pope. He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

The logger said, "Well, he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know shit about bear hunting! By the way, go check ans see if our bait still alive or if we need to go back to California and get another one."

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

The trooper says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" The priest replies, "Just water, officer." The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. She went on and on and on about neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, feeling unloved, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Do you feel you can you do this?" The husband replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

A fly was buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since his last meal and he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away.

He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.

He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.

Moral of the story: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

That's it for today, my little cotton tails. Remember, due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second grace drop rule has now been increased to 10.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Gloom, Despair and Agony on Me

Today is considered a bad luck day by most people. As far as the White House is concerned, International politics has been unlucky for almost a month. Lets take a look at the latest missteps, gaffes and errors made by Obama and his inept administration, shall we?

Currently, we are in negotiations with Russia over how Syria will theoretically put its chemical weapons under International control.

In the past ten days, John Kerry, speaking off the cuff, knowing it wouldn't happen and saying as much, suggested that if Syria turned its chemical weapons over to the United States, it would solve the Syrian crisis. Vladimir Putin, took advantage of Kerry's gaffe and called Kerry's bluff, offering to broker a deal whereby Syria would turn over and put its chemical weapons under International control.

Although first reports from the white house said that Kerry misspoke, Kerry has subsequently stated that this was his plan from day one, an obvious lie. Kerry, a Vietnam war protester in his youth, has already been called out on his controversial position on the Vietnam war.

In the interim, Obama, by way of setting red lines about the use of chemical weapons by Syria and then blatantly and straight faced denying he ever said it, is in a jam. Obama wants to attack Syria and congress and the majority of Americans do not. In an effort to delay any action, Obama asked congress to vote on a "limited Syrian" strike, then on national tv, asked them to delay their vote pending American-Russian negotiations for a peaceful settlement.

Meanwhile, the mood in congress suggested that Obama's Syrian strike initiative would have been be voted down and failed miserably, leaving Obama with his proverbial "johnson" in his hand.

Enter Kerry and his stupidly considered remark and Putin runs with it. So, what happens now?

Kerry's unfortunate remark allows Obama to go on national tv for 15 minutes and infers that by the United States threatening Syria with a strike, Syria was forced to reconsider their position.

Nothing could be farther from the truth. Putin was the wizard in this crisis. He helped Obama save what little face he has in the world, Russia keeps its military base port in Syria and Syrian president Bashar al-Assad remains in power.

Obama and Kerry look like an Oliver and Hardy movie. Harry Reed and Nancy Pelosi continue to be leftist assholes who agree with and spin anything and everything the "chosen one" says into gospel.

Any questions?

The News As I See It: Breaking News: According to the tabloids, it looks like Chloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are done and are breaking up. If this turns out to be true, then Chloe will get the 12th pick in the NBA draft.

Chris Humphreys has gotten the engagement ring back from Kim Kardashian and he's selling it at auction for $2 million. So if a guy wants to get engaged, try to get that ring. It's the perfect way to tell your fiancee, "I want to spend the next 72 days with you."

Californians have more unplanned pregnancies than any other state. Of course, keep in mind that California has many more NBA teams than any other state.

The White House has a new slogan: "Hope and let the Russians fix it." Things are so bad that plans are being discussed for a reality show based on the White House. It’s called "Lame Duck Dynasty."

Obama spoke to the nation about Syria. Hopefully, Americans who were confused about the president's plan feel better now, knowing that he's confused too. Well, it was confusing, wasn't it? First, Obama laid out his reasoning for a strike against Syria and then he gave the rebuttal.

John Kerry has insisted that any military strike on Syria will be "unbelievably small." But not as small as the support for a strike on Syria.

The new secretary of the Vatican said that celibacy for priests is open to discussion. In a related story, nuns are now allowed to twerk.

McDonald's is now serving steak. Nothing says fine dining like rolling down your car window and screaming out, "medium rare!"
 

This Date In History: 1943; Chiang Kai-Shek became president of China. 1948; Republican Margaret Chase Smith of Maine was elected to the U.S. Senate, becoming the first woman to have served in both houses of Congress.

1971; The four-day revolt at the maximum security prison in Attica, New York, ended when state police and National Guardsmen stormed the facility. Forty-two people died.

1993; Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO Chairman Yasir Arafat shook hands after signing an historic peace agreement.

Picture Of The Day: The beautiful Peacock Spider.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I kidded my girlfriend about the 19 inch TV in her bedroom. She suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. 2) Until they add extra fries and a martini, they have no business calling it a Happy Meal. 3) Sober me will always have your back. Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back. 4) My friend's dog loves him, but the dog also eats his own poop. I don't think my friend should trust the pooch's judgment. 5) I got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 13th: All of your aims are achievable, although some of them would involve bionic implants and a bit of embezzlement. On another subject, If you are cornered by raccoons in the wild, place your thumb and index finger tips together and make a bandit mask. They will accept you.

Birthdays: Walter Reed, American army surgeon 1851, Milton Hershey, chocolatier, philanthropist 1857, John J. Pershing, army officer 1860, Arnold Schoenberg, composer 1874, Sherwood Anderson, novelist 1876, J. B. Priestley, author 1894, Claudette Colbert, movie actress 1903, Bill Monroe, bluegrass musician 1911, Roald Dahl, writer 1916.

Today is just not a black cat day

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man married a good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you."

He continued, "I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks surprised and says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

She said, "Look, I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. My birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Services are pending.

A business woman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for pressing.

Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting. Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, "My, you come lickety-split!" The elderly Chinaman replied, "No ma'am, come to get laundry."

Me: "You know what cures a headache?" Girfriend: "Tylenol" Me: "You know what else cures a headache?"  Girlfriend: "Advil" Me: "You know what else ......"

That's it for today, my little rascals. Remember, smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision. You can find me in AREA 51 around happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !